15

{ === + === }

I'm haaanging by the shin…just haaaanging by the shin…

What a glorious view it is from up here…

…I don't know any other lines from the song. I am sad. Also I'm appreciating how much stuff I learned through cultural osmosis instead of legitimately doing research.

So as you can imagine, our meeting with the Death Eaters ended with us dangling upside down in the sky. Our Van blaring obvious muggle music may have contributed to this event.

Speaking of which, why no violent counterattack?

Hooliganry aside, this is still a worldwide sports event, and "Mass shooting at Quidditch World Finals" seems like a poor way to start the new school year.

…So we're now spinning in the air. It's…actually a very good trial run of the straps holding my shit in the bags where they belong. Nothing has fallen out despite us rotating progressively faster in midair.

Also I'm very glad we're doing this after dinner. Like, way after dinner.

…

Let's see…

There's the gaggle of drunken fathers acting like children, with lit wands…I'm amazed they're able to stand up straight.

Drunk and rowdy isn't the same as being utterly shitfaced.

True, I suppose.

…So the other two NPCs are…lit up by the wands on the ground, and floating some distance away from me. Apart from disobeying the laws of physics they seem to be otherwise fine.

…

We let the Death Eaters cart us around for a bit longer.

…It's about time, no?

Cast on self, and…

…

[3rd Person Camera]

The Death Eaters on the ground, still reveling in the momentary chaos of sports-related hooliganry, were suddenly stunned by a booming FUS, RO DAH! Smacking into them from the sky.

The force of the sound wave momentarily stunned the Death Eaters and all noncombatants in the area stopped their panicking to curiously search for the source of the noise.

Their curiosity was then rewarded by the Aurors apparating around the Hooligans, and of course like all good riots a gunfight started (of the magical variety).

…

[1st Person Camera]

…

Ooh, nifty.

Everything's all bright and shit on the ground.

And that is our ENTIRE contribution to this event.

Yep.

So anyways, the Aurors send the hooligans away. Also, I'm pretty sure the Aurors are the most useless police force around, as they had both the element of surprise and the first shot and still managed to land zero hits.

Difference: the Dark Mark made the Death Eaters leave in the normal timeline.

Meh.

With the Death Eaters gone, we're no longer floating, so the three of us (me + the two muggles) get rescued.

The Weasleys fuss over me, Sirius fusses over me, everything's cool, we're cool…and BAM the Dark Mark.

Everybody but Harry and Myself are rattled…and then BOOM Aurors around us.

Key difference: Harry, through years of training, has his wand with him. Winky is not implicated because the chain of events caused by Harry losing his wand didn't happen.

We get interrogated on who creates the Dark Mark, Harry has no idea. The head of the…Barty?

His name is actually Barty, right?

I don't remember.

Either way, he questions everyone to ensure that none of us created the Dark Mark (and checks all of our wands for good measure). Noticeably he doesn't go for mine (not that I offered).

I don't know if that's him being courteous, given how I had been previously airborne, or if he's assuming we're a…I guess we would be a squib or something? I'm actually not sure what a 'muggle being comforted by mages' qualify as.

We get cleared of all suspicions and are thus free to go.

…So obviously the safe thing to do is to spend the night IN the site of terror and wait until morning for the portkeys to be ready, as opposed to doing the sensible thing of running the fuck away.

People are weird.

…

Oh well.

At the end of all of that, we're back at the Burrow. Mrs. Weasley came with the group this time (instead of staying behind) so she got to fuss over her kids the entire way home instead of sit and be scared for the night…I'm not sure which is better, to be honest.

We do find the Daily Prophet on the table containing a…my god she's biased…an article about the attack in question. Rita Skeeter is so good at spin everyone can tell it's spinning.

Um?

I mean, if this article was halfway factual then the World Quidditch Championship was assaulted by all the death eaters ever and the ministry set itself on fire trying to stop it. Because of that there was tremendous loss of life and the Wizarding Community is Doomed.

…It could be that I've been badly poisoned by the amount of media I was exposed to on a daily basis, but I'm having a supremely hard time taking it seriously.

But I'm not supposed to know this, so… "Who's this Skeeter person?" I ask.

"Oh, she writes rubbish." The Twins reply immediately. "It's all junk." Fred adds.

