52 Here and Now

It's not that Damian planned to cheat on her! After all, he didn't plan to succumb to some guy's charm and end up in his bed with him. It was a coincidence...

A coincidence that he entered the other man's room through the balcony, that he kissed him first, that he then caressed him like crazy enjoying the smell of his body and the softness of his skin and then...

Damian didn't act on purpose, he didn't plan what happened that night, but if a man can't control the temptation placed before him, can he call himself a man? Only animals act instinctively, without thinking about the consequences. If man loses his mind for a moment, he must reckon with the consequences of what he has then committed. This is what distinguishes humans from animals - consciousness.

What Damian had committed, however, did not only concern himself. He had betrayed the woman he was about to marry and had done so with a young, impressionable man who had decided to have his first sexual experience with him. A man who takes someone's virginity should take responsibility for his actions.

As if on some kind of balance, Damian faced his loyalty to his fiancée and, to counterbalance it, his responsibility to Rafał, whom he wanted to care for and protect. Looking at the scales, Radosz knew he had gotten himself into a lot of trouble because of that one night.

***

The tiny feet of a boy far too small for his age were burning from the cold. The boy did not know how it was possible that cold snow could be as hot as a flame. However, he didn't give it a second thought. His tortured little heart had no strength left.

It didn't even have the strength to wonder, what had the boy done so wrong that he was so cruelly punished? He knew it had to be something really bad, but he didn't know what. He didn't understand. He wanted to understand so that he would never do that evil deed again, but he didn't know....

After all, the boy wasn't laughing or crying. He didn't shout or make mischief. He didn't run or jump or ask for food, even though he was hungry. He didn't ask for attention or care. He tried to act as if he didn't exist at all, yet he was too loud and disruptive. As if his very existence was a problem for someone...

***

Rafał woke up somewhat disoriented and overwhelmed by the abruptly interrupted, unpleasant dream. His breathing was painful and heavy and maybe that was why he took a moment to realize that the whiteness he was seeing was not the whiteness of the snow but of the ceiling in his hotel room.

His eyes were misty and blazed with the same fire as the boy's feet in his dream. They pinched as if someone had sprinkled salt on them. Rafał rubbed them and saw the moisture of tears on his palm. He smiled sadly, pale and with bitterness. The past should remain the past. The past should remain the past, the past should not interfere with the present, for it is the only thing that matters now. The only thing that matters is the here and now.

That boy, after all, never again stood naked in the snow and frost. That pre-Christmas day was his last. Years passed and the boy never even stood on the threshold of that house again. It was a thing of the past, so there was no point in reliving those events and holding on to them when they no longer mattered. They had no meaning...

And yet, Rafał's heart squeezed painfully. The question he had asked then still remained unanswered, still tormenting the heart of the now grown man: ‘what had he done wrong to deserve such punishment?’

The little boy could not ask his mother why she was causing him pain. He knew that his mother must have a serious reason for it, that the boy had done something very, very wrong, but he could not ask what it was because he was afraid that his mother would be even angrier. So the boy persisted in ignorance, grew up in it, and when he became a man, he still had no answer. He was still afraid to ask, but now for a slightly different reason. Now he was afraid to hear the answer.

A little boy could not have done anything so bad as to deserve such punishment and Rafał already understood that. No child deserved to be treated this way. The knowledge that he was being punished without having done anything wrong was probably more painful than the remorse of having done something wrong. If one made a mistake that deserved punishment, one could learn to do the right thing and avoid further unpleasantness. But when one suffers for innocence...

Rafał rubbed his eyes and, sitting down, forbade himself to dwell on those events. The past belongs to the past. He must forget. He must go on living and he must be happy.

It was easy to forbid himself to think about the sad past, but to follow his own instructions was difficult. The past was coming back, no matter what.

Oh well, Rafał will just have to try harder to enjoy his life. For starters, he'll take a shower...

His body wailed in pain as soon as he tried to rise from the bed. His hips, his back and his insides screamed begging for mercy and for him not to make any sudden movements. They were complaining that he had treated them a little too brutally that night.

Rafał felt a blush of shame flood over him. That night he and Damian...

The young actor swallowed his saliva with difficulty. His body was on fire and Brylski put his hand to his forehead. In fact, it was slightly warmer than it should have been. Damn, and yet he has shots today! Admittedly, he doesn't have much to play today and will serve almost as an extra, but his presence on set, if only in the filmed crowd of onlookers, was necessary. After all, not in every scene does the main character always play the first fiddle, sometimes he is just a background for other events, but a necessary background. Meanwhile, his body, battered by the night's exploits, begged him for rest.

Not this time, Rafał said, and despite the pain and a slight fever he got out of bed and sprinted for the shower. After washing off the tiredness and sweat, he took the over-the-counter painkiller and anti-inflammatory he had in his drawer, just in case. Then he'll get dressed and, compact and ready, face the new day and... look into the eyes of Damian Radosz, the man he spent a hot night with.

***

Anita stood outside the door of Rafał's room. She stood upright, but her gaze couldn't get away from the tips of her own tennis shoes. She couldn't bring herself to lift her gaze, even though she knew that there was only a closed door in front of her.

Behind that door, however, was Rafał.

Growing up with a man as handsome as Brylski, knowing they were not siblings, was not easy. A few years old Anita was happy to have a little brother, a few years older Anita was painfully aware that they were not siblings. They were not related by the same blood. They were not connected by a family register. Nevertheless, they were raised as siblings and Rafał still thought of her as a sister, even though she had long since discovered the man in him.

Then Rafał told her his secret. A secret that was a source of pain and humiliation for him, a source of thoughts that he was someone flawed. A secret that was ruining his already deeply wounded heart.