17. There Is A Happy Land

Well, here we go again. First thing's first: playlist.

1)David Bowie - There Is A Happy Land (seriously, play it, it can cover the whole freaking chapter)

I'm still writing in the speed of light but I'm going back to work tomorrow so yet again I warn you, I might have to slow down a bit. Then again, I am writing in advance, so maybe not :D

Thank you for reading guys, I mean it. And thank you for the reviews, they make me so freaking happy every time! I still can't quite believe the love this story's getting. Thank you. I mean it.

Let me know what you think about this one :)

I have so many questions but they could all be summed up in one word. How. HOW?!

How the hell is this possible? How the hell would they find a body if it's not the real thing? How the hell did Joyce know? How could they have fooled Jonathan? How could this be happening?

There's also why.

Why would anyone be doing this? Why would anyone want a mother to believe that her child is dead? Why would monsters come out of walls? Why and how is it connected to Will?

And where. More than that, where.

If that's not Will's body and if Barb is missing then where the hell are they?

I stare at the enlarged photo in my hands. I can see… a thing. I don't know what the hell it is. It doesn't look human; it doesn't look like an animal. it looks to be somewhere in between, which is pretty much exactly what Joyce have said that she saw. Nancy confirmed it. She said it, without a trace of doubt in her mind. That's what she saw. Near my house at that. The same house where my brother is probably at. Then again, monsters are jumping out of walls at Jonathan's house.

"Jonathan, what the fuck is going on?" I ask. I couldn't talk for a very long time. Ever since we dropped Nancy off to her house, I don't think I spoke a single sentence. We enlarged the photo, came to the conclusion that Joyce isn't crazy, dropped Nancy off and went back to the funeral home, where Jonathan picked out a casket for his brother that maybe actually isn't his actual brother. All the while, I couldn't say a coherent sentence, not a single one.

"I don't think my mom's crazy," he tells me as he stops the car, in the middle of the road that leads to his house. That's a good call. If we're going to have this conversation, we need to have it before we get to Joyce. "Whatever she saw, Nancy saw it too. It got Barb," he points at the photo in my hands. I can't deny the obvious when I literally hold a piece of evidence in my hand. There's something in a photo and whatever it is, it is not fucking human. "And if you saw the lights too… I don't think Will is dead."

"Then where the hell is he?"

"I don't know," he sighs. I jump in surprise when he hits the steering wheel with all the strength he has in him. "But if that thing has him… We need to find him."

"How?"

"I don't know."

"If we think that Will is still out there, which we do, why the hell are we having the funeral?" I ask.

"Because Mom needs to say goodbye. I know," Jonathan jumps up when he sees the look on my face. "I know. She's the one who's been saying it from the beginning but Tina, what if we don't find him? What if it all leads to nothing? How do I tell her then?"

I think I get it. If he walks in there and tells her that Will is alive and that we are going to try to find him, Joyce will hold onto that, as any other mother would. And if it doesn't work, if we don't find him or if we find him dead, that will be a whole different heartbreak for her, one in line of many. It would not be fair to do it to her, just as it isn't fair to lie to her. She thinks she's going crazy. Yeah, we all thought it but we have photographic proof that she's not insane. She deserves to know it. There is no good or bad option here, neither one of them is good. I just wished Jonathan had asked me for my opinion before making a call like that. But hey, it's his mother. If he doesn't want to tell her, I'll keep my damn mouth shut.

"So, we're going to the funeral, act like we believe Will is dead and then what? Go monster hunting?" I ask him. I could list a couple hundred reasons why that is the stupidest plan in the history of stupid plans. It's stupid, it's dangerous and given that both Will and Barb are missing, it might not end well for us. But on the other hand, Will. Will is… he's not dead. He's out there, somewhere. He reached out. It wasn't electricity, it was Will. Or maybe all of us are collectively going insane?

