Chapter 1 - Cleaning fest

WARNING - This book contains a graphic description of Self-harm and other self-destructive behaviours. (Cutting, Smoking, Starvation, etc.)

I stretch my back before leaving my room. I needed to get the supplies. I opened the hallway closet and looked inside. I grabbed a few garbage bags and wipes before closing the door. I decide to put some music on seeing it would be boring not to. George recently sent me a song named "Nights like these" And I hadn't listened to it yet.

I pull the song up on Spotify and connect my phone to my speaker. I press play and grab the garbage bag. I look around my room to see where to start.

'Strawberry stained fingertips, Chain smoking, Binge-watching Netflix'

I walk over to my desk starting to grab some of the trash surrounding the surface of the dark wood. I picked up the cigarette butts surrounding my window from when I was too tired to go to my balcony. I looked back at my desk wondering how I'm going to carry down the stacks of cups.

'Bike grease in my hair, Blood on your jeans'

I grab a few stacks of cups holding them in my arm. Carefully, I walk down to my kitchen dumping them into my sink. I let out a sigh realizing how long this is going to take me.

Walking back to my room I start grabbing piles of clothes putting them into a basket. Might as well start the laundry now so I don't have to wait once I'm done cleaning. I put the first load into the washer realizing I desperately needed more detergent. Once I started the cycle I remembered the fact I hadn't gone to the store in a few weeks. I push the thought out making my way back to my room. It looked a bit cleaner already seeing about half of the clothes that were scattered across my room were gone.

'Blisters on your feet a grin full of teeth'

My back already aches, This is gonna be a long day. I groan before grabbing the sheets off of my bed. They were the only thing I cleaned often. I mean my bed is where I spend most of my time might as well make it a nice experience.

I made my bed fluffing up my pillows in the process. Peering around my room I realized how much more garbage I needed to pick up. I let out a small huff and grabbed the garbage bag I had already started filling. I start around my bed picking up the tissues and empty water bottles. This place was a lot dirtier than I thought.

'The California drought, The smell after the thunderstorm that knocked the power out'

I begin to ponder more about the fact I'm going to be meeting my 2 best friends in a week. I don't even know where they can sleep, I have a guest room but I don't think they'll wanna sleep in the same bed. Not to mention Bad, Skeppy and Karl are coming as well. I groaned, rubbing my temples realizing the garbage bag was full.

I tie the top setting it down in the corner walking over to grab the other one I had brought. I look over my room again, finally being able to see the floor for the first time in at least a month. A smile crept on my face.

'Sweat soaks up my handlebars, Wanting to die with all my scars'

Finishing getting all the garbage off my floor I felt accomplished. I still needed to vacuum but it's an upgrade from the shit whole I had started with. I started clearing off my side table when I found something that wiped my smile away.

'If they don't like the way we are, Then fuck them.'

A small metal blade that had rust formed all over it. Thoughts rush back to me which of ones I thought had been repressed far enough. I quickly grab it and shove it in the garbage bag. I feel a shiver fall down my back as I continue cleaning off the side table.

'I stayed up chain-smoking in the kitchen until you got home, And the curtains were on fire, Fuck'

I back away taking another look over my room. I felt oddly proud. I walk over to my desk where I set the wipes down opening them. I start wiping down pretty much everything.

'I'm sorry you feel all alone, With the tv blasting shadows on my face.'

I hear my phone buzz, My head perks up looking over at the notification. It was from George. My stomach feels weird as I walk over to my phone. I have just learned to ignore it thinking it was just nothing.

'Hitching back to my apartment, It was such a lonely place.'

"I got the date wrong were coming tomorrow oops"

I stare at the text in disbelief, Well shit. I put my phone down quickly leaving my room and grabbing the vacuum. I still needed to clean my bathroom and do the dishes.

'I place my head between my knees and think'

I finished vacuuming and heard the washer stop. I speed walked over to my laundry room changing out the clothes and putting the second load in while the first one dried. I went back to my room grabbing the rest of the dishes and going downstairs. I started putting the dishes in the dishwasher. It was mostly just cups so it didn't take long. I click the start button before going back upstairs to start in my bathroom.

'Do you ever have nights like these?'

It wasn't even nearly as dirty as my room was so it didn't take me long. I wiped down the counter putting everything back in place. I hung the towels back up and corrected the shower mats. Realizing the sink was pretty much clogged I went back to the closest looking to see if I had any drain cleaner. Luckily I did, I quickly grabbed the bottle making my way back to the washroom.

'So separated from my sense of self and the shit you keep on your bookshelf'

I smile to myself looking around seeing my newly clean room. I quickly remembered that I should probably make sure the guest room Is clean as entirely. I peek inside seeing that it still looked brand new. Closing the door I walked downstairs and tidied up the living room and kitchen a bit.

'So I take another sip. I keep falling off and eating shit and forgetting to unclip.'

I had forgotten how nice it was to have a clean area. I walk back up to my room before I end up messing anything up. I open my window to get some airflow. My eyes fall to the box of smokes placed neatly beside my lighter. I grab one out lighting it up before looking out the window blowing the smoke out.

'the sun will rise another time, for now, it's me and you, our bikes: we trip and stumble, laughing, to the park'

The sun had already begun to set. I walk over picking up my phone looking at what time it was. 19:02, I looked back out the window letting out another blow of smoke followed by a smile.

' the flea bites laid out on my wrist the heart-shaped blister on my palm the handlebars had etched my body is out on my back porch my brain is fucking somewhere else.'

Around 20 minutes later I hear both the dryer and washer go off. I put the cig out before getting up and changing the loads. I grab the freshly dried basket of clothes and walk back to my room.

'on the roof with the flags we torched .'

I start hanging up the clothes and putting them away in my closet. It finally looked somewhat full. I stored the basket under the bottom rack of the small closet walking out, closing the door. I glance over to my computer deciding I might as well play some Minecraft while I wait for the drier to finish.

'and I stayed up, chain-smoking in the kitchen until you got home and the curtains were on fire. fuck, I'm sorry you feel all alone'

I look to see who's online on the SMP. I see Tommy and Tubbo on. I click to join waiting for the server to load. I'm still in my base where I left earlier today.

'with the tv blasting shadows on my face — hitching back to the apartment — it was such a lonely place'

Neither of the children greets me so I assume they're just doing their own thing and not streaming. I leave my base deciding to just walk around for a bit.

'i place my head between my knees and think:

" do you ever have nights like these ? "'

I soon enough hear the drier go off. I close down my computer and go retrieve the laundry. I proceed to hang it up with the rest. I feel satisfied seeing my closet full once again.

'so separated from my sense of self and the shit you keep up on your bookshelf '

All of the cleanings have honestly tired me out. I Lay down on my bed instantly feeling tired. I let out a yawn before plugging my phone in and setting an alarm. I had to be up early to go over to the airport. I turn my lamp off getting under my blanket and quickly falling into a dreamless sleep.