To Myself, A Reflection

The next few weeks have been a confusing whirlwind of emotions. After Iris came to visit me, all I could think about was her. There was nothing else on my mind. Not even the scumbag guards could distract me from my thoughts. That idiot crown prince visited me once, though. I ignored him. Couldn't bother to listen to his nonsense. Probably talked about how I should repent in my death or something like that.

All I could think about was when Iris said...that she loved me.

I...I don't understand.

That...that was Iris, right? My most hated enemy of all time? The person who ruined my life! How could she possibly love me?

...To be honest, I couldn't care less. I'm getting executed tomorrow anyway. What good are these sentiments if I'm dead tomorrow?

But what if? Couldn't a girl fantasise about having a sister that she could have loved? What if I was really wrong about everything? What if...

No. No, no. It's a trick. It's definitely a trick. She'll probably appear at the execution and smirk at me or something. Break my heart, that's the plan.

But...what for? What would that achieve for her? Satisfaction? Getting me killed should have been a peak. What else could there be? It doesn't make sense. I'm...denying facts.

Look at it logically: What are the possible interpretations of the word 'love'? There are only a few types of love. Relationship love, familial love and friend love. Which is it? Relationship love?

No, Athena! Are you dumb?! Of course, it's familial love. All this dungeon must have made me stupid. Lowered my intelligence. This is actual horror. I've become stupid. I'm going mad.

Oh, for the love of my sanity, I need someone to talk to.

I...I want to talk to Iris. One more time. I want to know what she meant. I need to.

But I'm probably not going to see her again. The scumbags did ban her from seeing me again.

...

You know what? I should reflect on my life. Regardless of whether Iris did love me or not.

Let's see...

One, have I been nice to Iris? Or to anyone in my life?

...yes. To my father, at least. To Iris? Not that much. If anything, I've been really mean. I mean, who forces their sister, half or otherwise, to get locked in a room for ten days? What am I, a kidnapper? Sure, I was annoyed at her for making me embarrassed at the royal party, but that's no reason to do so. I'm the older sister, for crying out loud. Wait, I think so. Were we the same age? I think we were. But I definitely am the older one. Never mind, irrelevant. Next!

Two, was I morally correct in my life decisions?

Totally! I've never done nor will do anything to dishonour the Cloverfield name! Every action of mine was justified! Whoever says otherwise should get...oh. Maybe I've been a bit of a tyrant, after all. I've never actually gotten anyone executed, have I? I don't think so. Yeah, no. Never. I've fired multiple servants for their misconduct, but never out of reason. I'm just strict.

...Then again, I did almost kill Iris that one time. I mean, sincerely, it wasn't exactly my fault. My magic wand lost control. I didn't intentionally try to kill her. Sure, thoughts of it did occur, but I've never acted on it. Besides, I was angry at everyone all the time. Ever since her arrival at the mansion, my life wasn't the same anymore. I...I never grew out of that hate.

...Now that I think about it, why did I hate her that much in the first place? When did it all start?

I don't remember anymore. Was it the tea cake thing? If so, I'm way too petty. It can't be. I'm not that petty. Besides, I would have asked to change the food if she was allergic to it. I figure we at least would have a conversation about it. What happened at that tea party? It's been way too long, and now I can't ask her about it.

Then what is it? What made me hate you so much, Iris? Was I just jealous of you? Because Father showed more attention towards you? No, Father showered the both of us with love. I was never neglected or treated less. He treated us the same, both as his daughters.

I...I don't know why I hate you, Iris. In fact, I...I don't even think I hate you anymore.

This...this actually sucks. Why don't I hate her anymore? Was it all because she told me she loved me? Why am I questioning my entire life?

This hurts. This hurts more than the kick to the stomach. This hurts more than not getting enough food and water. My heart...actually hurts.

I feel so broken right now. It felt so much better when I had someone to blame.

I'm...starting to blame myself. Ah. I see.

I was wrong.

I was wrong to hate Iris. Because I hated Iris for no good reason. Because when life was horrible, I vented my frustration on Iris.

I see it now. I was the villainess in this story. And she's the heroine.

I bullied her at home and in school. Even after Father died, I continued to bully her. As her only relative left, I was mean and cruel. Considering everything, I was simply a horrible human being overall. I can barely remember the horrible things that I did, which really showed how little I thought my actions through.

Ah, Iris. I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was such a horrible person to you. I'm sorry I couldn't be the sister you wanted. I'm sorry I couldn't be by your side when Father died. I'm sure you suffered just as much as I did. And I'm sorry that I probably made it all worse.

I wish I could do everything over...

...If there is truly a god somewhere up there, please, I beg of you...hear me out.

Give me one more chance. Let me escape from this execution. I promise to make amends. I promise...no, I swear I'll make it up to Iris. I'll be the best sister she could ever ask for. I'll even become the kindest person in the world. If you could just...give me one chance, I'll make everything right.

Please...