Guilt is like a Sword at My Neck

You'd think, being over seventy years old in combined age would make things like relationships, trivial to breeze through. The truth was though, for the first time in either life, I was truly terrified. It had been a year now since me and Pepper started officially dating, and I had told her there was something big I wanted to tell her and she had simply told me to tell her when I was ready. 

I had come to realise though that I would never be ready. How are you supposed to go around telling someone that you are two people and shouldn't be locked away in an asylum. When it came down to it, I wanted to lock away the secret, enjoy my time with pepper and prepare to defend my world.

Yet I also knew the truth, it was a sword, hanging above me. As much as I wanted to ignore the fact, I wasn't the person Pepper thinks she fell in love with, sure I am Tony but deep down, I know I'm not. I'm something completely different. 

"Hey, you look distant." she said, breaking me out of my own thoughts.

I just smiled at her and said, "I think I'm ready to tell you, that's all."

She proceeded to blink a few times before saying, "Okay." From the look she's giving me, she has been waiting for this, it's almost like she can feel the weight on my chest.

We were alone in the penthouse and had just come back from our anniversary dinner. Seeing my conflicted expression she took my hand reassuringly and said, "Tony, whatever it is just tell me. You know I. I lo…"

I stopped her by placing a finger on her lips and said, "Please Don't. It's only gonna make this harder."

Seeing the hurt look on her face I decided to get this over with. I took a heavy breath as I looked her in the eyes and said, "I might not be Tony Stark…"

The words seemed to hang between us, almost echoing inside my mind. I kept asking myself, WHat if those were the wrong words? What if she hates me after this? What if she…?

"What do you mean?" she asked in a half confused half cautious tone.

I then proceeded to tell her everything. That I remember being Tony up until the explosion. When I woke up in that cave, I figured out I was now both Tony and Andy. 

I told her about my life as Andy. Every single detail. I told her about every little thing I remembered as tony. The first time I ever saw her. The first time I ever realised I liked her. 

I told her about the future. About the avengers. About my Death. About Morgan. Everything. 

I told her that if she wants to hate me that's fine. If she thinks I'm a monster, I accept that. I just ask that she understand I just want a better future for everyone. And that it would have been easier to just lie to you so I decided to tell her everything. And then it started sounding like excuses, so I got up to leave. As I did , I felt her grab my hand and close her grip as firmly as possible. I stopped as she said, "I don't hate you Tony, or whoever you are now. Just give me sometime." before she let go and turned away. 

As she let go, the world around me felt numb, that wasn't really the way to describe it. I hadn't had this feeling since the first time I killed someone, it almost felt like my mind and body were separate things.

As I left the room I felt the urge to drink, and while I had tried my best to cut down on the worst of my drinking habits, I think tonight is a decent enough excuse. 

I don't kn ow when I fell asleep but I woke up after remembering the first time my mum went back to work after maternity leave and kissing me on the forehead. Most of my memories before being five are long forgotten, but that one always stays. As my eyes flutter open I see pepper sitting on one of the other bar stools, and I immediately sit up causing her to smile. I rub the side of his face which is numb from having fallen asleep at the bar. 

"So…" I said awkwardly, "What now?"

"Tony, a year ago, you came back a transformed person, sure I've thought that maybe you're a little crazy now, but at no point did I ever stop thinking you were tony. And I'm scared, but I also get that you're just as terrified.." she said, looking straight at me.

I put on a confused expression and said, "And that means..?"

She stifled a laugh at my expression and said, "I'm not in love with the old you, sure i cared about you a lot now i think about it, but it wasn't love yet. What I feel now, about you. I've fallen for you over the last year… Tony Stark, I Love You. And I can't see that changing no matter how you changed into who you are right now. So let's terrified together…"

The weight that had been on my shoulders had now lifted. I knew we had a long way to go if we wanted to iron out the kinks of this unique relationship, but it was worth it. I immediately wrapped my arms around her and pulled her into an embrace.

