Chapter 11

Max

"And so it's important for us to fall on each other. Give ourselves time to adjust to our new life. It won't always be easy, and it takes a very long time for anything to feel normal again, but I promise, once you realize that they never really leave you, that they are always inside your heart, it gives you the strength to keep moving day by day."

A round of applause circles around the large group and I continue to stare into my coffee.

It's early, not even ten am, and here I am, exhausted but determined to show my face here. I don't want to be here, hate this whole thing, but I owe it to them. I owe it to all of them.

In the corner of my eye I can see a blonde walking over to me and I stiffen automatically when I realize who it is. She stops just before the empty chair beside me and I briefly wonder if she knows you should never walk up and surprise someone in my condition or if it's just in her nature. Matthews always did tell me she was too good a person.

"Max." I look up at Ellen Matthews and nod my head in her direction.

She looks different. It's been two years and yet she has managed to look completely different than the last time I saw her. Ellen had come to see me in the hospital. She had already gotten word that I was the only survivor and knew Robert would want her there to see me. I hated seeing her sobs wreck her small frame as she confided in me that she was still hopeful that he was there with me in Germany.

I stand and give her a one armed hug then quickly pull my body back. I don't want her touching me long. I don't deserve such innocence touching me.

"How have you been?" She says titling her head to the side.

Her hair is shorter than I've seen it. Each time Matthews had skyped to see her and his newborn baby daughter, she had long flowing hair. It's now a pixie cut that circles her small face. She also looked young and glowing. There is a subtle glow to her now, but she looks older. I could understand death doing that to you though. Makes you older and wiser than your age indicates.

"Shouldn't I be asking you that question?" I chuckle then freeze up when a swirl of blonde locks latches onto my leg.

I look down and see little Emma looking up at me with her father's big doe brown eyes. Fuck, she is the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. She looks up at, realizing that I am most likely not the person she meant to grab hold of, but her gaze gets stuck with mine, and I fight with everything in me not to grab her and hold onto her. Matthews never got to know her, never got to see her in person. Never got to hold his own daughter. By the time we were reached in Afghanistan that his wife Ellen had gone into an early labor and was having complications, it was too late. She was here. Emma had a few complications after birth and stayed in the hospital for a few weeks. Emma was born with too small of heart valves and would have to go through a few surgeries in her life before she got older. Matthews was a wreck knowing he couldn't get to his wife or daughter. Although Ellen's pregnancy was too much on her body and could never conceive again, they were hopeful.

"Hi, I'm Emma." I smile down at her and lean down to pick her up. I can't remember the last time I held a child in my arms. Must have been Adrianna, Lyla's daughter.

"Hi, there sweetheart, I'm Max."

"I like your name." She says as she begins playing with my military tags around my neck. I don't wear them often but today felt too important not to.

"Thanks darlin'."

I see Ellen in the corner of my eyes as she moves in closer. She places her hand gently on her daughter with love and comfort and whispers something in her ear. The little girl in my arms perks up and stares me into my eyes.

"Oh, I forgot. Thank you for your service Mr. Max."

Looking over to Ellen, I almost close my eyes with shame. She only got the abbreviated version of how her husband died. When I came home that day I wanted to find her, I wanted to find them all and tell them exactly what happened but obviously telling my shrink that only led me to getting a phone call and visit from my command officer.

As much as I hated to admit it, she didn't need details. I would only be doing it to clear my conscious. She looks happy, more content and I can't blame her for moving on with her life.

"Thank you Emma." I place the little girl down on the ground and she runs straight to the other small children now surrounding a large platter of cupcakes that was just placed on a large buffet table.

"So, are you going to answer my question?" I look back over at Ellen, whom has her hands on her hips and is cocking me an eyebrow.

"What?"

"How are you doing Max?"

"I'm fine, I'm doing good. But you haven't been answering my calls or messages. Hell woman, I even sent you a letter. You know how long it took me to find a stamp?" I joke knowing she won't fall for my bullshit. Each time we would speak with our loved ones back home, she was always the one that would call us on our bullshit. Well, her and Shawna.

A dark cloud hits me at the thought of Shawna sleeping on the couch where I found her this morning. I hated that she didn't feel comfortable going into the guestroom and hated even more that I saw how puffy her eyes were.

She had cried herself to sleep.

"Max." Ellen drags out my name and I almost laugh at the memories of her doing that to Matthews.

"I'm surviving Ellen. Everyday I'm surviving. I don't think I deserve more than that right now." Her eyes cloud with tears and I immediately want to take back what I said.