"So she's a...what, tabloid writer?" I must admit I've never thought about this. "Does she not do any fact-checking?"

…Going by the blank looks going my way, fact checking doesn't seem to be a constant in Wizard society.

Huh. "So basically she gets to write whatever she wants and it would be considered quality journalism?"

"Looks like that's the case." Hermione reads the article with her brows furrowing so hard they're merging with her eyes. "No funny ideas." She warns me.

Which is good, because my "I've got an idea" grin is coming onto my face.

As much of a nut Skeeter is, having someone not beholden at all to truthful reporting could be useful if used properly.

Can you really use Rita though?

Hmm…I feel like I'm underestimating her if I were to just plainly say 'yes', but I do believe I can get her to look at things my way.

The Weasleys are a bit worried about your mental health now.

I'm perfectly fine, whatever could they be worried about?

It might have to do with the American Van parked out in their yard.

Oh yeah. They have a point there.

…

…

Moving right along…the rest of the stay was uneventful.

Sirius and Harry are establishing a really good rapport, so that's very good for all involved.

Harry's scar is hurting, but I don't know if it's because of the Ghost Riddle or the body of the old one, or if they merged somehow. This point worries me the most.

Ron has some nifty dress robes.

Which reminds me, I need dress robes.

"Nothing stupid." Hermione had warned me. "You of all people need to look presentable."

I…don't blame her? So I went back to the states and got a swallowtail suit fitted. I look good in a fitted suit, I think…might be because I'm not as skinny as I was when I was "properly" fifteen years old.

No craziness here?

I like having investments that pay off long-term. Spending a lot of time on a single outfit I will likely never wear again seems like it goes against that idea.

…

The Hogwarts Train ride wasn't much to talk about either.

Malfoy jabbed Ron about not knowing who 'Mad-Eye' Moody was, but Ron just shrugs and goes "cool man" and ignores him.

Malfoy has the tendency to want to look more important than he can actually manage, so Ron basically picked a fight. Fortunately, Malfoy noted that we were in the carriage and then walked away with a smirk.

"What was he smirking about?" Ron had grumbled.

I think it had something to do with Lucius telling him I got toyed around with? I dunno.

You'd think being made a fool of would have been a bigger issue.

No kidding.

…

We're just blazing through the leadup events, huh?

Moving right along…

We attend the sorting ceremony, more people are sorted through the houses, clap clap clap…

Hermy discovers that House Elves work in the Kitchens…

I will admit I've been focused on my own work for most of last year, so whatever happened with SPEW was beyond me. That said, Hermy's now throwing a sulky fit.

So now it's time to make a speech!

Note that we're eating and thus have a fried chicken leg in our hand. It is not convincing.

"Hermy, I don't know if you realize it yet, but House Elves are literally not humans." I start (badly). "It's a big leap to assume that they want the same things as we do."

She opens her mouth to protest.

"Dobby's a special case." I cut her off. "Exceptions do not prove the rule. If you want to campaign for House Elf rights, that's fine, but you need to talk to the elves first…and no claiming that they don't know what's best for themselves."

"But—"

Racial ethics and laws really isn't my thing. "Ethic laws are a big and messy pile, but on the ground level you need to talk to the people you're trying to help before helping them, otherwise it's just self-flattery, ok?"

Hermione just rolls her eyes at us and goes back to sulking.

…Y'know, I really should've paid more attention to my status (read: psychopathic loose cannon) before trying to give a speech like this. As it stands, I'm not sure if Hermy was convinced any, if at all.

So let's go to plan B, which is to pester Hermione until she gives in and eat.

It was, after ten minutes, successful.

"You sound like my dad." She had said at the very end.

With that out of the way, Dumbledore announces the big one this year: the Tri-Wizard tournament. Per the proper storyline, there's an age requirement for submitting an entry.

I'm mentally at my thirties now, if my head ages at the same rate as my body, so that should work out just fine for us. That being said, I'm gonna see if it's possible to just attach the paper with our name on it onto a stick and kind of drop it into the fire somehow.

Alternatively, I can write like 500 slips of paper and use a fan or something.

Muggle solutions…

Are the best solutions.

Now, before we turn in for day One, I went and checked on my base. It remains untampered.

