CHAPTER 10

-Then, the violent shock that your cranial box suffered caused a concussion as well as cerebral edema. Your cognitive abilities are affected. Once again, we will have to wait for the evolution of this edema to know the final consequences of this head trauma. Various invisible handicaps, such as balance disorders, sleep disorders or migraines may affect you, but know that these are only the consequences of this trauma.

Doctor I announce-bad-news-as-no-one ends his speech in dead silence. I can only hear the desperate beating of my heart calling in vain for help.

-You have questions ?

- So basically, you don't know exactly if my condition is final. Things can get worse or better and I just have to wait and suffer, right?

Without ever being offended by my sarcasm, he answers me with the utmost professionalism.

-Rest, focus on healing, and give yourself time. Neither your partial amnesia nor your paralysis are permanent. At least for now.

When he leaves my room, I find myself more alone than ever. I have always been a strong and determined girl but I have never had to deal with a body that has become an enemy. I no longer see any light at the end of the long black path that I have been walking since yesterday. Without my parents, without my body and without the memories of what my life has been like for seven years, I lose hope. Sophia comes by to say goodbye when she finishes her shift but I'm too stoned to answer her. I think the doctor made sure that a good dose of painkillers was injected into me so that I could manage this end of the day as well as possible. My mind evaporates in a dull fog and I spend a dark night. Dreamless, nightmareless, hopeless and envyless.

I reach the pinnacle of humiliation the next day when a nurse washes me. I want to die on the spot rather than having to witness my own downfall. But instead of bringing me down, it only fuels the rage that now courses through my veins. In the middle of the morning, I am surprised to see two policemen arrive to ask me about the circumstances of my accident. Since it took place on the public highway, an investigation was opened. I am absolutely incapable of answering their questions so that I am of no use to them. On the other hand, their visit allows me to learn that I was hit several times by a fleeing vehicle, that I was dragged for several tens of meters on the hot tar of this month of June and that a passer-by m was found lifeless, the body bloodied and badly bruised a little later. The emergency services having been called around three o'clock in the morning, the police do not know how long I remained unconscious. The two uniformed inspectors warn me that my parents' house will be searched and that my relatives will be heard. A call for witnesses will also be launched to try to learn more about my accident. I really want to answer them that I have absolutely nothing to type but it is false. Deep down I want to know what happened to me.

When the inspectors take their leave, I rehash for a moment everything they have taught me. Each piece of information I collect is a new piece in the puzzle that is my life. The problem is that none of the pieces that I keep in mind fit together with the others. In the afternoon, Milan visits me again. Today, he wears jeans and a navy blue t-shirt on which is written in white letters: "Speaker". It looks like him, hey! His dark beard is still thick and his black hair still mussed, but what shocks me today is his dull gaze. My friend remains leaning against the door he has just closed, his fists in his pockets. After a long moment, he grabs a bag lying around his feet and puts it on the small piece of furniture in front of my bed. He turns his back to me when he starts talking.

-I brought you some clothes. I took basic but comfortable stuff, I hope it will be ok. On the other hand, I took the sizes a bit at random, I didn't really know what to choose in the store.

I want to jump on his neck when I think I'll finally be able to leave this damn hospital gown, but two things are holding me back: my wayward legs and the coldness that emanates from his body. I am therefore satisfied with a simple "ok". After putting away my new clothes in the small wardrobe, he puts down his Ipod and climbs on the piece of furniture. His legs hang in the air. His hands are firmly clinging to the wood. Too firmly. His knuckles are bleached and I don't understand what puts him in this state.

- Have you seen the doctors? Do you have any news on your condition?

I don't really know why I decide to lie to him, but that's what I do. I don't think I want to find the pity I read in his eyes the first day.

- No, nothing new.

A heavy silence falls between us. We look at each other with determination and suspicion, as if we were both cowboys in the middle of a duel. I know he's mad at me but I don't understand the reason for his presence.

-I called the others to let them know you were back. They will surely pass tomorrow.

A wave of panic crushes me like a steamroller. I am no longer the one my friends knew. Now I'm just a cripple who can't even figure out who she is or how to wash myself. I can't let them see me like this. No one should see me when I'm down. I can't stand this idea so much that the anger that has been rumbling inside me since this morning finally explodes.

- Damn but what right did you call them, Milan?

My reaction nails him to the spot.

-I don't want to see anyone, anyone, do you hear me? I... I can't... not like this, not now...

Milan jumps off the piece of furniture he was sitting on and approaches my bed. He puts his two hands on the cold metal, at the height of my feet. His gaze is completely unreadable.

-And me ?

- I... I don't know.

-Wait, what are you doing to me? No but do you realize how bloated you are Ema? You left without saying a word seven years ago and now that you've come back, you "don't know"? I... I'm really too dumb to come see you every day! Like an idiot I thought you were finally going to explain everything to me but you're still the same. Always so stubborn and selfish!

Even though I'm perfectly aware that he doesn't know the extent of my injuries and that he can only trust what I show him, I resent him. I'm so angry with him for not being able to read the panic dancing in my eyes! If he was still the same, I wouldn't have needed to talk. He would have understood right away and he would have lay down next to me, handing me his headphones.

-Drop it. You can leave, I don't need you. I do not need anyone. I'd rather be alone than spend my days with someone who stays out of pity.

Milan frowns, pain already tainting his usually bewitching features. I close my eyes and turn my head so that this scene doesn't replay over and over in my mind. I hear him sigh, kick something, then slam the door. When I open my eyes, I see only his absence. She blinds me for a long, very long time, so that I only notice late that he forgot his Ipod on the cabinet opposite my bed.