Chapter 11 : Why am I late to this?

After I left Amon's office, more clouds began to gather as the town became darker. I could hear the wind whistling in through the window. I had shivers all over my body from the cold, so I took a hot bath and changed into my cozy nightgown to feel warmer, and I let Leola call her husband Dillion, so I could check on Julian before it's late.

He arrived a short while later in the room and asked, "Did you call for your grace?"

"Yes, come sit down, sir. I must ask you a question regarding my Julian. Take me to visit him because I haven't seen him since I was with you when you informed me you were taking him to his lessons.

He hunched his back and head, avoiding facing me. I instantly knew he was hiding something. He replied, "You can't see him."

I immediately asked him "why? Is there anything bad happening? "

"Actually, he is not seeing anyone. He has been silent and uncommunicative for more than a week and he even kicking out everyone who enter the room. I don't know why he is acting like that,"

"Take me to his room now,"

"However, your grace—"

"I clearly said it now." I gave him a sharp look, and he quickly stood up, saying, "From here, my lady, follow me please."

We descended the stairs and found Julian's room, which was hidden at the end of the hallway. I felt bad for not knowing about it and for Julian being so far away, as if he were a danger to people. It felt really lonely, particularly when I opened the door. The red curtains were drawn and it was darker. This reminded me of my depressed patients, whom I often found in this state, but how could Julian be like that at such a young age? I begin looking for him in this big monstrous room, calling for him, " Julian, your mommy is here; where are you?" I waited for some time and called him name again but there were no answers I continued walking, looking around, until I caught him on the floor drawing countless large black circles that overlapped each other.

"Julian, what are you doing here?" I questioned him.

He raised his head briefly to give me an expressionless face, then turned back to his drawing. I could definitely see the sadness in his eyes, and this made me feel a little uneasy. I approached him more closely and re-asked him. "What are you drawing, little Amon?" but he remained silent. He is not like the first time I met him. He used to smile and speak, even if only briefly, but now he has become quite, as Dillion stated earlier. I took another look at his drawing and gave it some thought. He is drawing in black, which is not a good indicator according to color analysis of child drawing.

I just need to confirm my assumption, but I am a bit scared if it's right, so I decided to ask him again in the hopes that he would respond, "Sweetie, why are you drawing in black? Do you like this color? " He shook his head in disagreement. Oh God, he finally responded. Since he is being cooperative, I should seize the opportunity to ask, "So, do you like drawing circles? You thought it was beautiful? "

Without batting an eye, he nodded, so I asked, "And why?" He replied, pointing with his finger to the circles, " I want to disappear here so no one can see me."

I was frozen and speechless with my wide open eyes that pitied him. While I was still in shock, I noticed something on Julian that caused me to sit down on my knees and grab his arm. "Who did this?" I asked. As soon as he saw the scar I had discovered, he instinctively pulled his hand toward him to cover it.

"Answer me, Julian, are you the one who did this?"

"Yes, I did!"

"But why choosing to harm yourself?"

He exploded, yelling, "I need to disappear from this world because no one wants me and no one loves me. I am useless! "

"That's not true. Who said that?" I said as a tear started to roll down my cheeks while I looked at him in the eyes.

He burst into tears, yelling, "No, that's the truth; haven't you seen how my father is always ignoring me? Haven't you seen how I tried to impress him constantly to get his attention? but it didn't work. He say he's always busy with work, but he's not busy caring for me." He sniffed and continued " When I heard you woke up, I started to feel better, because I thought there was a chance you might take care of me, but I was mistaken, because mom, you too were busy and left me alone! " He was trembling a lot, so I jumped on him. We started to cry a river while hugging, and I could feel his tears burning into my skin. I then began to reassure him by repeatedly patting his back and saying, "I'm sorry." Julian, your mom is really sorry. But I truly love you and won't leave you alone again. "

We remained in that position for some time until he dozed off. I carried him and put him on his bed with a kiss on the forehead. I admired his beauty as he slept, and noticed the dark circles he had. It looked like he didn't sleep well at all, and he even had low energy today.

So I was right, as I expected. He is going through depression at a young age, and this will happen to a child if he is going through a lot of stress at home. He was attempting to get his father's attention in a variety of ways, and although he attempted to be perfect, I suppose that didn't help. In addition, he didn't experience the parental love and attention that a child should. Thank God I found that out sooner, because if he grows up thinking that way, it will negatively impact his personality and mental health.

I wasn't feeling well after leaving that room. I faced Leola, Dillion, and Daisy, who were waiting for me outdoors saying "We need to talk". They followed me as I went up to my room. When I arrived, I spun around and asked, "Why didn't you tell me about him? Why didn't you do anything about him? "

"I told the duke, but he said he was only being stubborn and would cease acting badly mannered within a few days, as he always did." Dillion answered.

I became even more enraged and raised my voice in response to what he stated, "What? Did he say bad manners? Stubborn my ass!" I turned around myself for a bit and then I said looking at them for a second time "While I am in the dark, my son was experiencing depression. How about me? Why didn't you inform me? Why am I not a duchess? Don't I have a right to this dukedom? "

They all went on silent, looking down with slump shoulders. Then they tried to calm me down and bowed to me, apologizing, as Dillon confessed, "We believed you were busy with the classes and we shouldn't interrupt you. I also believed I could control the issue, but I failed, and I sincerely regret it. "

"Just leave me alone to rest; I can't argue with you because you know I've used up all my energy."

"Yes! Your grace," they shouted before departing.

I fell on my bed without changing my clothes. Of course, I couldn't sleep that night since Julian's words kept playing in my head. As a result, I kept blaming myself and I was really mad at Amon. I wanted to beat him so hard the next time I'll see him. I mean, how could he be so cold to the cute Julian? Or could it be that he received the same treatment as he grew up? I had one thought after another about the whole situation and how to treat Julian until my eyes were finally closed.