I also bought a bag of cookies for Myrtle, but since I'm not sure what counts as an offering for ghosts Myrtle just cried and ran away. She was ok though.

Note to self: ask about what we can do to give ghosts stuff, because Myrtle's cool, mental instability due to untimely death aside, so I feel bad for being unable to do anything for her.

…

Oh, right. Moody's a teacher, no surprises there.

…

[Next Day]

…

I woke up late (my schedule's the same as the Trio's with Muggle Studies replacing Divination).

Herbology: Cool. I'm gonna need Neville's help for this because biology type studies have always been my weak point and it's starting to show.

On the first day of class?

I didn't say I needed his help immediately.

Care of Magical Creatures: Explosive Scorpions. They're a little difficult to care for, but oddly enough their temperament is surprisingly laid back after they've been fed. I named mine Bellows.

Muggle Studies: Cars. I talked about Electric Cars as a possibility in the future and got a stony, "what is he talking about?" silence.

Dinnertime though…

Malfoy comes after Ron again and the parental insults fly left and right. Harry gets involved and insults Malfoy's mother.

Malfoy…for all of his idiocy Malfoy's a kid who holds his parents in real high esteem, gets angry at Harry. Harry, no idiot after three years of combat training, doesn't turn and walk away until Malfoy does so first. I'm responsible for the occasional charm shot at his back.

And Malfoy…for all of his idiocy is sometimes really (and I mean really) stupid, whirls around and tries to hex Harry in the back.

Harry's reflexes are top notch and Malfoy's head is now green.

Of course, this doesn't solve the fundamental problem (in that there is a lot of tension in the air and students from both houses are in attendance) so Harry's counterattack escalates this into a full blown fight. I chose not to get involved.

Moody (and then McGonagall) eventually came onto the scene, but by then Harry and Ron's combat experience had already turned what was a brawl into a Slytherin-ass-kicking. I like to think Ron got a lot more respect this day, as his movements were way more fluid than Harry's.

End result: Slytherin and Gryffindor houses lost 50 points per student, putting both houses at…what, negative 500 at the end of the first day of class. Moody privately rewarded Harry and Ron for excellent spellwork (5 points apiece)…and a bagging reward (1 point per kill).

I kind of have to wonder though, is this Barty Crouch Junior acting as Moody? The books said it was, right? So is his actions what Moody would have done right now or is he putting his own spin on how he thinks a person named 'mad-eye' should act?

Hmm.

"I'm surprised you didn't get involved." Hermione (who also didn't get involved) remarks.

"I'm old enough to pick my fights carefully." I reply with a grin.

"So helping Harry wasn't in the cards, then?" George (who DID get involved) asks.

"Harry's a big boy. He can handle himself." I reply proudly. I think Harry's spellwork got a boost after he and Sirius started interacting properly.

Meanwhile, Ron's got a gaggle of first-years around him and he's describing the battle in lurid-detail.

On the plus side: Malfoy doesn't have to spend time as a Ferret.

On the minus…he and his buddies are now in the hospital wing to get un-hexed.

I feel bad for Draco. He's gonna be the designated punching bag if this keeps up.

…

Anyways, in summary. Note that the below events covers a period of time between now and October 30th.

[Defense Against the Dark Arts]

…

Moody presents: The Unforgivable Curses!

Funny how all three spells are nerve based, actually.

Imperio – Assume total Control.

Crucio – Definitely Not A Good Time.

Avada – Instant Fuck You.

Our very fast descriptions of the spells.

So his class was very much like it was in the books, with Moody doing the show-and-tell on spiders (with Neville being unsettled by the Crucio curse) and then switching to testing us for resilience against the Imperius curse.

…This is the part where I show off my immense awesomeness by being so fucking unhinged the Imperius curse doesn't work at all.

I recognize this pattern.

Yep. The Imperius curse is, in effect, heavily powerful suggestion-based manipulation. I could do something like "I'm not listening to you, I'm going to do X instead!" in my head, but in actuality the X would be replaced by whatever the person casting the spell is attempting to insert into my head.

