Complicated Feelings

So I found out my younger brother likes to write novels like I once did when I was his age, he is ten years old now, I was happy that he loved writing but there was is sad feeling deep in my heart, will his novel ever get to see the light of the day just like mine did not, most of my works back then where either stolen or discarded by my mom, I hope she would not let him feel the way I did but again i doubt she will ever let them be sad. I love my siblings but the fact that my mom always finds a way to push all her blame at me always hurts, she never lets them feel sad but I am always at the receiving end of the blade each time.

I do not know how long it has been since o was truly happy, I do not think I have ever been truly happy to be honest, my whole life feels like a mess, yes I am an adult now but I guess I am still stuck in my self from when I was a child sigh, is my whole life a game? Sometimes I wonder if I am actually dead and that this is just my whole life flashing before my eyes, they say when a person dies their whole life flashes before their eyes or is this me already at the judgment hall and my life is being played to me all over. There are some memories I have but I do not remember living them, sometimes it feels like I am watching someone else's life unfold through my very own eye.

Am I really a disaster? A time bomb waiting for when I will explode? If that is not true I think all I might need is a sign, but instead of me waiting for that sign to someday show up out of no where, I am doing something else keeping my self busy and also thinking of how I am going to make my own sign.

The funny thing is that till this day I still have no idea what I want to do with my life and what I want to become, butninknow one thing is for sure, I want to work in a company, like maybe have my very own company, this Nursing is interesting and nice and all, when you help bring a new life into the world the joy is amazing but I mean I have wanted to do other things while growing up and my m chose Nursing for me, well that was simply because she wanted to become a nurse when she was younger and let's just say her uncle did not let her, he let his daughter go into the health program while she was made to go into computer science. This also adds to the words I hear, words like " do not forget I wanted to be the one to go into Nursing but I did not want your life to be miserable that was why I trained you to become a nurse" well in my years in Nursing school I had to rewrite a couple of papers on my journey when I was sick n strong but mostly sick and it sucked. While I was in school I was so scared to call home when ever I was out of cash because I would just get yelled at, so I could go two weeks without food just water and I would cry quietly in my bed, and when ever I was remembered by my mom she would whatever she could and the first thing I would get would always be bread, sigh! While in school I would wonder what the point of it all was for, I had thoughts of running away, some where about just dying but all in all there were all just complicated Feelings that I tried do hard to handle,and I am still trying so hard to handle.

I have always known the difference between good and bad, mom always made a fuss about how I could not bring a husband from all my years in school, she has no idea that all the boyfriends I had while I was in school, whenever they wanted me around it was only for their own interest and I hated that so I had to always break things off. Does she understand or does she not, I just do not get it. She would some times talk about when she was my age and how men always fluant around her and she would use them to get whatever she wanted, well men flaunt around me but they always want something and that something is something that I can not give, I would not say I haven't gotten a lot of things from them, I have but I always end up not giving them any thing an it always pissed them off, how can you want something from a girl that could be the same age as your daughter. I remember I would always say if my life was a movie, I would be very rich and I actually do mean it, at least some people get paid to act a pathetic role and I am actually doing it all for free and it is not acting, I have been told by most people who see me that I should go into acting or comedy but oh I don't know. I used to but I guess I just sometimes you know I just quite, not quite, quite is not the right word,no just take a break from it, yeah a break is the right word.

I do pray that someday I would get the chance to complete everything that I have ever started and I know that someday I will, I mean I love to study and learn knew things, it was so funny then back when I was in school both my seniors and Juniors called me an intercontinetal Nurse/ chef and they always praised me because I would do a lot of things, even my doctor mom praised me for that as well but still my mom does not see that does she?