CHAPTER 4

And with these terrifying words, he leaves my room. All his words collide one by one in my mind and I feel lost in a dimension that is not mine. I start to panic, to suffocate and I try to close my eyes to remember the color of the pupils of Milan but all I see is a black wall against which I crash miserably. A torrent of tears assails me. I have absolutely no control over anything. Neither my body which seems to be in full passive rebellion, nor my mind which understands a little too well that the situation is serious. Very serious.

My heart-rending sobs resonate in this small room and grip me even more in their terrifying yoke. I can't calm down, on the contrary my tears and my fears have become the masters of my soul. My moans are so loud that I can't even hear the nurse approaching me. It's only when she gently puts her hand on my arm that I realize she's there. I cling desperately to her and beg her to help me, my eyes totally bulging.

-I...I...please...do something...

- Calm down Ema, calm down...

-I want to see my parents...I want my brother and Milan...I don't want to be alone...please...

The young woman offers me a soft smile and I then linger on her fine and compassionate features and then on her benevolent gaze. For the first time since I woke up, the weight that compresses my chest seems to lighten imperceptibly.

-I'll see what I can do to warn your family. I'll stay with you for a while first and then I'll contact them, okay?

I nod softly as she fiddles with who knows what on the pipes that are connected to my arm. Little by little, I feel a little more relaxed. The more the minutes pass, the more my mind becomes numb. When she gets up and heads for the exit, I murmur, my mouth pasty:

-What is your name ?

I hear "Sophia" in a fog then I sink. My dreams are no longer dark and dizzying. No today, I am treated to delusions straight out of a bad American comedy. I am on a desert island lounging on the hot sand when a group of young people approach to ask me to carve a mammoth for them. And guess what I do? I'm carving them a fucking mammoth! Then I go deep into the forest to climb trees and join my friends the macaques. When I'm tired of eating bananas and peanuts, I jump in the air and land in a carnival. It's when I swallow my fifth cotton candy that I wake up with a start.

I hear a voice I know all too well and my heart races. Snippets of conversation come to me.

"Not possible now"

"Let me through..."

"Visiting hours"

I take a deep breath that burns my lungs and releases a long scream. My shrill cry echoes in the hallway and I immediately hear panicked footsteps approaching my room. A new nurse joins me and immediately checks all the machines around me. She makes precise gestures at an amazing speed but I don't see them. My gaze remains fixed on my friend who is standing outside my room.

I stared at him for a long moment, unable to say a word. The very moment I saw him, an insurmountable wall was erected between us. Milan doesn't come into my room, he stays in the hallway, completely still and with a closed face. From my bed, I would like to dive into his blue lagoon gaze but I only succeed in crashing into his glacier.