109. Scales of Justice

Scales of Justice

It was a rather peaceful day here in Royal Woods. The kind the day you want to spend cooling off at a nearby lake. Especially when you're Lana Loud.

[The episode starts at the lake at Tall Timbers Park, where Lana and Hops are visiting their fish friends. Laney was relaxing by the lake]

Lana: Hey, Mrs. Fishman. Didn't we talk about you staying off your feet until the babies are born? You should be relaxing, in your new kelp bed! [Gives the Fishmans said kelp bed, and then remembers something.] Oh, almost forgot, gotta update my sign. [Goes over to said sign, that reads 'Fishmans Pond population 2'.] 'Fishmans Pond population...' [realizes] Wait, how many little ones are you having again? [The Fishmans submerge, and Lana looks into the water to count their eggs, but decides on something else.] Uh, let's just round it off to a hundred. [using her muddy finger as a pen] So that makes, a hundred and two. Royal Woods is a great place for big families. You guys are gonna be really happy here.

Laney: How are the Fishmans, Lana?

Lana: They're doing just fine, Lanney. Although Mrs. Fishman is still jumpy.

Laney: Well, she is about to be a mother. I guess she's excited. It must a wonderful thing to be part of a family.

Lana: We're already part of a family, Laney.

Laney: No, I mean our own family. I always dreamed I'd be the perfect mother when I'm older.

Lana: You do have the skills to prove it. I mean, who else can change Lily's diaper in 12 seconds?

Laney: I'm trying to go for a new record. [Looks at the Fishmans and sighs] I can't imagine anything that can ruin this moment right now]

[Just then, a bulldozer comes by and it splashes Lana, Laney, and Hops in the mud. Lana turns around and sees the bulldozer.]

Laney: I have got to stop saying that.

Lana: [stern] Hey! What's your problem, pal?!

Worker: Beat it, kids. This land got sold to The Mustard Warehouse. They're building a new store here. I got orders to fill in this pond today.

Laney: But you can't do that! There are some very important fish living here!

Worker: Look, if they got a problem, they can call a lawyer.

Laney: They're fish!

Lana: They can't use the phone.

[The Fishmans look sad.]

Worker: [laughs] Aww, come on, kids. No one cares about a couple of fish. Put 'em in a tank or something.

Laney: What?! We just can't put them in a tank!

Lana: If we move the parents, We'd have to move their eggs, and they could die.

Worker: What can I tell ya, kids? There's plenty of other fish in the sea. [chuckles] Now move. [goes back to his bulldozer.]

Laney: [angry] I'll move you, you fat dumb... [Lana holds Laney back]

Lana: Easy, girl. [gets an idea] Wait, buddy! Your shoe's untied!

Worker: Huh? [sees that his shoe really is untied.] Oh, yeah. [starts to tie his shoe.]

Lana: [to Hops] Hops, bolt removal.

[Hops snags the bolts with his tongue, and spins himself to undo the bolts.]

Worker: Under, around, and through. Meet Mr. Bunny Rabbit, pull, and through. [gets back on his bulldozer, only for it to fall apart.] Oh, for crying into your pub cheese soup! [growls] I'll deal with this tomorrow. [leaves]

Lana: Good job, Hops.

Laney: Yeah, but that's not gonna stop him from destroying the fishman's home! What do we do?

Lana: We need to think up a plan.

Laney: Uh. We might wanna get washed up first.

Lana: No time! [gives a thumbs up to the Fishmans. Just then, Hops lets out a burp.] Hops, diesel breath.

[The Loud House. Muddy footprints are seen on the walkway and into the entrance Lana and Laney walk into the kitchen, still covered in mud. Rita and Lynn Sr. take notice of this.]

Rita: [stern] Lana, Laney, muddy shoes!

Lynn Sr.: [also stern] And pants, and shirt, and hat!

Lana: No time to change, We've got a crisis on our hands.

[Lynn Sr. puts oven mitts on Rita's hands, then takes out a garbage bag. They walk over and Rita puts Lana and Laney in bags and sets them down while they're conversing.]

Lana: The Fishmans are getting kicked out of their home.

Lynn Sr.: Have they tried calling a lawyer?

Laney: [growls] That's what that jerk construction guy said...

Lana: They're fish! And they live in the pond at Tall Timbers Park, but now some jerks wanna pave paradise and-

Luna: [Walks into the kitchen and cuts Lana off.] Put up a parking lot?

Lana: No, a mustard warehouse.

Luna: [Taking a box of apple juice out of the fridge.] Well the mustard warehouse, probably will have a parking lot.

[Lana rolls her eyes, and Luna leaves.]

