Jacob

I'm in a dark mood when I go home, despite feeling relieved that Ana has woken up. I never expected her to react that way to Derek and not to me. The sensation of jealousy at this level is new to me, even if I don't want to admit that it's even there.

The lights in my house are on, and I remember that I've allowed Kierren to stay there. It makes me sigh to think of talking to anyone right now. However, I will put on my best Alpha face and hope that he doesn't notice.

"Evening," I call to the house at large when I walk in through the front door. The smell of steak cooking is hanging in the air and I realize how hungry I am.

"You should really try to work on your sneakiness," Kierren appears in the hallway, wearing an apron that I don't recognize. "I could tell that you were coming from a mile away."

"I wasn't paying attention," I shrug. "This is my town, I don't care who notices me."

"Oh, boy, someone's in an awful mood," Kierren teases, ignoring my frown. "I'm making dinner, anyway. I heard Ana woke up, so I want to go see her tomorrow. Is that why you're so down?"

"She doesn't know me, and I think she's attracted to my Beta," I admit without meaning to. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that she's awake, it's -"

"Just not what you expected?" Kierren finishes as he walks back into the kitchen. I follow him dejectedly. "You've got to have some patience. She literally just woke up from a nearly week-long coma."

I know that he's right, but the whole situation makes me feel like I am losing the last connection to a happy past. It is so distant from us now, but something that I want to share with her, not live with on my own.

Maybe I am being selfish, and I should let her be happy. But she was so happy with me before the fire. I am furious at myself that I've decided to admit my feelings to myself when it was too late.

"Anyway, I have a good feeling her memories will come back," Kierren says as he resumes working on the steaks. It looks like he has been prepared for me to return, since he's making two. "You just need to wait."

"What if they don't?" I ask, sitting down at the table in the middle of the room. "What if she never remembers, and I have to live without her?"

"Then you accept it." Kierren is taking no prisoners this evening. "Whatever happens, you let her live the way she wants to, and you never tell her things she no longer knows. She's suffered enough."

My wolf fights against what he says, but I know that he's right. I want Ana to be happy, but I still want to try and help her remember. If I can jog her memory, I know that she will see me with the eyes that looked at me when she knotted my tie.

"I hope you don't plan on going back tonight," Kierren continues, turning to point at me with the spatula. "You don't want to put too much pressure on her."

"I want to be at her side," I answer seriously. "I can't let her be there alone."

"She'll be sleeping for most of it." Kierren turns back to his cooking. "Besides, she'll think you're a creepy stalker if she doesn't understand why you feel this way. You might ruin any chances you have, especially if her memory does not come back."

"Then what do you suggest?" I feel frustrated, to the point of exasperation. "I can't leave her alone forever. I want to talk to her."

"At least wait until tomorrow. Clean yourself up, become presentable, rest." Kierren takes one of the steaks out of the pan and slaps it onto a plate. It's fairly huge. "Eat breakfast, call the doctor to see if she's awake. Clear your head and think this through. Then, maybe, you can go."

I don't answer. He's right. I'm exhausted, and I'm being both a terrible friend and a terrible leader. If another pack attacks us now, we'd be in trouble. I have to think of my duty, and stop being selfish, no matter how hard it is.

"Fine, I'll see her tomorrow," I relent as Kierren places the steak in front of me. My mouth waters and my stomach rumbles. It makes me realize just how hungry I actually am.

"Good choice." Kierren nods as he comes to sit across from me at the table. "Now, finish up, clean yourself, and go to bed."

He sounds so much like my father that it almost makes me laugh. Sometimes I forget that, despite my rank, I am much younger than the other Alphas around here. Perhaps they all see me as a young boy still needing guidance, unlike the people in my own pack who have seen me prove myself.

I eat the steak without complaint anyway. It's not really a hill to die on to argue with him now. Besides, I am exhausted, and Ana is out of danger. I can wait to see her, even if I want to be selfish and spend the night at her side.

After dinner, I head upstairs to take a shower. The hot water is soothing, and I spend most of the time in it thinking about my plan.

I'm going to try to jog her memory without traumatizing her. If it doesn't work, then I will back down, but I'm not sure if I can watch her be with Derek after everything we've been through. I might have to ask him to take her to Kierren's pack, where she could become the Alpha one day.

Maybe that's too much. I'm thinking too much.

I dry myself off after getting out of the shower and try to go to bed. It's at least two hours before I fall asleep, and I wake up again before the sun is completely past the horizon.

