How to Make All the Right Moves

Any minute, any second, football fans know the score. Even beerguzzling Big George, dozing in front of the TV set on football

Sunday knows. Poke his pudgy pot, and in a wink, he'll tell you

who's winning, who's losing, and by precisely how many points.

Key players in the game of life are like George. Even when

you think they're dozing, they are constantly aware of the score

between themselves and everyone in their life—friends and family included! They know who is winning, who is losing, and by

how many points.

When two Japanese businessmen meet, it's obvious who is on

top. You measure it in millimeters from how close to the floor their

noses come when bowing. (Bottom man's nose dives lower.)

In America, we don't have carefully choreographed bows

showing the score in a relationship. But boys 'n' girls in the business big league know who is top dog and who is bottom dog today.

(It can change tomorrow.)

Bottom dog must curtsy deeper. He or she must show deference. Bottom dog must offer to meet at top dog's office, pick up

the restaurant tab when appropriate, and be respectful of top dog's

time. If bottom dog fails to show the proper deference, he doesn't

336

How to Make All

the Right Moves

✰92

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 336

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.

get his nose rubbed into the ground. He simply disqualifies himself to bark in the big league.

That's what happened to my girlfriend Laura, who had developed the healthy milkshake. (Remember her from Instant Replay?)

When we last left Laura, she was blowing her chances with Fred,

the top banana of a supermarket chain, by grilling him for details

of his mailing address, complaining her pen was out of ink, making him wait while she got another, writing numbers down wrong,

ad nauseam.

I didn't tell you the worst part. After Fred was generous

enough to invite Laura to send him samples of her health shake,

she dropped another bomb by asking him which shipping service

she should use. He must have said FedEx because I heard Laura

say, "Well, my milkshake needs to stay refrigerated. Does FedEx

have refrigerated trucks?"

At this point I knew she had strangled the deal by her own

phone chord. She shouldn't nudge Supermarket Czar with dinky

shipping details. In fact, Laura should be so grateful, she should

personally deliver the drink the next day—rolling it all the way to

his supermarket with her nose if need be. Laura was obviously not

aware of The Great Scorecard in the Sky. That day the tally was

Fred everything, Laura nothing.

Big winners—before putting pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, mouth to phone, or hand to someone else's to shake it—

do a quick calculation. They ask themselves "Who has the most

to benefit from this relationship? What has each of us done

recently that demands deference from the other?" And what can

I do to even the score?

Friends Keep Tabs Too

The Great Scorecard in the Sky is not just bobbing over businesspeople. If family members and friends look carefully over their

How to Make All the Right Moves 337

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 337

loved ones' heads, they'll spot it. And, like an over-the-counter

stock, it goes up or down every day. When you mess up, you have

to even your score by doing more for the one who didn't. To keep

love alive, keep your eye on The Great Scorecard in the Sky.

Several months ago, I met a nice chap named Charles at a convention. We started discussing our favorite foods. His was homemade linguine with pesto sauce. I liked Charles and I make a mean

pesto sauce. The remarkable coincidence of these two elements

emboldened me to invite him to dinner at my place. "Great," he

said. We set it for seven-thirty the following Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon, I begin preparations for the big date. The

cuckoo clock on the wall monitored my progress. At five cuckoos,

I run to the store to find pine nuts. By six cuckoos, I'm back home

grinding basil and garlic. At seven cuckoos, I'm folding napkins,

setting the table, pulling out fresh candles. Whoops, running late.

I change clothes and spruce myself up. When seven-thirty strikes,

I am all ready. The pesto and I await his arrival.

Eight o'clock rolls around and no friend. Well, I figure, I'll

open the wine and let it breathe. Another hour passes and no

Charles. The cuckoo calls me "cuckoo" nine times now. I begin to

believe the bird. It is evident Charles isn't coming. I have been

stood up.

The next day Charles called with halfhearted apologies and a

semiplausible excuse. His car broke down. "Gee, I'm sorry," I said.

(I wanted to say, "Did Martians capture you? Were you transported to another planet where there were no phones to call me?"

I resisted the sarcasm.) However, he did sound contrite so I was

almost willing to forget it. Until his next question.

He obviously wasn't aware of how he'd slipped in The Great

Scorecard in the Sky because, instead of inviting me for linguine

with pesto at a fine Italian restaurant to make up for his blooper,

he asked, "When can we reschedule at your house?"

