SECRETS

*Audra's point of view, 14 years ago, continuation*

I took another glance at my mum, really concentrated on driving now and I decided to break the silence.

"What do you know about him?"

"What honey?" My question took her by surprise, she was concentrated to the point she was barely listening.

"I… I asked, how much do you know about this boy?"

"Christopher? Well, for the first 2 or 3 years of his life I took care of him from time to time, you used to play together sometimes. After that, I haven't seen him much, not more than 4-5 times. He was a nice and really sweet boy, but I don't know how he is now, all of this was a long time ago." She made a small pause, then she added: "I recall he had his mother beautiful baby blue eyes."

"Uhm…" I mumbled, so just what I thought - a complete stranger. I felt really selfish when I thought like that, but I guess I've become a bit protective of my family after all that we've been through and I had a hard time trusting people. "So… You keep saying we played together, so I'm guessing he's around my age?"

"He's a bit older, almost a year, he should be 16 now. I remember because I found out I was pregnant when he was around 2 months old."

After that, the conversation died. But my mind kept wondering about this boy, though I wouldn't have to wait much, we'll be meeting him this afternoon, at his mum's funeral.

Yeah, not the most ideal way to meet.

I also thought about my mum, something was bothering her and I couldn't tell what it was. At first, I thought she might be silently reluctant about fostering this boy, but when he talked about him just now she seemed truly happy at the memory. Maybe happy to have something left of her?

I decided not to bother her though, we didn't have secrets with each other, she would tell me eventually when she feels ready.

We arrived in town with a bit of time, so we went to find a place to spend the night before arriving at the funeral. Once we had a room at a small local hotel my mum took her chance to freshen up and change to a black, classic, long-sleeved dress she brought for the funeral.

Meanwhile, I waited, I was growing more and more nervous as the moment approached. When my mum appeared so elegant, yet simple, on his dress I felt a bit underdressed in comparison - with my favourite black oversized sweater, high waisted black jeans and black converse – but she told me it was fine.

We then walked to the place where the funeral was being held, as it seemed to be close enough. On our way there I decided to say something to my mum, even if I wasn't sure I should.

"Ma." I started. "I know something is going on inside you that you don't seem to want to talk about. Something important. And I'm not gonna pressure you onto telling me anything, but remember I'm here if you ever need to talk it out, alright?" There was a moment of silence, I could see my mum's head pondering. "It's just… You know I worry about you. I just don't want you to feel like you're alone in this."

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, now it feels like I'm pressuring her when I simply hoped to sound reassuring.

"It's alright honey, I know. You're scared things might go back to the way they were when I had that horrible depression." She gave me a little side hug. "That's not gonna happen, baby girl, I'm not going to let it happen anymore." She let me go and looked to the ground for a bit while looking like she was going to say something else. "You see, this is a hard loss and there are still some things I need to process now. There are things I need to tell you too, but I need some time first to process it rationally."

Soon we saw the little chapel where the ceremony was going to happen, mom said Helene wasn't religious, but her family was, so they wanted to do a small ceremony there. Though it was going to be outside of it, where the benches were already settled.

Before we reached it, my mom stopped suddenly to face me, her expression now darker and a bit worried. The way she acted scared me a bit and soon I could feel my heart beating faster.

"Wait, there is actually something I want you to know now before any of this starts." She was almost whispering, her eyes aware of our surroundings so no one else would hear. "I have a feeling that Helene didn't die naturally." I opened my mouth in surprise, ready to almost shout 'WHAT?' but she was faster and she covered my mouth. "Shh, honey I don't want anyone to hear this."

"You're saying she might have been murdered? But who?" I whispered, now really starting to get scared.

"Calm down, sweetie, I might be wrong… But I have my suspicions that Chris' dad mistreated them both, especially Helene. She never admitted it directly to me, I think it started shortly before they moved away, so I couldn't help her as much as I would have wanted to. But that's a story for another time." She took a deep breath and signalled for me to do the same - when she saw I was holding my breath - then she kept going: "They told me they were separated now, he has been gone for months, but that happened before and he always came back. I'm not saying he killed her on full-intended purpose, but the way James told me about it… I just feel that, maybe, he came back as he used to, and after realising what he did, he disappeared again." She had one hand in her head now, and she let out a long sight.

"Ma, this is terrible, if that's truly what happened… We should do something about it."

"And that's what I'm gonna be doing. I couldn't save her from him, but I can help Chris. Get him out of here and away from his dad, before he comes back to claim him. That poor boy deserves better… Maybe we can even help him talk to the police if he knows anything about Helene's death."

I agreed with her, we couldn't let that boy be alone.

And I suddenly realised what was troubling my mom all this time.

Guilt.

That was what I saw in her eyes. She felt guilty about this, but truly, whatever she knew or could have done wouldn't have prevented this from happening if this man was really that bad, right?