22. Hazy Shade of Winter

Wow, I ALMOST didn't finish this one in time for today but would you look at that, I did! :D There isn't any music in the chapter so the only song for today is the one from the title, so

The Bangles - Hazy Shade Of Winter (1987 BUT they have been performing it since 1983 so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (there's the shrug emoji, I hope it works :D )

Again, so close to 200! I'm breaking out the champagne when we pass the mark! (I'm not even joking, will include pictures if you want me to :D) okay, maybe wine, I don't want to open a bottle of champagne all alone.

As always, I hope you enjoy the chapter. I hope I'll have one ready for tomorrow, I am starting it now. Thank you for your amazing reviews, especially those I couldn't answer. Keep 'em coming, you know I love them! So enjoy the chapter and let me know what you think! Much love! :)

By the time chief parks the car in front of Jonathan's house, it's already dark outside. We were stuck in that bus for a very long time and only now when we're seemingly safe, I get a chance to realize just how scared I actually was. And it all multiplies by ten when I see Joyce, Nancy and Jonathan run out of the house when they hear us coming.

The moment I see him, everything else becomes completely irrelevant. It's like the entire world is a narrow tunnel and the only thing I see at the end is him. I jump out of the car. I don't wait for anyone, I just jump out and I start running to him. He starts running towards me and by the time we hit each other, it actually kind of hurts. The pain is just as irrelevant as everything else.

Of course I was worried about Joyce. Of course I am glad to see Nancy but right now… it's just Jonathan.

I don't hear the conversations around me, I don't pay attention to other reunions. It takes me a moment just to find the strength to pull away from him. We've been apart for… just a couple of hours. "For a moment there, I actually thought I wasn't going to see you again." I admit in a nervous chuckle.

Joyce knows about us. Joyce knew about us before we knew about us. They all know, it's not a secret, it never was. Yet we were always careful. Now? I don't care who's going to see us kiss. His mother, his entire family, my entire family. The president, aliens, monsters, I don't care. I don't care who's watching. Much to my surprise, neither does Jonathan. Instead of moving away, he just pulls me closer.

"You two do realize that our work isn't halfway done, right?"

And just like that, with Dustin's annoyance, my little bubble of happiness explodes. I wish I could be angry at the kid but he has a point. They all march into the house but when I try to do the same, Jonathan pulls me by the hand and we stay behind.

"You really need to hear what they have to say." I tell him.

"And I will," he nods. "I just… how the hell did you end up with them?" he asks. Isn't that the question!

"I nearly killed them," I admit and the look on Jonathan's face serves as proof that I shouldn't be retelling the story from that starting point. "Look, it's a very long story and I'm just… drained. And I have a pretty bad idea that this night is far from over so let's just leave it for some other time. I found them, I was with them and now I'm here. You really need to hear what they have to say." I tell him, trying to be as kind as possible. It has nothing to do with him. I'm just worried that this is far from over and I don't want to waste time on storytelling when that can literally wait for a moment of peace.

"Can the girl… does she really have powers?" Jonathan asks me. He looks apprehensive, as if that's the craziest thing he ever heard of and he's just supposed to believe in it.

"Yeah," I confirm and I give him a moment to process it. "And that's not even the craziest thing you're going to hear tonight, I promise you that. Let's go."

I listened to the same story the boys told me when we turned that old bus into basecamp. The Upside Down, the Demogorgon, the other dimensions, the gate and the magnetic field. I sat and watched as Joyce, Nancy, Jonathan and the chief struggled to accept all of it. It's amusing, really. Joyce and Nancy had both seen the monster with their own eyes and Jonathan believed in it when we had much less to go on. The chief… I don't even know what the hell his deal is and how he is involved but apparently, he believes Joyce when she tells him that Will isn't dead.

I kept my eyes on the girl, who already had one to many pair of eyes on her. I can tell that she feels out of place but she knows she's our best shot. I'm not sure she's quite used to all of this, to so many people being around her and relying on her as heavily as we do. I don't know how the hell it's possible for a 16 year old to have motherly instinct but what else could it be?