As a result, I started out being more susceptible to the Imperius Curse than most. Sadly, the Imperius Curse has a backfire: it causes a weird floaty sensation in the target. This is, like most backfires, inversely proportional to the skill of the caster (better skill = less sensation) but since my magical reserves are smaller than most I can pick up on the sensation with more accuracy than most.

Imperio is also (as I found out by accident) weak to counterattacks. The spell melds two minds together (kinda, sorta) and thus it's possible to send a jolt through the victim and back into the caster…but the problem is the amount of power required to deal damage to the caster is huge, so it's not a good idea to try. Not that it stopped us from trying, mind you.

At the end of all of this, we devised a counterspell against the Imperius Curse, and have taught it to Harry (who was the only one willing to help us practice). Basically, it changes the electrical energy flowing in our nerves for around a fraction of a second, temporarily disrupting the caster's control. This momentary loss in control means that (usually) the caster gets confused and automatically latches onto the first 'thought' they get afterwards, which is controlled by the victim. From this point it's just the victim feeding the caster false positives with the caster believing that whatever the victim is doing is what the caster wanted them to do.

This counterspell has its own problems, but for around five seconds after casting it the victim gets to play their own cards, so every little bit helps.

…

[SPEW]

…

I was wrong. SPEW did not exist until this year. Hermione's fascination with house elves did not start until this year. For some reason I believed that it was an integral part of her persona…just goes to show how memorable it is?

Or else how sparse Hermione's traitlist was?

I was also very fortunate in that I did not refer to SPEW by name until Hermione created the title. That would've caused so many problems.

Anyways, Hermy creates SPEW, we (I) convince her to talk to the House Elves even if she thinks they've been brainwashed.

I don't think her stance changed any? She still believes in House Elf rights regardless of what the elves themselves want.

It's one of those…like, yes, a race of magically subservient beings who are subservient by nature is inherently problematic in many ways, but at the same time is our version of freedom and justice actual freedom, blah blah blah, house elves are immune to people magic, yadda yadda…is there only one definition for civilization, so on, so forth…

Everybody stopped listening after the first few words.

…Perfidious Albion, so on, so forth…

…

[Sirius Black]

…

Obviously Harry and Sirius are in touch by owl, as Sirius is living in our AmeriVan somewhere close to the school grounds. They've developed a brotherly rapport of some kind, it feels like.

It's…good? I neither know nor care about what's in their letters, and Sirius will alert me if something really big pops up.

…

[Spell Work]

…

So.

Among other things, Transfiguration and Charms both covered spells involved with moving objects for various reasons.

Charms taught the summoning charm. Given that the entire student body of the Gryffindor House knows that spell by heart…fair to say Flitwick was more than overjoyed.

Transfiguration taught the switching charm, which…is easily my new pet toy.

In fact: on the first day where the spell was taught, McGonagall made a practical demonstration where she switched the positions of an apple and a teacup around three meters from each other. She then had a slightly defeated sigh when she saw the idiot grin spreading over our face.

And so we got around to experimenting with it.

SO.

First limitation: the two objects being switched need to be comparable in mass…the cutoff seems to be around 20%, but it's more forgiving when I spend more magic trying. I assume someone as skilled as McGonagall would have a way higher transfer cap.

Second limitation: the applicable distance is around ten meters. Again, more when using more power.

Third limitation: the caster must be aware of both objects in the world space or else have both objects in line of sight. McGonagall had her back to her table when doing her demo, so I assume it's also flexible dependent on skill.

Fourth limitation, though this is related to the third: duplicate objects within the casting area will cause the spell to act oddly. (One apple with two identical teacups will cause the apple to switch with a random teacup). The caveat here is that, if the object is not within line of sight, then the two targets of the spell is entirely dependent on the memory of the caster and the mental image they can draw. Shitty mental image equals real bad shit happening.

Fifth limitation: the two objects need to physically exist (duh).

…

And thus our experimentation began. Unfortunately the most unfair thing we could do –switch out a person's heart with, say, a stick of dynamite—was not possible, because I had no idea what a specific person's heart looked like and thus could very easily switch out my own heart, which would be inconvenient.

I do keep random sticks I picked up now, so it's theoretically possible to switch out the target's wand with a stick if they're not paying attention. If they're paying attention then it's near impossible.

One thing I discovered later is that the switching spell preserves the momentum of the switched objects even after the object changes…which is a little weird to get used to, I have to admit.