"Max. What happened to our husbands was not your fault. You have to know that."

"You don't know that. You only know what they told you."

"Look around you right now. Really look." I take her orders and look around the room at the many people who showed up here today. It's a family day at the Military and Family Support Center and they invited the families of those who we lost. I knew I had to come, even if they hated that I was here.

"We're good Max. We miss him every single day, and yes there are days where I cry myself to sleep, days where I wish he were here because I am having a bad day or hating something, but I can feel him. I can feel him right here." She points to her chest then walks over dragging me by my arm and placing us on two chairs. She keeps her eyes on her daughter scarfing down a cupcake as she continues. "You don't need to call or check up on us or send a check once a month We are doing alright and I'm happy. I miss him, but I see him every day in Emma. She's just like him, even as clumsy as he was."

I chuckle hating that tears are building up in my eyes.

Fuck I miss my brothers.

"It was hard at first. Not hearing his voice anymore. Having a child with disabilities that needs twenty-four hour care, but I'm dealing with all that. Having to practically do it on my own, has given me a sense of accomplishment, a sense of strength. I feel him every time I want to give up. I feel him each and every time I get no sleep or have to go through one of her surgeries. I feel good about everything, because I can feel him with me."

I look over at the little girl who is now spinning around in circles with the other children. I don't notice her disabilities, something I used to tell Matthews when he would worry at night about his wife and newborn struggling without him.

"Just makes her more special if you ask me." I would tell him.

"She looks like him." I whisper but apparently Ellen hears me. Her smile gets larger and she turns to look at her little girl.

"She does. And if he were here right now, he would tell you, that fact only makes her more gorgeous." I laugh knowing damn well Matthews would say that. He always thought he was too good looking. I would have to constantly tell him that in order for him to fit in the Humvee he would have to shrink the size of his head.

"We really are good Max. His money goes a long way with her surgeries and I have an amazing job. My mother and I rekindled last year and she and my step father help out anytime I need them. I couldn't ask for anymore."

Yeah, she could have, but I won't say that to her, not now. Not today.

"Now come on and hang out with your goddaughter, she's been asking to meet you." I stand and follow Ellen over to Emma where I spend the next two hours hanging out with her. I learn everything about her. How her favorite color is green but not bright green, more like the green on the trees. How her teddy bear, Mr. Bear is a certified doctor. And how much this little girl has filled me with some hope of moving on.

Walking out of the center I walk over to my bike and hop on. Just as I'm about to fire it up, I hear my phone ringing. I had left it off since I didn't want to be interrupted this morning. Shawna's name appears and I hesitate on answering her.

I had left Sloan with her this morning, so I know there is no danger, but I'm still anxious when I answer it.

"Shawna?"

"Hey, sorry I didn't want to bother you if you were busy, but I had to get to work in a couple of hours and I needed a ride. My car still isn't ready yet."

"Tonight? Which one?"

"Yes, I work at May's tonight. I originally started at six but they called me in early to see if I could. Do you mind?"

I think back on the last time I stepped foot in May's bar. It had been when everything was going down with Candice. We had a shooting at the clubhouse and instead of being there for my brothers, for anyone that may have needed my help, I acted like a fucking idiot and hopped on the roof. The images were pulsating though my head at lightning speed and I couldn't control it. I couldn't see straight, couldn't tell what was real and what wasn't. Austin found me, gave me bullshit light duty, and when I was done early, my mind did what it always did when I needed something.

It ran straight to Shawna.

I knew she had been working there. And when I showed up, drunk off my ass from being dropped off by a prospect, I made a complete fool of myself.

"Max?" I snap out of the past and shake my head of the negative thoughts. Today was a good day, and even though it was hard as hell being around all the families of my fallen brothers without them being here, it was still heartwarming.

"Yeah, sorry. I'll be there in less than an hour. If you uncomfortable with me taking you, then Sloan is outside watching the house. You can always go tell him." I await for her answer. I gave her the option of being around me and after how I acted last night, I would completely understand if she didn't want to be near me.

"No. I'll wait for you. See you soon." She hangs up and I puff my chest up about her choice. I know I shouldn't be expecting anything with her staying with me, but my heart can't help it, it's always belonged to that girl. It's just too bad she couldn't reciprocate those actions.

I start my bike, enjoying the feeling of the engine below me, then take off in the direction of home. I don't get far when my phone rings once more and I pull over to answer it.

A few years back, one of my old buddies that joined the marines was killed by a driver on their phone. I've always hated the fact that he fought for our country, for that idiot to be able to get on his phone and drive to his important business meeting, and was killed by someone at home. Since then, my phone don't exist in my hand while I'm driving unless it's an emergency.