Sisterly. Sisterly instinct, that's what it is. That one is much more believable.

"Does she need anything else?" I ask as we gather round the kitchen table, with the spotlight shining bright on El, who fidgets in her chair.

"Just the radio," Mike reassures me. "And a little bit of space." He adds and right on cue, we all move away just a little bit. I can literally see Joyce shaking and I squeeze her shoulder. This must feel like a second round of the same old crap to her. Actually, it's probably worse now, seeing as we know where he is and we know how to get him but we don't have a specific location. That's why we need El. If we're going to go in the Upside Down to get him, we need to know where he is. And time's running out.

There's tension everywhere, all of us are on edge. The static coming from the radio is not helping anyone relax and my heart jumps when the lights flicker; only this time, they don't flicker for too long. After what seems like ages, Eleven opens her eyes. "I'm sorry." She whispers.

"Wha-what's wrong? What happened?"

"I can't find them." She admits. The atmosphere went from tense to hopeless in a second. Joyce starts shaking again but this time, Jonathan needs to be the one to help her up. I walk over to El, who is tearing up and no one other than the kids seems to be focused on her anymore.

"Come on," I offer her a small smile. "Let's get you cleaned up for a sec, okay?"

She needs to be away from them and they need to be away from her, if only for a little while. We are all desperate to know where Will and Barb are but if we pressure her, I don't think we'll be doing her any good. If anything, she's going to buckle under such pressure. We won't achieve anything, we won't find out where they are and she will probably feel horrible because of it.

I guide her through the house and to the bathroom; I turn the light on and I close the door behind us. She just stands there, waiting for me. Again, I smile at her and I guide her to the sink. "When I cry, I find that cold water helps. You can wash your face if you want to." I tell her and she nods her head. Tears roll down her cheeks before she splashes her face a little bit, before looking at me, as if she is checking if she's doing it right. "Yeah, like that. That way, you won't look puffy."

"Puffy?" she asks in confusion as I sit down on the edge of the bathtub.

"All puffy and red from crying," I explain and she nods her head in understanding. "El, you know I'm one of the good guys, right? You know I'm a friend?" I ask and she slowly nods her head again. "Do you trust me?" I ask her. I might be pushing it, the girl just met me hours ago. But we are all that she has at this point and I think she knows it. She's not… she might not have the basic understanding of how the world functions, what things do and what certain words mean but she's not stupid. She saw that the boys trust me and she trusts them, especially Mike. He's her… protector, I guess, even if she's the one with the super powers. Her protector trusts me and I suppose that should make me good enough in her book.

"I trust you." she tells me in a low voice.

"Good. Because I trust you and so do they," I point at the door. "I know… I know we are asking for a lot over here. They know it too. We wouldn't be asking if we had a different option. But honey, you can only do so much," I sigh as I take a hold of her hands; I think it's a good sign that she didn't flinch. "If you can't do it, you can't do it. You can't push yourself too hard, El. We want to find Will and Barb, of course we do. But we don't want anything to happen to you either."

"Why?"

Wow. That is a good question. A deep one too and one that I was not expecting.

"Because… because you are a friend. You are friends with Mike, Dustin and Lucas. You are my friend now too. Friends keep each other safe. We are all friends and family here, honey. Friends and family are probably the most important people in your life. With them, you don't ask questions, you don't stop to think twice. You keep them safe and you love them, no matter the crap they do."

I hate sisterly love. I hate it with a passion because Steve should be the last thing on my mind right now and yet he's not. I need to work things out with him but I have bigger fish to fry at the moment.

"Crap?" she asks. Well… crap.

"Yeah. Stupid things. But that's a bad word, you don't want to use it," I am just making her more confused by the second. "My point is… if the bad people want you, they're gonna have to go over us first. We'll keep you safe. I promise."

"Promise." she smiles at me. I can't hold back the hair ruffle, even if there's no actual hair on her head to ruffle. I used to do it all the time with Will and now… god, we need to find that boy.