Lana: I can't just stand by and watch this happen!

Rita: Lynn, I think we may have little activists in our hands.

Laney: Activist? I've never been an activist before.

Lynn Sr.: Well, we might be able to help, hon. Your mother and I were quite the activists in our day, we rallied for a ton of good causes.

Rita: Equal pay for women, reduction in carbon emissions.

Lynn Sr.: The freedom to wear puka shell chokers in the workplace, you know, all the big stuff.

Lana: Great. So, what do we need to do?

Rita: Well, I think your best bet would be to draw up a petition.

Laney: A petition! Brilliant! [Realizing that she has no idea what a petition is.] What's a petition?

Lynn Sr.: Well, you go door to door collecting as many signatures as you can, you'll also need phone numbers, home addresses, and emails.

[Just hearing that exhausts Lana.]

Laney: Uh, how many signatures does it take?

Rita: You'll need the signatures of half of the people in town, which would be about, mmh, ten thousand. [Laney's jaw drops]

Lana: Ten thousand? Is that even a real number? [her parents and Laney nod] Okay, fine. And then the construction will stop?

Lynn Sr.: No. It'll just be delayed while they call a public hearing.

Rita: Now, at the hearing, there has to be... [Just then, a trumpet playing dubs over her and Lynn Sr.'s voices, which is kinda similar to what you hear when the adults in Peanuts are talking, which exhausts Lana even more.]

[Later, in the upstairs hallway, Lana hops up the stairs, still in the bag.]

Lana: Boy, ten thousand signatures? This is gonna be a long day. Guys, we better pee before we go.

Laney: I'm okay. You go. I'll wait.

[Lana hops into the bathroom, where Leni, who is fixing her eyebrows, sees Lana's reflection in the mirror, and freaks out.]

Leni: Aah! Monsters!

Lana: [Not realizing that Leni means her.] Cool, where?

[Leni runs passed Lana and out of the bathroom, screaming, and runs right into Luna Luan's bedroom door, and continues screaming as she runs into her own bedroom door, then Lynn Lucy's, then down the stairs, and stops screaming when she runs into something, again.]

Leni: [offscreen] I'm never going in that bathroom again!

Laney: Uh, Lana? I think we're the monsters.

[Lana hops up onto the step ladder to take a look at her own reflection.]

Laney: Must be from all this mud.

Lana: [Getting an idea] You know guys, maybe there's an easier way to save the Fishmans. [Hops says something] You're right, we should still pee anyway. [Hops over to the toilet, and Hops, using his tongue, closes the door for her.]

[Seconds later at Laney's room]

Laney: I'm not so sure about this, Lana.

Lana: Come on, Laney. It's out only chance at saving the Fishmans.

Laney: But scaring people by pretending to be a monster? This can only lead to trouble.

Lana: But the fish are our friends. And we can't let those guys turn thier home into a place that only sells mustard! And besides getting a ten thousand signatures will take forever!

Laney: You are not wrong about that. Okay, I'm in.

Lana: Great! Now, do you think you can get us a scary monster costume?

[Laney pulls out a rack full of monster costumes out of her chest]

Laney: What size?

[Lana and Hops grin at each other. Afterwards, Lana and Hops are in the woods, Hops rallying together his forest friends, who all raise their various appendages, ready to rescue the Fishmans. Later, the construction worker from the previous day is finishing the repairs on the bulldozer, he starts to climb in, but looks when he hears splashing, he doesn't see anything so he climbs into the dozer and starts it up, when suddenly, something jumps onto his hood, a swamp monster it seems to be, the monster growls at the worker.]

Worker: Aah! Cheese and rice! [He keeps screaming as he puts the bulldozer in reverse, which causes the monster to fall off, but the bulldozer falls in a hole, the worker climbs out and the monster continues growling. The worker pulls out his phone and takes a picture.] They're never gonna believe me! I'm outta here! [Runs for it.]

[Once he's out of sight, the monster is revealed to be Lana, Laney, Hops, and all their forest friends, the Fishmans come out of the water with glee, and wink at them.]

[Later, Lana returns home where Rita, Leni and Lynn Sr. are watching the news, Rita calls her attention.]

Rita: Hey, honey, come check this out. They're talking about your pond.

Katherine Mulligan: Katherine Mulligan coming to you live from Tall Timbers Park. I'm here with the construction worker who claims to have seen an alleged swamp monster.

Worker: That's right, Katherine. Had to be twenty feet tall, couple hundred pounds, paws like a bunch of bananas. See for yourself. [shows the picture] He came at me with everything he had.

Katherine Mulligan: And is that when you ran away screaming?

Worker: Wha-? Who told you that? Was it the monster?

