I am the Mother of that Murderer

The sun was still high but the pungent smell of liquor already pervades throughout the room. Empty bottles of heavy alcoholic beverages were scattered on the floor, and only the sounds coming from the TV screen breaks the silence inside the cold room.

The woman who was sitting on the carpet dismissively ignores the man in a suit who just entered. Still, in a drunken stupor, the woman kept mumbling. If the person intends to listen, he will notice she was singing a lullaby.

"Ah Rong was long dead," the man said. "You should collect yourself--"

Without finishing his words, the loud sound of a bottle being shattered resonates throughout the room.

"Why are you still here?" she said. Slowly looking up to see the man she wasted her whole life loving. "Alright. I will sign that divorce--"

"Ji Yun--"

"What else do you want?" Ji Yun's clear eyes were reddened due to a long time crying. "What else do your family want?" she asked softly, slowly and a little hoarsely. She tried appearing calm but the overwhelming sadness she exudes couldn't hide in her elegant stance. A tigress who lost her cub.

"Do I have to say sorry?" she tiredly asked. Big drops of tears are silently falling in her pale face.

"Ji Yun. You're not sober right now. Let's talk later." the man held her shoulder to assist her to her bed but Ji Yun shrugged him off.

"No! I was never been sober than now. I'm the one who did it wrong! I was wrong! I was wrong!" She angrily throws anything near her.

"I'm the one who should be blamed, Su Jian! I'm the one who should have die. I'm sorry that I loved you and don't want to let go but Ah Rong! Ah, Rong just got implicated, because I'm his mother that happened to him. I'm the criminal! I'm the one who killed him! My Ah Rong... Mom is sorry. Mom is sorry..."

Su Jian silently watched as Ji Yun cries her heart out. Her tiny shoulders were trembling, making her look like a weak small animal, far from the confident woman who ruled high society.

It is only been three years since their child's death; but instead, time heals her wounds, pains of yearning for the one who left made her withdraw from life. This person who always does her makeup perfectly every day and visits the salon frequently are now neglecting her appearance. She no longer cares if she became thin or less well-kept. She also no longer cares about her health. Seeing the scars on her wrists from her past attempts are still reddened, yet there are new additional marks, made Su Jian sigh.

Looking back, he was furious as this ambitious woman trapped him with marriage and a son. He never gave her attention as he was disgusted that she disguised ambitiousness as love, yet seeing her grieve made his heartaches.

It's too late. He also regrets.

In the past, Su Jian knew his indifference will further destroy their family, but he still chose to be indifferent. He reasons that he was too busy, but he knew the countable memories with his son were not due to his work, he just chose to ignore the child for a selfish reason. He was scared that his painful childhood might destroy that child's life. The paper tiger just trying to mask the cowardice, he didn't calculate the consequences will be this big.

Now, the business empire he further built no longer held importance as the heir was no longer alive to inherit it, and the crime of being an uninvolved parent is the biggest regret that he will carry until his death. Hearing her regrets, he also felt suffocated.

"I will call your doctor. Let's properly talk when you've calm down". He said before leaving the room.

Ji Yun's eyes filled with tears stare at Su Jian's back as he walks away. She always wished that back to turn around but it never did. This is an ordinary scene, but now it suddenly reminded Ji Yun of her failed fairy tale.

Once, when she was in her youth, she believes that like Rapunzel she will also be able to escape from the shackles of her childhood. She just has to be determined like her. As long as she left that tower, the psychological scars left by the witch will disappear, and when she meets the prince, she will be able to live a life happily ever after, yet fantasy always remains as fantasy. Her prince never loves her back. Worst, she also locks her son in the tower leading to his death.

Ji Yun scornfully laugh. The first time she met him, she thought her prince finally had come to save her. She thought that maybe he cares since he was the only one who noticed that the young Ji Yun was silently breaking. His simple words save her. That conversation saves her life, and for the first time, he is the greed she was so desperate to have but never had. She now understands that she lived a failure life.

Ji Yun grows up to a nouveau riche family. Her parents met and have her when they were still college students. Being both parents came from a poor family, having her at a young age was a huge responsibility. They have to work to feed three mouths while studying.

Her mother later left school due to the difficult pregnancy. Since then, her mother's dreams are for Ji Yun to carry.

Being beautiful like her mother, she was raised to avoid repeating the past. No 'wild' friends to influence her. No hanging out with boys. All of her major life decisions have to be approved by her mother.