"Yup. Just take it one step at a time, okay?" I ask and once again, she nods her head. I wasn't ready for her to hug me, I wasn't expecting it. But she does. For someone who used to say they really don't like kids I sure am singing a different song right now. I still don't like most kids, though. Most kids suck, but not these guys. And Eleven, with her… I don't know, unconditional trust, lack of doubt? She just managed to melt away my frozen heart.

Will I ever be as cynical as I was before Will got lost?

"Now, let's wipe away those tears," I pull away and do exactly what I just said. "There we go. Happy?"

But she's not looking at me at all. She's staring right behind me. I turn around, half expecting the Demogorgon to be right behind me but I see nothing. "El? You okay?"

"I think I know." she tells me.

"Know what, honey?"

"How to find them."

"Do you know anything about sensory deprivation tanks?" Dustin turns around and narrows his eyes at me. Oh, he's asking me! Is he stupid?!

"Really? Really?!"

"Well, you were a nerd once upon a time."

"Dustin, buddy, there's a difference between a science nerd and a weirdo. I was a weirdo. Still am." I tell him. I mean yeah, sure, I got A's in science but I have A's in almost everything. Just because I know stuff doesn't mean I'm actually interested in them. A highly skilled monkey could get straight A's. And as Dustin is probably well aware of, sensory deprivation tanks were never on Mr. Clarke's tests.

"Is this really the conversation we should be having right now?" the chief asks in annoyance.

"Why? Do you know anything about sensory deprivation?" Dustin asks. "Didn't think so." He responds in a heartbeat. I look away, genuinely afraid of what could happen to me if I laugh out loud. I don't think Dustin even realizes just how much he burned the chief but I'm pretty sure Hopper is well aware of it.

"Okay, focus," Lucas speaks up. "We don't know it. We need someone who knows it."

"Mrs. Byers, can I use your phone?" Dustin asks. Joyce nods and I hold back a comment; really? He asks if he can use her phone? We're hunting an… interdimensional monster and he asks if he can use her phone? I thought we were past the pleasantries.

I move away from the crowd as Dustin starts talking to Mr. Clarke. I'm not going to be able to hear the conversation anyways, so I might as well take some time to gather my thoughts. I walk out on the porch of their house and I light a cigarette.

It feels like it's been days, not just hours. It feels as if we were at the police station a week ago, not just this morning. So much has happened… I don't think I can fully register everything at this point.

My heart skips a beat when I hear footsteps but I can come up with the tiniest of smiles when I see that it's Jonathan. I don't protest when he puts his arms around me. In fact, I lean on him. I am so fucking tired, it's not even funny. I didn't even realize it, seeing as I just didn't stop to catch a breath for hours.

"How's your back?"

"What?"

"The scratches." He elaborates and it actually takes me a moment to realize what he's talking about.

"Oh," I sigh, remembering. "Yeah, I'm not in pain or anything like that. What about your hand?" I ask and before he can actually answer, I take a hold of his right hand and look at the knuckles; they were red and scratched, serving as a proof of the brawl that feels like it happened in a different lifetime. "I almost forgot why I wanted Steve dead but now I remember."

"I just want all of this to be over," he admits and it's no longer clear who's holding who. We are both falling apart in our different ways and it just… it doesn't feel nice. It feels horrible and wrong and to hear him say something like that, I can't help but mirror those words, feel those feelings. That's all I want. All I want is for things to go back to normal but after everything that has happen and all the things that are yet to happen, will that even be possible. "I just want to find Will and I want this to be over. We should be listening to music and making out in the backseat, not fighting monsters and trying to rescue my brother from a different dimension. It's just wrong!"

"Babe, I know," I sigh and I notice a tiny frown on his face. "See?! I told you it was weird!"

"Okay, I get it now," he laughs. "Maybe we're not there yet."

"Yeah, but are we away from it though?" I ask and I feel his shoulders shrug. "We've been together for like… ten days and I'm pretty sure we've experienced more than my parents did in their 20 year marriage. They never had to fight a Demogorgon."