Katherine Mulligan: Uh huh, uh huh. I'm getting word that in light of this incident, the mustard warehouse has decided to build its new store in another location.

Lana: [joyful] Yeah! [laughs; high fives with Laney]

Lynn Sr.: Looks like you lucked out, kiddo.

Rita: Even though you didn't need it, we're proud you were willing to put in the effort with that petition.

Laney: But we didn't make- [Lana covers Laney's mouth before she could finish]

Lana: Enough signatures yet! But we're getting close. Aren't we Laney. [Winks at Laney]

Laney: Oh! Yeah! We're making great progress. [Smiles sheepishly]

Leni: Ten thousand? Is that even a real number?

Laney: Yes it is.

Lana: Apparently.

Leni: Well, I'm just glad that swamp monster isn't in our bathroom anymore.

Rita Lynn Sr.: That's terrific, sweetie.

[Lana and Hops return to Tall Timbers Park.]

Lana: Well, guys, the Fishmans are gonna be pretty happy to see ol' Lans.

Laney: And Auntie Laney.

Lana: Auntie.

Laney: You know. For all of the Fishmans new babies.

Lana: Oh, yeah. Not to boast, but we did save their- [gasps]

[To Lana and Laney's surprise, it is shown that the pond is surrounded with people and the news crew, waiting to see the "swamp monster" again.]

Man: Here, monster, monster.

Girl: I need a selfie with the monster.

[Flip is also running a stand as well, selling "official", (and probably counterfeit), swamp monster shirts.]

Flip: Get your swamp monster tees! One for $4, three for $15!

Lana: [approaches Katherine] What's going on?

Katherine Mulligan: Katherine Mulligan coming to you live from Tall Timbers Park. It appears the alleged swamp monster has turned this once sleepy hamlet into a hotbed of media attention.

Lana: [turns confused for a second, then realizes...] Oh, you're talking to me.

Katherine Mulligan: Yes, I am. And can you please move? Because we need to set up our broadcasting tent.

[Her crew sets up the tent, one member kneals a foot in the water while tying down the guide wires.]

Lana: [To the aforementioned crew member.] Be careful, there are delicate fish eggs over here, [shoves the crew member out of the pond.] they need peace and quiet. [Just then, the news chopper hovers in, flabbergasting Lana.] How long is this whole 'media hot sauce' thing gonna last?!

Katherine Mulligan: Until the swamp monster decides to pack up and leave. Katherine Mulligan will be bringing you all the action, twenty-four seven, I'm Katherine Mulligan. [Leaves]

Laney: [To Lana] She does know she not on the air, right?

[Lana gets an idea.]

Lana: Nevermind that, Laney. I got an idea.

[Later, at Short Shrub Creek, many people are lolly gagging around, minding their own business, not expecting anything unusual to happen. Lana, along with Hops, Laney, and their forest friends, are in their swamp monster costume, hiding in the creek.]

Laney: I'm not sure about this, Lana. Last time we did this, it caused too much trouble.

Lana: I know, Laney. And I feel bad for scaring these people, but we gotta do it for the Fishmans.

[They dawn the costume and sink into the water. Meanwhile, an innocent Leni and Becky are having a picnic by the shore, unaware that they are about to have an unexpected visitor.]

Becky: [To Leni] So, I brought the ham and cheese. Did you bring the baguette?

Leni: I'm sorry, I didn't know what that was so, I just got bread.

[Leni pulls said bread out of the basket, which actually is a baguette, when suddenly, the swamp monster rises from the creek, growling, the girls freak out and join the other people at the creek in making a run for it. Everybody runs away, except Leni, who runs screaming into a tree, and then runs screaming into another tree, and another before finally dropping to the ground.]

Laney: Wow. She didn't miss a single tree.

[Back at Tall Timbers]

Katherine Mulligan: Listen up, team, this is Katherine Mulligan with breaking news.

News Crew Member: Katherine, we know your name.

Katherine Mulligan: The swamp monster has been spotted at Short Shrub Creek. This is Katherine Mulligan saying, let's get over there!

[Everybody takes off, except Flip, who had raised his prices to five dollars a shirt, and three shirts for twenty.]

Flip: Anyone wanna give Flip a lift?! I'll give you a discount on a t-shirt, six bucks.

[The Fishmans look at this scene and Lana emerges from the lake.]

Lana: Fish fam, great news. We got those noisy TV people out of here so you can raise your babies in peace!

[Later back at home, Lana, Laney, and Hops are on the couch seeing the news about the Lake on TV.]

Katherine Mulligan: This is Katherine Mulligan coming to you live from Short Shrub Creek, where the swamp monster has recently relocated.

