76. No Laughing Matter

No Laughing Matter

[One morning in the kitchen, Lincoln comes in yawning in his pajamas while Luan pours a glass of fruit juice.]

Luan: Hey, Lincoln. Want some punch?

Lincoln: Sure!

[Luan takes out an extendable boxing glove and punches her brother with it, sending him flying and screaming through the kitchen and laughs at his expense.]

Luan: If that joke knocked you out, don't miss my performance in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday at the Chortle Portal. [holds up a flyer for the contest and gives it to Lincoln.] It's sure to generate a lot of... [offers to help Lincoln up, and shocks him with a joy buzzer in her hand.] ...buzz! [laughs and runs off]

[Lori and Leni are putting on their makeup in the bathroom. Lori with a mascara and Leni with a lipstick Luan barges in, making them ruin their faces.]

Luan: Did you guys hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Don't worry. They'll makeup! [laughs and nudges Leni] Get it?

[Lori and Leni sigh as Luan gives them a flyer.]

Luan: Come see me perform in the Junior Comedian's Contest this Saturday. It'll definitely leave you feeling... [flushes the toilet] ...flushed!

[Luna screams from the toilet flushing because she's taking a shower. Luan gives her older sister a flyer much to her annoyance. Lisa is busy working on some chemicals only for Luan to barge in.]

Luan: Hey, Lisa, what's 3.14159?

Lisa: Pfft. Don't waste my time. That's pi.

Luan: Did you say pie? [pelts Lisa with one and laughs] I'll be serving up a big slice of comedy at the Chortle Portal, Saturday night. [gives Lisa a flyer]

[Outside, Laney was painting a self portrait of a teddy bear. Just then Luan appeared]

Luan: Hey, Laney! Why did the bear turned red?

Laney: Um.. I don't know.

Luan: Because he was... [Splashes paint all over Laney's painting] Em-BEAR-assed! [Laughs, Laney growls at her for ruining her painting] If you think that performance is colorful, then you should check out my act at the Chortle Portal this saturday! [Hands Laney a flier] I'm sure to make a splash! [laughs and walks away. Laney crumples up the flier]

[Lisa wipes her glasses' lenses with the flyer. Lynn and Lucy's room.]

Luan: [knocking on Lucy's coffin] Knock knock!

Lucy: [from inside] Who's there?

Luan: Ivan.

Lucy: Ivan who?

Luan: [opens the coffin holding Edwin as Lucy hissed; Transylvanian accent.] Ivan to suck your blood!

Lucy: Please don't touch Edwin. [takes Edwin back and closes her coffin.]

Luan: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to be a pain in the neck! [laughs] Hey, come see my act at the Chortle Portal. [puts the flyer inside the coffin] I promise it won't bite! [laughs]

[As she leaves, she places a whoopee cushion on Lucy's desk where Lynn arrived with her football and sits down and falls for the trick.]

Luan: Gas what? You're invited, too! [gives Lynn a flyer]

[Lola and Lana's room. Lola is having a tea party with her dolls.]

Lola: Thank you all for coming to my tea party. Who would like a finger sandwich? [offers them]

[Mr. Coconuts suddenly appears on the tray.]

Luan: [voicing Mr. Coconuts] Finger sandwich? I was hoping for toe-fu! Har har! Get it, toots? [Lola gets annoyed as Luan gives her a flyer.] Don't be a dummy. Come to my show. [gives more to Lola's dolls and leaves.]

[The living room. The other siblings are talking about what Luan did to them earlier.]

Lincoln: I got punched!

Luna: I got flushed!

Lisa: I got pie'd.

Laney: [Holds up her painting] My painting is ruined!

Lola: [unimpressed] Toe-fu? Really?

[Enter Lana with an egg yolk and a flyer on her head; she sighs.]

Lincoln: Let me guess. Luan?

Lana: Ugh. She said she had a "yolk" that would "crack me up". PS: it didn't.

[Luan is coming downstairs with Mr. Coconuts and hears what they're saying.]

Laney: I don't know about you guys. But I'm getting sick and tired of Luan's jokes!

Lynn: You got that right! I can't wait for her Chortle Portal thing to be over. [while bouncing her basketball] She's been driving me nuts!

Lola: [getting a manicure from Leni] Tell me about it! It's not even funny! It's just obnoxious!

Leni: She's so annoying!

Laney: I know, right?

Lincoln: I wish she would just stop!

Lola: Yeah!

Leni: Totes!

Lori: Seriously!

Lana: I know! It's not cool!

[Upon hearing this, Luan becomes depressed, closes Mr. Coconuts' eyes, and walks back upstairs.]

