Densetsu no Hentai

Another comedic chapter. I had fun writing it. Not really connected to plot progression, just a way to have a little fun. A sort of long AN at the bottom.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything I make references to. This is a work of fanfiction that I make no money from.

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Sarutobi Hiruzen felt a headache build up as he absorbed the spectacle that was in front of him.

Naruto, Sasuke, and Shikamaru were standing in front of him, covered in excrement, and sported an assortment of injuries, Naruto specifically having several healed claw marks, multiple slashes in his clothes, and based on the baring of his teeth, multiple partially regrown ones.

The injuries weren't the only things Naruto had a near monopoly on. He was also without pants and his shirt was hanging on by threads.

Hiruzen was avoiding breathing out of his nose due to the absolutely rancid oder emanating from the three boys.

"So," He began, glancing towards Naruto, "Care to explain what happened?"

Naruto jerked his head towards one of the 5 ANBU that were in the room, Rat specifically, Turtle being his second in command, and gave him a look of lividity.

"Splinter," He growled, Hiruzen could count at least 4 missing teeth, "And fucking Raphael," He glared at Turtle, "Are the dumbest sons of bitches that Konoha ever produced."

Hiruzen sighed at the wording used, accustomed to Naruto's brand of profanity.

"Actually," Naruto said suddenly, turning to Sasuke, "You're the numbnuts that blew us up."

Sasuke glared at Naruto and got in his face. "How the hell was I supposed to know what would happen if I used a fireball?"

"Every self respecting guy knows farts are flammable," Naruto said, pushing his forehead into Sasuke's, "We were in a sewer, dipshit. Nothing but shit and dead rats."

"You forgot the leaves." Shikamaru added in.

Naruto and Sasuke both looked at Shikamaru and said the same thing.

"Shut up!"

Shikamaru snorted and looked away, muttering "Troublesome" under his breath.

"Crisco fired a wind Jutsu and you had the novel idea to use fire."

'What does 'Crisco' mean?' Hiruzen thought, glancing towards the ANBU.

The Akamichi ANBU, being one of the three rookie ANBU, stepped forward and glared at Naruto.

"The hell does that mean?" He demanded, assuming it was an insult in Naruto and Rin's language.

"Lardass." Naruto shrugged, flipping him off.

The Akamichi growled and cupped his own crotch.

"Suck my chicken." He said, thrusting forward slightly.

Naruto scoffed and glanced downward. "That's rich comin from someone who hasn't seen their own pecker since they was a baby." He said without missing a beat, fixing a glare at the Akamichi.

The Akamichi raised his Killing Intent and prepared to charge Naruto, but was stopped by Rat stepping forward.

"Stop." He ordered, grabbing the larger man's shoulder, "He wants you pissed."

"Come on, let the big boy have at me," Naruto said, raising both his hands in a 'come hither' gesture, "Never fought a reject sumo wrestler before today."

'Naruto is obviously irate if he's insulting him with every sentence.' Hiruzen thought, deciding he'd step in to stop it, but not until he heard a couple more creative insults.

"I'm gonna kill him." The Akamichi growled, glaring at his superior for restraining him.

"You couldn't catch me if I had both my legs broken," Naruto stated, patting his stomach, "I know 5 fat people, Akamichi, and you're 4 of them."

Said man broke free and prepared to charge at Naruto, but froze when Hiruzen rose to his feet and projected his chakra at its fullest.

"Stand down!" He shouted, seeing everyone freeze.

The ANBU froze and shook slightly, Shikamaru and Sasuke widened their eyes and were shaking more visibly, while Naruto only showed a slight tightening in his posture and a slight widening of his eyes, but the look in his eyes showed that it was being felt harshly with his sensing.

"Now," Hiruzen said steadily, reigning in his chakra, "As amusing as this has been, as the Hokage of this village, I would like to know why I have received reports of saboteurs being located in our sewers, that turned out to be you three," He pointed at the three genin, "a genin is in the hospital with bruising and a few fractured bones, multiple complaints from the hot springs of how perverts," He stressed the word, "Collapsed the floor of the spring while they were bathing and promptly chased said perverts around the village, capturing one temporarily," He looked at a now very pale Naruto, "And finally," He started breathing heavily, "Why did my toilet explode... While I was sitting on it!?" He raised his voice at the last part.

Naruto cleared his throat and stepped forward a bit.

"It started out as the D-rank I received yesterday." Naruto said, looking at him.

Hiruzen dropped his head in his hands and growled irritably.

'Of course the punishment for him caused this.' He thought.

"And how did it turn into this?" Hiruzen gestured towards the entire room.

Naruto took a deep breath and relaxed his shoulders slightly.

"It started this morning."

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Naruto POV:

The BS D-rank was today, my entire day likely shot because of it.

I know I was picked for this because it would take an annoyingly long time for me to do it in comparison to any Hyuga.

Searching for and clearing out a blockage would be child's play for Gai's team by merit of Neji.

I'd already tried to beseech Hinata for help, a prompt refusal was the answer once she forced me to give the details of the mission. Neji was an absolute bitch about it and told me to basically fuck off in the most arrogant and conceited way possible when I asked him, offering ideas on how to use certain Jutsu was rejected. I wish he'd accepted just so I could see the look on his face when I basically offer a way to create a shield around him, basically being the Kaiten. With the knowledge of the Rasengan, you could technically reverse engineer how the Kaiten worked and vice versa, one being a defensive application with the other being offensive.

But I failed to get a Byakugan user to help me find anything, so I decided I'd still try for some company.

I made a clone just a minute ago to get Shikamaru, telling the clone to use its imagination on getting him here.

Currently, I was on my way to Sasuke's as I thought of this.

Getting to the front door of his house, I knocked on the door, sensing him inside, probably sitting down waiting for me, as I gave him a heads up that I'd be coming to his house today.

He opened the door and gave me a nod, stepping out of his house and closing the door.

"Naruto." He nodded.

"Sasuke." I replied, turning around to leave and gesturing for him to follow me.

Sasuke followed my lead and walked right beside me, scratching at the side of his head.

"What Jutsu do I get out of this?" He asked.

Sasuke was pissed when I told him what the mission was after the fact, which I could understand since it did involve sifting through a sewer to find a blockage, even if we can water walk.

