Chapter 12 - To Melt on Moonsneeze

Kipfish gave final instructions to Gupnit and then left back down the ridge. Josef was tied up against an oak tree just off the path. Crows jumped and cawed, their manacles clinking amidst the chatter of the meadow's breeze-brushed branches. Gupnit and one macho remained.

From the interior of his faded red robes, Gupnit produced a small notebook, quill, and miniature inkpot. He nestled himself in the meadow grass right in front of Josef. He licked his lips as he flicked through his notebook's pages.

Josef watched Gupnit anxiously. To calm himself he glanced up at the night sky. All ten moons were still above the horizon, but the positions of some of the smaller yellow and grey moons had shifted downward. He didn't know the precise dynamics of Moonsneeze, but he knew he didn't have time to spare. He needed to reach another feld before Moonsneeze was over. Claudius and Kipfish had agreed on one point: he needed to get ratified before the end of Moonsneeze.

All around him the crows were still hopping about, cawing and pecking. Josef shifted his arms, testing the strength of the cord binding him. It was tight. The macho who'd strapped him to the tree had done a good job. He couldn't move his arms, though his hands were free to dangle near his hips.

Gupnit peered at him and scribbled down a few notes. Josef couldn't see what he was writing but it was probably something along the lines of goo-drinker squirming, goo-drinker showing signs of infelicitous eye movement, goo-drinker trying to touch nose with tongue.

"Say, Gupnit," Josef said, nodding his head at the brainsnake, "your master Kipfish seems to be quite keen on you."

"Quiet, goo-mutt," Gupnit said without lifting his head from his notebook. Goo-mutt, thought Josef, that was new.

"Didn't he say you had to document everything I said?"

Gupnit raised his head and stared.

Josef started to improvise: "Gupnit the Useless tries to be a good brainsnake but his handwriting is terrible and his left eye vibrates. Gupnit the Imbecilic can't chew his food properly. Gupnit the Irredeemable—"

"Quiet! Shut up, goo-drinker!" Gupnit clenched his journal and craned his neck closer to Josef.

"Go on," said Josef, "keep writing. You need to document every single word I say. You're falling behind as I speak. If you don't, I'm sure that macho over there will report you."

The macho in question turned and pointed a confused finger at his own chest. He carried two short swords on either side of his hips.

"Don't listen to him, macho. He's just playing goo-drinker tricks."

The macho kicked at the dirt path. "I have a name, Gup."

Gupnit waved him away as he jotted down a few more notes while speaking to Josef. "I've never had the chance to see a goo-drinker melt before. I'll start writing about that once the process begins." Gupnit then snuggled himself into the grass.

The word 'melt' made Josef uneasy. He needed to find a way untie himself. He couldn't see any weapons on Gupnit, but who knew what he was hiding within his robes.

Josef heard a soft thud above his head. A pebble landed in his lap.

"Gup, did you hear that?" whispered the macho as he peered into the trees and unsheathed his two swords.

"It was just an acorn," replied Gupnit, waving the macho off.

"Acorn? But Gup there are no leaves on these trees. They're barren."

Gupnit sighed. "Macho, I'm trying to document this goo-drinker for the good of our enterprise."

Another pebbled thudded against the tree bark. The pebble bounced briefly down the trees' roots. A voice cursed from the darkness of the meadow. Slingshot, thought Josef.

"I know that voice," whispered the macho, his quads flexing as he crouched and peered into the meadow's darkness. He held his hand up to his eyes to shield them from the central tree's green light. "Claudius?" the macho yelled out tepidly.

Gupnit's face suddenly expanded, his eyes wide as a heavy thud echoed from the back of his skull. He fell face-forward, his robes briefly fluttering open to reveal a small curved dagger strapped inside.

Immediately Josef wrestled against the rope binding him and towards Gupnit's still body. Gupnit was so close, but the cord wouldn't give at all. He remained restrained, but he had an idea: he tried to reach for the dagger with his feet.

The crouched macho saw Josef's intention and sprinted towards him. In that same moment, Josef, strangely, felt his stomach expand. The crows cawed wildly.

The rope slunk down his body. He was free. Quickly glancing around the tree, Josef saw the frayed rope and realized the crows had pecked through it. He whispered a brief thank you as Gupnit twitched on the ground next to him.

