THE VERY FIRST TO MAKE ME FEEL THAT I MATTER.
My name is Andy, a young lad of age 17. I have been through a lot of things that made me feel that I didn't matter or I wasn't worth it.
All I ever wanted was to prove to everyone that I mattered. No matter how hard I tried, I failed again and again.
I want to be loved.
I want to be valued and esteemed.
I want to feel that I matter.
Even though I had all these I didn't feel it as much.
This was until I met someone. Her name is Gayatri, she made me realized that I had all these and more.
This is how it all began:
At the age of 17, I realized my aspirations and wanted to be a writer. I started working on articles on Medium.
I titled it: Why are some people smart and others not.
The reason why I started all these were to help other people learn easily and understand more on what it means to be intelligent.
As time went on, I started sharing my work on social media-Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.
I got views but not as much as I expected.
I felt a little disappointed and I had no knowledge that the writing world was full of competition.
Months later, I started to write quotes and shared to various Facebook groups.
People reacted and seemed to love it. So, I decided to send anyone who reacted to my quotes a friend request. I took this action because I thought it would also create an opportunity to share more quotes with such people.
I initiated this plan and sent friend request to everyone who reacted to my quotes.
She happened to be one of them.
As an extrovert, I knew how to make friends easily. I started to build friendship with all those who reacted.
Everything was going well.
As time went on, I received a notification that a friend request I sent to someone who reacted had been accepted.
When I checked the person had sent a message, a simple on.
Hi.
(I decided to respond and spark a conversation.)
HI.
How are you doing?
Not bad
And u?
Great.
(She sent a smiling emoji)
What are your hobbies?
I do have many interests.
Like?
Reading, watching movies…
Cool those are my hobbies too.
Great.
Tell me about u.
I love reading and writing a lot.
That's amazing.
And gaming as well.
Cool.
What kind of books do u love to read?
Almost every kind.
I read when I am in the reading mood.
Me too. I read when I am in
reading mood.
Exactly, same happens with me.
I can see you love football.
(I said this because she was using Messi as her profile pic.)
Oh, that is a past interest.
I'm not into that now.
What are you into now?
Now I'm into nothing
actually, kinda in a blank
state now.
Was having some hard times…
(The funny thing was that I was at my breaking point. I still wasn't I imagined myself to be.)
Me too right
now.
Oh, that's so sad.
Hope u are fine now.
I guess so.
Do you care to tell me about urs?
(I didn't know what I was thinking I asked that.)
It's complicated, maybe after
sometime, I'll tell you.
It's such a relief
to have a listener.
U can tell me anything u
want at any time.
I really appreciate ur
Kindness.
Maybe after sometime
Cuz…I don't want
to open up wounds
again.
Totally understand.
Where do u live?
I am a Ghanaian. It's quite far from
Ur country, I think.
Which country are
U in anyway?
India.
Ghana is
In Africa, right?
Yep.
It's an interesting country to be in.
I love your country's
Movies by the way.
It's fun.
You mean Bollywood movies?
Yep.
Oh.
Do u love them too?
I don't watch Bollywood
Movies actually
Bollywood movies are in
North India mainly.
Ok.
I am from the South.
Oh, I see.
Are you a fan of Messi?
Ys.
U love Messi too?
He is one of my idols.
Messi was my addiction.
He is amazing and fun to watch.
He is one of the greatest players ever
to play football.
Can I see U?
A picture??
(I froze because I was insecure about my looks. I didn't believe I was handsome. I never took pictures ever since I turned 6.)
Picture of?
U.
I am not all that handsome.
Hey…
I don't care abt ur looks.
I just wanna see u.
(Her words moved me. It made me feel that looks doesn't matter that much.)
Ok.
Do looks matter
That much??
Ok. I am coming.
(I sent her the only 2 pictures I had on my phone. I only took them because of a Binance account I was creating.)
Here u have it. I told u I am not handsome.
(I sent the pictures to her. An average black dude at 17. Nothing fancy.)
YOU ARE HANDSOME
Trust me.
(I felt like she was saying so to make me feel better.)
Ok. If u say so.
I really meant it.
Tell me more abt u.
U ask,
I'll answer.
Ok.
I just checked ur
Profile.
U seems like a
Really good person.
Thanks.
(She sent a smiling emoji once again.)
U too seems like a nice person.
I'm a hopeless romantic.
(I knew she was saying this based on something so I decided to get her to open up.)
No
U ar romantic.
Y, no?
(Y=Why)
I'm serious on that.
Y do u think so?
I won't lie, I am telling the truth. U ar romantic.
Maybe that's the truth.
Y ar u using maybe?
Can I tell u something?
Ys.
When u connect with someone deeply
Is when u see their romantic side.
I have been there.