Turning to him, but still maintaining my pace, I fixed him with a stern look.

"If I show you Kage bunshin, you will only use how many Kakashi say is safe, understand?"

Sasuke nodded his affirmative, giving a slight 'Hn' as well.

"Good," I said, turning to look forward, "I have no concept of the limits on normal people."

I heard Sasuke scoff at what I said. "I don't know how you could make something sound that arrogant, but mean nothing by it." He said, shaking his head slightly.

"It's just a statement of fact," I shrugged, "Injuries have a different context to me and Rin."

"I noticed that," Sasuke said, frowning somewhat, "I cut Rin in a spar and it was gone in a couple of minutes."

"You have the eyes of God, and we have his body." I said cryptically, passing it off as a figure of speech, "You'll never match our physical ceiling and we can't replicate the Sharingan."

Sasuke got quiet for a moment, the only sound being our footsteps and the typical hustle and bustle of Konoha on a weekend at 7:45 in the morning.

"Question," He said after a few minutes, "Why do you cook your guys' food instead of Rin?"

I glanced towards him with a raised brow. "A bit out of the blue, isn't it?"

"I know," He said, "But Rin mentioned again yesterday, after you left Ichiraku's, how the only food she thought was better than ramen was anything you fixed. She also refused to actually fix anything when Kakashi made us do that stupid grocery shopping."

I smiled at that.

"She managed to burn water when she tried to cook." I said simply, looking at Sasuke with a serious expression.

Sasuke surprised me by actually chuckling at what I said.

"She must hate that."

"You have no idea." I snickered, remembering how competitive Rin could get.

We got to our designated location and I saw a sign on the maintenance hole for the sign.

'The only hole you're ever getting.

Inu.'

"Jackass." I muttered, ripping down the sign and crumbling it.

I ignored the intake of breath from Sasuke indicating he found it very amusing.

I inspected the manhole cover and saw a storage scroll on it that felt like Kakashi's chakra was on it. I pressed my finger against it and pulsed some chakra into it, feeling the scroll pop open.

Out came about a half dozen pairs of rubber overalls of various sizes, another note that said, "They didn't have the right sizes," on it.

Sasuke looked like he was seriously doubting the choice he made on helping me.

"Am I going to be the only one helping you?" He asked irritably, stuffing his hands in his pockets and glaring at nothing in particular.

I rolled my eyes at his sulking and started sifting through the overalls for the closest size that fit me.

"Shika's going to be here in a few minutes." I said, having gotten the memories from my bastard clone. "What size are you?" I asked, glancing at his waist.

"Probably one less than you." Sasuke said, looking at something.

I followed his view and saw what he was looking at, a rather attractive blonde woman probably around twenty, wearing a blue dress with a knee length skirt.

"Definitely not an Uke." I muttered, a grin on my face.

Sasuke flinched visibly and glared at me voicing that out loud.

"No shame in it," I said, grabbing the pair that would fit me best, still being too big, "Appreciating a well put together woman."

Sasuke scoffed and didn't give a response, not looking at me.

Chuckling at his immaturity, I tossed a pair towards him.

"Put those on just in case." I said, kicking my shoes off and putting mine on.

Sasuke stared at the unflattering pair of clothing, shrugged, and put it on.

Shikamaru showed up a few minutes later and was giving me a look of anger.

"Why'd you send a bunshin to harass me before 8?" He nearly demanded, visibly slouching.

Peering around to see how the area around us was cordoned off with "Maintenance underway" signs around us to keep the civis from screwing around and getting injured, I turned back to Shikamaru.

"I need a Nara since none of the Hyuga deigned themselves on our level to search for a clog in the drainage." I said, repeating what my clone said to Shikamaru.

"I should just go back to sleep." Shikamaru grumbled, glaring at me.

"I'll wax poetic, Henged as Asuma, how you did such a hard and difficult job for a friend to your mom." I offered, seeing Shikamaru's interest be piqued.

Shikamaru thought for moment, a contemplative look on his face, which turned into a nod of acceptance.

"Fine, but why a Nara?" He asked, looking genuinely confused.

"You can feel what's touching your shadow, right?" I raised a brow, knowing it was likely possible what my theory was.

"Yes." Shikamaru said simply, his look showing he knew it was a leading question.

"What can you feel when the entire underground is a shadow?"

Shikamaru raised his brows in surprise, blinking multiple times.

"How would you think of that?"

"That's how my sensing can stretch out when I ping my chakra through water." I shrugged, being truthful with what I thought about the Nara.

If it was possible to use the shadow technique like a sensing ability, the Nara would have done it already, which looked to be the case based on how Shikamaru reacted.

Shikamaru shook his head and groaned under his breath.

"Ever since I started talking with you, you've made my life troublesome."

"It was troublesome the day you came out of the womb." I countered, rolling my eyes at him being dramatic.

"Let's just get on with it." Sasuke said, frowning at the both of us, "I want this over with and quick."

I gave him a thumbs up and went to the maintenance cover and tried to lift it up, growling at not getting my fingers under it.

"Shika," I said, not turning around, "You mind lifting this with your shadow slightly?"

Shikamaru evidently did because I felt his shadow creep up on me and lift the lid slightly, letting me pop it open. The smell that came up wasn't pleasant at all.

"Who's going in first?" I asked, looking at Sasuke.

Sasuke glanced at Shikamaru and grinned slightly.

I found out why he grinned when I felt Shikamaru's shadow push me forward.

"The fuck," I managed to say, before falling down the hole and into the sewer.

I pushed chakra into my hands and knees to stop from sinking into the standing water, hitting it with a wet slap sound.

"You alive down there?" I heard Sasuke call down.

"No," I shouted sarcastically, "I got eaten by a sewer monster and my ghost is speaking. Get your asses down here!"

I pressed my finger to the top of the water and pushed chakra into it, shivering in disgust at what I was feeling.

I held back, but still felt all the water in a 30 yard radius, including everything that was in it.

"Definitely backed up." I muttered, feeling literal shit in the water.

The water was also at least 2 feet above what it should be.

Sasuke came down first and simply jumped down and channeled chakra into his legs, standing on the water like I was.

I glared at Shikamaru as he came down, using the ladder and taking his time.

I flipped him off when he looked at me, a grin on his face.