There was no time to roll him over and retrieve the dagger. The macho was too close. Josef prepared himself and dug his hands into his pouch as the macho dropped one of his short swords and reached out his hulking hand for Josef's throat.

Josef waited. He needed to be quick. He held the petal between his thumb and forefinger.

The macho was a second away from throttling his neck. As quick as a serpent's coiled strike, Josef's arm shot out and pressed the full petal of fenham to the macho's forehead. The macho continued to barrel into him, his hand grasping Josef's throat, but then all of a sudden he slowed as if stumbling into a gentle pool.

The full petal of fenham flushed any and all agitation from the macho's system. The macho's hand relaxed, releasing its grip on Josef's neck. He stumbled backwards while gently breathing. A small smile crept into his features.

Josef took full advantage of the opportunity and dove to the side just as another pebble fluttered through the air and crashed against the macho's neck. The macho barked in pain. Gupnit was waking, he shook his head and raised himself to his knees.

The short sword the macho had dropped glimmered against the meadow's green light. Josef pressed his feet into the meadow grass and flung himself towards it. He reached out and grabbed it with his right hand and then tucked and barrel-rolled along the meadow grass, making sure it keep the sword pointed away from his vital organs.

The fenham effects didn't last long, with the pebble's thwap probably contributing to its diminished effects. Josef turned to see if either the macho or Gupnit chased after him.

But the macho was standing with his hands on his hips. He huffed and began to plead, "Please, goo-drinker. Don't run. We'll get in trouble." The macho was almost a more pitiful sight than the crows.

"Get away from my goo-drinker, Boojaw," Claudius said, stepping out from behind a nearby oak tree, slingshot in his hand.

The macho waved weakly. "I knew it was your voice."

Gupnit rose to his feet, rubbing his head. "Stop talking to the fishman. Go get them, macho! We can't let them escape!"

"We've already escaped, Gupnit," Claudius said cheerfully while pushing Josef behind him. Claudius quickly turned to Josef and whispered, "What happened?"

Josef shook his head. He didn't fully understand himself.

"Claudius, please," said the macho named Boojaw. "This will turn out horribly for us. Just give us back the goo-drinker. He's going to die anyways. You had your fun."

Josef watched as Claudius bristled. "This isn't about fun, Boojaw. Well, maybe a tiny, tiny bit, but mostly it's about finally doing what's right. If you want to keep aiding The Ba'ha Company, then you deserve what's coming for you. I tried to tell you all of this last week during breakfast."

Boojaw threw his sword to the ground. "Yeah, you're right. I'm done with this."

Claudius jumped into the air and gave a resounding whoop.

Gupnit's mouth dropped open. "You can't quit, macho—I mean, Boojaw. We need to capture the goo-drinker!"

"Naw," said Boojaw, "I think I'm done with this." He then strode up to Gupnit and punched him in the stomach.

Gupnit crumpled over, once again drooling and spitting. Boojaw waved goodbye over his shoulder and walked away through the meadow grass.

Gupnit cursed and wheezed, "Goo-drinker, listen to me. Let us learn from your death. Be of service. I need to record your breakdown. You saw what Kipfish did to me. If he finds out you've escape…" His hand reached towards Josef, but Claudius was already guiding Josef away.

"Shouldn't we tie him up or something," Josef asked, glancing back at Gupnit who was still doubled-over in pain.

"There's no time, and don't underestimate brainsnakes. They may look repugnant and miserable, but if they get their claws on your skull it isn't pretty. Also, it's good to see you Josef. For a second I thought you were done for when that macho hauled you out of Hilgooth's holdspace."

Josef didn't know where to begin. The green light flowing from the central oak tree caused Claudius's teal skin to look like shimmering water.

And then Claudius ran, half-leaping, through the meadow grass, urging Josef to run and follow.

Josef complied without reservations. He sprinted after the Sea Gwell. "They couldn't ratify me, Claudius."

"Kipfish's barrage of curses clued me into that. Did the crows say anything to you? Izzblum's Guide to Drinkers of Goo mentions more than once I shouldn't pry too much, but I'm all ears if you want to volunteer something."

Josef leapt over a fallen oak tree, but his leg caught and he fell down into the meadow grass. A short blast of fear rolled through him as he almost splatted himself on his newly-acquired sword. He needed to be careful. His body was still recovering.

Claudius extended out his webbed hand. "First day with the new legs?"

