My straining spirit life

All the sources he can use to find his father are gone.

Tito's efforts to find his father have reached a dead end, only mommy knows where his father is. Mommy is dead, gone forever. He gives up on finding his father.

'I should accept my circumstances and focus only on my career and better my life.' Tito says this in hopelessness.

Tito's career faces terrific misadventures. All his life, he has been very ambitious. He desires entrepreneurship more than anything else. Through his intellectual capability, he started business management consultancy after his university studies.

He continues to engage in business ventures. He compiles business plans and proposals. But nothing he touches turns to gold – luck is never on his side. He fails so much in all his life including business set-ups. Business associates keep on cheating him. Some people use his skills only to throw him out when success comes in.

One of his business ventures is awarded a total grant to the value of BWP100,000.00.

When the manufacturing project is about to start operations, his business associate starts cheating on him and they separate. Tito is back on the street struggling for more business ventures.

He plans for another business venture. The government offers a business loan to the value of BWP500,000.00. His own cousin, the owner of the business place, is to be his business partner in this business venture. He tells Tito how he only wants to associate with the rich and famous, not Tito.

Disputes arise among them, the chicken business venture stops working.

A different Tito's business associate offers his 10 hectares farm to be used for a chicken business. Another BWP100,000.00 is awarded by the government for a different chicken business. At its start-up, the business partner breaks ranks with Tito.

Many more business projects fail. Even those Tito tries alone.

'My life is a total mess.' I don't succeed in anything I try to do in life. My life is a total mess.' Useless me!

He is rarely called for interviews when he resorts to employment? Tito wants answers to his problems both intellectually and spiritually.

These circumstances make Tito get bored until boredom never worries him anymore.

Due to this, he is able to stay alone – television and radio switched off with no person to talk to and without any boredom.

If he is not reading a book, newspaper or magazine, Tito is instead thinking of how to create positive circumstances for himself regardless of his difficult situations.

However, this does not create individualism to him, nor is he not ready to share things that can be shared with other people in life.

Tito missed his father so much for decades and this has built in him that he never misses a person in his life. When he was studying in Zimbabwe he never missed those he left behind in his home country Botswana; his old friends and family. When he moved to study in South Africa for five years, he never missed those people he befriended in Zimbabwe.

When he moved from South Africa back to his home country, Botswana, he never missed those friends he met in South Africa during his university studies. Even mommy, neither did Tito miss her whenever he moved from one country to the other. This is, however, not due to the frustration of his father's no connection situation. This is a character built in him by the way he lives, more so that he changed primary schools four times during his seven years of primary school education – this is because the family moved regularly from one town to the other.

Although he socializes a lot with people, he does not have in him long-lasting emotional attachment with people he meets. Neither does he feel the significance of the image of a meal shared with others as a good image to expression of fellowship.

During the presence of people, Tito hallucinates a lot – at social gatherings, in public spaces, buses and taxis. He has shocking nightmares? Tito's dreams reveal a lot about his past and present. Voices speak to him day and night. Undeniably his life begins to be a misery.

Tito begins to experience serious spiritual consequences.

He consults different church orientations and all kinds of prophets: He consults social workers, psychologists, business management consultants and all kinds of professionals. All he wants is someone to help him understand the spiritual path he is following and which one he has to follow.

As a grown up man, Tito goes for spiritual understanding of his messed up life.

He refers much to the holy bible as the family has been conducting their spiritual life, but his problems are never solved.

He ends up going back to his ancestral ways of spiritual understanding. Just like his grandmother used to do. He consults traditional healers of all kinds. He consults the spiritual, bone casting and numerological interpreters: those who can communicate with past relatives or past lives and tell fortunes?

As Tito receives spiritual interpretations, it indicates that he has a calling to be the spiritual leader within his paternal sides.

'I have psychic powers, to heal, to restraint as the power pleases?

Tito's shock as he asks a giant muscular psychic interpreter during one of his psychic sessions.

Aunt Judy also possesses psychic powers.

When she searched spiritually, she found out that Tito was more powerful than anyone else within the family of their surname. She became jealous of this. Aunt Judy knew about this when Tito was about to be born, hence the reason why she was against the birth of Tito back in 1978.

This is one good reason Judy always wanted Tito to know his father. She wanted Tito to go back to his father's family to become the spiritual leader there instead of where Judy belongs.

Despite that, it was not Judy's idea to take Tito to study in Zimbabwe, this was purely mommy's initiative and Judy followed just to make sure that her son also receives the best education similar to Tito's.

According to various psychic sessions Tito attends, the power of his psychic wellbeing influence areas of his personal and professional progress.

Ancestors of his mommy are against Tito's spiritual power.

They are against the fact that Tito will have to use his spiritual gift within the kinship of mommy's family.

'He cannot be the spiritual ruler within mommy's surname, never.' He has to go and find his father's family. He has to be their spiritual leader, not here, never!

Mommy's ancestors and elders are against this. This is the spiritual interpretation Tito gets from every session he visits.

Only to find out that the ancestors of mommy are against his spiritual power; this comes as a shock to Tito.

'There is one solution to all your problems according to omens and your nightmares.'

'Go and find your grandparents, that's the only solution to your problems,'

This is one psychic interpretation and prophecy after the other.

'But I know my grandparents – the mother to my mother and her lineage.'

Tito wonders to himself after every horrible nightmare he has and to every prophecy and psychic interpretation said to him.

Tito thinks he understands mommy's lineage very well. But prophecy and psychic interpretation still go on to say, 'know your father's ancestry.'

Tito has to know the father of his father.

The same question which Tito has been struggling to find an answer to, resurrects;

'Mommy, where is my father?'

But this time the question is in a different fashion –'My father, where is your father?' Tito now worries more; 'How can I know the father to my father while I don't know my father?'

'Will we have different conclusions that could raise conflicts in confronting my father on this matter as the case with mommy?

This is the question Tito has in mind for fear of more contradictions in his life. He desires to find inner peace after a long struggle with his mommy.

'What should I struggle on? Succeeding in my career and be denial to everything that is taking place in my life or – Should I continue the search for my father, but how will I find him?'

Tito is in a totally tight spot. Nothing seems to resolve his problems.

But the spiritual interpretations continue to say; 'find your grandfather or where he is buried.'

Being denied the chance to grow with his blood father brings distress to Tito once again. He tried to let this go. Now it is resurfacing.

Tito has to complete the journey of his life understanding of his lineage – his father's parental sides. 'I first have to find my father then find my grandfather.'

Tito screams as the stress of this question strengthens in his mind.

'Somebody help me!!!!!! 'Where will I find my father?' 'Where?' 'Where?' 'Where?'