"Unless we come up with a better plan overnight, that's all we can do," he tells me. "Look, I don't want to get you into danger. I don't want to do that to you, asking you to join me isn't something that I wanted to do."

"That is so beyond the point," I snap. I didn't even realize that I was feeling annoyed but now, it's just… pouring out of me. "I'm not reluctant because I'm scared or because I don't want to do it, I am reluctant because we have no fucking plan! Helping you was never a question and after everything that has been going on in the last couple of days, I don't think you should be questioning it!"

Doesn't he realize that he doesn't have to ask? The whole "I would never put you in danger" speech is useless because I am going to jump into danger head first because that's what he's going to do! Does that make me an idiot? An hour ago, I wouldn't say so. Now, I'm not quite sure about it.

At least he's smart enough not to continue it. If he had said something, I would have said something back and I have a bad feeling that it would have resulted in our first proper fight and if there ever was a bad moment to have a proper fight, it's this one. If he stays quiet, I stay quiet too. Simple as that.

Being the idiot that I am, I didn't bother with the seatbelt and now, when Jonathan suddenly hit the brakes, out of nowhere, I had to hold on for dear life. I don't even get to ask him what the hell is going on; he's already out of the car and running into the house. I get out of the car, as fast as I can, ready to get into a proper fight with him but then I notice what must be the reason for his sudden reaction. There is a fucking hole in the wall. A hole in the wall of the house, covered by blue plastic. I run.

Well, at least Joyce is alive. I'm not so sure if she's well, but she's alive and in one piece.

"Who the hell are you?" a man speaks up, giving me a weird look. I probably earned that one, since I ran into the house after Jonathan like a mad woman.

"She's my girlfriend." Jonathan mumbles.

"Huh," the man laughs and looks me up and down. "Never thought you'd get one."

Ah fucking hell. I don't need to be a genius to figure out who this piece of work is.

"Nice to meet you too Lonnie," I deadpan. I can't deny it, I do feel a bit proud when I see the surprised look on his face. "I heard a lot about you." I add, before marching away to Jonathan's room. I am not going to be a witness to a family confrontation if that's what's about to happen. I've started meddling too much. I'm starting to think that it would be better if I just leave them be. Maybe I shouldn't be staying here anymore. I could go home and release the pressure that I've apparently been keeping on Jonathan. Tension or no tension, I don't want to lose him once all this is over.

It's starting to overwhelm me, all of this. I don't even want to think about what's waiting for me tomorrow. I definitely got a lot more than I bargained for and I think I'm starting to buckle under pressure. I don't know for how long I can keep it up.

I have to keep it up. I owe it to Jonathan and… no, fuck Jonathan. He's right here and we are on ground zero. I don't owe him anything and he doesn't owe me either. I owe it to Will. I owe it to that little boy to suck it up and do all I can to find him, even if that means that I'm… I don't know, going to lose myself.

"Will? Willster? Buddy, can you hear me?" I ask, careful to keep my voice low. "God, I'm a complete idiot, I'm talking to an empty room. Ugh! Just… I don't know what's true and what's not. But Will, if you can actually here me, if you're there somewhere… we're going to try to find you. We will do our best. Okay buddy? We'll do our best Willster." I sigh, staring directly at Jonathan's desk lamp. Now would be the perfect time for the light to flicker, turn off, anything. Nothing happens. Absolutely nothing.

"She saw it again," Jonathan bursts into the room, making me jump up in surprise. With a sigh, I turn around and lie down, facing the wall instead of him. Unfortunately for me, being a loner, Jonathan can't quite pick up on social cues; he doesn't realize that I'm not in the mood for talking, not even if it involves something groundbreaking and the danger we will probably be in tomorrow. "She said that Will was in the wall and that he tried to talk to her. The monster was there again."

"We'll be sure to give him Joyce's regards when we face it tomorrow."

"Is there something wrong?" he asks in confusion. I watch as he runs over to the desk and starts rummaging through the papers that are on it.

