How to deal with an old goat.

After a good night's sleep in my Royal-sized bed, pervy Lords, it's nice to wake up, to turn around, and fall asleep again. Man, yesterday was one for the books, I caused so much mayhem, the wizarding world is going to shake, maybe not today but tomorrow for sure.

But I have to get up, there are still a lot of things to do before I can face Dumbledore.

I was wondering what Madam Bones has done so far, I kind of expect here to barge in wands raised.

Getting up, doing my morning routine, I went into my office, yes, this apartment comes with all the bells and whistles, taking my seat behind an enormous desk, playing with the idea of summoning the headmaster to my office.

This would be awesome, but I do not think I can pull it off. Inviting a wizard who can do wandless magic, and knows legilimency, is suicide. To handle him, there must at least 3 people between us.

It's time to prepare, first the girls, I have the feeling I brought trouble to their door, by including them in the conversation and mentioning them at the Goblins, I sort of feel responsible.

I wrote two small notes, can't favor one over another, can we… No, we got to get them both, and probably end up with nothing.

Next, a note to my lawyer, telling him to standby, I need back-up against the headmaster.

How else can I mess up this morning? LUNA, today is going to be: bully the bully. Starring Luna, and me.

The rest we just winging it. Mayhem cannot be planned.

Calling Mipsy and Dippy in, they are so eager to please. "Mipsy can you give these two letters to Miss Davis and Miss Greengrass, preferably when there is no one around.

Dipsy, can you take this letter to Theodore Tonks? He is my lawyer, and after breakfast, I'm meeting the headmaster, I would like for him to popped in with me for the meeting, It's written in the note."

"Yes, Master Gryffi we do it right now." "Thanks, you guys are the best." A bit off kissing up never hurts, when the two are popping out, I made my way down to the great hall. It's the usual, I come in, and everybody shuts up. Scouting the tables I see the girls have the letters, no Hermione yet, and at the Ravenclaw table I spot a lone Luna, we can't have that can we.

Making my way over, I stand next to her, and ask "my dear Miss can I join you for breakfast? My name is Lord Harry Potter, You can call me Mr. Potter, or Harry if you want to be my friend."

Wide-eyed she said: "You may join me, Lord Potter, I haven't got a friend here Mr. Potter, I will call you Harry then. My name is Heir Luna Lovegood, you can call me Miss Lovegood, and Luna if you want to be my friend." Sarcasm? Trying to be funny? Or plain honesty? I have to think about that, while I sat down next to her.

"Can I have a bowl of chocolate pudding please?" Right away a bowl and spoon appear. Now I have Luna's attention. "You can get it at breakfast too?" Her eyes fixated on my bowl. "Sure what flavor do you want? Chocolate? Vanilla? Or strawberry?" After each flavor I named, a bowl appears.

Luna grabbed all three and said "Yes please" And started digging in, while eating, we started to talk about science, like what kind of chocolate is best for what occasion, or the amount of vanilla in the pudding before it's too strong. You know, the important stuff.

Nobody on the table dared to bud in, what happened to Malfoy and snape fresh on their minds.

I noticed her shoes were gone, I have a starting point, "Hey Luna I noticed you are barefoot, is there a reason for it?" She stiffens up and said, "No special reason, I couldn't find my shoes this morning, I think the nargels took them away again."

Slow I turned my head to the other Ravenclaw's on the table, some had the dear in the headlight look, others looked embarrassed.

"Nargels he, I have a cure for nargels, did you know that?" "There is a cure?" Smiling at her I said: "Of course, here let me demonstrate, Dippy?" Dippy popped in "Yes Master Gryffi, what's you need from Dippy?"

"Dippy, the things from Miss Lovegood are always disappearing, can you and our family help to find them back?" "We will Master Gryffi, we take care of your miss Lovy" And popped out. I turned to Luna and said loud enough for the whole table to hear: "See Luna elves are the best to catch nargels, they can find them anywhere. And if the nargels are too bad, they can even punish them, you know how?"

Slow Luna shakes her head "Well first they come to me, so I decide the punishment, for example, is the nargel a boy, he may wake up naked on the front yard, if the nargel is very bad, we chuck him in the forbidden forest, now for the girl nargels, they can be nasty bitches you know, let's start to put their dirty underwear in the boy nargel trunks.