Since a child, Ji Yun's mother decides to dress her conservatively to protect her. Her mother always let her wear clothes that didn't show too much skin like short sleeves or short skirts as showing the knees or forearms invite unwanted sexual advances according to her. She should look respectable to be respected.

To Ji Yun's young mind everything her mother said was correct and followed them diligently. Her mind was instilled that children should obey their parents no matter what since her parents would do everything for her best. She chuckles loudly thinking about this. How can she didn't notice that she's repeating the past, and treated her son like this?

"You are privileged". Her mother always said, maybe these words became part of her that she couldn't help but instilled it to her son also. Well, her mother repeatedly told her since young that since her mother takes care of her, and her father always works late at night just to support them and make ends meet, she had to be obedient. She has to be a good girl. Her father sought to graduate from college while doing various jobs and pursuing his dream without abandoning them, so she have to make them proud.

Ji Yun wanted them to see that she is obedient and a good girl. She continuously studying hard because her mother said results are the only thing that matters, and others recognize. Her joy every time she saw her parents happy and proud because of her achievement was unexplainable. She believes her parent's happiness is her happiness. She believes that this happiness will last as long as she heeds their words and be a good child.

Later, Ji Yun's family escapes poverty when her father established an IT company that flourished because of the progressing technology industry. A hard-working father, a supporting mother, and a good well-behaved child. A picturesque family that rises from adversity. Everyone thought that the family was perfectly happy but in reality, it was crumbling from the inside.

She was a teenager when she notices that her father has a lover. He was a respectable family person in the public's eye so he hides his affair deeply, but she knew. The woman she met several times and visited their house as a friend is his lover.

The woman comes from a well off family and becomes her father's first investor in building up his company, so she and her mother were advised to be amicable. The woman visits their home once, twice, and until the number becomes uncountable. Every time her mother cooks and entertains the guest, her father continued interacting with them as if there was nothing wrong, she felt wrong.

Ji Yun assumed that her mother was aware from the beginning, but still pretends that everything was fine. She felt her anxiousness as her mother tries to keep her father from leaving. The small changes cannot hide the fears as she becomes more careful and loving.

To the young Ji Yun, her mother's happiness is what matters the most. To please her mother, her mother believes that she has to be more intelligent, show more results, and get her father's good graces.

She did her best to achieve her mother's wishes. Ji Yun remembered those sleepless nights studying until her nose bleeds. Those books she read diligently have colorful marks, and full of notes. It was painful but she strives to not let her mother down. Seeing her mother's smile when she had a recognition washed those painful moments. However, it is still not enough when that woman gave birth to a son.

Ji Yun thought that her worst nightmare was when his father announced that he wanted to divorce her mother. Every time she recalls this memory, her mother's begging her father not to leave still ringing in her head. Her mother's voice. Her mother's anguished. The beginning of her reality collapsing but she can't escape, no she doesn't know-how, or maybe she doesn't want to go thinking that maybe there is still a chance to fix things. Ji Yun laughs contemptuously. She can't believe how naive she was been.

Her maternal attachment was used to manipulate her to her mother's wishes. The fixed conditions on their love, approval, and appreciation later impair her ability to show her genuine emotion, engage in social interaction, and establishing a comfortable sense of self-worth. She knew the implications, however, she still believes in her mother. Her mother was just protecting her. Everything was for her sake.

"Only those with used are worth keeping". Ji Yun's mother once said. She shrieks at the thought. Another memory she wants to forget. Another word she also said to her son. Once she heard this word, she became afraid of being rejected. She tries to be the person that other people's approval of. Over time, people-pleasing became her way of life. Is this why her son was always smiling? Is he also afraid of being rejected?

She regrets, but even she shed all tears, the dead will not rise. All she could do is to drink her sadness away and contemplate. Like a movie playing in her mind, her life is flashing in the screen, repeatedly. She wanted to delete those scenes. She wished she could change those scenarios. There's a lot of 'what if's but reality proves it's only wishful thinking.

The psychiatrist Su Jian hires to take care of her said that she was still grieving, and part of the stages of grief is those series of 'If only' statements. She said the process has no time limit and it's okay to feel that way. However, Ji Yun felt guilty, she can't help asking herself 'why'. Those mistakes shouldn't exist. Why did she commit those things to her son? She is intelligent. Why did she let her son experience what she has been through?

If only she can change it all, not for herself, but for her son who she slowly tormented. If only she can make his smile genuine, she can let her soul dissipate and not reincarnate, she only wishes one more chance. Let her change her son's life.