At this point, I find Kierren in the kitchen, already preparing breakfast. I'm almost annoyed by how parent-like he is being, but I decide to remain patient. He's trying to help.

"I'm going to visit with her this afternoon, if you don't mind," he says, and places a plate in front of me. "I suggest you wait at least another hour, too."

"You think I'm in too much of a hurry?" I answer, scarfing down the food as if I haven't eaten in weeks.

"A bit." Kierren raises his eyebrow at me. "But if you really think that you can't wait, then go. I won't keep you here."

"I can't take this, I'm sorry," I say honestly, and leap up from the table. Outside, my truck is standing in the driveway. Kierren must have organized to get it back here after the fire.

While I drive, I wonder what I'm going to say. Perhaps she's already gotten her memories back, and I'm worried for nothing. That's wishful thinking, of course. I only hope that I don't run into Derek there.

I reach the Healer's clinic and park my car, before I march inside purposefully. No one stops me, nor would they ever dare. But when I am standing outside her room, I find myself feeling a pit in my stomach.

I wait for another minute before I build my courage enough to open the door. Ana is awake, and eating breakfast. I am astonished that she is as mobile as she is, considering the condition she was in.

"Alpha Jacob?" She says questioningly, clearly puzzled that I am there.

"You know my name?" I wonder if she's gotten her memory back. I didn't tell her what it was the previous day.

"Mm, Derek told me." Her answer immediately shatters that hope. "Why are you here again? Surely I cannot be this important."

I want to tell her that she has no idea, but I didn't expect that her cold distance would affect me this much. I am fighting just to keep my composure.

"Well, you are," I say, swallowing. "You really don't remember?"

She rolls her eyes. "I'm sorry if I'm being disrespectful, but asking me if I remember over and over isn't going to help me. You did that yesterday too."

If it were anyone else, I would have chastised them for their tone. But I can't do that to her. It's how she's spoken to me for most of her life.

"Sorry." I feel really awkward now, and I don't really know how to save this situation without dumping our entire life story on her. "Can I sit next to you?"

"If you don't have anything better to do, I guess so." Ana shrugs, and continues to eat her breakfast. "I mean, thank you for coming, really, I guess it shows you care about your people. But I'm really alright now, you don't have to keep checking up on me."

I go to sit in the chair stubbornly anyway, hoping that my presence will be enough to trigger something eventually. "I'm not checking up on you, I want to spend time with you."

She looks at me like that's a weird thing to say, and I clamp my jaw shut.

For a while, we simply sit there in an uncomfortable silence. Ana finishes her meal and pushes the table aside, and finally looks at me again.

"Is there some little detail you're not telling me? Do you feel guilty or something?" She asks, this time less rudely and more from genuine interest. "Because you really don't have to. I know this isn't your fault. I mean, why would you set me on fire? You can't protect the whole town from everything all the time."

I realize that she's trying to make me feel better, but her words are only achieving the opposite.

"Maybe that is it," I lie. "Actually, no, it isn't. Ana, we're actually really close, you and I. We've been friends forever. This is really difficult for me."

She frowns at me, as if she finds it all hard to believe. Before she can answer, the door swings open.

Derek walks in with a bright smile and a takeaway coffee in one hand. "Morning, you pretty thing!"

"Hello to you too," I say, and get up from the chair. I instantly notice the change in Ana's demeanor. That cold distance has warped into a welcoming warmth in her eyes, and it is a dagger to my soul.

"Ah, Jacob, what's up?" Derek walks past me, and leans down to hug Ana, who returns it happily.

The knot in my stomach is pulling into an impossible void. "I have to go."

I storm off, not thinking about how she's going to interpret that. I saw the way she looked at Derek. It was the way she used to look at me, when I didn't appreciate her. I don't deserve her, I know that. I've been shoving her away, and now I've gotten what I wanted before.

What I thought I wanted, at any rate. Now, it's a crushing, sinking feeling that threatens to drag me into despair.

The halls of the Healer's clinic melt into one as the past comes hurtling over me. I blamed her for so long, for something that she didn't deserve the blame for. I let her down when she needed me the most.

I wasn't the one who saved her, and I am not the one that she wants now. I am finally getting what has been coming for me for so long. I pushed her away, and I didn't realize what I was doing until it was too late.

I don't want to admit it, but I think I'm finally realizing that I might have lost her forever.