"You and Rin like my shadow, don't you?" He snickered.

"Not as much as your Mom likes it from your Dad." I countered, grinning at the look of disgust on his face.

"Stop making jokes like that," He grumbled, "I don't want to think of that."

'Then don't push me into a pile of scummy water.'

"In my defense, you're clan isn't the only one I make shitty jokes about. Now c'mon, let's look for the damn blockage." I then made multiple clones and had them start laying out wire that I took from my pocket, tossing it to a clone.

'The legend of Ariadne's string is what's going to stop us from getting lost.' I thought, watching the clones do their work.

Sasuke looked at the clones and his face twisted into aggravation. "You could have just made a hundred clones to find the blockage!"

"Kakashi said I had to be here personally." I shrugged, remembering the wording of the orders.

"Then why'd you get us to help?" He gestured towards himself and Shikamaru.

"I want to talk with my friends." I said, hearing Sasuke's scowl noise echo down the tunnel.

Funny thing about Sasuke was that he made a distinct sound when he was irritated enough to not give a 'hn', but more growling sound.

"You're an absolute idiot." Sasuke grumbled, looking affronted by my answer.

"You want a jutsu or not?" I asked, then turning to Shikamaru, "And do you want to have your mom stop pestering you?"

Both of them got quiet at what I pointed out to them.

"Fine," Shikamaru grumbled, "But why don't you speed this up by pinging the water like you said you could?" He pointed out.

I scowled at the question."I don't like feeling shit floating in the water."

"Fair enough."

"Now come on," I said, turning to look around, "Let's find the blockage."

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Sasuke POV:

Sasuke was seriously doubting the deal he made was a good one as he was listening to Naruto's bunshin singing in a different language that kept echoing through the tunnels in an ear aching, chaotic symphony.

"Heroes in a half-shell."

"Turtle Power!" Naruto shouted back at the bunshin down the corridor, going back to whistling a tune.

Sasuke groaned under his breath and glanced at Shikamaru, who seemed to be resigned to it.

Naruto abruptly stopped humming after he rounded a corner.

"Found it." He heard him shout, leaning around the corner and signaling for them to follow him.

Sasuke and Shikamaru looked at each momentarily and seemed to come to the same conclusion.

"This is too easy," Sasuke said quietly, glancing at where Naruto was scrunching his face and seeming to ghost his hands around the massive blockage of debris in the drainage pipe, "Everything involving Naruto goes badly."

Shikamaru looked resigned to that and shook his head. "I hope he was joking about the sewer monster."

"Shika," Naruto said suddenly, "Can you try and feel past the blockage? There's nothing behind it and I can't feel as well."

Sasuke saw Shikamaru nod and make a hand seal, seeing his shadow shoot forward and under the blockage.

'Something is going to go bad.' Sasuke thought to himself. 'Mayhem and Chaos follow Naruto, and we're underground and surrounded by shit.'

Shikamaru tensed his face as his shadow stretched underneath the blockage and he felt around.

"I can't lift it," He said tightly, retracting his shadow, "The ground feels damp, but hardly any water."

"Makes sense why I couldn't feel much." Naruto mused, rubbing his chin in thought.

All three of them, probably the smartest in their year, if not generation, started thinking of a solution to the problem.

Sasuke cleared his throat to get the others' attention when he thought of an idea.

"What Jutsu can be used to clear it out?" Sasuke asked, "Water's probably a bad idea, based on how high the water already is, and you won't be able to keep it confined." He pointed out, knowing Naruto overcharged anything he used.

"I could probably just use the standing water and fling it, breaking it apart." He countered.

"We won't have anywhere to stand that's stable." Sasuke rolled his eyes, annoyed by having to point out the obvious fact that they were standing on said water.

"We're Ninjas, are we not," Shikamaru said flatly, stepping towards the wall of the tunnel and sticking to it, walking to the top.

Naruto face palmed and scowled. "Smartest people our age," He gestured towards himself and Sasuke, "And it takes the lazy one to figure it out. Kami, we're idiots."

Sasuke pivoted on his heel and walked towards the wall, scaling it and standing next to Shikamaru, followed swiftly by Naruto.

Naruto looked towards them, his hair hanging down from the gravity and almost looking like several tails, grinning toothily.

"I'll treat you guys to breakfast," He promised, "Thanks for the help."

He then began concentrating and made a few hand seals slowly. Right as he looked like he was about to use the Jutsu, he gasped and slipped, falling down and into the water.

Sasuke turned to Shikamaru, cracking a look of surprise. The two paused, before laughing at the same time, jumping down to prevent from falling as well.

Naruto rose out of the water, soaking wet with his hair clinging to his face, him pushing it back.

Sasuke kept laughing and approached him, his face betraying how hilarious he found it.

"You should see how you loo-" he tried to say, but was stopped when Naruto rushed to him and closed his mouth forcefully.

"My bunshin was killed." He growled under his breath, his hand clamped over Sasuke's mouth.

Sasuke shoved him off of him with difficulty, but managed.

Shikamaru's eyes widened and turned sharply to where their backs were facing, kunai drawn.

Sasuke also drew a kunai and activated his Sharingan, gazing into the darkness.

He heard Naruto make several bunshin and sent them forward to search for what killed the bunshin.

"Suppressed chakra," Naruto said to the two of them, "Trained in assassination. This is bad. Probably infiltrators. We have to get out of here."

"How'd the bunshin die?" Sasuke asked quietly, his grip tightening on the kunai.

"Slit throat." Was the reply.

Sasuke felt his heartbeat quicken, adrenaline flooding his veins.

He wasn't going to die in a Kami forsaken sewer, nor was he letting his friend die.

////////////

'I need to take point.' I thought, gazing at Sasuke and Shikamaru.

"I'll take lead," I muttered, stepping forward, cursing that I didn't have my sword on me, "I could heal from a hit, but we don't have an Iryo-nin on hand for you two."

The two nodded and remained on guard.

"Stick together and we'll make it out," I assured them, drawing a kunai because a chakra blade would show where I'm at from the glow.

My clones had been ordered to be in different positions to cover our retreat, each working in groups of three with a Henge disguised to look like Shikamaru and Sasuke.

"Steady." I whispered, taking small, quiet steps, my sensing stretched out.