I then whispered in her ear, "I love you, Too." 

…

The moment that acrid fog hit, everything changed. It wasn't like the movies where you see it coming from a distance. One Moment, I was sitting in a dugout, pulling my mask back to wipe the sweat off my brow. The next, my eyes were burning like they were drenched in acid.

It started as a subtle irritation, a prickling sensation in my throat. Then, my eyes began to water, stinging like I'd rubbed them with sandpaper. My instinct was to blink it away, but that only made it worse. Each breath felt like inhaling fire, searing down my windpipe. People like to think they would act calm in certain situations, but Panic sets in fast and silently. You're blinded, disoriented, suffocating. Your body rebels against the very air you're trying to gulp down. It's a primal fear, not knowing which way to turn, not being able to see, feeling utterly helpless.

Several other men in the dugout, who weren't wearing their masks to begin with, all suffer the same effects. Shouts, coughs, screams. Some stumbled blindly, crashing into each other, while others tried to flee, only to be met by more invisible clouds of the choking gas. It was a nightmare made real, a desperate struggle just to breathe.

However in the chaos, one of the soldiers next to me shoves a wet cloth over my mouth. There are voices offering water. We're all in this together, bound by a shared brotherhood.

Eventually, the fog lifted, but the effects lingered long after. My eyes burned for hours, my throat raw from coughing. But the worst part was the feeling of violation, of having my very senses weaponized against me. I have to be pinned down as they run water over my eyes to help dilute the irritant. It's then that in the chaos, my body reacts badly, I feel my neck tense as my windpipe closes. I try to let the medic above me know, but he simply sees me thrashing once more, I struggle against the men pinning me down, as the edges of my vision go black, slowly creeping further. The sense of dread comes over me for the first time, as my vision fades completely.

I sit up on my bed, Hyperventilating. 

"Breathe, it's just a flashback." I repeated the phrase I must have uttered thousands of times since it was taught to me. I wiped the sweat on my forehead with the back of my hand, closing my eyes again at the eerie sensation. 

I felt pepper grab my back as I heard her say, "You good?" to which I just nodded before squeezing the hand back on my shoulder and saying, "The Usual." Before I stood up, she went back to sleep. She had tried to comfort me the first few times, but unlike me she didn't have a lifetime of next to no sleep.

 I made myself a cup of tea and went down to the workshop. As I entered i said, "Jarvis, show me a news highlight from last night, i messed it."

"One Moment." he responded as the workshop came to life. I then brought up the schematics to my prototype chip and began doing the one thing that allowed me to have a clear mind. 

Tinkering.

As I was trying to figure out how to solve the quantum tunnelling problem that I was stumped on, the news in the background played.

"Earlier today, Entrepreneur and Scientist, Dr. Aldritch Killian was Arrested earlier today, for embezzlement and fraud. This arrest follows over forty thousand arrests made from leaks made on the forum site 4-chan."

I smiled at that. It has been funny so far. None of what Jarvis had leaked was admissible in court, but it gave enough justification for search warrants. 

I had even taken down several corrupt politicians in America and Europe. It wasn't much but. The main amount of arrests had been from things like the dark net, like child pornography and other crimes which made my skin crawl. 

As I continued tinkering, I also thought about what's next.

The Haiti Earthquake had happened a few months ago, and the country was still grasping at straws. My direct aid, combined with the tankers providing clean water and energy had helped the reconstruction, and the death toll had been reduced by over a hundred thousand or so.

Still, all those lives weighed on me, could I have done more. What if I had warned everyone that the earthquake was coming. It was at a time like this that I remembered a quote from machiavelli. 

"It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage than a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old institution and merely lukewarm defenders in those who gain by the new one. "

 I would need to take my time. Otherwise this could all blow up in my face. Besides, I had already started. 

(Read A few Chapters Ahead on My Patreon: patreon.com/AvonAce)