Episode 10

After the surreal experience at the Enchanted Bathhouse of Bliss, I was fully convinced that Lavatoria couldn't possibly get any weirder. But as usual, I was wrong. Dead wrong. Because now, we were heading out to do something I thought would be a nice break from the madness: shopping for clothes.

Yes, that's right. Despite all the insanity we'd been through, Nixie and Ursha decided that we deserved some new outfits, and apparently, I was coming along for the ride.

"We've been wearing the same stuff for days," Nixie explained as we made our way into Lavatoria's Market District, where the finest tailors and clothiers had their shops. "After that bathhouse, I feel like we should be looking as good as we feel."

Ursha, as usual, was on board. "Yeah, I could use something new too. Something that screams 'I'll smash your face in if you cross me, but also looks damn good while doing it.'"

"Right, because fashion is totally what we need to worry about right now," I muttered, rolling along behind them. "It's not like there's a cursed toilet sorcerer trying to flood the world with sewage or anything."

Nixie smirked, tossing a wink over her shoulder. "Oh, come on, Jake. A little shopping won't kill us. Besides, don't you want to see us in something new? I bet you'll love it."

I sighed, knowing I was hopelessly outnumbered. "Fine. But if anything weird happens, "

Ursha cut me off with a laugh. "Jake, something weird always happens."

That was true. So, I braced myself for whatever insanity would come next.

The Market District was bustling with life, filled with vendors hawking everything from enchanted accessories to potions that promised to make your hair grow or your teeth sparkle. We made our way to one of the more upscale clothing shops, Tailored Temptations, which was apparently known for its extravagant and unique designs. The front of the shop was adorned with shimmering fabrics and mannequins dressed in clothing so elaborate it made my lid spin just looking at them.

The shopkeeper, a flamboyant elf with a mustache that could have been its own character, greeted us with a wide smile. "Welcome to Tailored Temptations, darlings! You're in for a treat today. We've got the finest fabrics and the most luxurious designs in all of Lavatoria!"

Ursha's eyes lit up as she immediately headed toward the section with battle-ready attire. "I want something with spikes. Or maybe chains. Something intimidating."

Nixie, on the other hand, was more interested in the sleek, stealthy designs in the corner. "I need something that lets me move easily. You know, for sneaking and stabbing."

I, meanwhile, found myself rolling toward a plush chair by the changing rooms, where I could "sit" while the girls tried on outfits. Not that I was complaining, I could use a break from all the action.

But things didn't stay peaceful for long. While Nixie and Ursha were browsing the racks, a random female customer, a curvy blonde woman dressed in a luxurious, fur-trimmed coat, spotted me near the dressing rooms. She wrinkled her nose as if contemplating something and walked over, clearly mistaking me for a… regular toilet.

"Oh, thank the gods," she muttered under her breath. "I've been holding it in for hours."

Before I could even say anything, she hiked up her fur coat and plopped herself down on me.

"Wait, no, NO!" I tried to shout, but it was too late. She sat on me as if I were just some piece of porcelain furniture.

And then it happened. She let loose, taking a massive dump right inside of me.

The smell hit me like a brick wall. My tank filled up with all sorts of things I didn't want to describe, and I could feel the pressure building up inside me, physically and emotionally. "This cannot be happening," I groaned internally.

But then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I felt something stir inside me.

"Oh no. No, no, no," I thought in horror. "Not now. Not HERE."

But there was no stopping it. My porcelain penis began to extend, slowly at first, and then with its usual intensity. I tried to will it back down, but of course, it didn't listen. It shot up, fully extended, right between the woman's legs.

She froze, her face turning beet red as she looked down and saw what was happening. Her eyes widened in shock, and she let out a high-pitched scream that echoed through the entire shop.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" she shrieked, jumping off me so fast she nearly fell over herself. "This toilet has a… a…!"

I didn't know what to say. All I could do was sit there, my glowing porcelain penis fully extended, while everyone in the shop turned to stare. Nixie and Ursha both looked over, their jaws dropping in disbelief.

"Jake, what the hell?" Nixie whispered, half in disbelief, half trying not to laugh.

Ursha, however, burst out laughing so loudly the entire shop turned to look at her. "This is too good! You actually scared the crap out of her! Literally!"

The woman, now fully embarrassed and enraged, stormed out of the shop, her face as red as a tomato.

