To kiss or not to kiss, that is a question.

I was still holding Hermione's hand, all kinds of different thoughts and possibilities going through my mind, then I remembered I was going to wake up sleeping beauty… with a kiss. Maybe you don't realize it, but this opens a whole big can of worms.

Here is the dilemma: Old guy falls downstairs, wakes up in Harry. Now, who is he? Harry? Old guy? Or maybe Harry with old guy's memories, or an old guy with Harry's body.

Now, what is going on when they kiss? Is it Harry's first kiss, or an old guy with a pedo dream? This could be as innocent as a white dove, or as nasty as the cops, banging on my door to arrest me. In fanfics the self-inserts are young, 13 til 20 years, so still acceptable... kinda, and most start at year 4 or up.

So here I am, staring at Hermione's lips. Next dilemma: If Harry kisses Hermione, and she doesn't wake up, is this his first kiss? Or doesn't it count as one? By now all kinds of questions pop up.

If she is awake in there, and Harry kisses her, will he get slapped? Her mouth is open, should I use my tongue? Should I wait for the potion to wake her up, and then kiss her… No, I was trying to wake her up with a kiss. Now...What to do….. Inspiration struck me.

"Hermione, if you are awake in there, I am going to try, and wake you up, with a kiss. If this fails, don't kill me when you get your potion. If it works, sorry for not trying it sooner."

Now tell me, this got all bases covered, if not meh, I'll pretend it is CPR. I'll not use my tongue then, that would be creepy.

If it works, Colin bloody Creevy can wait on his potion, no way I am him kissing him, he is a crazy fanboy already, if he gets a kiss, he will go nuts, and me mentally scarred…. Penelope on the other hand, 7th year…. Yes, with tongue on her, she is an adult, so my morals are put on the shelf. I'll give Percy a green hat, two even, she is a looker too.

I lower myself to Hermione's lips, half expecting to be interrupted. Most fanfic authors do that you know, It's called cock blocking or something, personally, I never liked it. If you start with the action, you don't stop for some fucking useless comments, I really hate that.

To be sure nobody is looking, I looked around, all clear, I hold one hand, and I put the other on her body so I don't fall over ….. …. I moved my hands to a safer spot. Looked at Hermione and said: "Sorry about that."

And I went for the lips. I hesitated long enough, so I kissed her. The lips were warm, it surprised me, a statue normally has no blood circulation, so I was expecting cold lips. Strange texture, not hard not soft, daring I gave them a lick… …. …. nothing, no taste at all.

By now 15 seconds passed, and I heard someone behind me clear her throat "I hope you have a good explanation ready, you are going to need one." I raised my head, looked at Hermione thinking: "Wake up please, wake up" The Great Goat God didn't hear me, racist, probably he's only working for Goblins.

I looked up, and saw a woman in her late thirty's, with a monocle on her eye, sternly looking at me. Well, if she raised her eyebrow, her monocle would fall down.

"Ehmm, This is not what it looks like… … yeah, it is what it looks like. I was trying to wake her up with a kiss." "Good try boy, but why on earth would you think it would work?" "Well Madam I am muggle raised, and in one of our fairy tales, there is a story about a sleeping beauty waking up with a kiss, so I thought let's try it?" Madam Bones raised her brow, her monocle falling down. "And you believe in fairy tales young man? How old are you?" Now have some fun with her.

"Well madam, 13 at the end of July, we also have fairy tales about Dragons, Goblins, and Wicked Witches, should I think they not real too?" Bamm…, that shut her up, she recovered fast tough. "So you kissed this girl, to wake her up? How long does a kiss last in your fairy tale?" Bullshit-time or I am I trouble. "Not that long madam, I was just surprised her lips were warm, and expected cold ones, so I zoned out a bit."

Not good, she is used to bullshitting, it comes with the job I suppose. Evasive actions then. "Madam, why don't we wait for Hermione to wake up, and tell her about it, I'll go to Askaban if she wants to."

She looks right through me, makes me wonder how her department went to hell when Voldemort got back to life. "Anyway are you Madam Bones? I am Lord Harry Potter, Lord of House Slytherin, Lord of House Griffindor, Lord of House Gaunt aand Lord of House Potter. Oh, and also Heir of House Black, pleased to meet you I'm sure." Trying to grab her hand, to get my first hand-kiss. Now that I slapped her with my Lordships, I had the upper hand again, so I thought.

"Now these are a lot of titles, my Lord Potter, but have you the proof you have the titles, or are you bluffing me? I am the head of the DMLE and not one to make fun of" I could not grab her hand, so it was a bit embarrassing, a 12-year-old skinny boy, trying to be posh. I was losing my grip on the situation.

