MSL - Feel Embarased

A week passed and Mr. Christ did not give me any news. He didn't even send a message or call me, just billed my work that I sent late via email. I did it on purpose, hoping he would notice the delay and contact me. In fact not.

I discussed it with Zevanya this evening and our chat left me open minded about what Christopher Hudson might want from me.

"He probably wants something from you." That was Ze's comment as soon as I told her everything I went through at Mr. Christ's place. Of course not all in detail, including when I walked into his room and the embarrassing incident when he kissed me. I just told Ze an outline, how kind he was.

"But what? I don't even have anything he might want from me." I said desperately.

Zevanya was silent. "He gave you a laptop, he also gave you a mobile phone, and asked you to make a summary of such a thick book and give you an unreasonable wage in my opinion." Zevanya's eyes suddenly rounded. "He is very generous, wants to give you a lot of things you don't have, so he is looking for an excuse to be able to give you things and money. Maybe in his eyes you are the most concerning student." Zevanya gave her opinion.

And true, what Zevanya said is absolutely true. He just took pity on me giving me all the facilities I needed to do well in my studies. He gave me all that because he was really generous and I couldn't accept any of this. I thought I was really useful to him and was working for him with my skills. Maybe my email about the summary of the book was never even read at all.

"You are right." I answered. "He really only felt sorry for an orphan like me." I said I agreed with Ze's opinion.

The girl nodded, "At first, I was thinking maybe he wanted to have a relationship or some kind of date with his student, but I think if he really wanted that, he could choose a girl who is prettier and classier. At least not pathetic poor coeds like us." Ze said back and I nodded in agreement. Eventually our conversation led to an agreement that Mr. Christ was only putting mercy on his poor student, and there was nothing more than that. But for some reason every time I remember that gaze, I feel like she wants me like I'm the grown woman in front of her. But is that possible? Or is it all just my wild fantasy?

***

The next day I went back to work. This time I have to be more careful if I don't want to lose my job at uncle Bento's tavern. After all, the lecture at the beginning of smester did not quite grab my attention, everything went smoothly except for one thing, about the charming lecturer. He made me almost crazy thinking about it.

Fortunately, today everything went well, the customers were satisfied and all day uncle Bento smiled profusely. I also got a decent extra tip, at least enough to buy dinner for me and Ze. He was waiting for me when I just finished with my shift.

We walked towards the Dorm while enjoying the burgers we bought on the way.

"Thank you for treating me." Ze said.

I smiled, "Today I got a pretty decent tip." Answer.

"What are you going to do today?" Ze asked.

"I don't know." I shrugged." You are alone?" I asked.

Ze rolled his eyes, "Derex will pick me up, maybe we will hang out tonight. You want to come?" Ze asked.

I shook my head, hanging out to the club was not my taste. I didn't even hit loud music and alcohol at all, so I thought I'd do something else. Tapia pa? After thinking for a moment, it suddenly crossed my mind to return to mr. Christ and returned all his unreasonable gifts. "I will come to his house and return all his things." I said suddenly.

Ze seemed to almost choke on the burger in his mouth, "Are you sure?" he asked in disbelief.

I sighed deeply. "I don't know, I just can't accept all this as a form of mercy." I answered. "I do need all those facilities, but I can't accept something I shouldn't deserve." I tried to explain what I was thinking, but I think Ze understood me enough.

Ze nodded, just as at the last turn of the block towards our dorm, "OK, do what you believe Bell. Only you know what really happened."

"Yes." I agree, because there is a part that I hide from it. The part where I enjoyed Mr. Christ's kiss, as his body squeezed me, when his soft, warm lips crushed my lips.

"Bell . . ." Ze surprised me, because I somehow felt that I was enjoying the real touch of warm soft lips accompanied by the scent of the man's fresh breath.

"I think I'll borrow your bike." I said distracting as soon as we got to dorm.

"Hurry back." Ze replied.

"Sure." I said as I put the last piece of burger in my mouth before walking towards the bike park, where I had to find Zed's bike soon disappeared before my mind became more chaotic.

I borrowed Ze's bicycle to go to the big house. With nervous and mixed feelings, part of me questioned whether my decision was right or would it cause me problems?

Should I pretend not to realize everything and still have all the facilities he needs regardless of ego and my pride?

After all, why if there is a rich man who puts mercy on me, I am indeed a pitiful creature with a life that is no less miserable and needs to be pitied.

OH.... My brain fights with myself. I pulled the handbrake and stopped the bike until it caused a pretty loud squeak. I sat on the bike with both my legs propped up the bike. I saw the rangsel I put in the front basket, the hinges contained laptops, mobile phones and inside there was a virtual account that contained quite a lot of money for me. I even had to spend weeks working part-time to earn that money overnight.

***

The man was only at home on the weekend, and I'm sure today he was home. After all, my determination is unanimous, I must restore all these facilities he provided and return to my normal life. I can still borrow Ze's laptop if I need to do the task.

"Welcome young Lady." Say hello to a servant in the house.

"Em . . . sorry, is Mr. Hudson at home?" I asked hurriedly.

"Yes he is reading in his study." He said kindly. "Come in, since returning home he is like looking for you." It is said.

I blushed a little embarrassed at the sentence, "Did he ask me?" I asked curiously.

The waiter shook his head, "I accidentally heard him muttering, the young girl seems to be leaving." It is said. "I think he said about you." He explained.

"Oh." I nodded, my smile hanging imperfectly "Can I see him?" I asked and the waiter considered something.