Josef grabbed it, thanked him, and then ignored him. "The crows told me it was too dangerous for them to ratify me. They told me I had a different kind of goo in my body."

Claudius was just about to starting sprinting again but he immediately paused. "A different goo?" He looked at Josef, shook his head. "There's no way. These crows are old. There's only one type of goo," he said while gazing at the withered oaks. "This feld is old. They don't know what they're talking about."

"What makes you think the crows are wrong?"

"They're on their last leg, Josef. It seems to me like they'd rather go down with their honour intact than let themselves seem incapable—"

"No," said Josef without hesitation. "They gave me the choice. In light of your prior warning, I don't know if I should tell you this. But they offered to sacrifice their feld and make an attempt to ratify me."

Claudius whistled. "Yeah, maybe you shouldn't have told me that. That's intimate stuff. There are those who believe anything transpiring between a goo-drinker and a feld should be kept hush-hush. The Branchers, they call themselves. They believe that once you start explaining—"

Josef raised his hands. "My brain, Claudius. Think of my brain. We have to get to the nearest feld as soon as possible."

Claudius smacked his forehead and ramped up to a full-tilt run. "The nearest is Mal's," he said over his shoulder. "Which is in Gangdrup, which is under the Ba'ha Grotto. And I have the perfect guide to get us there."

"Malark?" Josef said, cruising down the meadow hill he'd ascended earlier while dodging between boulders. The Moons still shone down on the entire meadow, but the entire formation seemed to be dipping. Josef swallowed.

"Are you kidding me? That curmedgeon will barely get up to refill his wust juice cup. Just over here in the reeds."

Claudius gestured down towards the pond into which the sewer water emptied. He saw the walkway he was hauled down, its torches still flickering in the darkness.

"As for the crows," continued Claudius. "It's just a hunch. I could be wrong, but we use the same goo for every goo-drinker. The recipe dates all the way back to just after the First Conjoining."

"And how long ago was that?" Josef asked.

"Just shy of 10,000 Septujinnys ago."

"I just don't understand why the crows would lie about the goo I drank."

The ground began to squelch as they neared the pond. Reeds and cattails sprouted along the pond's edge while frogs croaked and fireflies continued to zip and dive through the night air.

"Trusting everyone is dangerous, Josef," Claudius explained. "Look what happened with John. People, felds, companies — they all have their own intentions. The Crow Meadow is old, but they're no different. Remember that."

"Well I think we should at least look into it."

"How about we focus on getting you ratified first," Claudius said and turned to look at the Ten Moons. "They're unbuckling. But slowly. We have an hour, maybe two at most."

Josef felt his body flush with heat and fear. "How far is Gangdrup?"

"We're about to find out," Claudius said as he pushed his hands forward and peeled back a wall of reeds. "I present to you Gangdrup's finest guide and citizen."

Josef didn't see anything.

But then he looked down. Twisting in the shore muck was John. He was bound by a length of rope, another ripped shred of his black cloak was tied around his mouth and he was half-sunk in the pond's water. One gujai nibbled away diligently on the big toe of his left foot.

John thrashed his head and growled.

"How did you catch him?"

"I was surprised myself, but sewerfolk, I can now assure you, do not make the best swimmers. Guess where Hilgooth is," said Claudius, full of glee.

Josef looked around but he couldn't locate John's vessel. Had Claudius hidden it?

Claudius pointed to the middle of the pond. "You can't see her because she sank! All of her leakages finally did her in, as well as me crunching open a hole in the holdspace."

John groaned again and thrashed at the ropes binding him.

"As soon as she plunked into the pond water, well, that was the end. I was waiting among the reeds," Claudius explained, lowering his head like a crocodile, "then I nicked back onto Hilgooth, retrieved my rucksack as John swam to shore, if you can call that swimming. If you need to, imagine a dog trying to swim backwards. He never saw me coming."

Claudius pressed his webbed feet into John's face. "Amphibians rule. Sewermen smell like stool. There's a new song for you, Johnny boy."

"Is he going to cooperate?" asked Josef, prodding John with his own foot.

Claudius waved the contract Kipfish had signed in the air. "If he wants this back, he'll have to. Who knows if it's still valid after your dazzling escape. But I think he'll be motivated."

Claudius smiled even more. "Plus, there's one more thing here that might just motivate our dear sewerman."