These were near ANBU level, at least three based on the faint chakra outlines I'd catch in my peripheral.

Each step I made was matched by Sasuke and Shikamaru, each of us maintaining formation.

"To the top." I ordered, pointing up to the wall.

The two of them scaled the sides of the tunnel and got to the top, looking slightly confused that I didn't follow. I simply stretched out my arm and let some of the water covering me drip down, pointing to my ear.

I'd give their position away from sound. I could afford to be on my own, but they couldn't.

If push came to shove, I'll be the distraction to get them out. I could handle this better than they could, mainly because I had clones.

I signaled them to keep pace with me, making two clones Henged as them.

I moved forward, turning to follow the wire. I got to a certain point and saw the wire was cut.

'Damnit.' I thought, trying to think of where we were.

A clone squad evidently caught something coming towards me because they all popped, alerting me.

I got it right before I heard the muffled steps.

"Contact, right!" I shouted, swinging my kunai forward.

I saw sparks as an armoured ANBU swung a sword down to block my attack.

I switched with the clone Henged as Sasuke and sprinted down the corridor, making several clones with orders to make as much noise as possible.

"Shika, Sasuke, haul ass!" I shouted, jumping to the ceiling, sticking to it, and running as fast as I could.

The two were trailing behind me only a few feet, motivated to not get left behind.

I turned to the left and saw 4 ANBU lookalikes in a ready position, two of them flinging kunai and shuriken at us. We dropped from the ceiling to avoid them and kept our distance, eying our opponents.

We were cloaked in shadow from the way the lighting was, but I could see them a little better than they could see us.

"Make a break for it when I give the signal." I muttered, glancing at Sasuke.

He barely nodded his understanding when I gave the signal.

I made two hand seals and pushed my chakra into the standing water. The Jutsu I used was one of my own making, a high C-rank to low B-rank, based upon the chakra used.

Suiton: Kitsune Tsume. (Fox claw)

Unimaginative name it may be, but it was more focused than Teppodama.

A paw shaped water construct shot forward towards the "ANBU", the one that was probably the most experienced weaved hand seals and managed to make a Mud Wall under the water.

The claw tore into the wall, but the wall held barely.

"Now!" I shouted to the two, me shooting forward, making a Chidori and barreling into the cracked wall.

I barely registered that Sasuke and Shikamaru reached the maintenance hole and got out by the time my hand exploded the wall, me landing right in front of the "ANBU".

I made a chakra blade in my right hand and clashed with the Rat masked one, the man wielding a wakizashi.

I felt my clones blitz towards me from them hearing the sound of fighting.

The other ANBU saw the clones and charged them, leaving me to fight against only one.

I pulled back my blade and stabbed at his chest, followed up by several slashes and kicks.

My opponent retreated swiftly under my attacks and seemed to stiffen slightly.

"Uzumaki!" He shouted, blocking my last strike and lifting his off hand up in a sign of surrender.

I paused for a moment, my blade just a foot away from his chest.

Blinking, I eyed his uniform.

It was exactly the same as Konoha ANBU, down to the notch put in the bracer for each mission completed with no injury or death, something that Kakashi told me.

'Oh...Shit.' I thought frantically. 'We attacked actual fucking ANBU...and beat them.'

The fact that Sasuke and Shikamaru got away was an accomplishment, even if I was the big reason.

I twitched my hand and stopped feeding chakra into my blade, letting it disappear. I stepped back and made a quick hand seal, making a clone and stabbing it with my kunai to relay a message to all my clones to pop now.

I felt them disappear and give me feedback, my eye twitching from the slight prodding in my head.

The other ANBU looked confused for a moment, their enemies seeming to vanish, but turned to see their likely superior standing in front of me.

"Stand down, men," He said, looking at me with his head tilted, "It's Uzumaki."

I heard one grumble behind me, but they approached me and Rat calmly.

"Sorry about that, kid," Rat said, scratching the back of his neck, "Me and Turtle were training some new rookies to show em the ropes on how to navigate the sewers."

Scowling, I pushed my hair back out of my face, the exchange with Rat making it fall forward. "Which dumbass cut my bunshin's throat?" I demanded, not caring that they were ANBU right now.

I heard Rat grumble under his breath and press his radio. "Number 3, get your ass to the maintenance point. False alarm."

Several seconds later, I heard soft splash sounds from footsteps on the water, the fifth member appearing.

He looked to be an Akamichi, based on his stocky build. His chakra wasn't as seamlessly suppressed as Rat and Turtle were, pointing to him being a rookie like Rat pointed out.

He got to us and I could feel his gaze on me.

"3," Rat said sternly, grabbing the man's attention, "Why did you disobey orders and attack the bunshin?"

"I thought it was an enemy and I saw an opening." he shrugged, evidently not caring that he tried to "Kill me".

Deciding to be an ass, I fixed him with a glare. "You realize what I am, right?" I tapped my stomach audibly.

Rat and Turtle sharply turned towards me, on guard like they thought I was going to attack him.

"Yes." He said, giving me an odd look.

"What if that wasn't a bunshin? Do you really want to test what happens when you land a lethal hit on a Jinchuriki? Foxy-kun doesn't like dying."

The three rookies shivered at the thought.

"I," He stuttered, "I didn't realize-"

"Live and learn," I waved it off, "No one got hurt. You just scared the shit out of me."

I then realized that Sasuke and Shikamaru thought I was trapped down here.

"We need to tell my friends that everything's fine." I said quickly, looking at Rat.

Rat understood and signaled the others to get to the top, but Fate had different plans.

I was the closest to the maintenance hole, I saw a green blur and barely got my arm up in time to block the hit. I probably stopped my face from shattering, instead feeling my hand break and getting flung probably 50 yards back, skipping like a rock on the water, finally hitting the wall. My mind finally caught up with what words I'd heard before I got my bell rung as I sank into the water.

Dynamic entry.

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"So that's when Gai's team arrived?" Hiruzen asked, shaking his head.

"I wasn't able to tell them it was a misunderstanding until Gai had already started chasing them, and Lee opened a couple Gates to follow up where Gai hit me." Naruto said, fishing around in his mouth, spitting out what looked like a tooth shard.

Hiruzen groaned audibly, understanding why Gai was inconsolable and refused to leave the hospital. The technique he taught Lee was what left him in the hospital, even if he'd be fine within a few days, the micro fractures being the main issue.