"About 800 students, and the staff, saw me claiming Slytherin, Gryffindor, and Gaunt, last night I went to Gringotts and claimed my lordship of House Potter, here is the ring to show it, I was Heir Black wen my Godfather made me his Heir in 1980, don't know where the ring is though. Now you have read my parent's will? And received the rat animagus, Peter Pettigrew? Looked at my memories? Talked to my lawyer? Let's start with these questions you can always arrest me later."

"Yes, yes, yes, and yes, but it leaves me with a lot of questions, but let's start with the emergency here."

"Well," I said, and I removed my upper clothes again, a few times more, and I'll go tryout at the Chippendales. I turned around, gave her a good view, and said: "The lower half got more, but I'm saving myself for someone special" I should not have said this, all my credibility went down the drain. It was still enough to shock her speechless. Trying to recover my mojo I said: "What? Did you really think those three vials were the only thing happening to me? Do you have a thousand vials, or do you want a memory a year long?"

" By now, Madam Pomfrey should have called assistance from ST Mungo's, because she is full of potions and charms, let's see her will we?"

We went over when the healers came out of the floo. And as on cue, the headmaster entered, I commented

"Well, if a troll walks in you don't notice it, but when a healer comes in, you're here in a second. You need to get your priority's sorted headmaster.

Aaah this is going to be great.. were too bash… to smack down.. to slap around.

"Harry my boy, this is not the time, go to your dorm, we will call you later." Got him, round one

"I am sorry sir, but I have to be here, I am a victim, a whiteness and an official, and most of all, I am not your boy, find someone you own age, does Gellert know you are cheating on him?"

Now heads snapped in my direction, I don't know what triggered it, the gay comment or the Gellert comment. I get a mixed result. I was making sure there was always someone between us, I cant trust that old goat for a minute… maybe this is why Great Goat God doesn't listen to me, I put Dumbledore with his crew, and he resents it.

I think it also a good time, to make up a good story, why I don't act my age. Meh better wait until they ask.

"Lord Potter, what do you mean with Gellert, do you mean Grindelwald? What has he got to do with it? He is dead for almost 50 years" Still hiding from the goa.. Albus, I said, "Nah madam Bones, he is very much alive in Nurmengard." "Nooo Harry, you don't know what you are saying stop this at once"

"Now, Now headmaster, being homosexual is accepted these days, no reason to hide it anymore. Are you ashamed of Gellert? Do you not love him anymore? Shame on you. I didn't you were so shallow."

Now to make things clear, I do like homosexuals, I have some in my family and they are the better ones. But in a Victorian wizard world, it is a big stick I can use to smack him around, if he was fat or bald or whatever I'll use that. It is racist, condescending and judgmental, but you can't smack someone down with politically correct words. You have to search for old scars and cut them back open.

Madam Bones: "Lord Potter this is no joking matter. Gellert Grindelwald was killed by Albus Dumbledore in 1945."

"No madam Bones this is where you are wrong, Dumbledore, put your wand away, and don't even try wandless, I will know." Of course, I don't, but they don't either. "And Dumbledore did defeat Gellert, not killed, they were lovers for a time until they broke up in a fight."

Dumbledore: "Nooo Harry, stop speaking, this has to end." "I AGREE! Dumbledore, this has to end. You playing God has to end, You playing with our lives has to end, you think you get away with everything, has to end and if I could get away with it, I end you right here, you horrible monster. You make Voldemort look like an amateur."

Madam Bones: "Lord Potter, Dumbledore is the leader of the Light, what are you trying to say?"

"Madam Bones, I expected more from you. What I gave you last night wasn't enough? The worst Dark Lords are the ones pretending to be Light, we can curse and hate Dark Lords, but Light Lords screw us over, and we are supposed to thank him for it. Albus Dumbledore is worse than Voldemort and Gellert combined." Bamm. Wayyy over the top, I know but if I just say he was a naughty man, they wouldn't even arrest him. I am not sure even now I can pull it off, let us pile on a bit more.

"Can a healer from St Mungo's, cast a diagnostic spell on me please? If this doesn't answer your questions I don't know what will." Meanwhile, Dumbledore tried to face me, and me avoiding him was like I was dancing with madam Bones. "Lord Potter, can you stand still, I am losing my patience here." "Madam Bones, the headmaster is a master at manipulating, good at wandless compulsion, and obliviate charms, no way I'm going face to face with the bastard."

Madam Bones: "Dumbledore stay still, healer cast a diagnostic spell please." The healer, speechless with the mayhem I was causing, approaches and casts the spell, he pales and just like Pomfrey, cast it two times more. "Madam Bones, send Aurors to the family Lord Potter is staying, and kill them, no need for a trial. This is more than criminal, I have no words."

