Ria Ignis The Love Detective, Part 1

Leave it up to Ria to come up with the most batshit crazy of ideas. Haven't even known her for long but I just know without a doubt that she was essentially the brawns to Irene's brains.

Had Irene actually been present in this here meeting of the minds, perhaps there might have also been some grounds for a little rationality 'cause as it was now, there was nothing rational about this plan of hers.

Perhaps in her eyes, it was all rational, in which case, good game everyone. I am die. Thank you forever.

"Then you kiss her." Ria finished with a simper.

"I kiss her?"

"You kiss her."

I was sorely tempted to slam the table with my forehead right then. Luckily I got two things stopping me from doing so. One was the fact that I didn't wanna wake Adalia. Grumpy Vampires are not good. Number two - I was worried I might actually karate-chop the table in half with my skull, that's how strong the impulse was.

"I get the feeling you disagree?" Ria said, her head tilted and her eyes squinted.

"Oh, you think?"

"Passive aggressiveness is very unbecoming."

"No, setting the two of us up on a date alone together at a zoo, restaurant, and then an evening carnival session is very unbecoming. What are even these cliches? Did you get all your ideas from a shitty soap opera?"

"Hey, how dare you!" Ria stood up, outraged. "Adios Mi Amor is one of the greatest romance stories ever to put on screen!"

"Oh my god, you mean to say I've actually been taking pointers this whole time from a goddamn telenovela?!"

"I'm helping you!"

"No, this is your ship - you're shipping us!" I bellowed. "And you're steering that ship directly into an iceberg!"

Ria flailed her arms about. "Well, you're sinking all the same anyway, Leonardo! You gotta do something to plug that hole, otherwise, it's to the ocean floor you go… again."

"You really think this is gonna work?"

"Darling, I know this is gonna work."

There was so much confidence ringing with her claims, not just that either, her hands on her hips, and the intensity of her stare, they all just radiated with the exaggerated swagger of an audacious phoenix.

I would say I had doubts, but there needed to be a semblance of uncertainty in order to even have those. I had no uncertainty, this was clearly the biggest nope that ever was, is, and will be.

And the worst part about all of this?

I was actually starting to believe her.

'Why not?' A little itty bitty part of me dared speak out.

Every recent encounter I have had with Ash always ended in downs. Isn't it high time to have one that actually ended in an up for once?

A date. I've never been on a date before. I know. I know. What a surprise. Jokes aside, why not? No ulterior motives this time, no poking the sensitive spots, just a time for laughs and smiles - the two of us. Sounded fun.

As friends, of course. Just as friends.

"Besides…" Ria flashed a sly grin. "Maybe it'll end up with more than just a kiss, hm?"

I gave her a cold dead stare in return. "Y'know I got a stapler upstairs. You keep those lips flapping like that, you're gonna get an order that will keep that beak of yours shut for good."

"Woo, what a threat," Ria said, backing away with arms raised. "It's too bad you're too kind of a guy to actually follow up with it.'

"Right…"

"It's a compliment, sweetheart," she said, swaying her body energetically from side to side. "Kind is nice, you know? It's certainly what the Elf up there needs right now."

Strange… that was a total inverse to what Irene had stated. Wasn't it cruel to be kind? Or have circumstances differ so greatly now that a bit of kindness was warranted after all?

Guess we'll see… first things first, though, there was just one problem.

"Well we can sit here hatching up all the devious schemes we want all day, it's only too bad you're missing out on the most important factor here."

I let the mystery of it fester in her thoughts for a while as she stood there in silent contemplation. 'Course I already expected a bullshit answer to be coming out of her, but it wouldn't hurt to know what it was that she considered an 'important factor' here.

"A diamond ring?"

Damn, I was actually anticipating hearing condoms there. Guess she was purer than I originally thought.

"Consent," I told her. "Going out is a two-way street. If the other person doesn't know about it, how is said person supposed to enjoy it?"

Ria rolled her eyes. "Then just go ask her out, duh."

"She's - !" I paused, finding for the perfect words. "She's busy right now... Up there. I don't really wanna disturb her."

A mighty drawling grown emerged out of her agape lips, as she shambled on over towards the staircase, proclaiming with a feeble breath, "Fine! Then I'll go ask her."

Oh no no no no no no no no no.

"Ria, wait-wait-wait-wait! Stop! Stop!"

But stop she did not. Ria kept going up and up like she was the Usain Bolt of staircases. The last thing I ever saw of her before she disappeared into the second floor was a bit of leg sticking out, spurring to the direction of Ash's room.

Now all I had were sounds to go off of. Listening intently, grimacing badly, at the thud of her feet scampering across the hallway. Seriously, I wanted to shrivel up into a ball and die there upon hearing the dreaded knocking on wood.

Ash's door always squeaked when opened, and this time, holy shit did it squeak, alright. It seemed louder than ever before.

Then just like an ax-wielding murderous psychopath, Ria's voice echoed all the way from the doorway, with a loud cheery - "Hey there, Missus Elf! Are ya winning?"