A chat at the tavern; Liana´s story.

"… and then she made us have a wheelbarrow race! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MARKET!" Celeria pounded the table while Liana laughed heartily.

"Oh wow, and I thought I had it bad with my short stint as a jester!" Liana calmed her laughing fit somewhat, at least enough to take a sip from her glass of wine.

"Please, let's talk about something else. I get goosebumps just remembering it…" The brunette sitting next to the elf was blushing crimson. Peonie took a swig from her teacup and dared not lift her gaze.

The bar wench came and refilled their drinks. It was a busy night at the tavern. Townsfolk from all walks of life were all merrily drinking their problems away, but none were as peculiar as the trio chatting at the table.

Celeria, the elven adventurer, drank from her cup of ale. She was catching up with her friends at the local inn. To her left was Liana, the mousy redhead mage with an eye for gold. To her right was Peonie, the optimistic yet naïve apprentice adventurer …Or she hoped they were. Truth was, Celeria had reason to believe that one of the other women was not who they said they were. An impostor.

She couldn't let the doppelganger get away with their ruse, but she also couldn't exactly jump on her friends. What if she was wrong? She had to keep talking and try to make the impostor slip up.

"What? But the story is just getting good. What else did the lich make you do?" Liana asked Peonie.

"…I'd rather not say."

"Come on, tell me! We are all friends here!"

"Well then, Liana. If you enjoy our embarrassing stories so much, why don't you tell us about your own? What´s your most embarrassing quest?" 

"But that's what we are talking about! Our fight with the lich was the worst adventure of my life! I was stripped, humiliated, and I had to juggle pies in the royal court for like a week afterward before they allowed me to open up my shop!"

"Shouldn't have teleported away."

"After hearing what happened to you? I think I got off easy." The mage leaned forward on the table. "We can all agree that it was the worst adventure of our lives, right?"

"Yeah…" said Peonie.

"Not me," commented Celeria in between sips. "The worst adventure of my life would have to be the hunt for the sewer mermaid." The elf shuddered. "Ugh, never again."

The other two women exchanged confused looks.

"Want to talk about that one?"

"No." Celeria cringed at the mysterious memory.

"…Ok? In any case, if you want to hear an embarrassing story, I've got one for you. It's the most second-hand embarrassment I've felt since I heard about your little trip with the lich…"

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At the mountain range near the eastern end of the kingdom lives a powerful female warlock whose name is lost to time. She is an evil empress who commands the legions of dark monsters and goblins that dwell in the cracks of that desolate ridge.

With pale skin and ashen hair, she is a cruel and vindictive woman with hundreds, if not thousands, of years behind her. They say that she is invulnerable and that no force on this planet can harm her. She is so powerful that one strike from her mace is enough to level even the sturdiest walls.

So, it comes as no surprise that she wants to take over the world, or at least a duchy or two. Every century or so, she amasses her army and marches out intending to seize the countryside.

Luckily, there is a mage's academy at the foot of the mountain range. Their wizards and witches have so far always managed to repel her attacks. It´s also the place where I learned the arcane arts! They have horrible teachers, however, and the food they serve-

Ok, sorry, getting off-track. Anyway, when news came that this ancient warlock was amassing her army, You can imagine how scared I was to be stuck on the frontlines of a war with an invincible enemy. The weird thing was... no one else was scared.

The staff was calm, the townsfolk didn't seem worried at all. Some people were even hanging decorations as if they were preparing for a festival!

I went to talk with the headmistress, a beautiful sorceress called Morra. I told her I was going to leave for my safety until this whole warlock business was over. She laughed at my concern and replied that there wasn´t anything to worry about, she even insisted that I stay and watch the fight, so I reluctantly did.

It was a snowy day. The whole school had congregated on one side of the ravine that divided the country and the mountains. They all brought chairs, spy glasses, and snacks.

On the other side of the chasm, the evil army assembled. A collection of goblins, skeletons, and the foulest creatures you could think of. Curiously, they were lounging as well, a lot of them carried spyglasses too.

I was perplexed, no one seemed to be taking the impending battle seriously.

Clad from head to toe in spiky steel armor, the warlock walked towards the narrow bridge that separated the two "armies", if you can even call them that. Each step she took shook the ground with fury.

"Your tricks won't work this time, sister." The warlock´s voice was grave and sultry. She lifted her mace and pointed it at the headmistress standing in front of her at the bridge. "This armor is not magnetic, your petty magic won't affect it."

"Oh? But who says I'm going to use magic?" Morra threw a flask containing with some sort of orange liquid toward her enemy. The warlock smashed the vial with her mace.

"Ha. Your potions won't work on …huh?" The mace was dissolved by the corrosive slime that was contained inside the vial. Morra grinned, showing her opponent that she had additional vials, one in between each of her fingers. Her students had them as well. "Wait, wait- Ah!"