"Go on." Hiruzen gestured to Naruto.

//////////////////

My head was ringing and my face and hand were burning like something shattered. I couldn't even shout because my jaw wouldn't work.

I heard shouting and chakra flaring, before it disappeared down a corridor.

I grabbed my jaw and forced it back in place, groaning in pain.

I jumped up and tried to shout for them to stop, but another green blur shot towards me, sending a kick towards me.

Lee.

I caught his kick and flung him into a wall, pushing lightning chakra into my brain to slow things down.

I'd constantly been training it since I used it combat effectively against Zabuza, but it was still a work in progress.

Tenten had several kunai ready to throw at me and Neji was fast approaching to aid Lee.

"Guys, it's me!" I tried to shout, but my voice came out slurred.

Several of my teeth were broken when Gai hit me, screwing up my pronunciation.

I Shunshined at Neji and started trading punches with him, leaning back almost flat to the ground when Lee charged from behind and swung a kick at the back of my head.

I leaned upward and punched Lee in the head, knocking him to the ground and twisting to check Neji's forearm to stop him from finger stabbing my throat.

Tenten wasn't throwing anything at me because Neji was right next to me, but that could change.

Neji kept trying to hit me with Juken strikes, but I kept pushing them aside and backing up.

"Neji, it's me, Naruto." I tried to say, but he wasn't listening.

'Screw you too.' I thought, channeling chakra into my fist and meeting his Juken strike with my chakra enhanced fist.

I felt the tenketsu in my hand close partially, but I felt his fingers bend backwards unnaturally far from my hit.

He growled in pain and wasn't prepared for me sticking my off hand to his hair and throwing him by his hair away from me, a sickening crack sound echoing out when his head struck the wall.

My mind was racing as Neji started sinking into the water.

Did I knock him out? I thought worriedly, seeing Lee grab Neji and pull him up.

I could feel Gai, Sasuke, and Shikamaru pursuing the ANBU, the echo of punches and kicks sounding out through the tunnels.

Lee avoided me and dragged Neji towards Tenten, setting him to the side away from the water level.

"Guys, it's me, Naruto." I said, holding up my hands.

"Naruto has red hair!" Lee shouted, setting a ready stance.

I was completely lost on what he was talking about, grabbing at my hair.

I ended up gagging when I realized why they didn't believe me.

There was shit smeared in my hair, combined with a fucked up set of chompers.

"Lee." I said, but felt his chakra begin frothing.

It felt just like what Gai's when he opened the first Gate.

I threw caution to the wind and Shunshined straight at him, trying to stop him.

I felt a blast of chakra right as I reached him, my punch being stopped by him catching it.

"I will make you tell me where Naruto is!" He shouted, surrounded by chakra, "My youth burns hot!" His kick to my ribs knocked me back and he pressed against my guard, his punches and kicks coming quick and with force.

A flurry of kicks smashed into my forearms, the last one getting stuck to my arm when I used chakra to stick it to my palm.

I probably burnt his leg slightly from the chakra I was using to stop his chakra halo from pushing it off from him opening the first Gate.

He didn't expect to get his leg caught and tried to punch at my head, me ducking under it and doing something that disgusted me.

With his leg still stuck to my hand, I punched him in the side of the knee and I felt it dislocate.

I heard him let out a squeak and fell to the ground, gasping for air and clutching his leg, trying to force it back in place.

'I'm sorry, Lee.'

I turned to Tenten, who was guarding Neji, the boy looked conscious, but completely out of it.

Tenten started flinging kunai at me, which I dodged all of them, but caught the last and flung it back at her with a little heat behind it, lightning added for no other reason to make it crackle audibly.

She pulled out a sword and deflected it away from her.

Trying for a distraction, I made a hand seal and fired a Teppodama at Tenten, turned and Shunshined away before Lee could recover, trying to find Gai.

"Gai!" I shouted, sprinting and making several dozen clones to try and find him, "They're Konoha ANBU!"

I rounded the corner and saw Gai taking on 4 of the ANBU and was kicking their asses without using the Gates.

Gai saw me and widened his eyes, dashing away from his opponents.

I looked to where I sensed Sasuke and Shikamaru, the two fighting the Akamichi ANBU.

The ANBU was trying to back away, not wanting to hurt them.

The ANBU jumped back and fired a wind jutsu at the two of them, Sasuke retaliating with a jutsu of his own.

I felt and recognized what Sasuke used.

"No!" I shouted, seeing the fireball seem to go in slow motion.

The two Jutsu hit and there was a collosal rush of wind, a deafening explosion following, that blasted us all in different directions, me getting blasted into a wall, then sinking into the scummy water again

When I pulled myself up, ears ringing, I saw that the tunnel was caved in, hot water flooding down into the tunnel from the surface.

Shaking my head to clear my vision, I saw that the entire area was smeared in shit, the air reaking of burnt excrement.

Staggering to my feet, I saw Gai and the ANBU get up, Gai clutching his head and trying to apologize to the ANBU.

"I'm sorry," He groaned, shaking his head, "Young Sasuke and Shikamaru said that their comrade was attacked by infiltrators."

I saw Shikamaru and Sasuke get up, Sasuke having his clothes scorched from the fireball.

I staggered to Gai and tried to speak, coughing slightly. "Neji was knocked out and Lee opened a Gate." I said, massaging my jaw where Gai hit me.

Gai nodded tightly, looking at me apologetically.

My head turned sharply when I felt a massive blast of chakra where Gai's team was at, seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking back, I don't know what I was thinking when I sped up my mind and shot forward, trying to find out what it was.

Lee evidently opened more Gates and shot down the corridor, me running straight at him.

We made contact and I was sent flying back from the momentum of his kick, going airborne upward into the broken part of the tunnel.

'Am I dead?' I thought, gazing on a sight I never expected to see.

Several naked women were surrounding me, all wet and shocked at my presence.

I'd smashed head first into the weaker section of where the tunnel had partially collapsed and evidently ended up inside the women's section of the hot springs.

'I'm fucked.' I thought, realizing that I recognized most of them as kunoichi based upon their musculature.

"Pervert!" I heard one scream, recognizing her.

'Is that Kiba's older sister? Man, she's hot.'