"Perhaps it would be best if we, uh, kept things… quiet from here on out, darlings," he said, giving me a wide-eyed glance before turning to Nixie and Ursha. "Now, how about those outfits?"

Nixie was still trying to hold back laughter, her face flushed as she stifled a snort. "Yeah, I think we're good on the whole 'toilet mishaps' for today. Let's just get the clothes and get out of here before anyone else tries to... use Jake again."

Ursha, still chuckling, clapped me on the side. "Jake, you've got to admit, that was pretty hilarious. She had no idea what hit her."

I groaned, doing my best to retract my porcelain penis, which had thankfully gone back to its normal state. "Yeah, hilarious. I'm glad I can provide endless entertainment at my own expense."

With the shopkeeper doing his best to pretend the incident never happened, Nixie and Ursha hurried into the dressing rooms to try on their new outfits. I slumped near the changing area, still trying to process what had just happened. It seemed like no matter where we went, trouble, and embarrassment, followed me like a bad odor.

Ursha emerged first, dressed in a new outfit that could only be described as "battle-ready chic." Her spiked shoulder pads gleamed in the soft light of the shop, and the chain mail integrated into the design gave her an intimidating but stylish look. She turned in front of the mirror, admiring the way the leather pants hugged her muscular legs.

"How do I look?" she asked, flexing her arms. "Badass enough?"

I couldn't deny it, she looked like she could crush skulls in style. "You look great, Ursha. Definitely intimidating."

Nixie came out next, dressed in a sleek, black ensemble that was perfect for a rogue. Her outfit hugged her figure, and the enchanted leather allowed her to move freely, perfect for sneaking and stabbing, as she put it. She twirled in front of the mirror, testing the flexibility of the fabric.

"Not bad," she said, smirking. "I could definitely do some damage in this."

"You both look great," I said, feeling a bit awkward as I realized how much they were showing off to me. "Now can we please just pay and get out of here before someone else mistakes me for a bathroom fixture?"

We were almost out of the shop when things took another turn for the weird. Just as we were stepping outside, a sleazy-looking guy with greasy hair and a swagger that screamed "pick-up artist" approached us. He was dressed in tight pants and an oversized fur coat, and he had a smirk on his face that made my porcelain itch.

"Hey there, sweetheart," he drawled, eyeing Ursha up and down. "I couldn't help but notice you walking out of here looking like a whole lot of woman. How about you ditch these losers and come hang with a real man?"

Ursha didn't even give him a second glance. "Move it, sleazebag," she said, her voice dripping with annoyance.

But the guy wasn't deterred. In fact, he stepped in front of her, blocking her path. "Come on, baby. Don't be like that. You need a guy who can handle all of that." He winked, clearly thinking he was some kind of ladies' man.

Ursha raised an eyebrow, looking completely unimpressed. "Last chance to walk away before I put your face through the pavement."

The guy let out a greasy chuckle. "I like 'em feisty. How about you and me take this somewhere private, huh?"

That was it. I could see the shift in Ursha's stance, and before the sleazeball could even finish his sentence, she decked him, hard. Her fist collided with his face with a satisfying crack, and the guy went flying backward, landing in a crumpled heap on the cobblestone street.

He groaned, clutching his nose, which was already starting to bleed. "You'll pay for this!" he spat, scrambling to his feet. "No one humiliates me like that! I'll get my revenge, just you wait!"

Ursha rolled her eyes. "Get lost, creep."

The guy glared at us one last time before slinking off into the shadows, muttering threats under his breath. I had a feeling we hadn't seen the last of him, but for now, it seemed like he'd learned his lesson, at least about trying to mess with Ursha.

"Well, that was fun," Ursha said, dusting off her hands. "What's next? Lunch?"

Nixie, still smirking from the entire encounter, glanced at me. "You know, Jake, I'm starting to think we're the bad luck magnets here. Every time we go out, something crazy happens."

I sighed, rolling along beside them. "Yeah, no kidding. Let's just get some food and hope no one else mistakes me for a toilet or tries to hit on Ursha."

As we made our way through the bustling market, I couldn't help but wonder what kind of revenge that sleazy guy had in mind. Knowing our luck, it probably involved something ridiculous. But for now, I was just grateful to be out of the shop and back in the relative chaos of Lavatoria's streets.

"At least no one can say my life is boring," I muttered, following Ursha and Nixie toward the nearest food stall.