regret

Sam POV

It's school, and for the first time I'm hating it.

I'm walking through the halls not knowing where I am going, I'm drifting, distant. It takes all my energy to keep walking, I just want to get this over with. I sigh, Natalie is my best friend and she's smart she'll come to her senses eventually I reassure myself, I laugh softly—have I become so insecure that I need reassuring? This is an all -time low.

Many people call out my name and say hello, but I take no notice, I can't, to be honest if I even open my mouth, I don't know what might come out. I've never been good at keeping my mouth shut, especially when my emotions are high.

I walk into my first class of the day—English

I regret my life decisions.

Natalie is here, sitting in her seat next to mine, I stare, and she must have sensed me staring because she looks over, she has such a distraught look on her face—I don't feel sorry, I can't, I don't have it in me. She opens her mouth as if she's going to say something, I don't listen, I just turn and leave.

I don't go to history which is the class after English, I don't go to the class after that, or after that, but I find myself not being able to leave school, as much as I want to leave, I want to be close to Natalie, I don't want Matt getting any ideas. That's the reason why I tell myself—it's annoying because I know deep down it's not true.

v

I'm leaning up against the dark brick at the front of the school, wondering if I should just leave, if I shouldn't let her explain, if I should let the guilt eat at her until she comes and says sorry—I know it's low, but at this moment I couldn't care less.

I hear the bell, it's a distant ringing in my ear, it's white noise—a distraction.

I huff out a breath watching it curl out in white tendrils of smoke and drift away on the wind, it's winter and I'm tired—so tired, I could sleep for a week and not care. I rest my head against the wall and look up at the sky, the clouds drifting on an unseen wind, it's hypnotic and a distraction—something to pass the time.

I close my eyes letting the wind brush my face and run invisible hands through my hair, I sigh. This is what I need, to be out in nature, to feel the wind on my face. I smile to myself imagining me with a little cottage out in the woods somewhere and the whole world at my disposal, I would go hunting for my food and I would drink from clear, sparkling streams and rivers, and on a clear night I would light a small fire and curl up under a million twinkling stars and fall asleep with the sound of the wind. I would be a wild man with no responsibilities or debts, I would live off nature and what it freely provided, I wouldn't care, I would just live, just...exist.

I don't open my eyes, I know Natalie is standing there, I could hear her converses scuff as they connected with concrete, Natalie is a terrible feet dragger, another one of her traits. So, I wait, because making her waiting gives me satisfaction but it also makes me feel in control of the situation, makes me feel like I'm not completely dying inside—a crumbling mess.

She can wait, if she is a good friend, she will let me wrap my head around everything that had happened, she will let me figure out what I want to think of the situation. She will let me understand.

I scrunch my nose, and sigh, opening my eyes.

I turn toward my right side where I know Natalie will be, she's staring up at me, her face distorted with tired sadness, she has dark smudges under her eyes like she hasn't slept for the past two nights, I couldn't blame her, if I was riddled with guilt I wouldn't sleep too. I take in Natalie further, I realize her clothes are all rumpled and her hair is a mess, her skin doesn't glow with health like it used to and her make up is a wet smudge covering her face. I cringe inwardly, Natalie has never looked worse.

I let my eyes sweep back up to her face—her eyes, I let the silence drag on until it becomes deafening, only then do I speak, "You know it's rude to stare."

Natalie looks down at her shoes and mumbles, "Sorry."

I'm shocked, never once have I heard that word come out of her mouth, not even when she was younger and didn't realize that kicking a guy in the groin hurts more than anything, even when the boy was toppled over, holding himself in a fetal position, crying for his damn mother—she did not say sorry. But then I had laughed because the boy had deserved it for calling Natale a two-faced bitch.

She had always been fierce, but seeing this meek shell of her, it scared me—utterly scared me. I didn't know what to do, what to say so I let Natalie do all the talking.