"Maybe they did but they never told you?" Jonathan suggests and laughs when I punch him on the shoulders. It was a gentle punch; he already got beaten by one Harrington today. "We should get back and see if Dustin has come up with a plan. Wow. We're relying on a 12-year-old."

"A bunch of 12-year-olds," I correct him. Sure, Dustin might be the one who knows what we should do but Mike and Lucas are helping too; and I don't even want to start on Eleven. "Who probably would have helped us a lot sooner if we knew that they knew what they knew." I tell him as we walk back into the house. We don't even get into the kitchen before Joyce stops us.

"Jonathan, Tina, I need you to go in the shed and look for the kiddie pool." She tells us.

"Okay?" Jonathan mumbles. At this point, are we even allowed to be confused by anything anymore.

"We need to go to school," the chief announces. "That's the only place where we can find 1500 pounds of salt."

"Can we actually do that?" I ask; I don't want to be causing any more trouble around town.

"What, we could get arrested?" he retorts. Okay, 1:0 for the chief.

"Tina, Jonathan. Kiddie pool. Now."

Joyce was never this bossy before but then again, we never had a mission like this. I follow Jonathan out of the house and into the shed, where we start looking for a pool that I don't even know what it looks like. The shed is a complete mess, with everything from tools to an actual shotgun lying around.

"You know, once all of this is over, maybe we can have a spring cleaning?" I comment. I never really thought a day would come when I'd be the one to initiate a cleaning campaign of any kind.

"You think we'll make it until spring?" Jonathan laughs as he goes through some boxes.

"Us as a couple, yes. Us as two individual beings being alive by the time spring comes, I'm not so sure about." I grunt as I struggle to lift a rolled up piece of… rubbery plastic? "I'm gonna take a wild guess and assume that this is the kiddie pool and that I can't fucking lift it?"

"Yeah, that's it," Jonathan confirms and he walks over to help me with it. "Jesus!" he grunts once he finally lifts up the damned thing. "How the hell is this thing so heavy?"

"I told you before; no older sibling has enough upper body strength."

"Do you want to lift it?" he asks ironically. He obviously wasn't expecting me to take him up on the offer. "Hey, what are you-" he stops once he realizes that I can actually hold the damned thing. I just couldn't pick it up without dropping it; now that I am holding it properly, I can manage. Barely.

"Let's go before I drop it." I ignore his laughter as I march out of the shed and towards his car; I have to wait for him to open the trunk; the damned thing shakes the whole car when I drop it.

"You'll take Joyce and the girls," I look up when I hear the chief's voice and I register that he's talking to Jonathan, not me. I slam the trunk and watch as the kids are jumping into the backseat of the chief's car. "Follow me. You," I snap my head up, realizing that he's talking to me. "You still have that gun of yours?"

"Yeah."

"Do you know how to use it?" I want to role my eyes at his tone but I remember to look at this from his point of view. I'm a 16-year-old girl, what are the chances that I actually know how to use a gun? And in his defense, I wasn't exactly brilliant with it. So I just nod my head. "If you have to, use it." I nod again.

We don't have time to waste, so I hurry to get into Jonathan's car, followed by Nancy and finally, by Joyce and Jonathan. I look over at Nancy and I want to say something to reassure her, but I know that no matter what I say, the words won't do it justice. We are beyond reassurance now; we have a plan and we are doing it. She doesn't need me to tap her shoulder and to tell her that everything's going to be okay. At least I don't think she does. So I just offer her a small, half-hearted smile. For a moment there, I think that I did the wrong thing but she manages to smile back.

"I was willing to understand all of this earlier," Joyce suddenly speaks up. "The monster hunting, bear traps, all of it, everything. But what in the name of god are you doing with a gun?" she turns around in her seat and glares at me.

Crap.

When you feel useless, there's no fix for it. When there's nothing you can do but sit and wait, it's… pretty horrible. Doing nothing can eat you up from the inside. Now, we are all on a mission. Everyone has their task and we do not plan on stopping until it's fulfilled.