I just want to run
From my feelings.
Y?
Now my pain tolerance
Is 0.
Mine is 0 as well.
Y, do u wnt to run away
From ur feelings?
I am in love
With someone but
We can't be together.
Y?
He's Muslim and I'm Hindu.
So, we broke up yesterday.
So sad. It's a little like Romeo
And Juliet.
Kinda.
He's so much
In love with me.
This was what was bothering
U when u said after sometime, ryt.
Yes.
Ha…
I'm fine
We're still friends.
Can I tell u abt mine if u only u want?
(I did this because I wanted to show her, she wasn't alone.)
Yes, tell me pls.
I used to work with a very beautiful
Girl. She was a Chinese
American. Her name was
Sahana. She offered me
A job and we worked together.
I told her there were a billion things
I wanted to do and one of them
Was to take her on a date but
something happened.
I lost everything and had to quit
Thus, ruining everything.
So, she left u?
She wasn't interested in me in the first place.
U ar not alone, ok?
I feel your pain.
You will be fine, time
Heals all wounds.
Same to you.
That seems very romantic.
There will be many hearts
Hurting for u, just wait.
(When she said that it reminded me of my desire to be loved and adored.)
What do you have planned now?
I'm just focusing on
My studies. That's it.
I don't want to
Suffer any pain anymore.
How old are u?
21.
Ok. I am a student too.
What ar u studying?
I'm a law student.
I'm a graduate.
Great.
What do you want to be future?
An IFS officer.
IFS? Full meaning
Indian Foreign Service.
That's great.
It's one of the top positions in
our country.
You would make a great IFS officer.
I am studying to get that.
U ar so kind.
Study hard then.
What was the happiest moment in ur life?
It was with my romantic
Relationships.
Care to tell me abt it?
I want to but it'll hurt.
None of them exist now
So…
Don't worry. I understand.
How old are u?
18.
(I lied.)
Oh, so young.
Age difference isn't really that far, u know.
My brother is at your age.
Ok.
How old did u think I was?
I was thinking 23 or something.
I see. Don't worry, they say maturity doesn't
Lie in the age but the thinking.
That's true.
I thought u were older by your looks.
Just don't think about the age.
Who cares about age?
You can talk about anything
You want with me.
(I wanted her to confine in me.)
Yeah…
Tell me about family.
I have a really wonderful family,
Mom, dad, two brothers and a sister.
They motivate me to continue with my dreams.
But after everything today, I feel like quitting.
What's your dream?
Tell me about it.
I'm an ambitions person too.
They are many but if u want to hear them;
I will tell u.
Tell me please.
I want to become a writer (novelist), comic artist,
Animater, youtuber and start my very
Own invention and technology company.)
That's amazing.
I plan on making a worldwide
Invention that will change the world.
But I feel like quitting.
Hey no, don't quit.
Maybe it's all pointless. I am not
as smart as Elon Musk or Steve Jobs.
I am a nobody.
U ar so young.
U still have lots of time.
It's amazing that u dare to dream big.
Most people aren't brave enough
To even dream.
You don't think it's crazy?
No. Trust me. You are amazing.
U can do that, if u want to.
It'll be hard.
But you are strong enough.
Do you really mean all these?
Yes…I have reasons for it.
Like what.
First of all, u are kind,
U listen, u have big dreams.
These qualities are actually
really rare.
(I started to feel that my dreams are not far within my reach. Ever since that time, I felt a connection to her.)
Do you think we can be longtime friends?
I'll be more than happy for it.
Are we going to talk more often from henceforth?
I'll love it, it's such an awesome experience
to talk with someone like u.
(That was the first time I started to feel I mattered.)
Do you know what I think about you?
Tell me.
I think u are amazing, romantic
Sweet, and would make a great IFS officer.
I hope so.
Don't hope, Believe.
Ok.
I love ur personality.
I love urs too.
U have an amazing positive vibe.
Thanks a lot. That sounds a little romantic.
Know that u are 100% romantic.
Yes, I am.
But I am hopeless.
I am hopeless too.
You are so young, what made you sad?
You.
What did I do?
Just stop saying that. You are not hopeless.
If you think u are hopeless, then take my hands.
Lay your head on me. Trust me and I will help u get where u want to get. You are not hopeless.
Aww…
You are so sweet.
Haven't seen such a nice person
In a long time.
If we were to meet in person, I would have given
You a kiss on the cheek to show you mean so much more.
How are you so sweet and mature?
Let's just say, I have experienced a lot in life
Especially because of my dreams. I have also
Experienced the world through, animations,
Stories and other life experiences.
You are way matured for
An 18-year-old boy.
I appreciate it a lot.
To be honest I lied about my age. I'm 17. I will
Turn 18 next year.
U never cease to mesmerize
Me.
