How to Not Sound Anxious (Let Them Discover Your Similarity)

Tigers prowl with tigers; lions lurk with lions; and little alley cats

scramble around with other little alley cats. Similarity breeds

attraction. But in the human jungle, big cats know a secret. When

you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has

much more punch. Above all, you don't want to sound anxious to

have rapport.

Whenever someone mentions a common interest or experience, instead of jumping in with a breathless, "Hey, me, too! I do

that, too" or "I know all about that," let your conversation partner enjoy talking about it. Let her go on about the country club

before you tell her you're a member, too. Let him go on analyzing

the golf swing of Arnold Palmer before you start casually comparing the swings of golf greats Greg, Jack, Tiger, and Arnie. Let

her tell you how many tennis games she's won before you just happen to mention your USTA ranking.

Several years ago, I was telling a new acquaintance how much

I love to ski. He listened with interest as I indulged in a detailed

travelogue of places I'd skied. I raved about the various resorts. I

analyzed the various conditions. I discussed artificial versus natural snow. It wasn't until near the end of my monologue that I

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How to Not Sound

Anxious (Let Them

Discover Your Similarity)

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finally had the sense to ask my new acquaintance if he skied. He

replied, "Yes, I keep a little apartment in Aspen."

Cool! If he'd jumped in and told me about his ski pad right

after I first told him how much I liked skiing, I'd have been

impressed. Mildly. However, waiting until the end of our conversation—and then revealing he was such an avid skier that he kept

an Aspen ski pad—made it unforgettable.

Here's the technique I call "Kill the Quick 'Me, Too!'" Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them

enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.

Oh, I Must Have Been Boring You

I waited weeks for the opportunity to try it out. Finally the

moment presented itself at a convention. A new contact began

telling me about her recent trip to Washington, D.C. (She had no

idea that Washington was where I grew up.) She told me all about

the Capitol, the Washington Monument, the Kennedy Center, and

how she and her husband went bicycling in Rock Creek Park.

(Momentarily I forgot I was keeping my mouth shut to practice

my new technique. I was genuinely enjoying hearing about these

familiar sights from a visitor's perspective.)

I asked her where she stayed, where she dined, and if she had

a chance to get into any of the beautiful Maryland or Virginia suburbs. At one point, obviously pleased by my interest in her trip,

she said, "You sound like you know a lot about Washington."

"Yes," I replied. "It's my hometown, but I haven't been back

there in ages."

"Your hometown!" she squealed. "My goodness, why didn't

you tell me? I must have been boring you."

"Oh, not at all," I replied honestly. "I was enjoying hearing

about your trip so much, I was afraid you'd stop if I told you." Her

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big smile and barely audible "Oh gosh" let me know I had won a

new friend.

When someone starts telling you about an activity he has

done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she

has—anything that you share—bite your tongue. Let the teller

relish his or her own monologue. Relax and enjoy it, too, secretly

knowing how much pleasure your conversation partner will have

when you reveal you share the same experience. Then, when the

moment is ripe, casually disclose your similarity. And be sure to

mention how much you enjoyed hearing about his or her shared

interest