Am...I...dead?

Why does life always have to be painful for someone like me?

Why can't I just feel that I also matter?

It's through the eyes of others that our life has meaning. So, when one does feel this…it's almost like he doesn't matter.

There were times I wish I wasn't born because I have suffered pain too much.

Dying at the age of 22 has to be really frustrating right. It was left with 2 days to my birthday.

I met Gaya at 17. I promised her I would come visit her after my success.

After 5 long years, everything was going my way.

My novels were finally accepted by publishing companies and they were hitting bestsellers.

I made it finally, my dream has come to pass.

I immediately made arrangements to leave for Kerala because that was where Gaya lived.

I did lots of research about Kerala and my finds made me love the place.

The literacy rate was high, it was a very hospitable place with lots of beautiful sceneries and rivers.

It's just as I imagined it.

My flight was going to take off at 7am in the next morning.

I was so glad because I was going to see Gayatri.

When I told her she was so happy that she texted:

Can't wait to see you.

Me too.

We talked about a lot of things from then on. When it was 11pm, I bid her goodnight since I had to sleep and wake up early, so not to miss my flight.

I feel the sun's rays hit my eyes causing me to wake up.

"Hah…it's about 5am. Got to get dressed. Don't want to be late." I said to myself.

I walked up to the window to close the curtains since I intentionally left it open.

For some unknown reason, I couldn't hold it. It was almost like I was invincible.

"This is strange." I said as I tried to grab the curtain once more.

Then it suddenly hit me like a bullet.

"Could it be…that…"

Fear gripped my heart as I slowly turned my head to the bed.

There it was…

My body lying lifeless.

"So, I…am…dead?"

But I have to get to Kerala. I have to see Gayatri.

When I checked the time, it was 6am.

A ride to the airport would take 20 minutes if there is no traffic. In case of traffic, it would take 40-45 minutes.

"NO, NO, NO! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING…" I screamed.

"What do I do now?" I asked myself.

I suddenly heard my phone buzzing.

When I got closer…

Gayatri had sent a text message:

I will be waiting for you at the airport.

All I wanted was to be able to grab the phone to reply, but I couldn't hold it. My hands passed through the phone every time.

I couldn't hold back my tears.

I remembered everything I had been through in life (the hurt, pain, rejection, heartbreaks, criticisms, insults and harsh treatments), I remembered my dreams (novelist, animator, comic artist and inventor).

All I wanted was to hear people whisper at my funeral:

"He was truly one of the greatest writers of all time."

But I realized now that it was all…a fantasy.

I promised Gayatri that I was coming today to see her.

Looking at things now, it was impossible.

I burst into tears because…

She was the very first to make me feel that I matter.

In that moment, a crazy idea came in my mind.

I smiled with a look of determination.

"DEAD OR ALIVE, I AM STILL GOING TO KERALA." I screamed.

I ran downstairs and headed out.

There was a cab outside my apartment.

My neighbor, Miss Elizabeth along with her two sons were about to enter the cab.

I didn't know what to do until an idea popped in mind.

I dashed at full pace and launched myself like a rocket into the cab right before the door closed.

It turns out, Miss Elizabeth was also heading for the airport to meet her first born, Fred.

Fred and I had been friends for a while now. He was competitive and full of determination. He was admired by everyone. He left for London a year ago and now he was coming back.

I was happy that I was going to meet him but when I checked the clock, it was 6:30am.

I had to hurry or I was going to miss my flight.

We arrived at the airport exactly 6:50. I immediately got out and ran as if I was pursued by cops.

I entered the airport and looked around for the plane leaving for Kerala.

After 5 minutes of moving up and down, I found it.

I ran towards the plane attendant.

"Are you heading for Kerala?" The plane attendant asked.

"Sorry I am late; yes, I am heading for Kerala." I said breathing so fast.

Then I remembered, who am I kidding?

I AM A GHOST FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

It turns out that she wasn't even talking to me.

When I turned there was huge man behind me.

He was black with a full spartan beard.

I immediately slid past them to get to plane.

No one could see me anyway.

When I entered, it was left with only one empty seat-mine.

My eyes turned watery as I made my way to take my seat.

I sat down taking deep breaths as I looked at all these people who had a chance at life and I didn't.

Some looked unhappy, others seemed happy whiles some distracted themselves with their mobile.

The plane took off a minute later.

I made it but at what expense?

I am now a ghost. How would Gayatri even see me?

Even if she did, was she going to be able to touch me?

These thoughts made me uneasy.

I preached many quotes about death to others.

Today, I was finding it out the hard way that, it's never as easy as we all think.

No matter who you are, death will always come for you. And no matter how prepared you are, death has his way of taking you off guard.

I am saying this from a victim's perspective.

If man knew the number of days he had on this earth, maybe it might have made a change. People would have valued their lives as well as that of others.

But since we don't know, we take everything for granted and pay the consequence when we least expect it.

What is the purpose of life if we are all going to…?

Die someday?