When I was 17, I was so childish.
Sorry I haven't even wished you a merry
Christmas.
Merry Christmas and may all your dreams
Come true.
Same to you.
I am childish too. My friends say that a lot about me.
(I said this out of hurt. All I wanted was to be seen by my friends as unique, mature and wise. But they never saw that.)
How come you are so matured around me?
Maybe my friends don't realize my value yet. Or I
just don't try hard enough to show them.
I realize your value.
Really?
Ys.
I have a story I am working on; would you
Like to read it.
Yeah sure.
It's not complete but I feel like sharing with you.
I will be so happy if u let me read it.
It's on my laptop, I am
coping it to my phone. Just wait a bit.
Okay
I am waiting.
But let's talk about something else as
I send u the pdf.
I want to know something
About u. But don't really
Know how to ask I.
U seems like an interesting person.
Ask. Just feel free.
U are looking for love, right?
(My eyes popped out; how did she know? All I want is to be loved and valued.)
Yes, in fact almost every single day.
I felt it.
How?
Sweet people crave for love. That's how I know it.
Are u kind of desperate for it that much?
Maybe. I can't really tell.
I was kind of desperate too,
After my second break-up.
(I sent her the link to my book.)
U mean second break-up?
Yes.
Let me check the link.
How fast do you fall in love?
Let me know if you are able to open and read the book.
Wait. It's downloading.
Ok.
What qualities makes you fall for a man?
Strong, sensitive, compassionate
And friendly.
Have u seen such qualities in any other man?
I have only met my dream man in a book.
What book?
It's a Chinese novel.
I'm addicted to that novel.
It's mind blowing.
(She sent me a link to the book.)
I want to ask you something.
I am listening.
Y are u so kind to me?
Because you are my friend.
You consider me as your friend
in such a short time??
What makes you trust me?
Most people believe that trust doesn't exist anymore
in this world. I have had my share of pain but,
listening to everything you are saying,
I find you to be true, authentic and romantic.
That is why I trust you.
I trust u too.
You seem like a good person.
Tnks.
My heart is cheated and abused, so
I'm really afraid to trust and love a person again,
But you are like a comfort zone.
U got calming vibes.
Your presence means a lot to me now.
(I really matter. Now I can feel it.)
Let me help mend that broken and
abused heart of yours. Rest on my shoulders and
let me protect you.
Can you do me a favor?
Yeah.
Send me a picture of you.
Ok.
(She sent me a picture of herself and her brother. Man, she looked ravishing. What fascinated me was her black curly hair and big black eyes. Her brother too was cute.)
Thanks.
Me and my brother.
(She said explaining the picture.)
Look really beautiful.
Tnx.
U are so kind to me.
Do you know why I asked for your picture?
Tell me.
I want a reason to keep going on with my dreams. That reason is you, Gayatri.
What actually happened to u?
I wanted to give up.
I'll be ur personal cheerleader.
Never give up.
Always?
Always…
I would have given you a hug if u were here.
Can't believe you are only 17.
Y?
You are too sensible and compassionate
For a teenage boy. I never thought boys
can be like this. Especially boys at your age.
Maybe I am special. Maybe I am an
Answer to most of the world's problems.
You are special.
I know it.
Do you really believe that?
Yes. You are so sensitive
and matured. Ambitious as
well. Perfect blend of great qualities.
But I make lots of mistakes and mess up badly
most often than I can count.
It's doesn't matter.
You are human after all.
There is one thing I am afraid of.
What?
I don't want to forget you when I become successful.
Don't forget me.
Actually, we can't say that.
Y?
When you grow up, you may forget me.
People change, I have seen that a lot.
You don't seem to get it. You have
become really special to me and I want to
be around you. Besides you are one of the reasons
why I want to keep going.
We have only one day of friendship.
I'm also a person who gets easily attached
to people. So, I kind of get it.
I really appreciate ur love.
I know, sometimes, you don't
need a decade to know a person.
So, you trust me in such a short span
of time?
Yes.
I have had enough bad
experiences but I trust you.
(It made me remember Seungtae words in God of High School anime:
"Have some faith in them. The more you trust someone, the more they'll trust you too. Always!")
Will you always be there for me?
I'll be there for you as long
As u want.
(I guess Seungtae was right all along.)
I am kind of sleepy.
It's late here. Almost 1pm.
Ok. Goodnight then.
Sweet dreams and kisses.
Actually, I don't
feel like going.
Y?
There's a warmth from u.
it feels so good.
(That is one of the sweetest things someone had ever told me, I will always remember it.)
Do you want me to keep you even warmer?
Yeah, love me more and more.
I feel good too.
I have finally met someone who makes me feel I matter. A very special friend. I am striving to get to her to give her my last message despite my death…