Those thoughts ground to a halt when I felt her heel smash into my balls.

I gasped and started screaming, cupping my genitals and trying to crawl away, more kicks and stomps reining down on me.

I dragged myself to the hole I'd entered the hot springs through and tried to crawl through it to get away. I got my arms and my upper chest through, spotting the ANBU, Gai, Sasuke, and Shikamaru.

"Help me!" I shouted desperately, feeling several pair of hands grab my legs and try and pull me back.

All of them looked on in horror as I slowly began to lose the battle and was being pulled back little by little.

"I'm sorry, Naruto," Gai nearly wept, rushing towards Lee and the direction towards his team, "I must care for my students."

He then disappeared in a green blur.

The ANBU, being the assholes they were, also darted away when the Killing Intent of the kunoichi grew to a massive cresendo.

I nearly wept as I saw indecision on the only two remaining.

"Please," I begged, feeling the left leg of my pants tearing free from some very sharp fingernails, "Don't leave me!"

Shikamaru made a hand seal and shot his shadow forward, grabbing ahold of my arms and pulling hard.

"Sasuke," He said in a strained voice, "Get up there and try pulling more."

Sasuke did so and rushed towards me, sticking near the broken portion and pulling on my arm.

"Don't worry, we got you." He growled, pulling as hard as he could.

I heard the kunoichi start screaming, "There's another." at the sound of Sasuke's voice, before a fist punched through the weakened part and grabbed Sasuke by the shirt.

"Aghhh!" He screamed, grabbing at me, "Nonononono." He grabbed my shoulder, his eyes wide in terror, "Not like this. Not like this."

My eyes met his for a fraction of a second, before I got yanked one more time and Sasuke disappeared from sight.

"Naruto!" I heard him shout, Shikamaru still keeping ahold of him.

I was back in the hot springs and Hana stood above me and jumped on top of me and started punching at my face, my already sore jaw screaming at me in pain.

When you're in pain, had more than one concussion from being kicked in the face by Maito Gai and punched by Rock Lee when he had at least 3 Gates open, and in a fight or flight mode, you tend to not think straight. Such a thing happened when I screamed the first thought that came to my addled mind when I had a naked, feral, and very hot Inuzuka girl straddling me and beating me into the ground.

"Harder, bitch!"

She paused for a moment, eyes widening, followed by an audible growl, canines elongating, and she started punching me harder, more than one hitting a sensitive area.

I managed to buck her off and crawl away partially, seeing the edge of Sasuke's shirt from where he was nearly pulled through the broken floor by the kunoichi wanting to probably break him in half.

I ran away, but slipped on the water on the intact part of the floor when it gave under my weight some and struck the ground, cursing everything working against me.

Shikamaru evidently overcharged his jutsu because the floor started breaking apart more and they saw him.

"3 perverts!" Hana snarled, some of the kunoichi jumping down to pursue Shikamaru.

Shikamaru yelped and bolted away, running as fast as he could to exit the tunnel.

I used the momentary distraction to rush towards Sasuke and wrestle him from the kunoichi's grip, freeing him and dragging him to his feet.

We both started running away, a slight lead being granting to us when the women grabbed towels before they rushed out to pursue us.

"Meet at my place when you lose them!" I shouted, bolting to the left and Sasuke went right, neither of us knowing where the hell Shikamaru was.

I made several clones and had them scatter in multiple directions, clutching at the burning in my ribs.

I got hit there more than once, over a dozen women stomping me hurt when they thought I was peeping on them.

I felt them move to chase after my clones when I Henged as a disguise and staggered to an alleyway, collapsing near a trash can to sit for a moment to catch my breath.

"Good, they're chasing after Sasuke and the clones." I mumbled to myself, laying my head back to rest a moment.

Looking back, I should have expected what happened next. My head leaned back and I felt a soft cushion that was surprisingly warm behind me, said cushion vibrating slightly.

Thinking it was some electric pillow that was thrown out and had some juice still in it, I turned my head and leaned into it more, wrinkling my nose when I smelled it.

It smelled strongly of cat.

As that thought began to form, the soft vibration, which turned out to be purring, turned into a low growl. I leaned back slightly and saw a sight I never wanted to see again after last time.

Tora.

"Mmeegghhh!" The cat screeched, leaping towards my face.

On that day, the fell clutch of circumstance had a vice grip on my balls.

The sound the cat made when I punted it across the street attracted some of the women to find out where I was. I saw them, me being backed into the corner of the alley.

I grinned and pulsed chakra into my legs, climbing the wall at a rapid pace and getting to the rooftop, leaping to the next one to escape them.

Suiton: Water whip.

I flung out a rope of water and snagged a lampost, jumping down and flinging myself forward as I reached the apex of the arc to get across the street. I then took off, running and leaping across rooftops.

The next hour involved me, Sasuke, and Shikamaru fleeing from our own group pursuing us, the civilians thinking we were peeping perverts and were aiding the women in finding us.

I eventually got them to start chasing after more of my clones Henged as the three of us, giving us an opening to get to mine and Rin's apartment.

We stumbled into the apartment, bruised, bloody, and covered in shit, the two of them collapsing to the ground in exhaustion, while I was breathing heavily but could still stand.

I eventually, for the sake of their ego, collapsed to the ground and tried to catch my breath, looking at the two of them, not caring that we were smearing crap on my floor.

I looked at Sasuke with no expression on my face, him returning an equally flat one.

Steadying my breathing, I grinned slightly.

"I think I owe you more than one jutsu."

Sasuke did nothing at all, absolutely nothing, when he heard that, glancing at Shikamaru for a moment.

A second later, he started smirking, then snickering, turning into a laugh, followed by me and Shikamaru laughing alongside him at the absurdity of what happened.

"C-rank turns to A-rank, now a D-rank turns into a freaking S-rank!" I started laughing hysterically, coughing slightly afterwards.

"How did we even get away?" Sasuke was red faced from laughing so hard.

"They were too busy beating on Naruto to go after us." Shikamaru managed to say through his laughter, "We didn't even get the blockage cleared."

Que another round of silence, followed by more laughter.

"Can't clear out a ball of shit," Sasuke was nearly crying from him nearly cackling, "But we can escape a bunch of naked kunoichi out to get us."