"No, everything is just fine."

He doesn't even care.

"Good. I need to mark the places on the map, so that we can figure out where to go tomorrow."

"Yeah, you do that."

Nothing. He doesn't even turn around. Well, I might as well just go to sleep.

The moment I see Joyce dressed in black, I want to tell her everything. But no one's asking me.

She looks… well, she looks like a mother that just lost her child. I don't think that Lonnie being here is of much help to her. I don't think that Jonathan's helping either. I might not have the liberty to tell her what we found out but I sure as hell can be here for her when everyone else seems to be turning their backs. Oh, Jonathan will remember me. When we find Will, I'll make him regret these last couple of hours. Who knows if by that point he'll even bother to stop and listen to me.

"Joyce?" I sit down on the bed next to her. She looks at me but I can see it in her eyes, she's lost. "Are you ready? We have to leave soon."

Oh and by the way, you are not out of your damned mind. Your son is still alive, communicating through the lights and is probably held captive by the same monster that you've seen coming through a wall. But hey, why would anyone bother to tell you that, right?

"I don't want to go there," she tells me in a low voice as she starts to shake her head. "Jonathan, Lonnie… I don't think they get it." she admits. Once again, I feel guilt for not being able to tell her that Jonathan does get it. Lonnie? I don't know and I don't care. He probably thinks she's a psycho.

"Do you remember that one day when we danced to disco music?" I ask and after giving me a confused look, she confirms by nodding her head. "Well, before that, we had a little life talk. It was a long talk and you shared a few wise words with me but I remember the wisdom of Joyce Byers in one simple thing you said. Actually, I said it, so it's kind of my wisdom but you agreed with it. Men are bullshit. Even the good ones." I remind her. I wasn't expecting her to crack a smile and I am genuinely surprised when she does. "This… is very sad. And it sucks. And Lonnie will never get it. So go out there and make sure to show that you can do it without him. Crazy or not… at least you're not bullshit."

The squeeze of her hand tells me more than her words ever could. She deserves the truth but as I open my mouth to say something, anything, Lonnie shows up at the door.

"Are you ready?"

After all the crap I heard about Lonnie, I didn't actually think I would want to ride in a car with him. With him and a grieving, confused as hell, Joyce. Seeing as how Jonathan and I haven't talked all morning, not a single word, I'm starting to think that carpooling with Joyce and Lonnie was a better option for me.

The situation is so far from normal, it's not even in the same realm! We're grieving a boy that is not dead. We're lying to everyone, literally everyone and we're making a poor woman think that she has lost all her marbles. I'm doing my best not to be a bitch and not to take his attitude personally but I don't think I'm successful. At least I'm keeping my mouth shut and avoiding a fight.

"Will you stay close?" he suddenly breaks the silence as I was about to get out of the car. I freeze, with my hand on the door handle. "For the funeral. Will you be close to me?"

"Yeah."

I mean, what else can I say to that? No? Stand by yourself? Of course not.

It's all… surreal, I suppose. If I truly believed that Will is in the casket before me, I imagine it would be much worse. He is alive, somewhere. He's not before us and yet, it feels like he is. Looking around at all his school friends and their parents… Mike, Dustin and Lucas, oh god. They do not look broken but I can imagine how much it's eating them on the inside. I want to go to them, talk to them. Even if I can't tell them that their best friend is alive, maybe I can talk to them. I hate that it has to wait.

"Tina?" Joyce turns around to me, making both me and Jonathan look in surprise. "You shouldn't be there. You should be sitting here with us. Will considers you family."

"It's okay," I give her a small smile and I squeeze her shoulder. "I'm right behind you."

"She did do more for him in the few months she knew him than his father did in his entire life."

"Jonathan," I warn him in a hushed voice. Fake or not, he doesn't want to make a scene at his brother's funeral. "Shut up. I'm right here." I hush him. He doesn't say anything. Despite not really wanting to do it, I put a hand on his shoulder as well. I'm surprised when he puts a hand over my own. I guess this is what it's all fallen down to; me giving them silent support because there's nothing else I can do.