"Shawna?"

"Hi, sorry to bother you again but Austin and Shane just pulled up. Guessing they are going to want to talk to you when you get here, but I thought I would let you know."

Shit. Last thing I need after today is to get into it with my brother and my best friend. I know I should have told them about taking Shawna and I shouldn't have ignored their calls, but I needed some time to think this over, and unfortunately I still have nothing. I have no idea who could go after the club so hard they would attack who they assume is my old lady. Seems too personal to me.

"You still there?"

"Yeah, yes, just let them in and hang tight, I'll be there soon enough." With that I hang up and head straight home.

When I pull up I notice Shawna's car is now parked outside my house in the driveway and I won't admit how my heart did some fuckin' summersaults in my chest with that image. I also notice Austin's SUV in the driveway as well. He and Shane must have brought her car to her.

Walking in, I immediately smell the delicious aroma of coffee.

Before Shawna and I split up, I used to imagine this exact scenario. Because Shawna normally works weekends and after school for the children, and my schedule was more of a drop in, morning were ours. I would imagine waking up every morning and seeking her out, already knowing my girl, as an early riser, would most likely be in the kitchen making her smoothie and me my morning coffee. It was our routine when we spent the night at each other's places, and I thought it could be our routine here.

"Hey, I made some coffee if you want some." Shawna says placing one of the mugs mom bought me when she took her vacation a few years ago to Italy, in front of Shane. He nods his head in appreciation and she moves to do the same to Austin.

I want to stab these fuckers for getting alone time with Shawna. I don't want to share her and yes, I know how fuckin' whipped I sound.

"Thanks darlin'."

"You want to give us a minute Shawna?" Austin asks. Shawna looks right into my eyes and doesn't walk away until I nod my head in her direction.

"Want to explain what the fuck you think you were doing yesterday?" Austin says as soon as Shawna is out of earshot.

"I know man, I'm sorry, I just couldn't be in that room getting shit done but scratching our asses while she stayed out there waiting for us to determine her fate. She needed to be here Aus."

"Why, because she's yours? You know you don't just get to make those decisions Max. She doesn't belong to you, so this is a club dispute. Your my VP man, you should know better, and honestly, if it were any other brother doing it, you of all people would have been on them."

Shit, he's right. I am always the one to stick by the club rules and try to bring peace. Then I went and acted like I was on my own. I honestly don't know if this is the safest place for Shawna, but I didn't want her anywhere else. I was simply thinking of myself.

"In case you're interested, Dipp's got some information for us."

"Thought Dipp said he didn't speak with anyone."

"Didn't. But someone reached out to him from the inside last night." Shane joins the conversation still sitting his comfortable ass on my chair.

"Someone reached out to him? Who the fuck would do that?"

"Don't know but I don't trust it. Remember Noble?" Austin asks and I shake my head. The name doesn't sound familiar.

"Might have been around the time you were away." Austin whispers then looks down into his coffee. I walk over to my dining room table and sit down as well. I can always tell something bothers Austin whenever he or mom mentions my past. I have never shared with him everything from Afghanistan but I don't play my brother as a fool. I'm sure he can plug in the pieces.

"Noble used to be one of ours. Back from our dad's time. Once we went legit, he wanted out. Told us he got his club tattoo done over." Shane begins.

It makes sense. We lost a lot of brothers over money. It bothered me because these men vowed to protect each other, yet the moment we aren't making as much loot, they wanted out. I hated that it was the same men my father had put all his trust in. Old man would be rolling over in his grave if he knew his brothers were acting like this.

"Got arrested a few months after the club was completely out of drugs down in Vegas. When cops took pictures of him we noticed his club tattoo was still there. Instead of gutting the fucker, we had him erase his tat, then made him our eyes and ears. He'll be in prison for a while, guess the asshole had some priors, so we use him for information. He was transferred over from Vegas to New York, thanks to Timmons and he's the one that tried reaching out to Dipp."

I look out my kitchen window as the sun shines in the backyard. I've always enjoyed this time of day. Right when the sun is in the center of the sky and lights up the entire house. Normally I can sit right here in my kitchen and watch as the sun makes it all the way across the sky. Used to give me some sense of peace, but not now. Not with all this shit going on. I try to put all the facts in order of what we have been dealing with for the last few weeks but I can't make sense of any of the shit going on and I no longer know what the hell is going on.

"So, Noble is trying to get a hold of Dipp, but according Dipp he never spoke with anyone. Hell, he was in jail over the weekend. How the hell could any information gotten to him?"