[The next day, same setup as yesterday with Lincoln and Luan.]

Lincoln: [notices Luan pouring fruit punch and flinches.] Oh, boy. Is that punch?

Luan: Yep. Want some?

Lincoln: [holding a skillet] Not this time!

[He holds it up for protection, but to his surprise, Luan just pours a glass and gives him some.]

Lincoln: Oh. Thanks?

[Luan walks off and goes to the bathroom to see Lori and Leni doing what they did yesterday.]

Luan: Hey, guys, do you know what happened to my hairbrush?

Lori: [sarcastic] I don't know, Luan. What did happen to your hairbrush?

Luan: Oh. Never mind. There it is. [takes it and leaves much to the befuddlement of her older sisters.]

Luna: [pops her head out of the shower.] That was totally weird, dudes.

Leni: I know. She didn't even do this. [flushes the toilet, making Luna scream from the hot water.]

[Lisa and Lily's room]

Lisa: [finishing a math equation] Chyeah! I solved it! I do not know why Pythagoras couldn't hack this one. It's a piece of cake.

Luan: [enters] Did you just say piece of cake?

Lisa: [nervous] Oh, boy. Here comes the dessert projectile! [puts on a gas mask for protection.]

Luan: [looking at the equation] 'Cause it looks really hard to me. Congratulations. [shakes Lisa's hand and leaves]

Lisa: [baffled] Felicitations instead of frosting? I don't understand.

[Luan goes into Lucy and Lynn's room.]

Luan: [knocking] Knock knock.

Lucy and Lynn: [sarcastic] Who's there?

Luan: Me. I need to borrow a dollar.

Lucy and Lynn: [expecting a punchline] Me. I need to borrow a dollar who?

Luan: Fine. If you're not gonna help me, I'll just go ask Lola. [leaves]

[Lucy and Lynn look at each other shocked. Lola is having another tea party in her room. Enter Luan.]

Luan: Hey, Lola, can I borrow a dollar?

Lola: [thinking it's a pun] Oh, heh-heh. I get it. Doll-ar. [points to her doll] Very funny. [awkwardly realizes] Oh. You...actually want a dollar. [unzips her teddy bear, gets out her cash stash, and gives Luan a dollar.]

Luan: Thanks. [leaves]

[Outside, Laney was painting another painting of a teddy bear when Luan comes over again]

Luan: Hey, Laney. Why is that bear all red?

Laney: [Stood behind the painting] Oh no! Not this time!

Luan: [Pushes Laney aside and started painting it] Your using too much blush on it's face. There. [Luan leaves and Laney looked at her painting and was befuddled]

Laney: Uh, Luan? Aren't you going to make a joke about how red my bear is? [Luan kept walking back inside ignoring Laney] Luan?

[The other siblings are in the kitchen having a snack.]

Lola: Okay, you guys, Luan's been acting really weird. She just asked me for money but didn't make any joke or pun about it.

Lana: [jokingly] Oh? She didn't want any cheddar? Or lettuce? Or bread?"[pulls out one part of her sandwich on each word in the form of a pun and Lola shakes her head no; shocked.] Whoa. That is weird.

Lisa: Come to think of it, she missed the perfect opportunity to cake me.

Lucy: She knocked on my coffin just to ask for a dollar.

Laney: In fact, she missed EVERY opportunity for her to crack a joke or pun.

Leni: Maybe we should see if she's okay.

Lincoln: [relieved] Or...maybe we should just be grateful for the break. I say we celebrate.

Laney: Aren't you guys a little suspicious? I mean, never in our entire lives has Luan missed a joke opportunity.

Lisa: True. But now that Luan has dropped her continuous displays of humor, street name: jokes. We can finally enjoy pie without having it propelled into our faces. [opens the fridge and takes out a pie] Let's seize this opportunity!

[All except Laney cheer]

While the others were enjoying their pie not thrown at their faces. Laney couldn't help wonder why Luan has suddenly stopped pulling pranks and cracking jokes. So she selfly volunteered to go upstairs to check on her to see if she's okay.

[Luan was reading a book in her room when Laney knocked at her door]

Laney: Knock knock. [Luan was silent] Uh. Heh heh... yeah. So I don't wanna be a bother but, we were just wondering why the sudden lack of jokes lately?

Luan: Why do you care? You guys think my jokes are annoying.

Laney: Oh that? You see, we were just venting about-

Luan: [As she pushed Laney out of her room] You don't need to explain yourself, Laney. I get it, my jokes aren't funny. Not to you, my siblings, or anyone else. So, I decided I'm not going to the Chortal Portal or doing anymore jokes or pranks.