I woke up at one moment last night. Jonathan was sound asleep next to me, with his hand thrown over me, despite the cold moment we had shared earlier. I woke up and I started thinking of how weird this whole thing is going to be like. I wondered how I'll feel and I could come up with uncomfortable and a little sad, seeing as Will is still missing. Sure, it's great that he's not dead but if we don't find him…

I spent a solid hour thinking about how I would feel today and I was wrong. Never, not in a million years, did I think that I would cry at a fake funeral. And here I am, crying at a fucking fake funeral.

I don't know if it's stress or worry or maybe the pending danger that we might march into later. Maybe it's the actual residue of sadness that's blasting onto the surface. I did bawl my eyes out when I thought that Will had died. It could be the leftovers of that sadness. I can only guess. All I know is that I am crying. Jonathan? Nothing. He knows the truth. Joyce? She might doubt the truth but she isn't crying either. And here I am, a stranger, a nobody, bawling my eyes out. At least I can keep it quiet.

It all gets a bit hectic once the casket is lowered into the ground. Lonnie takes it upon himself to be the one that talks to people and accepts their condolences. Joyce is just sitting there, staring in the ground before her and Jonathan is MIA. I don't know where to go, who to be with. I look around, trying to find Jonathan. I don't see him anywhere. But I do see someone else.

I could recognize that hair anywhere. He is walking towards the parking lot and sure enough, I see his BMW parked there. He's even wearing a suit.

I am surprised and quite touched but it's going to take more than this to repay for being the dickhead that he was in the last couple of days. Steve has a lot to do if he wants to apologize. Which is debatable.

I don't see Jonathan anywhere. I walk into the room, filled with Will's friends, their parents, teachers that once were my own teachers but I don't see Jonathan. I can't find him at all.

One step away from panic, I rush outside, lighting a cigarette as I go. As I try to catch my breath and calm myself down, I see two black figures sitting down on the ground, not far from here. It takes me a couple of seconds to realize that it's Jonathan and Nancy.

"Are you kidding me?" I ask as I walk over towards him; they saw me approaching even before I spoke up, not bothering to hide my anger. "Jonathan, what the hell are you doing? You should be with your mom, you should be in there."

"Look, we have a triangle," he turns a map to me and I see three red X's on it. "All the places in which we know it showed up. We know where to look."

"That's all… fine and dandy. And we will look. But right now, your mother is falling apart and your father isn't making things any better." I point out.

"I'm… I'm going inside," Nancy speaks up as she gets off the ground. She's a smart girl, she knows that it's her time to leave. "You can find me when you agree on when and where."

"Tina, what is wrong with you?" Jonathan asks once Nancy is far enough to not hear our conversation.

"Me? What is wrong with me?" I ask in disbelief. "You, Jonathan. What the hell is wrong with you?! Fake or not, people think this is your brother's funeral! Despite what she said before, I'm starting to think that your mom is starting to believe that that really is Will! And what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm trying to find a way to find my brother," he responds as he gets up from the ground. "Will is my priority!"

"And he should be! But you can't leave your mother alone in this! It's wrong to lie to her about this, Jonathan. She deserves to know the truth and if you actually bothered to ask, you'd know that's what I think! But no! All of a sudden, you just don't care on what I have to say about anything. You want to go monster hunting? Perfect! We will! And how the hell do you expect us to get out of it alive?"

"I took my dad's gun." He deadpans.