I said: "Do Pomfrey now please." Albus quick: "There is no need for that, I'm sure there are other urgent issues." "Nah, we make time for this, do her." Now somehow that sounded wrong. Mr. healer cast it on Pomfrey, again, and again. "Mediwitch Pomfrey, you are hereby relieved of duty, and report to St Mungo's, it is going at least to take a month, to get rid of it all."

The healer turned to the headmaster "Loyalty potions? Compulsion charms? Obviate spells, tracking charms and listening spells, did I forget any? After what I heard in here, I am going to call back up. The whole staff needs to be checked." Now remembering from all the fanfictions I put my 5 cents in: "You know he is an alchemist so check for traces of alchemy also a magizoologist, I suspect he has an illegal bond on his phoenix. After all, it was him, who dropped me off at those monsters, and never checked up on me."

In a corner stood 3 Aurors watching what was going on. One whispered, "This is going to be bitch to make a report about." He turned to the youngest and said: "I feel sorry for you already." The younger one responded: "No way, I feel a cold coming up, could be even dragon pox I better check-in at St Mungo's " "No buddy, you may have infected us we go together, better to be safe than sorry no?"

The third sighed and said: "If we run now, the boss is putting us on night patrol in knock turn ally for a year, there is no escaping this, boys. Better make a list of what to do like verifying Grindelwald is dead or alive, the medical report on Lord Potter and Madam Pomfrey, and if it's true Lord Potter has other Lordships, we are going to walk on eggshells." We better call for backup too, this isn't looking good for Dumbledore and the three of us are way too little.

Meanwhile, the head healer called for backup, the other healer turned to the Aurors: "One of you three go and round the teachers up and bring them here, and can someone explain why there are children petrified in here, instead of St Mungo's?"

"Easy" I butted in "They got petrified, by a basilisk indirect view, Colin there, is in here from last November, I believe the potion teacher is brewing the antidote now.

Apparently, Hogwarts is the only place in the world to have mandrakes, and be honest, if word got out a basilisk was roaming the school all year, what would people say about our 'Light Lord dark Dumbledore', Cant lose face over a couple of students are we, Dumbledore is more important then keeping children safe, most are mudbloods anyway. Dumbledore doesn't care about them, only his looks and reputation." A beautiful rant, even when I say it myself.

Healer: "What madhouse are you running in here Dumbledore, are you totally out of your mind? Leaving a kid paralyzed for more than a half year? Are the teachers idiots? If they are not like Pomfrey dosed up to the gills, they better look for another job. At St Mungo's they would be cured in a week and you know it, Pomfrey should have known it. Let me diagnose you, maybe you can get away with the insanity excuse."

Wow, go for it healer, put him in a straight jacket, throw him in a padded room, take away his belt and shoelaces. Do they still do the fire hose on a naked guy? If yes, do that too. I like this guy, reminds me of me, I feel so proud.

Now, more people are dropping in, healers from St Mungo's, and teachers with worried faces. The head healer started to take a lead: "Start with diagnostic spells on everybody if someone is free of spells and potions shove them to the Aurors so they can explain this madhouse and their part in it.

Madam Bones was observing Dumbledore through all this, saw his winches with every accusation; his worried face with every revelation. "Dumbledore my niece is here why did you turn this in a deathtrap? Why didn't the students say something? Why didn't Susan tell me anything about that?"

This is my moment, we are going for the kill, he is slippery though.

"I can answer this Madam Bones." I called out: "Elder Hoggy?" Hoggy popped in. "Elder Hoggy can you bring all the potions the headmaster asked you to put in the food and drinks? Now please. NOT ONE WORD ALBUS." Hoggy snapped his fingers and 6 bottles appeared, "These be the one for lunch Master Griffin, the ones for breakfast I put in your trunk as you asked."

"What you disobeyed me? I am the headmaster you must obey me." "Is this you admitting dosing 800 students Albus? On a daily basis?" Madam Bones asked with a dangerously silent voice.

"Elder Hoggy can you bring the potion from breakfast here please. And headmaster, you asked the elves to put it in the food, not commanded it, I asked to put the potion in my trunk, so they put it in something." Another snap and 10 bottles appear. "Now let's test it, can someone analyze it please."

Suddenly a hoarse voice called out:

The one who will correct what is wrong has arrived.

The forces of light and dark turned evil.

Short will be his time to mend,

Or the world will face mortal peril.

The one who will correct the evil has arrived.

Bloody hell, who let Sybil out of her cage