Lana: [To Hops] Thanks to us. [Up tops with Hops]

Katherine Mulligan: That's bad news for the mustard warehouse, because Short Shrub Creek was going to be the site of their new store.

Laney: What!?

Lana: [Unable to believe her ears] Wait, it was?

Katherine Mulligan: The good news is, now that Tall Timbers Park is swamp monster free, they'll be able to move back there, construction starts tomorrow. I'm Katherine Mulligan.

Lana: [Gasps] What have we done?! They're going right back to the Fishmans!

Laney: [smacks her forehead] AAUGH! I knew this swamp mosnter thing would lead to trouble. Why oh why do I always have to be right!? It's both a blessing and a curse...

[Lana sadly walks into her room towards her bed.]

Lana: Oh Hops, I should've listened to Mom and Dad and done things the right way. [Pulls out her phone to look at a selfie she took with the Fishmans, and notices the time.] We still have time before they turn the Fishmans' home into mustard, maybe we can still do this.

[Later, there is a knock on Mr. Grouse's door, he opens it to find Lana and Laney]

Lana: Hi, Mr. Grouse, I'm collecting signatures to stop the mustard warehouse from destroying the Fishmans' home.

Mr. Grouse: Uh, did the Fishmans try calling a lawyer?

Laney: [Exasperated] THEY'RE FISH! Why do I have to keep explaining that?! [Lana shows Mr. Grouse the selfie.]

Mr. Grouse: Well, mustard gives me the toots, so I'll sign.

Lana: [During a montage of her collecting more signatures.] A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you. A thank you.

[Eventually, she returns home where all her siblings were watching TV with their parents.]

Rita: There you are, honey. We heard from that reporter what's-her-name that they're back to paving your park again.

Lana: I know. I was out trying to get those ten thousand signatures to stop them.

Lynn Sr.: How'd it go?

Laney: We did great. But we came up ten million short...

Rita: [hugs Lana] 'I'm really sorry, sweetie, but you did everything you could.

Lana: Well, no, we... [Laney raises an eyebrow at her] Okay, I actually didn't. I tried to take a shortcut and made things worse, and by the time I decided to do it the right way, I was too late.

Lynn Sr.: Well, we're still proud that you stood up for what you believed in.

Lana: Yeah, but that doesn't do much for the Fishmans. They're still going to lose their home. [collapses on the floor and the selfie falls to the ground. Lisa takes notice of this and looks at the picture.]

Lisa: Wait a proverbial ding dang moment.

Lana: [threatingly] Lisa, if you tell me to call a lawyer, I'm going to-

Lisa: No, no, no. You don't need a lawyer or signatures. The 'Fishmans', as you so charmingly refer to them, are actually Acipenser Fulvenscens. Street name: lake sturgeon.

Leni: The Fishmans are doctors?

Lisa: [sighs] Not 'surgeon', Leni, sturgeon. Which are endangered and therefore protected.

Lana: [gets up] Wait, are you saying-

Lisa: That nobody can touch their habitat. It's a federal law.

Laney and Lana: [Hugs each other; joyfully] YAAAAAAAY!

Lisa: As you may recall, in 1973, Congress passed... [Just then, the trumpet from before can be heard playing again, dubbing over Lisa's voice, and Lana turns exhausted again. Camera zooms out to show that Luna was actually playing the trumpet over what Lisa's saying on the stairs and Lisa takes notice of this.] Luna, I'm trying to speak here.

[And so, at the Fishman's Pond, it is now in federal protection.]

Lana: See that, Fishmans? You are now federally protected, which means no one can mess with your home.

[Several fish babies swim up to their parents.]

Laney: Aww! Hello little babies.

Lana: Aunt Lana and Uncle Hops are here to babysit! You guys enjoy yourselves. A-thank you. [She walks into the pond.] You gonna join us, Laney? [Laney is sitting on a lawnchair]

Laney: No thanks. I had enough getting dirty for one day.

Lana: Suit yourself. [Dives in the water]

[Just then, Leni and Becky arrive to have a redo of their picnic.]

Leni: Are you sure this is a good idea?

Becky: Oh, Leni, come on. W-what's-her-name from the news said there hasn't been a swamp monster sighting in days!

Leni: Okay, I guess.

[They sit down to have their picnic, when suddenly they hear something coming from the pond, Lana and Hops, who are both covered in mud, come out of the pond, Lana spitting out water from her mouth, but Leni and Becky, thinking it's the swamp monster again, freaks out and run off, with Leni hitting the trees offscreen as she grunts in pain each time she hits one while Lana remains in the pond, confused.]

Laney: You really got to work on your timing, Lana.