How to Make Them Think You See/Hear/Feel It Just the Way They Do

About ten years ago, I had a roommate named Brenda. Brenda

was a tap dance teacher who didn't just tap dance to make a living. She lived to tap. Posters of Bill "Bojangles" Robinson and

Charles "Honi" Coles plastered her walls. She didn't walk around

the house. She tapped her way from room to room. It was noisy,

but at least, when a phone call came for Brenda, I never had trouble finding her.

Once I asked Brenda when she got interested in tap. She said,

"From the moment I first opened my ears." Her ears? I thought,

that's strange. Most people say "from the moment I opened my

eyes." At that moment, I realized Brenda "saw" the world more

through her ears than her eyes.

We all perceive the world through five senses. We see the

world. We hear the world. We feel the world. We smell the world.

And we taste the world. Therefore, we talk in terms of those five

senses. Proponents of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) tell us,

for each person, one sense is stronger than others. For Brenda, it

was her hearing.

Brenda told me she grew up in a dark apartment below street

level in New York City. She remembers, as an infant, hearing the

pitter-patter of feet walking just above her crib on the sidewalk.

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How to Make Them Think

You See/Hear/Feel It

Just the Way They Do

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As a toddler, her tiny ears were bombarded with honking horns,

shrieking sirens, and tire chains slapping the icy streets. She especially remembers the clumpety-clomp of police horses' hoofs on

the pavement outside her window. Her first perceptions of the outside world came to her through her ears. To this day, sound dominates her life. Brenda, the tap dancer, is an auditory person.

Since neurolinguists suggest invoking our listener's strongest

sense, I tried a few auditory references on Brenda. Rather than

saying, "That looks good to me," I'd say "That sounds good."

Instead of saying, "I see what you mean," I'd say, "I hear you."

When I used these auditory references, I felt she paid more

attention.

So I started listening very carefully to all my friends to discover which was their primary perception. Sometimes I'd hear

visual references like

"I see what you mean."

"That looks good to me."

"I can't picture myself doing that."

"I take a dim view of that idea."

"From my perspective . . ."

Wow, I thought I was really on to something!

A Wrinkle Develops

But then, whoops, at other times, I'd hear that same friend say

"Yeah, I hear you."

"Sure, that sounds good to me."

"I kept saying to myself it would work."

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"That has a negative ring to it."

"He really tuned out on the whole idea."

"Something tells me . . ."

This wasn't going to be quite as easy as I'd expected. However,

I wasn't ready to give up.

Once, Brenda and I went skiing with several friends. That

night we were at a party. One of our friends was telling a group

of people, "The ski slopes were beautiful. Everything was so crystal clear and white."

"A visual person?" I asked myself.

Another skier added, "The feel of the fresh snow on our faces

was terrific."

"Aha, a kinesthetic person," I mused silently.

Sure enough, just then, Brenda said, "Today was so silent. The

only sound you could hear was the wind in your ears as you came

swooshing down the slopes." That little riff convinced me there

was something to it.

However, I still found it difficult to discern one's primary

sense.

A Simple Solution

Here's what I've found does work, and it doesn't take too much

detective work on your part. I call the technique "Anatomically

Correct Empathizers," and it's easy to master. Unless it is obvious

the person you are speaking with is primarily visual, auditory, or

kinesthetic, simply respond in his or her mode of the moment.

Match your empathizers to the current sense someone is talking

through. For example, suppose a business colleague describing a

financial plan says, "With this plan, we can see our way clear in

six months." Since this time she's using primarily visual references,

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say "I see what you mean" or "You really have a clear picture of

that situation."

If, instead, your colleague had said, "This plan has a good ring

to it," you'd substitute auditory empathizers like "It does sound

great," or "I hear you."

A third possibility. Suppose she had said, "I have a gut feeling

this plan will work." Now you give her a kinesthetic empathizer

like "I can understand how you feel," or "You have a good grasp

of that problem."

What about the other two senses, taste and smell? Well, I've

never run up against any gustatory or olfactory types. But you

could always compliment a chef by saying, "That's a delicious

idea." And if you are talking to your dog (olfactory, of course),

tell him "The whole idea stinks."

The next technique helps create affinity with a single word.