Laney: What are you saying?

Luan: I'm giving up comedy forever.

Laney: WHAT!? [Luan closes the door. Laney bashes on the door] Luan! Please reconsider! We didn't mean to make you give up your passion! We just wanted you to stop doing jokes... no wait that didn't sound right. [Luan opens the door]

Luan: Laney? [Lanes smiles at her] If you see Lincoln. Tell he can throw all these away. [Drops a pile of her comedy props on Laney then closes the door again. Laney's smile immedeatly drops]

[In the kitchen, the other sisters are enjoying the pie. Laney walks in depressed]

Lincoln: What's the matter, Laney. You want some pie?

Laney: No thanks... [Sits down]

Lincoln: What's wrong?

Laney: I'll tell you what's wrong! Thanks to us, Luan has given up comedy forever!

Lincoln: What?

Leni: Wow. Then her show at the Chortle Portal is gonna be really bad.

Laney: No! Don't you get it? She's giving up EVRYTHING about comedy! Including her show at the Chortle Portal!

[The siblings gasp]

Lola: But that was a big deal for her! She wrote about it in her diary! [notices all of them turning to and glaring at her; nervously.] Probably!

Lori: We have to convince her to do the show!

Laney: Guys, this is more than just the Chortle Portal. Comedy was Luan's life, her passion. But we took that away from her by complaining about it.

Lana: Well she has to get it back! We've got until tomorrow night until the show. We can come up with something.

Lincoln: Already did. Guys, huddle up.

[They all huddle]

[The hallway. Lola is whistling casually and hears the bathroom door opening. She takes out a banana, peels it, and tosses the peel on the floor right on cue as Luan walks in.]

Lola: [acting] Uh-oh! I dropped my banana peel! I wouldn't want anyone to slip on it! [awaits Luan's response]

Luan: Maybe then pick it up. [walks downstairs as Lola looks sad.]

[The kitchen. Lincoln has a bunch of pies.]

Lincoln: [acting] Hey, Luan! I just made six cream pies, but I can't think of what to do with them! [awaits]

Luan: I don't know. You could eat two, I guess, and then give the rest to charity. [gets an apple from the fridge and goes up to her room.]

Luna: [on her drums, acting] Man, I've been practicing my rimshots all day! If only I had a reason to bust one out! [awaits]

Luan: Well, good luck with that. [leaves much to the rocker's sadness.]

[Downstairs in the living room, Lori and Leni are looking out a window.]

Lori: [acting] Gee, Leni, it sure is wet outside.

Leni: [acting] How wet is it?

[They notice Luan]

Lori: I don't know. Luan, how wet is it?

Luan: [looks out the window] Pretty wet, but I think it's clearing up. [walks away to their concern.]

[Upstairs, Laney came up to Luan's door and knocked on it]

Laney: [Acting] Knock, knock. [Luan ignored her] Gee, I wonder if there's anyone here? And if they are, I wonder how will the know who's there? [Winks] You can't tell, but on the other side of this door I'm winking! [Luan rolls her eyes]

[Sibling meeting in Lori and Leni's room.]

Lincoln: Okay, everyone, clearly, the joke setups are not working.

Lynn: I know! I'm pitching her the sweetest meatballs, and she's not even swinging!

Lincoln: Don't worry. I have another plan. We're gonna skip the jokes and go straight to the laughs.

Lynn: What does that mean?

Lincoln: All homers and no pitches.

Lynn: [inspired] I like it!

Laney: So, we're just gonna laugh at everything Luan says? How's that gonna work?

Lincoln: Trust me. The whole point of this plan is to make Luan think she's funny. And this is the way to do it!

[The others agree and cheer]

[The next day in the kitchen, Lynn is drinking a protein shake which Luan can't help but notice.]

Luan: That looks gross.

Lynn: [spits in her face and laughs] Oh my gosh, Luan! Ha! Zing! Ha ha!

[Luan looks annoyed and joins Lincoln who's drinking some water in the living room.]

Luan: Hey, what are you watching?

Lincoln: [spits in her face and laughs] Oh my gosh, Luan! Oh, wow. You are hilarious!

[Luan is more annoyed. Laney was reading a book and drinking grape juice]

Luan: Hey, Laney. What are you reading?

Laney: [Spits in her face and laughs] HA HA HA HA HA HA! What book am I... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Oh, you're a riot, Luan! [Continues laughing]

[Luan is annoyed again. Luna is brushing her teeth in the bathroom as Luan enters.]

Luan: Are you gonna be done in here soon?

Luna: [spits in her face and laughs] Dude! Done in here soon! Too much, man!