And if they are really bad, they may even find themselves naked in the boy's shower." I looked at the Ravenclaw's again and said: "Well, now we have to wait to know the nargels got the message."

Now they know I can order the elves, there is no place safe for them, a few girls are shaking with tears in their eyes.

Luna put her hand on my arm and said "I think the nargels get it, let's eat our pudding, do you like chunks of strawberry in your pudding or just the flavor?" And we are back talking about the science of the pudding. She whispered, "Thank you, Harry, you are the best." Whispering back "It's nothing Luna, you are my favorite Ravenclaw so I have to look out for you"

"Now a matter of great importance" Why are the Ravenclaws named Eagles? Do the eagles look like ravens? Or are they deformed and have Raven-shaped feet, instead of Eagle claws, or Ravens with Eagle claws, you know like two birds mixed together like centaurs."

Giggling, "How would I know, maybe we ask our house ghost, she should know"

"Talking about centaurs, this is a question I do not dare to ask them, they are part human and part horse, so which part needs to feed? If it is the horse part, they have to graze or eating hay, but with a human mouth, this will take all day, now the main question, all the grass has to be digested in the human part before it gets to the horse body, but the human body is connected at his bottom on the horse, so basically they are shitting in a horses neck." Luna tried to laugh and swallow at the same time and sprayed her pudding on the table.

"Hey, I'm not finished with my question, see if the human part needs the food, it gets worse, they eat and… shit down the neck, whist makes me think… if only the human part needs food why is the horse belly so fat? What is in the belly? Remember they SHIT down the neck. I think professor Kettleburn from care for magic creatures has asked it a few times, it explains the missing body parts."

Mission accomplished, I put a smile on Luna's face, scared the bullies senseless, and got my questions asked.

I heard an ice-cold voice behind me say: "Maybe you can ask this to them yourself, Mr. Potter, I am happy to lead you there."

"No need professor, it is rude to ask something like that directly to a person, for example, If I ask you how many bottles of fire whiskey you chuck down every evening." "MR. POTTER!" "See? Rude."

McGonagall: "You were supposed to go to the headmaster's office last night, why didn't you go? You lost our house 50 points." The fire whiskey comment stung it seems.

"First, professor, I had matters to attend to, when I was finished with it, I was too tired to go up. Second, I do not care for house points anymore, they are useless."

McGonagall: "You left the castle? Without permission? Detention Mr. Potter for the rest of the year." Looking at her: "Madam McGonagal I was out the castle on House business, Potter House business. As Lord of 4 Houses, I can leave the castle on weekends, as much as I want, to take care of my Houses, are we clear on that? Or do you need my solicitor to spell it out for you?"

Bamm! Not a flyswatter but a kittyswatter.

"And for going to the headmaster's office, I'll go only in the company of Theodore Tonks, my solicitor. I have let him know, and he is waiting for your call. He can go directly in the headmaster's floo."

McGonagall: "Mister Potter, if the headmaster wants to speak with you, you have to go, these are the rules. Now get up." Let's rant again, she is begging for it.

"Deputy headmaster McGonagal, it is time you and the headmaster followed the rules, maybe we will do so too. The headmaster can only call me up for school business, not for talking about a basilisk or his crimes and mistakes he has done to the school, the students, and especially me, btw you too."

McGonagall: "What crimes Mr. Potter? You are talking nonsense." Yes, she is asking for a list, let's go for a kill.

"When you send the letter to my house, didn't you saw the address on it? It was sent TO THE CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS! Madam.

I arrived here, with clothes 5 sizes too big, I am still malnourished, and you didn't care. I spend DAY'S in the hospital wing, and that incompetent nurse didn't notice? I have stunted growth, broken bones badly healed, scars all over my body, and nobody noticed? Did nobody report it? I go in the showers with my team after a game, are they blind? They never told you?

Last year, you got us doing detention in the forbidden forest, looking for something THAT WAS KILLING UNICORNS!

Last year the headmaster forbid us to go to the 3rd-floor corridor, don't go there if you don't want to die.

Is it normal to set deadly traps in school? And instead of warding it off so nobody can enter, you naffing idiots put a Cerberus behind a door, a door a first-year can open with an alohomora.