"He advised if you come asked directly to the library." The waiter said.

I swallowed hard, solah already felt a great rejection before I said what I really wanted to say. "Yes I know, but I really want to see him, em I mean this is important, about the work he gave me." I'm trying to find an excuse.

"He is in his room. I'll ask you, in the meantime wait here." The waiter said. Yes sure enough, between the man's room and his study there must be some kind of connecting door, for how can a man be as busy as himself sleeping without a job in his arms, I thought.

"Ok." I nodded resignedly.

The waiter walked towards another room. He disappeared behind the big door of a room after knocking on his door. All I can do here is convince myself again that I should how? Is this the thing I really want or not?

I anxiously waited for the maid to come back, and right, it didn't take long, she came back and went straight to see me.

"You are asked to come to his room." The servant said.

"Given." I answered with a smile, although to be honest I feel very nervous at this time, but the exclamation in my head greet is getting louder and louder, prompting my ego to do what I planned from the dorm.

I tentatively got up from where I was sitting and walked down the hallway to find his study. Sure enough, I passed the door before the study, so I turned around and stood at the door for a while.

I sighed deeply before finally daring to knock on his bedroom door, but there was no answer even as I repeated for the third. I looked right to the left, there was no one I could ask.

"Ok, I think my hearing is still not a problem. The waiter told me that he wanted to see me." I pulled the door handle and opened the big door. It looks like a room with shades of black and gray, contrasting with the blankets and white bedcover attached.

I closed my eyes at a glance, "Knock on the door, look him in the eye and say what you want to say and then leave." I said reassured myself before knocking on the door of the man's room.

Tok tok

"Come in." I heard his voice from inside the room. I pulled slowly the door of the room and went inside, but I didn't see him in any corner.

"I thought you wouldn't come back young lady." He said from behind me with a file in his hand and it made me jump up and immediately turned around, of course with the nervous face I was trying to hide, I smiled giving him a greeting, "Good afternoon Mr. Hudson." I said clumsily.

"There is a problem?" He asked.

"No problem at all, sir." I shuddered. The only problem was that he stood in front of me with only a towel wrapped around his waist. Complete with wet hair and threads of water that has not been completely wiped from his white skin.

"Sit down, I'll go back." He said as he walked towards a door and disappeared behind the door.

I linked my eyebrows, this guy is really a different man than the one I met on campus a week ago. I sat on the sofa in the corner of the room waiting for him to appear. After ten minutes, he came again with two glasses of drink in his hand, and thrust me a glass. I think it's some kind of wine.

"Is there a problem with your work?" He approached me and immediately sat down with one leg crossed over one leg to the other, making his knees stacked.

"No." Shake me.

"Then?" His eyebrows were linked, but his gaze was locked on me. Unfortunately every time his gaze locked on me, my mouth was also suddenly locked so that not a single sentence could come out of my mouth.

"A . . . I want to give it all back." I said stammering as I took out my laptop, cell phone and passbook in my name where all isis was money from this man. At first I tried to convince myself to dare to look him in the eye, showing how serious I was about what I was doing, but then I saw his eyebrows linked deeper and deeper.

"Give me the reason." I saw that he was not surprised, he was even very relaxed in the face of me who was nervous to death. I closed my eyes at a glance, I took a deep breath to gather oxygen and courage before I finally revealed my reason.

"Because I didn't find a reason why you hired me." I answered undirected.

"Excuseme?" He tilted his face, trying to digest my sentence. While I myself said it was also not sure what I said, let alone he who heard it.

"You gave all this to me because you feel sorry for me, right?" I asked.

"You think so?" He reversed the situation with a new question.

"You thought I was the saddest student in the camp so you brought me here to give me a job you didn't really need to give me a salary so I could stay alive. You also lent me these laptops and mobile phones because you know I'm too poor to be able to buy them with my own money, right?" I babbled indeterminately, but I was relieved that all the hurting of my head like this I could just let go of.

"You feel that way?" He again did not answer my question, instead flipped the question to me.

"Yes." The only thing I can do is admit it.

"It's a pity that I have to say that what you think is not true at all." He folded his hands, then looked at me deeply. "I will use your summary results as teaching materials that I will share with all students after I review them." He got up to his feet and walked towards the small drawer on the side of his bed.

"I'm checking it, and I plan to finish it tonight, tomorrow morning I will share it with all of you via email." He said while showing me the print out of my work that I emailed him last week.

"When it comes to laptops, it's just one of the ways I make things easier. Because if you sum it up with paper, I'll have a hard time sending your handwritten results to all the students, so the file form will be easier. And when it comes to cell phones, I really need it as a means of communication, not a tool to channel my compassion to my female students." He said with a succinct smile. Oh, he completely broke all my dirty thoughts and now I realize how short-sighted this thought is.

"Is there anything else you want to say?" He asked and I bowed in shame.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have said all the stupid things just now." My regrets.

"I can understand it." He said with a smile that I could see from behind my eyelashes.

"I'll go back to the library." I have to run away immediately, that's what I'm thinking right now.

"Ok, take your time." Answer.

I walked quickly, walked out of the room and returned to the library with shame hanging around my neck, feeling so heavy that I didn't dare to lift my face, let alone look at him.

The matter of the kiss must be just because she was lonely when it was late at night, after all, she couldn't really look at me as a woman. I don't deserve to imagine that he wants me, he's just on a whim, maybe that's what I have to plant deeply in the contents of this broken head of mine.

Oh my God.