Natali POV

I'm standing, looking up at Sam. I'm tired, so, so tired. I hadn't slept for the last two days and that tiredness is beginning to way me down, it begins to drag. I feel bad—more than bad, I feel terrible, and this feeling that twists up my gut is worse than any stomach ache, my head swims, thoughts float around inside my mind until I don't know which thoughts are even true. But one thing I do know is I'm a terrible friend.

I don't understand this deep down need to explain, to make things right with Sam, to have him smile again. It's something I feel, something I need, otherwise it just may consume me. Maybe—just maybe that would be for the best.

I can't form the words I'm desperate to say, two words that would make everything better, but I can't say them—I can't say them because I don't mean them—I'm not sorry. Not in a million years would I feel guilty for loving, for having someone to love. So, I'm not sorry and I'm not guilty but I am annoyed. Annoyed at myself, at Sam and most of all at life.

Sam looks at me and I can see the desperation in his eyes, he wants me to explain, I can see it there—the need to hear me out. So, I speak.

"Sam, look...." I sigh not even sure where to begin.

He doesn't say anything, he just waits with that desperate look in his eyes, so I start over.

"Sam I never meant to hurt you" I reach for his hand, but it must have been the wrong thing to say because he takes a step back and runs his hands through his hair, the desperation in his eyes turning to molten steel—to pent up anger.

He shakes his head and I can feel my chance slipping away, my world slipping away. I take a step towards him, my eyes locked on his as I say "Sam, you mean the world to me I just... I just want to experience love, I want to know what it feels like to be loved, and maybe I only have a crush on him but it's still more than I've ever felt, please don't be mad"

Sam doesn't speak, the molten steel turning into something more subdued as he contemplates my words, I hold my breath.

After a few silent heartbeats Sam says, "You mean the world to me too"

My heart cracks and tears escape my eyes, I don't have the chance to wipe them before Sam's thumb brushes it away, I look up at him and there is a solemn expression on his face, a sadness to him that breaks me more than his anger did.

Before he could do anything, I pull him into a hug. My world tilts back to normal as Sam hugs me back, he pulls away a few seconds later and searches my face, griping my shoulders he says, "I want you to be happy Nat, don't ever think otherwise....but" he sighs deeply and closes his eyes, trying to regain his composure, "but I just wish you had chosen someone else to fall in love with, you know Matts a player, you will only end up hurt"

Deep down I know he is right, I could have chosen better.

I know Sam has liked me for a long time, but he has never made a move and I think that's why I decided to move on, to find love elsewhere, because as much as I love Sam, he is too shy, to in denial to his own feelings to ever admit to liking me. And I think above everything else that is the saddest thing of all.

I nod slowly, "I know I will get hurt but if I don't even try then I will regret it for the rest of my life, life is too short for regret and hurt." I sigh through my nose, letting the wind run its invisible fingers through my hair, "I just want to feel, even for a second what love is like, I hope you can understand that"

Sam seemed to contemplate what I had said and nods. He looks up towards the sky, puffy clouds painted in white stretched out on a blue canvas, he doesn't look towards me as he says, "I believe you, life is too short for regrets, so I think it's time I told you something."

He looks towards me, hope shining in his eyes, "Nat, I like you, I've liked you for a long time now but I was always too scared to tell you, I was afraid you would... reject me, I was afraid we would lose this thing we have." Sam sighs, "to be honest I'm still afraid now, I just didn't want to regret not telling you, I want you to know how I feel."

I bow my head, my hair obscuring my face as I try to hide a smile, I wasn't expecting Sam to outright declare his feelings for me, I thought I might just make him think. I look up at him and his eyes sparkle beautifully, I let my smile show as I say, "I know"

Sam's brows farrow, he looks kind of cute when he's confused, it makes me smile harder. "what do you mean you know"

I look into his eyes, at the new-found hope but then I look deeper into his burning wildfire of a heart and say, "I've known for a long time now." With those words spoken I rest my hand upon his beating heart, and I let my toes lift me a bit further of the ground as I kiss Sam on the cheek.