Then those ridiculous trap's the staff sets up, a plant you can overcome with a light, some keys flying, with brooms handy next to it, a bloody chessboard, all designed for the first years, meaning me.

This year, with this blasted snake, the headmaster knew I didn't have anything to do with it. He is a legilimency expert after all. After that incompetent idiot removed the bones of my arm, I was in hospital wing growing my bones back, when you brought Collin Creevy in, so after that, each time I was bullied you ignored it, so silently permitted them to do worse. Talking about the idiot you better check the girls from 5th year and up for memory charms, it was the only thing he was good at, so rape and memory removed, and the headmaster knew he was not to be trusted.

Collin Creevy is in the hospital wing since November, are you telling me the only mandrakes in the world are grown here? Or is it he is a mudblood? Too cheap to buy mandrakes, or are you too stupid to think of it? You never contacted St Mungo's did you? You are covering up your incompetence, and we suffer for it.

Then let's talk about teachers, a ghost who can't shut up about goblins and put everybody asleep,

a potion master who is only tutoring Slytherins, and sabotaging the rest, the instructions are on the board, you have 1 hour, is this teaching? You know about it, and you ignore it, why? Afraid to lose the jobs? Btw you have 3 jobs and only competent in one, you suck as head of Griffindor, you're never there.

Defense against the dark arts is cursed? Then find the stupid curse, if you cant remove a curse, why is this a school? It is like you want us to be stupid and learn nothing.

The muggle-borns are bullied and looked down on, you are treating them as smart monkeys.

It's not a pick-nic being a half-blood either.

Now after all this, why are you lot not in Askaban?"

I stood up, removed my upper clothes, and showed her my scars, the whole hall was listening, I was not exactly quiet, upon looking at my scars, the students were yelling and screaming in outrage. Now for the last bit.

"Now Deputy headmaster, can you name the monsters, that dropped me on the doorstep of my magic-hating relatives? Who authorized those ridiculous books about me, so everybody thinks I am a pampered prince?"

Well, if you sum it up like that, Harry Potter was a sorry sod, and I know I'm still forgetting some, on this list

"So tell the headmaster to call my lawyer or he can stuff it, with 4 Lordships I am emancipated."

This is how to handle the old goat: let someone else do it for you.

Slapped around McGonagal went to see the headmaster. Putting my clothes back on, I looked at the Ravenclaws and asked "what have we learned today?"

Luna stood up and pulled me in a hug "I learned you need friends, even more than me."

I hugged her back and whispered "I know, this is the 3rd hug I ever had and you can hug me anytime. Come let's finish our pudding, can't forget about something as important as pudding, can we"

We sat back down and started our pudding eating science, even swapping recipes.

"Harry you know my daddy runs a newspaper, the quibbler, maybe you can give an interview, show your side?" "Luna, does your dad have a pensive? Can you extract memories? If you can, you have my permission to use it any way you like." "We have one, I can, and we will, thank you"

Someone approaches me "Lord Potter? My name is Susan Bones, I want to apologize for suspecting you, and treating you badly this year, I am truly sorry, my aunt is head of the DMLE, and I will talk with her about what happened today." "Thank you miss Bones this means a lot to me.

The Weasley twins came by, taking a bow.

"Lord Slytherin we salute you;"

"Lord Gryffindor we adore you."

"Lord Potter we love you."

"Lord Gaunt, who the hell are you?"

"Guys you forget I'm Heir Black the one and only."

"IMPOSSIBLE I am the Heir Black, not you!" The blond fool is awake it seems.

"Malfoy, stick your wand in the air, and claim it, if you fail magic will punish you. I am the Heir of Sirius Black, my Godfather by ritual, my grandmother was Dorothea Black, so crawl back to France and shag.. chase some goats up and down the Alps, like your family use to do before.

If I were you, I would take dad on a long vacation, a broad, if not, he may not even survive the summer."

Malfoy stood up in rage raised his wand, and a seventh year intervened "Malfoy if you fail, you lose your magic. There are other ways to confirm this. Cooldown and think it over."

"This isn't over Potter you going to regret this."

"It's Heir black to you goat boy, now sod of, owls are coming." Malfoy stomped off. "Wait till my father hears of this."

Strange if you are famous, people are listening to what you have to say. If this wasn't Harry Potter, I would get a spell or slap after 5 words. As if your famous, suddenly you get smarter.