"Didn't go straight to Dipp. It went through Timmons." Shane says and we all fall into a silence.

I'm afraid to finish the thoughts in my head and my only explanation I have for any of this, is that Timmons is playing us.

"Got something else." I wait for Austin and Shane to bring their gaze over to me and continue. "Shawna's roommate, Inette, is a reporter. She's been following Timmons for a report of the new Chief of Police. Here's the thing. She gave me some pictures; some blonde guy is in every single image. Can't make out his face well but for what she can tell, he was being deliberate."

"Too much shit going on. Timmons is in the middle of it all." Shane says. Fucker was never one for long thought out sentences.

"Agreed. I don't want him to know we are thinking of him this way. So for now, we play it as if we still trust him, but I've got a brother, Onyx, on him now. He'll let me know if he sees any guys that look shady following Timmons." I nod at my older brother and watch as they both get up and head to the front.

"Oh and by the way Max." Austin says turning back around. "If you ever do something behind the clubs back like that again, you get your ass demoted. I get that you want to protect her, and I do agree with you that it makes sense to keep her somewhere no one knows about, but that shit can't happen." Austin waits for me to nod, then heads out with Shane trailing him.

I wait for the two of them to leave, then head to the guest bedroom to find Shawna.

Knocking on the door, I await an answer and instantly regret going straight to her room. Shawna is in her uniform, something that consist of a small blue and white checkered top and blue pencil skirt. She has on some white heels and I hate that all I want to do is run my tongue down her entire body. Fuck.

"Hey, is everything alright?"

"Huh?" I look up at her and see her smirk then cross her arms at her chest.

Great, now my attention is on her breasts.

"I said, is everything alright? Austin seemed pretty upset." And just like that I am no longer hard. Bringing a guy's brother up is a sure way to kill away any hard-on.

"Yeah, everything is good. Thought you might want to eat before you have to leave."

"I was going to talk to you about that. Is it alright if I go ahead and drive myself?" I want to tell her no, that it's still not safe and that I should take her everywhere and bring her back. Here. To my home. But I know I can't be like that to her.

"Yeah, we're good. Austin had Clyde fix your car up so you can get going back and forth. Still gonna have a brother on you but you'll be fine." She nods her head and comes completely out of her room heading towards the kitchen.

"Dinner still an offer? I'm pretty hungry. I don't know about you, but you have like, nothing to eat here." She smile and I curse at myself for leaving her all day without any idea where I was, and no food.

Way to be an asshole Max.

"Sorry, don't always get to the grocery store."

"I understand. If Inette didn't do our grocery shopping I don't know what I would do." I nod my head with a genuine smile and walk with her to the kitchen.

"I couldn't find much, but you did have some ground turkey. I could make us some spaghetti." I smile at her as she moves comfortably around my kitchen. I try and contain the feeling of happiness from settling into my chest but as she begins humming a song and kicks her shoes off to cook me dinner, I know I'm too late.

Half way in, Shawna turns to me and lifts her eyebrows up. I can always tell when my girl needs something." Dammit, I keep calling her that.

"What's up?" I ask smirking when she turns back around to stir the meat.

"Nothing, I was just wondering if we could maybe talk?"

"Okay, what do you want to talk about?"

Shawna turns off the burner and begins platting. I wait until she sits down herself with her bottle of water and takes a few bites. One thing that has always turned me on about Shawna was her fuck you attitude to the clich¨¦s of the world. She eats sloppy and laughs loudly with her mouth wide open. She's not the normal chick, and I've always appreciated that about her.

"A truce."

"Truce?"

"Yes. A truce. I want us to get along, and maybe, at the end of all this craziness, we could be friends." I study her and refrain my narrowing my eyes at her. Friends? She can't be serious.

"You want to be my friend?"

"Look Max, I know we didn't have the best break up, but we didn't always hate each other. And for now, we will be living together until this is all done. I'm mostly home in the morning and your brother has already forbidden me from going to the studio, so most likely we will see each other. I just don't want there to be animosity."

"I don't either. And I get it, I do."

Shawna gives me a relived smile that tells me I may regret my decision for getting close with this girl and not putting my heart in it once more.

What a cluster fuck.

"Then we will try and get along?"

"Yep. And Shawna, I know this hasn't been easy, and I wanted you to know I'm sorry. I didn't mean for my life to touch yours this way. I'm not going to let this fucker hurt you. I can promise you that.

Her eyes get cloudy but she shakes her head causing the soon to be tears to vanish, then nods her head.