So if we had the apple roll across the table and then switch it with a teacup, then the teacup would continue to roll but according to its own physical characteristics.

It's weird, because if I were to switch two objects of wildly different aerodynamic properties—I tried with a ball of paper and a sheet of paper—then the sheet paper inherits the speed of the ball paper and suddenly accelerates really fast before physics kicks its teeth in again.

…

So, as a result, I've been experimenting with using the Switching charm along with a 'strike' charm, and a fistful of pebbles.

I transfigure the pebbles into something recognizable and unique to the landscape (say, marbles), charm the marbles to annoy (and most importantly FACE) the target, cast the strike charm with a one second delay on a handful of bullets, and then switch the marbles with the bullets.

It's closer to a Gundam Bit attack than using the crystals from before, but…the entire attack consists of four steps, some of which are very easily countered. Not exactly what I'd call efficient.

The second experiment is…more generically useful? I can switch the air in my lungs with the air outside with a little bit of practice. Useful underwater HINT HINT except this requires a recast once per twenty seconds or so and is thus useless when swimming. I made do with carrying around a bag and switching the air in the bag for the air outside. It would be perpetual if, y'know, I didn't have to put in the effort.

Also not useful for diving since we need to be close enough to the water surface to get the air.

…

This took a long time, and I didn't get a breakthrough until I got a little meta with the spell.

In other words: it was an accident.

You know what can be switched? Two objects. You know what else can be switched? Two energies.

I can 'switch' the energy between two objects instead of switching the two objects themselves. This is…difficult and in most situations useless, because without extenuating circumstances trying to catch a fucking apple moving at 88 miles per hour to transfer its energy onto a teacup is difficult.

Also, I can't observe energy with my eyes. Sure, if the apple's moving I go "yeah that apple has energy" but it's functionally different from being able to tangibly interact with the energy itself. Ergo, trying to use the switching spell this way has a 95% fail rate.

To clarify: let's say if we have a candle. When the candle is burning, the fire represents energy. The candle itself also represents energy, but we can't harness that due to lack of experience. We can transfer the energy the fire represents into a different object…but if our targeting messes up even a little bit we would Switch a small piece of the wick instead, or a small piece of wax, or the entire candle…but most commonly we would just Switch the fire with the target, in this case a piece of paper. So…yeah. 95% fail rate.

But in the 5% of successes…Hoo boy.

For the record, McGonagall kicked us out of the Transfiguration class for trying this.

So as we all know by now I have a boner for my prismatic beam spell, and carry around four car batteries to help juice it further in case I need to eradicate someone from the face of the earth.

Car batteries hold electricity. Electricity is a form of energy.

And of course, because we're super, duper sane and not at all prone to experimenting with dangerous activity, we sapped an entire car battery's worth of energy and Switched it onto a teacup.

The teacup achieved escape velocity and is on its way out of the solar system, assuming if it didn't burn up on atmospheric exit.

By the way, McGonagall's reason for kicking us out was that we had no way of controlling the path of the teacup and thus it would have outright killed many students with its flight path. I do not blame her in the slightest because that was the exact thought I had…after I, y'know, launched the teacup.

In related news, we now have bullshit mass drivers. Woo!

After experimentation we determined that the energy applied onto an object is always directly facing away from the caster.

We really should have done that first. Either way, McGonagall has barred us from taking Transfiguration for the rest of the year (if not for the rest of our student life) as a penalty for our unsafe scientific practices.

I would be more upset if she wasn't, y'know, giving me material out of class so I can practice on my own. It did give Malfoy a laugh to know I was the first student to be barred from a class in twenty years though.

He then found a snake in his pocket.

We have no idea how it got there. Nor did we have prior knowledge that it was a rubber snake due to the conjurer not having the skill or power to make a real one. Nope.

Nor did we take vindictive pleasure in seeing Malfoy squeal and dance, because obviously that would be below us.

…

[October 30th]

…

Beaubatons and Durmstrang show up today!

Beauxbatons.

Classes are cut short for today so we can spend half a day cleaning up to receive our visitors…but that sounds like the staff haven't been making small adjustments to the castle in the weeks prior, which they have.