Owls were arriving, another thing stupid in the wizarding world, flying dustballs, most have lice and flees, landing in my pudding.

"Gred and Feorge, what were you trying to say, before rudely interrupted, I believe you were praising me, You may proceed"

"O my great Lord Slytherin we came to say"

"O great Lord Gryffindor that our parents"

"O great Lord Potter took Ginny and Ron"

"O great Lord Gaunt home and we can't find scabbers."

I took some letters from the owls in front opened one up and surprised "Hey I have fan mail, that's a first, scabbers is almost 10 years old, what do you think, he lives as long as a turtle or parrot? Rats only live 4 to 5 years" More buttons to push.

"What do you mean the first fan mail? I drew you a picture when I was 8, and mailed to you!" a 6th-year puff yelled. "I mailed a picture from me and my cat 5 years ago." Soon everybody was claiming letters and drawings to have mailed to me.

I stood up and raised my voice "Sorry folks, there was a mail redirection charm on me, The first owl with a letter on it was the one from Hogwarts, I did not even get one from Gringotts."

"What happened with our letters, I even put a stuffed animal with it." "Beats me, I never even had a toy, only some broken stuff from my cousin"

And now we are riding the pity train, let's see how we can milk it out, on the Slytherin table, the girls getting swamped with Gringotts owls, I read somewhere, they like snake meat, they were getting more and more attention.

"If you want to know what happened with your mail, ask Dumbledore, it seems he put the block on, maybe he knows where it went to."

I looked with a sad face to my pudding full of feathers and dust particles, looked up to the Weasleys, and said: "you guys want to check my new room out? Luna, you can come to if you want."

"O lord Slytherin a new room?"

"O Lord Gryffindor what happened to the old one?"

"Those guy's snore to load"

We stood up in passing Neville I leaned in and said "Can you come with me too? I have some things to tell."

Making our way up to the 6th floor we stopped at the alcove, I said to the armor: "Albus and Tom are best buddies" the armor nodded and the door opened, "Come in, welcome in my humble shack, it's not much I know, but we make do with what we got, you know I'm easy to please." Everybody got in and got the grand tour from me.

I said to Luna: "can these three be your friends too? I trust them." "I love to have more friends, now I have 4 of them"

"Hey Luna, we didn't know"

"You had a hard time here"

"We are sorry"

"We make it up to you"

"Hey Luna, it's been a long time" " Hey Neville, yes since mum died"

"I am sorry to hear it Luna, was it a long time ago?" "I was 9 years when a spell went wrong, I still miss her."

"It is not much, but after a few years the hurt gets less, and you think more of the good memories, it is still better than having none, you know she loved you, nobody can take that away from you."

"Now Feorge and Gred come with me please" I led them to a small lab and said: "Men, I offer this lab for you to use under certain conditions, first, if you prank someone, try to make it funny, don't humiliate or hurt, if you go after a bully, do not be worse than the bully. Second, don't blow the roof off, you sleep upstairs.

The perks are: it's close to your dorm, Filsh cant catch you, this room is all yours. When you graduate, I sponsor you, I know you both want to open a joke shop, I'll provide a shop in Diagon Ally and a starters capital, you can choose how to handle it, paying back 5% interest annually or 20% of the business. Do not decide yet, tell me what you want on the train in September, if you agree, we sign on the train. "what do you think?

"Lord Potter this a lot"

"to take in Lord Gaunt"

"as he said Lord Gryffindor"

"Yes because we think the same Lord Slytherin"

"Well, let it sink in and let me know, the lab is yours anyhow"

I turned to Luna and took her to the guest bedroom closest to the exit.

"Luna if you want some time out from the claws, this room has your name on it, you can use it to study, chill out, or store stuff you do not want to lose, or even never use it, I never had a sister, and I want to try it"

Harry got his 4th hug 'my second hug is still my favorite' and Luna went in to check it out.

In the living room we sat down, I looked at Neville and asked: "Nev did you know we are Godbrothers? Your mum for me and my mum for you, did you know? Why didn't your mum want me?" Can't let him know I read the book, so I have to step on some toes.

"Yes Harry, I do know, but mum can't take care of you, or even me. A few days after your parents got killed, death eaters attacked our home and tortured my parents to insanity, they are in St Mungo's in the permanent ward ever since."