As you can guess, the evil empress was pelted with corrosive slime. Her armor fell apart piece by piece. Her round breasts poked out of a hole in her breastplate, as did her pale butt-cheeks. One even hit her refined face head-on, eating away at her helmet.

At the end of the barrage, not even a scrap of underwear remained on her body. With frantic and skittering movements, she pulverized all the remaining slimes attempting to hug her naked skin.

The intimidating empress was left standing butt-naked in the middle of the bridge. True to her invincible reputation, she didn't even have a scratch, but I could see that her face was blushing red and she was shivering. Out of cold or embarrassment, I do not know. Maybe both.

The whole school began to laugh, as did her monstrous army. Whistles rang out, even cat-calls. Like the slimes peeled away her armor, the laughter corroded her bravado. The woman´s legs slowly turned inward, her arms trying to cover her unmentionables. She was shaking.

"S-stop laughing! I command you to stop!" she yelled in a pleading tone. I almost couldn't believe that pathetic plea came from the same monster that terrorized me not five minutes earlier. 

A couple of mischievous mages conjured snowballs and launched them at the pleading warlock. Even though I could see that they didn't hurt her, the flustered empress was hopping around trying to dodge them as if they did. She began to retreat across the snow-covered bridge.

"You'll pay for this. All of you will!" she screamed, "Ouch. Cold, cold!" Her bare feet stepped on a pile of snow. She continued her retreat by jumping on one foot while cleaning the snow off the other. This all happened on a shaky rope bridge, mind you.

Predictably, the bridge moved, she lost her balance and fell to the ravine. She screamed for a whole minute before I heard her body collide against the bottom of the abyss. I peeked over the edge and could barely make out a woman-shaped hole in the snow below. Both armies laughed heartily and began to disperse. The show was over.

The headmistress put her hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry. This isn't her first tumble, she is fine."

"Shouldn't you try to arrest her?" I said, "When she gets back, she will try to attack again!"

"Oh undoubtedly. But first, she will slink back to her castle and stay there for a couple of decades, too embarrassed to show her face outside. When she works out the courage to attack us once more, we'll just deal with her the same way as we did now. Although, I will probably have to find a new trick. The slimes aren´t going to cut it again."

"What?"

The headmistress explained how, despite her sister being physically invincible, her ego was quite fragile. She is a very self-conscious tyrant, so her assaults always end with her being humiliated in front of everyone and then retreating with her tail between her legs.

The last time she attacked, they used a magnetic spell to toss her back and forth like they were playing ball before stripping her off her armor. Before that, it was an invisibility potion that only worked on her outfit. 

Her attacks became so harmless that they sparked a tradition in town, to celebrate the event with a festival. They dance, sing, eat cakes, and sell merchandise of the event, like commemorative plates and paintings.

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Celeria glared at the mage. If Liana had the money to attend a magical school, why did she turn to banditry? That tale reeked of lies, maybe she was the impostor?

"I bought one of the paintings recreating the scene with the slimes. It hangs above the counter in my shop," continued Liana.

"So that's where that thing came from," said Peonie.

The elf glared at her companion. Liana had physical evidence to back up her words, so she was back to square one.

"I'm surprised you bothered to drag a souvenir all the way here," Celeria commented.

"If you ever deign yourself to visit my shop, you'll understand why. It's a very lifelike painting, you can almost feel the heat of the warlock´s blush when you stare at it. Besides, it's not like it's hard to carry it around. Unlike some people, I don't lose all my possessions every week."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I dunno. Why don't you tell Peonie here the story of how we first met?" Liana leaned towards Peonie, pointing at the elf with her thumb. "This girl can´t keep her pants on to save her life."

"You don´t need to tell me," Peonie retorted. "I found her on the stocks next to you, remember? And then she lost her clothes again at a banquet with the local Count."

"Hah! No kidding?"

Celeria took a long sip from her drink. "… Please stop talking."

"See? You can't keep your clothes on for more than a week! Some adventurer you are."

Celeria turned to stare at the mage, slapping the table. "I totally can! As a matter of fact, I didn't "lose" my clothes even once before I met you, you human bad luck charm! Maybe you are cursed, huh? Ever think of that?"

"Pfft, curses don´t work like that... I think." Liana replied before taking another sip of wine. "You have ended up naked every time I've seen you. Admit it! This always happens to you, even when I'm not around!"

"I'm afraid I have to agree," Peonie chimed in. "It does seem like your bad luck follows you around, Celeria. Did it truly start when you met Liana?"

Both her companions stared at the elf wide-eyed. It seemed like she couldn't worm out of this one. "Fine, it did happen before, but only once…"