Jonathan and Hopper are in charge of the salt. Nancy and Mike are in charge of water. Dustin and Lucas are handling the pool and Joyce and I are taking care of Eleven. By the time they are done with making the sensory deprivation pool, Eleven will have the energy to find Will and Barb. And once she does that… well, we'll see what we're going to do then. We know where the entrance to this thing is, or 'the gate' as the boys are calling it, so we will probably regroup and find a way to get into the lab and to that place.

There's still a lot to do before that. Preparing the pool is going to take quite some time and as much as I would like to help make that process faster, I am needed here, just as much as Joyce is, because Eleven is shaking. She did seem calmer now, after Joyce had reassured her that everything is going to be alright, but she is definitely not at ease. When Joyce leaves to check on how things are going with the kiddie pool, I take my chance and I sit on Mr. Clarke's desk, right in front of here.

"We're all gonna be here," I tell her, mirroring what Joyce had told her earlier. "When you go into that bad place, you're not really there, El. You're going to be there with your mind but you, you will still be here. And we will be right there next to you, holding your hand. You're not going to have to be alone. That's what we've all been doing wrong all along. All of us, we've been trying to figure things out all alone. We didn't even realize how stronger we could be as a team. But… we're here now. And no one is going to be alone anymore. And that's… pretty cool, don't you think?"

She nods and smiles but I can tell she isn't really feeling it. What else can I do? I said we won't leave her alone and we won't leave her alone. Maybe then she'll realize that I mean it. After everything she has been through, does anyone have the right to blame her for having trust issues? Hell, if I were her, I'd be out of here. I wouldn't even bother with sticking around, let alone helping some completely random strangers. She's still here so I guess that says a lot about her character.

"Look, if it's going to make you feel any better, think of what will happen tomorrow, when this is all over," I suggest. "Think of all the fun you're going to have. We're going to find Will and then you can meet him too and become his friend. You can hang around with the boys, and I will take you shopping and teach you some good music and you can do everything the other kids are doing. I'm pretty sure we can even figure something out and you can start school here. You can do whatever you want, spend time with whoever you want to spend time with, eat whatever the hell you want to eat-"

"Eggos?" she asks, beaming up at me.

"Yes," I laugh at her random choice of food to eat; I would go for a roast dinner but I'm a carnivore to the bone. To each his own. "You can eat as many Eggos as you want. We can make an Eggo cake for you." I tell her; I actually have to check that one out. I'm not sure if I can even manage a regular cake, let alone an Eggo cake. But if she wants it, she'll get it.

"Thank you."

"No, thank you. Without you, we would be going in blind. You are saving our asses here." I think I'm on the right track because she actually chuckles at my comment.

"Guys?" I turn around when I hear Joyce's voice; she's by the door, along with Mike. "We're ready."

"Are you ready?" I ask and she takes a deep breath and nods her head. Well, now or never.

Despite being aware that Eleven knows what she's doing, I couldn't help but wonder if this is going to turn out as stupid as it looks. We managed to turn a kiddie pool into a science experiment, while hiding away in our middle school's gym. If someone was to walk in, not only would we be in trouble, but they'd probably thing we're insane. Which we might be, considering all that's been going on in the last week.

We wait as Eleven floats around the pool with her taped goggles. We wait and we wait. As we sit around the pool, the lights start flickering again; whatever she is doing, it's working. In a matter of seconds, we are in complete dark. And we wait.

"Barbara?" she suddenly whispers and Nancy, who's sitting right next to me, jumps up. El's breath hitches and the lights flicker again.

"What's going on?" Nancy asks.

"I don't know, it hasn't happened like this before." Mike tells her.

"What's wrong with Barb? Is she okay?" Nancy raises her voice at the girl but I don't even know if she can hear us at this point.

"Gone. Gone. Gone!"

Eleven starts panicking and Nancy breaks down in tears as we realize what Eleven is saying.

Barb is dead. Barb is… gone.