"Man Nev, sorry to hear, I don't know what is worse, my fate or yours, well, now we are brothers anyway, you can help kick snape out, I take the left cheek you the right one"

"I am not as good as you Harry I'm practically a squib even though I want to kick him"

"Nonsense you as powerful as me or the twins over there, it is just to find where the problem is. Gred, Feorge, can you come here, and help analyze something for me and Nev?

"O Lord Slytherin you yelled?"

"O Lord Gryffindor then we speed to here."

"Hmm guys, I think I prefer Harrikins, somehow it sounds less pompous."

"O Lord Gaunt, pompous is not hurtful."

"O Lord Potter and it is funny, for us."

"Ok have fun with it, now Nev here, I watched him practice the same spells like me with the exact same moves and chant, and his spell is less powerful what could be the trouble?"

Now this almost spoon-feeding, if you know the trouble and the solution, all is left to let them think of it.

I think McGonagal is roasting the old goat by now, if she is smart, the pensive comes up, hey in some fics he stole it from harry, I have to wait for a rapport from Blooddagger, anyway back to Nev.

"Well Heir Longbottom we had the same problem in the first year we got the wands from our uncles, they were twins too, uncle Fabian and uncle Gideon, they took a lot of dead eaters with them when they died, anyway when we got the wands, Fabian's wasn't working for me and Gideon's was working perfectly for me, but not for my brother he has a bond with Fabian's wand. To make a long story short, it is the wand's fault."

"There is nothing wrong with my wand, it is my dad's wand," Nev said defensively.

"We know Nev, but did you try your mother's wand too? And it's best to buy a new wand, they work the best because they haven't bonded to a wizard yet. You know the parent of the twins has to get 7 children through Hogwarts, so every knut counts, every knut is thought of before it is spent, and I admire them for it, but is it the same for you Nev? Here try my wand, do a Lumos, first with your wand and then with mine." I handed my wand over, Nev cast Lumos with both, and my wand won.

"See Nev, you are a child of your mum too, my advice is to go buy a new one, and put your father's wand on a place of honor."

Neville was looking at my wand in wonder "That felt so easy, I can't believe it, 2 years of forcing my spells to work."

"You are going to blow the roof off with your new wand Nev, Malfoy is going to shit his pants."

Luna came out of her room with a big smile, sat next to Nev, and leaned on him, like natural Nev put his arms around her, and pulled her closer, Luna nesting in his arm. I raised my brow at Nev, he explained.

"We used to play a lot together, and sat like this all the time when we read books together."

"Don't tell me, Harry fucking Potter books? Did I kill a dragon? Save the village, kissed the girl?" Luna smiled "Yes it was so romantic, you lived happily ever after, without a single nargel." The twins were smirking.

"Well you know now, I can get them away, elf power is the best"

All in all, it is a good morning, I fixed Neville, gave Luna a happy place, and put a leash on the twins, they sometimes went overboard, Ron's problems mostly came from them. I come from a big family and it is hard to get noticed if your not the loud one. Now I'm a single kid and have a shitload of problems.

"Now that I to think of it, do you know when Hermione and the rest are getting their potions? Yesterday was crazy, and today is not much better, tomorrow there are exams, I better get started, guy's you have the password keep it to yourself, I'm only telling Ron and Hermione maybe Ginny to if she can get over the fact that I can't kill a dragon, so the village will stay in danger, or she can kill the fucking dragon herself."

"O Lord Slytherin, but you did save her."

"O Lord Gryffindor, you did save Hogwarts."

"O Lord Potter, You have to marry her, it's tradition."

"O Lord Gaunt, you know, a Basilisk tops a dragon."

"Thank you for saving Ginny Harrykins, we own you big."

"Yes thank you, Harry, Ginny is the sunshine in our house."

"Than I advise she goes to a mind healer, I'm going to find one for myself, maybe it will stop my nightmares. Ginny too, she was from September until yesterday possessed by a shade of Voldemort, and he is a crazy motherfucker, I think Nev and Luna need to talk to someone too, sometimes it's better to talk to a stranger, and let it all out, to vent your frustration out to a person you're never going to see again."

Bloody hell, I'm going overboard, Harry's 11 years of abuse are doing a number on me.