Fred and George are caught (by Harry) talking about sending a letter to somebody. Harry was nice enough to warn me and the Twins thought highly enough of me to consult for a second opinion.

It feels nice, to be honest.

Though the twins felt anything but when my advice was "You guys don't have a legally binding document, plus the gold was faked in the first place. Drop it."

"He owes us." Fred insisted.

I agree. But. "Yes…and so far as I can see the Wizarding World has a horrific law enforcement policy. Can an owl find him no matter what?"

They don't know.

Answer: If he's on the run, no.

"Bummer." To be honest I really don't care about their monetary policies since I'm rich in the economy that matters, but to do nothing for the twins would be shitty decision making. "Here, send this one."

I had penned a letter when Harry told me about the Twins contacting a mysterious stranger. Since I have the miraculous power of Cheating, I knew exactly who they were talking about even if Harry didn't.

The letter's contents were pretty normal.

What did you say?

I'm a Prince of a Faraway Land who had just come across a large sum of gold and have heard about Bagman's business acumen and adroit political strength. If he were to meet me at a designated location included in the document I would transfer this gold to him at no cost.

That sounds vaguely suspicious.

I don't think the internet has picked up enough for this to be common, so hey. If he doesn't fall for it, then no harm done. If he does, we'll hex him to high heaven and drag him in for tax evasion or some shit.

Also, note to self: find out the rules of investing real money into a wizarding business opportunity.

…

With that out of the way, we attend the visiting ceremony of the Beauxbaton and Durmstrang parties. Like the books, there were students of both genders present. Fleur [Insert Correct Last Name Spelling Here] and Viktor Krum attracted the most attention, one because she was blessed (or cursed) with awesome, and the other because he was awesome.

So what was our response upon seeing a Veela?

Uuuh…

Krum was a dude that just screamed Russian or Slavic or whatever. If he had showed up with a bottle of vodka it would not have been surprising for me in the least. Initial impression aside, it looks like he's a good kid with good friends.

Based on his interactions with the folks around him. And Fleur?

…I feel very dirty after looking at Fleur.

The uncontrollable pornographic fantasies didn't help matters.

I assume this is a standard response for seeing a Veela? Well, in the sense that Harry and Ron were merely smitten with puppy love while I, with my extensive history of viewing Seriously Weird Hentai Bullshit, had a comparatively less innocent response.

I hope this dies down after spending some time around her, otherwise thank god for loose robes.

They get seated, and the ceremony gets underway. We promptly tune out the entire thing in favor of progressively more "stupid porn" imagined scenarios in our head featuring Fleur and Krum.

"…By tomorrow evening, two champions will be selected from the…"

…

Wait.

Wait wait.

Hold the fuck up.

Two?

If we had been listening, Dumbledore said that the Triwizard Cup's format will be different this time around. Apart from the safety regulations they instated, the theme of this cup is "teamwork". The age line is still 17, and of course this completely sets Fred and George off because they're the best team and don't get to compete in a tournament about teamwork.

Huh.

Interesting.

…

[Goblet of Fire]

…

Well, strangeness aside we have 24 hours to put in our names, more or less. The Goblet still only takes single entries and picks out the two most suitable candidates from each school…I wonder what that means for Harry though?

Let's focus on the task at hand. Whoever Harry gets paired up with is of no value to us until we know who it is.

Lessee…the goblet is circled by the ring of age detection. I can probably cross it ok, but that would raise more questions than answers.

So, Plan B!

…

"What are you doing?" Gryffindor NPC asks.

Seamus Dean asks.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I reply, busy with my handiwork.

He then brings up a good point. "I don't know what you're doing. Nobody knows what you're doing."

There are about fifty other students in attendance and all of them are looking at me plus the long stick and stretch of rope I have.

"I'm fishing." I reply, and attach my name onto the hook at the end of the rope. "And…cast!"

Fail. I missed.

The hook flies clear over the Goblet.

The rope isn't even burned, which is nice.

Note: though we're calling it rope, it's closer to thread.

I cast a few more times, but no dice.

Hmm.

Here Fred and George make their appearance, so we reel in our line and patiently wait for them to screw themselves.

Aaaand done.

Fred and George, after celebrating their ability to clear the line instead of tossing their paper into the fire like any smart person would, get shot out of the ring with bears.

