How to Win Their Heart by Responding to Their “Inner Infant"

Remember the old joke? The comic comes onstage and the first

words out of his mouth are, "Well, how do you like me so far?"

The audience always cracks up. Why? Because we all silently ask

that question. Whenever we meet someone, we know, consciously

or subconsciously, how they're reacting to us.

Do they look at us? Do they smile? Do they lean toward us?

Do they somehow recognize how wonderful and special we are?

We like those people. They have good taste. Or do they turn away,

obviously unimpressed by our magnificence. The cretins!

Two people getting to know each other are like little puppies

sniffing each other out. We don't have tails that wag or hair that

bristles. But we do have eyes that narrow or widen. And hands

that flash knuckles or subconsciously soften in the palms-up "I

submit" position. We have dozens of other involuntary reactions

that take place in the first few moments of togetherness.

Attorneys conducting voir dire are exquisitely aware of this.

They pay close attention to your instinctive body reactions. They

watch to see how fully you are facing them and just how far forward or back you're leaning while answering their questions. They

check out your hands. Are they softly open, palms up, signifying

acceptance of the ideas they're expressing? Or are you making a

slight fist, knuckles out, signaling rejection? They scrutinize your

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How to Win Their

Heart by Responding to

Their "Inner Infant"

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Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.

face for the split seconds you break eye contact when discussing

relevant subjects like your feelings on big awards for damages or

the death penalty. Sometimes attorneys bring along a legal assistant whose sole job is to sit on the sidelines and take precise note

of your every fidget.

An interesting aside: trial lawyers often choose women to do

this twitch-and-turn spying job because, traditionally, females are

sharper observers of subtle body cues than males. Women, more

sensitive to emotions than men, often ask their husbands, "Is

something bothering you, Honey?" (These supersensitive women

accuse their husbands of being so insensitive to emotions that they

wouldn't notice anything is wrong until their neckties are drenched

in her tears.)

The attorney and the assistant then review your "score" on the

dozens of subconscious signals you flashed. Depending on their

tally, you could find yourself on jury duty or twiddling your

thumbs back in the juror's waiting room.

Trial lawyers are so conscious of body language that, in the

1960s during the famous trial of the Chicago Seven, defense attorney William Kuntsler actually made a legal objection to Judge

Julius Hoffman's posture. During the summation by the prosecution, Judge Hoffman leaned forward, which, accused Kuntsler,

sent a message to the jury of attention and interest. During his

defense summation, complained Kuntsler, Judge Hoffman leaned

back, sending the jury a subliminal message of disinterest.

You're on Trial—and You Only Have

Ten Seconds

Like attorneys deciding whether they want you on their case,

everybody you meet makes a subconscious judgment on whether

they want you in their lives. They base their verdict greatly on the

same signals, your body-language answer to their unspoken question, "Well, how do you like me so far?"

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The first few moments of your reactions set the stage upon

which the entire relationship will be played out. If you ever want

anything from the new acquaintance, your unspoken answer to

their unspoken question, "How do you like me so far?" must be,

"Wow! I really like you."

When a little four year old feels bashful, he slumps, puts his

arms up in front of his chest, steps back, and hides behind

Mommy's skirt. However, when little Johnny sees Daddy come

home, he runs up to him, he smiles, his eyes get wide, and he

opens his arms for a hug. A loving child's body is like a tiny flower

bud unfolding to the sunshine.

Twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years of life on earth make little difference. When forty-year-old Johnny is feeling timid, he slumps

and folds his arms in front of his chest. When he wants to reject

a salesman or business colleague, he turns away and closes him off

with a myriad of body signals. However, when welcoming his

loved one home after an absence, big Johnny opens his body to

her like a giant daffodil spreading its petals to the sun after a

rainstorm.

Treat People Like Big Babies

Once I was at a corporate star-studded party with an attractive,

recently divorced friend of mine. Carla had been a copywriter

with one of the leading advertising agencies which, like so many

companies then, had downsized. My girlfriend was both out of

work and out of a relationship.

At this particular party, the pickings for Carla were good, both

personally and professionally. Several times as Carla and I stood

talking, one good-looking corporate male beast or another would

find himself within a few feet of us. More often than not, one of

these desirable males would flash his teeth at Carla. She sometimes

graced the tentatively courting male with a quick smile over her

shoulder. But then she'd turn back to our mundane conversation

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as though she were hanging on my every word. I knew she was

trying not to look anxious, but inside Carla was crying out, "Why

doesn't he come speak to us?"

Right after one prize corporate Big Cat smiled but, because

of Carla's minimal reaction, wandered back into the social jungle,

I had to say, "Carla, do you know who that was? He's the head of

the Young & Rubicam in Paris. They're looking for copywriters

willing to relocate. And he's single!" Carla moaned.

Just then we heard a little voice down by Carla's left knee.

"Hello!" We looked down simultaneously. Little five-year-old

Willie, the hostess's adorable young son, was tugging on Carla's

skirt, obviously craving attention.

"Well, well, well," Carla cried out, a big smile erupting all over

her face. Carla turned toward him. Carla kneeled down, touched

little Willie's elbow, and crooned, "Well, hello there, Willie. How

are you enjoying Mommy's nice party?"

Little Willie beamed.

When little Willie finally trundled off to tug on the garments

of the next group of potential attention givers, Carla and I

returned to our grown-up conversing. During our chat, corporate

beasts continued to stalk Carla with their eyes and she continued

casting half smiles at them. She was obviously disappointed none

of them was making a further approach. I had to bite my tongue.

Finally, when I felt it was going to bleed from the pressure of my

teeth, I said, "Carla, have you been noticing that four or five men

have come over and smiled at you."

"Yes," Carla whispered, her eyes darting nervously around the

room lest anyone overhear us.

"And you've been giving them little half smiles," I continued.

"Yes," she murmured, now confused at my question.

"Remember when little Willie came up and tugged on your

skirt? Do you recall how you smiled that beautiful big smile of

yours, turned toward him, and welcomed him into our grown-up

conversation?"

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"Yee-es," she answered haltingly.

"Well, I have a request, Carla. I want you to give the next man

who smiles at you that same big smile you gave Willie. I want you

to turn toward him just like you did then. Maybe even reach out

and touch his arm like you did Willie's, and then welcome him

into our conversation."

"Oh Leil, I couldn't do that."

"Carla, do it!" Sure enough, within a few minutes, another

attractive man wandered our way and smiled. Carla played her role

to perfection. She flashed her beautiful teeth, turned fully toward

him, and said, "Hello, come join us." He wasted no time accepting Carla's invitation.

After a few moments, I excused myself. Neither noticed my

departure because they were in animated conversation. The last

glimpse I had of my friend at the party was her floating out the

door on the arm of her new friend.

Just then the technique I call "The Big-Baby Pivot" was born.

It is a skill that will help you win whatever your heart desires from

whatever type of beasts you encounter in the social or corporate

jungle.