"Harry, after you left the headmaster canceled exams, except for 5th Owls and 7th Newt years"

"It would be a nightmare for Creevy, he is a popsicle for most of the school year.

I'm putting some money aside for Ginny, guys, I'm selling the basilisk so I give her a cut, enough for that healer, new robes, and books for a couple of years, or she can save it, is her choice."

Fred: "Geech Harrikins, don't throw your money around, it's not endless, we will get by without to."

A first no twin speak.

"This is not throwing money at you guys, and your shop? If you don't work for it, you end up with nothing, the money for Ginny? A small part from a beast we faced together, doesn't make me poorer. I'll make money off you two, and I am making sure Ginny isn't going crazy fangirl on me, I even win with Luna and Nev, I gained a brother and sister. Win-win for me."

I know, bullshit and slime all over, but you have to pack a crappy present with beautiful wrapping, so it increases emotional value.

"I am going for a walk, you guys have fun. Gred and Feorge, you might want to look at books about accounting and economics, to get a general idea of what you're getting into."

And Lord Potter left his quarters, where are Slytherins rooms? See if I can get a safe house for my 2 snakes. First sleeping beauty, see if I can wake her with a kiss. Thinking about it I haven't cast a single spell since I got here, claiming Lordships and the glowy things doesn't count. I make my way to the hospital-wing, not sure that's a good idea, cause in my rant there was an incompetent nurse in, I hope she isn't too mad at me, on entering the wing they all look the same, frozen, I asked Pomfrey "Madam Pomfrey when is the potion ready?" Snapping: "It is ready when professor Snape finishes his potion Potter."

This is asking for bashing, I snapped back.

"Take your wand and do a diagnostic spell on me mediwitch, if you don't know any, the Goblins know a good one."

"What are you trying to prove Potter?"

"Just do the fucking spell and you know." With an angry face, she pulls her wand and casts the spell.

Pomfrey pales, cast it again, and again.

"And? Did I prove something? You're making the same face the Goblinhealer did, and we had to stop her to come here and kill you and that old bastard. Tell me do you feel competent? Super professional? You are keeping Creevy here from November until now, who are you? Fucking Medusa?

2 fucking years here, how many times was I in bed here? Maybe you should wave your wand on yourself." Fucking idiots waiting for mandrakes to grow.

In some fanfics the whole staff was dosed, in a way, it would be better, for otherwise, the whole staff is going to visit Askaban.

"Now let's ask again, when is the potion ready?" With a shaking voice "Today or tomorrow Mr. Potter"

"And am I in good shape? Fit as a fiddle?" "No Mr. Potter, there are many things wrong with you, in fact, I have to report this to the ministry, and St Mungos. I better get the Aurors here too."

"Madam Pomfrey I have already set things in motion, in the ministry there is only 1 person I trust and that is Madam Bones, so if you can call her I am ok with it. Now a piece of advice: stay away from the headmaster and his 2 monkeys, Lockheart isn't the only one here who can mind fuck you."

Another pillar was destroyed! I am on a roll here "Maybe I can help you call her. Dobby, can you come here please.'" An exited Dobby "Master Harry called for Dobby?" "Dobby can you call Addy the Bones house-elf, say there is a school emergency and we need Madam Bones here, best she bring some Aurors to."

Dobby pops away, I ask Pomfrey, "well? Any spells on you?" She sighs and nods.

"Call St Mungo's when Madam Bones is here. Don't remove any spells on you, evidence you know.

It is time that bastard stops thinking this castle is his playpen."

"I am sure he has the best interest for us."

"Madam, do a diagnose spell on me, then on you please, then shut the fuck up."

I moved over to Hermione, it feels a bit strange, Harry's first female friend, not mine, I feel closer to my 2 snakes and Luna, even Tonksie. I take her hand close my eyes and go through all the memories of Harry and Hermione, to see if it triggers something. From the first day until now, she is one sad lonely puppy, almost the same as Harry, it's just Harry was trying to be normal because his relatives called him a freak, abnormal, so he tries to be normal, in the middle, not too high not to low, Hermoine is ignored for her intelligence by kids her own age, so she seeks recognition from the teachers, also this is why she idolizes the old goat, he is the apex of intelligence.

God what is keeping Bones, I can't stay still too long, my mind is going crazy, I am even starting to question the meaning of life, so bloody hurry up!