Luan: [wipes the toothpaste from her face; annoyed] Alright! Everyone out here, now!

[Her siblings gather with big phony smiles on their faces.]

Luan: I see what you guys are doing, and it's not going to work. I'm done with comedy.

Leni: [spits her soda in her face] Done with comedy! Ha! Classic Luan.

Luan: [frustrated] Leni, knock it off!

Leni: [obliviously jubilant] Who's there?

[Luan growls and walks downstairs.]

Lincoln: We can't give up!

Leni: [spits in his face] Can't give up! Ha! Too funny! You guys, this is so much fun.

[Everyone facepalms in annoyance except Lily.]

[Later, Lincoln carries Luan's old props to the other sisters who are listening to something.]

Lincoln: Guys! I think I've got the answer!

Lucy: No need. Lisa beat you to it.

Lisa: I've calibrated my time machine to send us back two minutes before Luan overheard us criticizing her.

Lincoln: That is pretty good.

Lisa: Small disclaimer: the journey may result in our butts being in front.

Lori: [immediately turning to Lincoln with her other sisters, not wanting that.] Lincoln, what's your plan?

Lincoln: Well, we can't convince Luan she's funny, right? But what if an audience can?

Luna: How's that gonna happen, dude?

Lincoln: Leave it to me. You just make sure she's at the Chortle Portal at 8:00. [leaves]

Lana: [to Lisa] Can you still put my butt in front?

[The Chortle Portal]

Lori: Thanks for coming with us, Luan.

Luan: Sure. Just because I'm not funny doesn't mean I can't enjoy someone else's comedy. [Pauses for a second] Wait, does it?

Laney: Don't worry about it.

MC: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Junior Comedian's Night! Please give a hearty Chortle Portal welcome to our first comedian, Lincoln Loud!

[The crowd cheers]

Luan: [baffled] Lincoln?

[Lincoln runs on stage with Luan's joke notebooks. He drops them and picks them up, but hits his head on the mic which he steadies.]

Luan: And what's he doing with my joke notebooks?

Lincoln: [nervously clears his throat] Hello, Royal Woods! So, did you hear that the lipstick and the eyeliner got into a fight? Because...seven ate nine!

Luan: [gasps] That's the wrong punchline!

Lincoln: Never mind. [flips through pages] Here's one I know you're gonna love. Why did the chickpea cross the road?

[Luan makes a look of discomfort.]

Lincoln: "Wait. That doesn't make sense. Oh. Chicken! This writing is really hard to read." [tosses the notebooks and improvises] Why did the students eat their homework? Because their teacher said it would be a piece of pie! [hits himself with a pie]

Luan: [fed up] No, no, no! [gets up on stage, having fallen for it. She picks up the stand with the microphone on it and pokes her brother with it.] The punchline is piece of cake! [takes out a cake and hits Lincoln with it.]

[Everyone laughs at that bit of slapstick much to Luan's surprise.]

Luan: [inspired] Oh. [chuckles lightly] His delivery was a little crummy. [the audience laughs. Luan smiles] But don't worry. Things are about to get batter. [the audience laughs some more] Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head, but the tomato was trying to ketchup!

[The audience laughs, as do Luan's siblings, knowing that she's funny after all and back to her old self.]

Luan: Why couldn't Timmy ride a bicycle? Because Timmy was a goldfish!

[The audience continues laughing at Luan's material.]

[The next morning, Luan enters the kitchen much to her siblings' delight.]

Leni: There she is! The winner of the Junior Comedian's Contest! [hugs Luan]

Luan: Oh. [Hugs Leni back] I owe it all to you guys. Lincoln, thanks for stinking on purpose so I'd get up on stage.

Lincoln: [pretending that was his plan] Uh...yes. On purpose. Of course. [smiles nervously]

Laney: We're gonna pretend that's your plan.

Lori: We think you're really funny, and we're proud of you. We're sorry we said that harsh stuff about you.

Luan: [gets her breakfast] Thanks. That means a lot. And I know I can be a little bit much sometimes. I'll try to tone it down.

Laney: I think we all learned today to be more respective of other people's passions. Even if they are a bit annoying. [The other siblings agree. Luan bumps into Lana]

Lana: Whoops! [trips]

[Luan tries to hold it in, not wanting to burst out into puns.]

Lori: Go ahead. You can say it.

Luan: [beams and lets it out] Your breakfast is toast! And that's no yolking matter! If you scramble, you can make another!

Lincoln: [pats her back] It's good to have you back. [walks away]

Luan: Hey, why are you heading for the egg-sit? I'm bacon you to come back! [laughs as the iris stops on her] I crack myself up. [continues laughing as the iris closes completely.]