BEARDS. They got shot out with BEARDS.

My bad.

…Though I would've liked to see a ring that summoned attack bears whenever it was breached. Worth looking into.

Anyway, my plan A failed, so let's try plan B.

"Be a dear and help me out?" I say to the nearest third year (Ravenclaw) and hold a long stick out to her. She takes it with confusion. "Set it parallel to the ground and levitate into the air if you will."

She does, still confused.

I take Plan B section A, an empty ball attached to a string, and toss it over the stick. It's now hanging above the Goblet.

Note that at this point Flitwick has arrived to stop any weird shenanigans from occurring and has decided to watch for his own amusement.

I then ready Plan B section B, a bowl loaded with slips of paper with my name on it, and Switch the two sections.

Since the bowl maintains the 'connected' status like the ball but the connection point is definitely nowhere near the center of mass, the bowl tips and rains the papers down on the Goblet.

…Strangely, more than a few make it in.

Strange?

Yeah, because to be honest I did not expect this plan to work.

But hey, it did, so now all the kids put their papers into my bowl after I Switched it back and I get oh hello Flitwick I didn't see you there

"This is quite ingenious." Flitwick chuckles. "But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop."

I salute diligently. "Yes Sir." and leave the setup alone.

Because the instant Flitwick turns his head somebody else Switch the two objects in my place.

About three more loads of papers (300 names or so) get dumped into the fire before the entire thing gets shut down by McGonagall. If I had to guess, out of the 300 names maybe 50 of them actually went into the flame.

Also, couldn't they just program the flames to, y'know, not take names of people below seventeen?

The Goblet is implied to be an equal opportunity chooser.

I guess.

…

[Day of Selection]

…

By now everybody has heard of the dumping method (including the teachers) so we got a bit of flak for showing preferences. More specifically, all the students who were not in attendance and heard of the method after the fact blamed us (me) for not having alerted them beforehand, thus depriving them of the opportunity.

Which is rich as all hell because I'm damn sure at least five other parties did the exact same trick at various times in the night between then and now.

Also (because we're at that age group, I guess) I'm now rumored to be dating that Ravenclaw NPC. I do not remember what she looked like.

Shipping is Serious Business.

Apparently.

All said, we're now at the ceremony with the other two schools being a little put off by what I chose to do.

For Beaubatons: Fleur and French NPC A!

Spell it right for god's sake.

For Durmstrang: Krum and German NPC B!

Durmstrang is not in Germany.

For Hogwarts: Cedric and Me!

"Your security system is bad and you should feel bad!" I yell as loudly as I can when my name gets called.

Dumbledore seems bemused…and none of the other teachers were surprised in the slightest. I may have taken my zero-fucks-given routine too far. Also, is Crouch Jr responsible for this, too? Better question, why?

Of course, the other two headmasters are livid and the rest of the student body is pissed as all hell, but there are murmurs here and there of "of course it'd pick the crazy one".

…

So me and Cedric make our way backstage. Cedric and I…but that sounds odd when spoken.

"You don't look old enough to participate." Fleur remarks upon seeing me.

"I cheated and got in." I grin. "Yo."

"The American." Krum huffs. "I remember your van at the world cup."

Awesome. My grin gets bigger. "I saw you play and I have no idea how you're so good at it."

He waves it off.

Well, now that I'm here, let's see…

Krum's teammate is Putin. He's obviously not Putin, but holy shit does he look like Putin. So Germany and Russia are allied again, huh?

Krum's not German for fuck's sake.

Full disclosure: I called him German just to make this joke. Apologies.

Fleur's teammate is…a guy, and I don't have a face to match him with. Sad.

…Out of curiosity…

We ask the other two about their nationalities.

Putin is Russian, and Fleur's teammate is Spanish.

To be honest that's actually kind of cool how the other two schools have a greater population of non-indigenous folk.

You say after seeing exactly one data point.

...

Shortly after we enter (say, thirty seconds) the last pair of unwilling champions enter.

…

Hoo boy.

"I can see this going so wrong, so fast." I laugh. "It's gonna be great."

"Shut it, Ash." Harry grumbles.

"Why am I even here?!" Hermione exclaims.

.

.

.

{ === + === }