"Wait, wait," I managed to wheeze out, "We escaped the inescapable. That means we need a nickname to commemorate our great escape."

The two managed to calm themselves and try and think of a few names, coming up short.

"It needs to be something clever," I said, trying to ignore the itching of the healing claw marks from Tora and my teeth trying to grow back, "Something that will have us go down as legends."

"Sannin."

Shikamaru and I turned to Sasuke, a smug look on his face.

"Three of us," He pointed at us, "And we did something that's going to get us called perverts. Densetsu no perverts." He finished.

I thought about it for a moment, grinning and nodding moments later.

"Sounds good. Shika?"

Shikamaru shrugged like it wasn't an issue. "Can't think of a better one."

I chuckled a bit and thought of something else.

"They won't know us," I said suddenly, my expression lighting up, "Lee, Neji, and Tenten didn't recognize me because of this," I gestured towards the state of my remaining clothes, "Meaning none of the women will recognize me when they're not around me often."

"The same goes for us." Sasuke realized, looking surprised.

"They can't do shit," I snickered, shaking my head, "They'll never know who it was that got away with seeing them all naked."

"Not like it was on purpose." Sasuke pointed out.

I just shrugged my shoulders. "Still a nice show, even if we didn't mean to. How much did you see?" I continued, "I know I saw the most, but what about you?"

"See?" Sasuke scoffed, "I'm pretty sure that was Kiba's sister on top of you, punching you senseless. You did more than see."

"That answers my question whether you saw anything," I smirked, looking at Shikamaru, "Anything?"

Shikamaru scowled and shook his head. "Yes, I did. Why does everything get troublesome with you? Nami and now this? I couldn't imagine if you had blond hair, even more troublesome."

At the last part of what he said, I heard someone clear their throat.

All three of us froze and our eyes widened, slowly turning to the right.

Rin and Hinata were sitting on the couch, a book on flowers between the two, listening in on the conversation quietly. I knew it was bad when I could feel Killing Intent aimed at me from Hinata and the fact that her Byakugan was activated.

"H-hi, Rin. Hinata," I said nervously, running a shaky hand across my brow, "Didn't see you there."

Her face was twisted in a look of irritation at the three of us, scowling as she stood up.

"All three of you stink. Leave." She pointed at the door.

"I live here," I said irritably, standing up, "I'm going to take a shower."

"You will do no such thing," Rin declared hotly, pulling a pan out of a storage scroll in her sleeve, Shikamaru cowering away from her, "The toilet backed up and a pipe burst, causing shit to come out of the shower right before I got in!" she finished angrily.

I groaned audibly and had to fight the urge to drag my hands through my hair, not wanting to feel how filthy my hair was.

"It's not like we meant to do that." I said, wincing at Hinata and Rin shouting.

"What?"

"You three did this?" Hinata demanded, jumping up from the couch, fixing me with a glare that promised pain, "I had to use a storage scroll because the bathrooms were destroyed." She had embarrassedly, just loud enough for me to hear.

I gave her a look of sympathy and almost put my hand on her shoulder soothingly, but stopped when I realized I hadn't cleaned myself up and technically didn't have pants on, only boxers and my shoes from the waist down.

"Where are my storage scrolls of water?" I asked Rin, willing to use them to wash off the three of us.

"I already used them." Rin said simply, running a hand through what I now noticed was her slightly damp hair.

I felt tick mark on my temple at the realization.

"You used the water I specifically use for jutsu," I said slowly, "To take a shower?"

Rin grinned mischievously at me, giggling at my irritation.

"It's the job of younger siblings to take and use the older's things." She continued giggling, snorting slightly.

She sobered up when she accidentally snorted, pretending it didn't happen.

Straightening up, she wrinkled her nose in disgust when she took a deep breath.

"Please go," She asked, coughing slightly, "You three smell like a sewer. Get out."

"W-where the hell am I supposed to go?!" I gesticulated my hands wildly, "I'm covered head to toe in shit and I don't have anywhere to go."

"Go to Jiji," She said flatly, "Anywhere but where I'm at." She then started looking a little green from being near me.

Groaning and pressing my fingers to the bridge of my nose in irritation, I turned to Sasuke and a still shaking Shikamaru who was staring at the pan in Rin's hand like it was poisonous.

"Fine, we'll go," I said with an annoyed tone, "Just put the pan away, you're gonna make him piss himself." I gestured towards Shikamaru.

Rin snickered and put it away, giving Shikamaru a wink that made him flinch.

I should never have told Rin that Shikamaru had an unhealthy fear of females holding pans.

Shaking my head at the little joke of her's, I turned around and opened the door, Sasuke and Shikamaru following moments later.

/////////////////////

"And that's when we snuck into here." Naruto finished, shifting around uncomfortably, "Can I go? I want to apologize to Lee and Neji."

Hiruzen shook his head. "Not yet. You can shortly, but I have other questions."

Naruto groaned under his breath and pointed to himself.

"I'm covered in shit and have no pants on, let me shower, please."

Hiruzen sighed and shooed Naruto away.

"The three of you can use the ANBU showers," He pointed to the three of them, pulling three tags from his drawer and tossing then to Naruto, "Show those, they're guest badges."

"Thanks Jiji." Naruto said, handing them to Sasuke and Shikamaru, the three leaving the room.

When they left, Hiruzen fixed the ANBU with a glare.

"How did a training drill and a D-rank cross each other?" Hiruzen nearly demanded, "I'm getting complaints from across the village about plumbing issues, specifically toilets exploding because of this."

Rat shook his head in irritation and shrugged his shoulders.

"Probably a paperwork error," He said simply, not knowing what else could be more likely, "I checked to make sure there wasn't anything going on in the area at the time. Nothing showed up on the mission roster."

Hiruzen scowled and resigned himself to having to comb through the mission forms to see where the error was made.

"Was what Naruto said true about you slitting his bunshin's throat?" Hiruzen asked number 3, rookie ANBU being given numbers as names until they pass a particular test, "Did you disobey Rat's orders?"

The man didn't try to lie, simply nodding and looking down.

"I did, sir." He said softly, looking ashamed.

Hiruzen nodded at his honesty. "Your admission into the ANBU is denied," He said simply, "You may try again within 12 months time. You are assigned to finish the mission the 5 of you interrupted."