"Lovely. Perfect! See, if you had bothered to tell me that or to ask me about it, I could have told you not to do it because my father has a fucking shed full of guns that we could use without him realizing it!" I yell. Now, this one comes as a surprise to him, I can tell it on his face. Maybe, just maybe, this one example would serve as an eye opener for him. He doesn't get to selectively choose the things he wants to involve me in. I am either in or I'm out. If I am in, which he claims I am, I deserve to know what his game plan is and I deserve to voice my own fucking opinion. "If I'm going to put my life in danger to help you, the least I deserve is to be fucking included! Now, if you want to go monster hunting with lovely Nancy, be my guest! Have fun for me! If you need me, you'll find me with your mother because someone needs to help that poor woman and you apparently don't give a shit!"

These words are going to bite me on the ass one day, I know it. It's a shame that it was necessary for me to say it. And the sad part is, I don't even think it affected him, not one bit.

This is why shit like this shouldn't happen to people who have been together for… what, 10 days?! As much as you know someone in everyday life… they can be a complete stranger to you in grief, or in complete panic and danger. The Jonathan I thought I knew would bend over backwards to keep Joyce in one piece. The Jonathan I know wouldn't leave me out of the plan he made with Nancy fucking Wheeler. But that was the Jonathan I used to know. I'm stuck with this new version of him that I'm not even sure if I like or not.

I'm nowhere close to calm when I march into the room but if there's one thing I've learned from my mom, it's how to pretend. My face doesn't give an inkling of the turmoil that's currently going on inside of me. And a turmoil isn't a good explanation, it's worse than that. One emotion on top of the other and on and on it goes. It's piling up so high, I can't even see the ground from the mountain of emotion I am standing on. I'm getting dizzy at this point and not a single person in this room will notice.

First thing's first: the boys. I notice the three of them sitting alone and I force a small smile as I walk towards them. I remind myself that to them, their best friend is gone for good. I need to be gentle and I need to be supportive. I need to make it seem like it's not the end of the world.

"Hey guys," I catch their attention and they stop talking instantly. "How are you holding up?" I ask as I sit in one of the empty seats at their small table.

"We're… grieving." Lucas tells me.

"Lucas, don't bullshit me," I roll my eyes. They can fool everyone else if they're willing to try hard enough but I'm the one who gave them lying tips. I didn't fall for their bullshit then, I'm not going to fall for their bullshit now. "How are you really doing?" I ask.

"It's… very confusing." Dustin tells me. Now, that one is the truth.

"It's almost like he's not really gone," Mike speaks up, looking down at the table. Before, when he'd lie, he'd make a show of it, looking directly into my eyes and calmly lying. He's telling the truth. "It's still feels like he's out there somewhere. It doesn't feel like we buried him."

Oh, he has no idea how right he is. I might want to tell Joyce the truth but I don't want to tell them. They are 12. Their world should be as pure as possible. With their arcade and board games, I'm sure they're more familiar with the concepts of monsters than the rest of us, but it's one thing to play with them and another one to have your friend being taken by one of them. They shouldn't know. They're innocent children and they need to remain innocent for as long as possible. Besides, some truths hurt. This would hurt them. To Joyce, it would be a confirmation that she hasn't lost her mind. The boys? It would hurt.

"Guys, I'd like to tell you that it's going to get easier but I'm not quite sure about it myself," I admit. This time around, I'm the one that's looking away but by no means am I lying to them. "One thing I can tell you. I know the grown-ups must have said shit like this to you a lot over the last few days, but if you need someone to talk to, about anything, I'm here for you. I'm older and a bit smarter but I'm not going to talk down on you. I promise. If you need to talk, just find me. Okay?"

"Yeah," Dustin speaks on their behalf as Lucas and Mike nod their heads. "Thanks Tina."

"Anytime," I smile. "I'm going to talk to Mrs. Byers now. But if you need me, you know where to find me. Any day, any time," I tell them as I get up and make my way towards Joyce. She's sitting all alone, once again proving my point. She needs someone. And that someone shouldn't be Lonnie. I doubt she needs her son's girlfriend but I'm the only one that's fucking offering. "How are you doing?"