Never, Charlie.

338 How to Talk to Anyone

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 338

Your Destiny

We've met many people in How to Talk to Anyone. A few of their

names are changed, but each is very real. Recently, I decided to

track down some of the folks with whom I'd crossed paths over

the years. I wanted to see what they're up to now.

Laura, my old friend who dreamed of milkshake millions but

ignored the Supermarket Czar's scorecard, is now back at her day

job. Sam, who ruffled me by not revealing he wanted me to speak

for his organization, no longer has one. Sonny, who hounded his

brother-in-law's cousin by a too-quick call, is still pumping gas.

Tania, who insisted on immediate tit for tat, no longer has that

terrific job at the talent agency. Poor Jane, the mail-room clerk who

confronted her boss at the Christmas party five years ago, is still

wrapping packages. And Dan, who left the prolonged inspirational

message on his phone, now has an unlisted number—not a good

sign for an aspiring speaker.

Whereas Barry who asks everyone he calls, "What Color Is

Your Time?" was recently chosen Broadcaster of the Year by the

National Association of Talk Show Hosts. Joe, who keeps note of

everyone on his Business Card Dossier, is now a state senator.

How to Make All the Right Moves 339

Technique #92

The Great Scorecard in the Sky

Any two people have an invisible scorecard hovering

above their heads. The numbers continually fluctuate,

but one rule remains: player with lower score pays

deference to player with higher score. The penalty for

not keeping your eye on The Great Scorecard in the

Sky is to be thrown out of the game. Permanently.

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 339

Jimmi, the expert at Eyeball Selling, was recently written up in

Success magazine. Steve, whose staff insinuates "Oh Wow, It's You!"

to every caller, is one of the most requested speakers on the cable

circuit. Tim, the can-do guy who gets what he wants from workers in every industry by writing Buttercups for Their Boss, now

owns the travel agency. And Gloria, my hairdresser who gives the

great Nutshell Résumé, recently opened a salon on New York's

fashionable Fifth Avenue.

Does this mean to say that just because the first folks irked

me and a few others they were exiled to a humdrum existence?

And the latter group who made people smile would attain great

heights? Of course not. Those isolated moments of their lives we

examined were but one move of many they made each day.

But consider: if you had been who was ruffled by Laura, Sam,

Sonny, Tania, Jane, or Dan and they called you, would you feel

like extending yourself for them? Probably not. The memory of

their ragged dealing would still smart.

Whereas if you heard from Barry, Joe, Jimmi, Steve, Tim, or

Gloria, happy memories of your exchange would flood over you.

You'd want to do whatever you could for them.

Multiply your response by many thousands. As we said in the

introduction, nobody gets to the top alone. Over the years, the

smooth moves of these big winners have captured the hearts and

conquered the minds of hundreds of people who helped boost

them rung by rung to the top of whatever ladder they chose.

How does one become an instinctive smooth mover rather

than a ragged rider through life? The answer became blindingly

clear one snowy day last winter. Lumbering along a neatly

groomed track on cross-country skis, I spotted a Nordic skier

swiftly striding toward me in the same trail. I didn't need to

observe his high kick or his snazzy diagonal poling to let me know

I was obstructing the path of a pro.

340 How to Talk to Anyone

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 340

While mustering the energy to lug my throbbing legs out of

the track so Super Skier could soar past, he deftly sidestepped out

of the groove, leaving the groomed trail all for me. As he whizzed

toward me, he slowed slightly, smiled, nodded, and said, "Good

morning, beautiful day for skiing, isn't it?"

I appreciated his deference (and insinuation that we were

equals on the snow!). I knew he was not thinking "Hey look at

me. Here I am!" but "Ahh, there you are. Let me make room for

you."

As I implied in the opening words of this book, the difference in the life success between those two types of thinkers is

incalculable.

Why was Super Skier able to pull off his move so gracefully?

Was he born with the skill? No. His was a deliberate move that

grew out of practice.

Practice is also the fountainhead of all smooth communications moves. Excellence is not a single and solitary action. It is the

outcome of many years of making small smooth moves, tiny ones

like the ninety-two little tricks we've explored in How to Talk to

Anyone. These moves create your destiny.

Remember, repeating an action makes a habit.

Your habits create your character.

And your character is your destiny.

May success be your destiny