Rat and Turtle went to speak, but a look from Hiruzen had them deflate and nod in acceptance.

"You are dismissed," He said tiredly, "And for Kami's sake, take a shower."

The 5 left the room and left the room, leaving Hiruzen alone.

Now that he was alone, Hiruzen let himself chuckle at the situation, knowing Naruto would have been displeased with him if he had laughed in front of him.

"Shaping up to be like Jiraiya," he mused mirthfully, "Even if he doesn't realize it."

Jiraiya had been caught and beaten by kunoichi when he was caught peeping, but he never managed to escape, even when he was an adult.

But not only did Naruto and his friends escape, their identity wasn't known.

"Densetsu no perverts," Hiruzen chuckled to himself, "A fitting tale for such splendid Shinobi." He continued to chuckle at the name they had jokingly called themselves.

//////////////////

Jiraiya POV:

Jiraiya read the letter his Sensei had sent him and clutched it tightly, raising his fist in triumph, tears streaming from his face.

Apparently, 3 unknown genin had managed to do something that he hadn't managed to do.

They escaped after getting caught by kunoichi in the hot springs.

"Ah, kunoichi," Jiraiya smiled to himself, gazing at the campfire he'd set up in the woods for a moment, "The most cunning and exotic beauties in all the nations...and the most dangerous."

Kunoichi, by merit of their profession, were the most attractive of all women, the ones from clans even more so. Strong chakra and good genes make the most well put together women he'd ever seen.

Tsunade was a peerless beauty and was the Senju princess, being the granddaughter of the Shodai.

The Hyuga were second place in producing the most beautiful women, eyes like there's were oh so exotic. As bright as the full moon, gazing at you with an ageless light.

Jiraiya re-read it and started giggling at the visuals of how it all went down.

Sensei had said how the ANBU had discovered them in the sewers, probably trying to find a way to sneak into the hot springs through the pipes.

"Amateurs," He shook his head, "I already tried that more than once."

Security seals had been put at the base of the foundation by Uzumaki Mito. Only an Uzumaki could cross through it without getting shocked if they came through it from underneath.

Unless they broke the seal alignment in the matrix during the explosion. He thought, wondering how they managed to do it.

But against all odds, they managed to fight off the ANBU and claim their prize, one in particular getting the grand prize of getting beaten severely.

Sensei had put how the Genin had been punched and straddled by an Inuzuka and said the one thing you don't say to an Inuzuka female, unless of course you enjoyed getting beaten.

Harder, bitch.

No better way to piss of an Inuzuka than to call her a bitch, he knew that from experience.

'It isn't Naruto.' He thought sadly, feeling slightly depressed. 'Sensei would have said so.'

Oh how proud he'd be of his godson if he already surpassed him as a pervert, at 13 no less.

The flame of perversion was passed from his Sensei to him, the possibility that the Nidaime stoked it in Sensei was also a possibility.

Minato wished for no part in it, stating there was only one girl for him, Kushina being the girl.

'He probably could only handle one, the Uzumaki aren't just stamina freaks in combat.' He chuckled to himself. Unless you count that as a form of combat.

Minato didn't like it when Jiraiya would rib him about him staggering to in-depth training at times when he was in his later teen years, limping slightly and looking exhausted.

But now, the flame imperishable may endure for longer in the next generation, such talent in the art was uncommon in three young men.

'I must find these lads.' He thought firmly. 'I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the Flame of Lechers, you shall not pass, Flame of Prudes.' He chanted the Pervert's Creed to himself, vowing to guide the next generation of perverts.

He would need to utilize all of his skill as a Shinobi and spy master to discover the details of the day, mission rosters, witnesses, everything that could lead him to his goal of crafting the greatest lecher of all, the most cunning and wily of perverts.

The Gentleman Pervert.

A pervert that would have even the most prudish of women throw themselves at him from his dazzling display of charm, rugged good looks, and power of persuasion. A pervert that through complements and honesty, could be called a gentleman and Ladies man both.

The line of thinking had Jiraiya jumping around, giddy with excitement.

"I have an idea!" He shouted, running to his supplies and grabbing his writing material.

"The final confrontation between the young and new pervert, against the prude that wishes to strike him down." He grinned to himself, "A good ending to this Icha Icha book."

He began writing down the dialogue and emotions conveyed in the final battle.

"Good, good. Your hate has made you powerful. Now, fulfill your destiny. Take your mentor's place at my side."

The hero gazed down upon his defeated foe, the old man gasping for air and reaching out to his once beloved student to beg him not to.

The young man, so mislead and misguided by one so dark and evil, gasped and backed away from his former mentor, turning to the evil that would try to end them all.

"Yes, yes." Jiraiya grinned, his eyes alight with inspiration.

Lowering his blade to the side, the young man flung the blade aside.

"Never," He said firmly, standing tall in the face of an impossibly strong foe, "I'll never join you."

The young man's eyes shown with determination, a sapphire inferno glowing within them.

The eyes of the great evil, once such a beautiful shade of amber, gazed back with a primal fury.

"You failed, your highness. I am a pervert," The hero declared, his golden hair shining nearly as bright as his eyes, "Like my Sensei before me."

The Empress remained silent, her ample chest heaving from her fury, threatening to break free from the confines of her modest clothing to hide such features from the world.

"So be it," She whispered, her fist cocking back to wage battle, "Pervert!"

////////////////////

End Chapter:

The part with Jiraiya was completely unplanned and I felt in a silly mood to write it, mostly to keep within the theme of this chapter.

No serious crap is in this chapter, just a comedy chapter for some light-hearted fun.

Next chapter will likely be a mix of some plot progression combined with comedy, most of the next couple of chapters being training related leading up to the Chunin exams.

Unrelated thing: If I make my next Naruto fic (Which will be after this and the other 2 or 3 stories I've got planned are done) a Sasuke one, it might be a FemNaru/Sasu one. I'd planned on making one, even though I'm generally not the biggest fan of genderbend stories, mainly from few authors making ones that stand out as awesome ones. But if, and I mean if, I pair Rin and Sasuke together in this story, it will end up feeling similar to that. Perhaps I could just go with SI Sasuke being Bros with a male Naruto instead, or make the insert a Hyuga. Don't know.

Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, Later.

Raging.