"I don't think I'm aware of everything yet," she admits. Now that has to be the understatement of the century. "Thank you for being here, Tina," she tells me as she reaches out for my hand. I force a small smile, despite filling like the biggest bitch in the room. That's exactly what I am. I'm keeping the truth from her. Why? Because her oh so smart son decided that's the best direction. "I don't know what we would do without you. Even Lonnie's been helping up."

"Oh no," I shake my head, talking in a hushed voice because I know there's a chance that Lonnie might be listening in on the conversation; he's close enough to do so, it's just a question of whether he cares enough to listen in or not. "Remember what we said this morning. Men are bullshit. All of them, even the good ones. It'd be nice to think that he's changing for the better but do you really think such a change is possible after being… well, pardon my French, a dick, for the past 20 years?"

Lonnie thinks Joyce is crazy. There isn't a single part of him that actually believes in the possibility of Will still being alive. To him, his son really is dead. I guess that in some people, that my serve as a catalyst for change. I'd like to think that if something were to happen to me, my dad would realize that he wasn't a good dad and that he'd change the way he's treating his one remaining son. I'd like to think that'd happen if something were to happen to me. But my dad and Lonnie are not the same kind. My dad is just stupid, while Lonnie is a selfish, cheating bastard. He can act like an angel as much as he wants to but that doesn't mean that Joyce should erase all the previous memories she has of him.

"You're probably right," she sighs. "But right now, he's all I've got."

"Not true," I disagree at once. "You have Jonathan. And me. That's better than Lonnie, isn't it?"

"It is."

"Mom?" we both jump up at the sound of Jonathan's voice. "Can I steal Tina for a moment?" he asks.

"Of course." Joyce nods her head with a forced smile.

This is a very smart move from Jonathan. Asking me to talk in front of his mother, he knew I couldn't refuse. If he tried to talk to me in private, if he had tried to drag me away from here, I would not have gone with him and I think that he knows that. No, he played his cards just fine. With Joyce watching us, I can't even mumble in protest as he takes my hand and leads me out of the room.

"Jonathan, whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait," I sigh. "I don't want to-"

Why does he always feel the need to shut me up with a kiss?

This is not even remotely appropriate. The little house we just left is full of people that think we have just laid Will to rest. To see his older brother kissing his girlfriend would not be a good think. Especially since the kiss is hardly a peck. He pulls me closer with a fierceness I am not used to.

I was not expecting this. I am caught off guard so much, I can't even catch my breath the moment he pulls away from me. If this was a different situation, I'm sure he would be laughing at my confused expression. Confused doesn't even cut it.

"I'm not doing anything without you," he tells me. His voice is low, as if it could be a very bad thing if someone could hear us. Yeah, like kissing me was much more normal than that. "That's not what we signed up for. I was… confused, I guess. I worry for Will and I want to find him as soon as possible and that kind of clouded my judgment, I guess. And this whole charade and Lonnie being here. I'm sorry. I am not trying to push you away. And on a different note, why the hell would you think that I would want to go monster hunting with Nancy Wheeler rather than with you?" he asks in confusion.

Okay, that might have been something else talking out of me. I would have called it irrational but I did find them all alone and I'm… I'm not a super secure person. I don't have an endless amount of self-esteem and at that moment, it looked like he trusted her more than he trusts me. That hurt. And that made me say things I did mean but that I know very well I should have kept to myself.

"Man, trust me, that's the least of your worries," I admit and I know I am too far gone when he smiles down at me. I hate that damned smile. "What's the plan now? Who's guns are you going to steal this time?" I ask. He might be forgiven but that won't save him from a few comments from my part.

"We stay here until the end," he tells me and I nod my head. "I drive you home. Get changed. Something thick and comfortable, we'll be moving around the woods. Take those guns, as many as you can. If you have anything else that could be used as a weapon, take it. I will pick you up and then we're going to get Nancy. And then we're going to hunt this son of a bitch down."

"Sounds like a plan to me."