I don't know if I should turn to Nancy or Eleven, I don't know where to look as Joyce and Hopper are trying to calm her down. I can hear Joyce whispering reassuring words to her and I put my hand over their hands, as a silent way of showing her that I too am here. With my other hand, I grab Nancy's; her squeeze is so strong, I'm afraid she's going to break it. I look to Jonathan, who understands what my look means; he throws an arm around Nancy. She's not alone. She's not alone in this.

Eleven calms down and Joyce lets her go again; the only sound now is the faint movement of water and Nancy's quiet sobs. We need to know more. We need to know where Will is. As bad as I feel about thinking it, just because Barb is gone doesn't mean that Will is too.

We were too late to save her but maybe, just maybe, there's a chance we're not too late to save Will.

"Castle Byers."

My heart almost stops working when I hear Eleven utter those words. I turn to look at Jonathan; I was right. Will is staying near the house, whether it's because he can't move too far or because it's his safety blanket. That's why the lights aren't flickering in the house anymore. The Demogorgon found him there but Will didn't wander too far from it.

"Will?"

"You tell him… tell him I'm coming," Joyce utters in panic; is it panic or excitement. It sure as hell isn't relief. We're not close to him but at least we know where he is. "Mom is coming."

"Hurry."

This doesn't come from El. It comes from Mike's walkie-talkie. It's Will's voice.

Oh my god it's real. After everything, this is real too!

"Okay. Okay. Listen, tell him to stay where he is! We're coming! We're coming, okay? We're coming, honey!"

Suddenly, we can all hear whimpers over the walkie-talkie and Eleven jumps up, removing the goggles and shaking. Joyce and I are the first that get to her. She is shaking in our arms.

"We got you. We got you, El. You're still here."

I see the look Joyce exchange with Hopper and I know I have to take over. She follows him as he stands up and I keep a hold of El, who looks at me. She has... there's fear in her eyes.

"It's okay," I reassure her again. "You're right here. You're not alone, we're not leaving you alone. Now let's get you out of that water, what do you say?" I ask and when she nods her head, I help her stand up and walk out of the pool; Mike is waiting with towels and we both help her get dry.

She's going to freeze to death, we should have thought about this earlier. As I order them to sit on the bleachers, I take my jacket off and put it next to them. "For later, if you get cold." I say and she nods her head. I sit down before them, still silent. It's evident that no one is willing to speak up. What do you say after shit like this? Barb is gone and Will is barely holding on. What do you say to that?

I didn't bother with offering to go and look for him. I would do it gladly, in a heartbeat but I know Joyce and Hopper would allow me to go about the same time pigs start flying. I couldn't blame Jonathan for going after them; it's his brother, after all.

"They wouldn't let me." He simply states when he returns to the gym and it's clear that he's both annoyed and angry. There isn't much I can do to help him.

"Of course they wouldn't let you, we're the second line of defense," I shake my head, noticing the kids looking at me now. "If they fail, we're going to have to go after him. We're team B."

"Yeah, well I can't just wait here for team A to fail!" he snaps.

"Do you see a different option?" I ask, equally annoyed. I know it's the tension talking out of him and I know I shouldn't go all bitch on him but I'm not going to let him talk like that to me, no matter how annoyed and angry he gets. I'm his girlfriend, not his mental punching bag. "We're here and we're keeping them safe. Go and find Nancy, get her to come here. I'm staying with the kids."

He's definitely throwing a tantrum. He marches out of the gym, leaving me alone with them.

"You're keeping us safe?" Lucas breaks the awkward silence.

"Hell yeah," I smile. "I need to keep you occupied while Joyce and Hopper save the day. In fact, I think I have an idea. Give me a moment." I smile as I jump on my feet and start walking out of the gym.

"Where are you going?" Dustin yells after me.

"I'll be back in a second! Learn some patience, child!" I turn around just in time to see him giving me the finger. Which he tries to hide as soon as he realizes that I'm looking his way. "You're not even holding it properly, by the way."

Jesus Christ. The whole world is falling apart, Barb is dead, Will is in danger and what am I going to do? I'm going to teach a bunch of 12-year-olds how to properly give someone the middle finger salute.

I really shouldn't spend so much time with children.