How to Make a Loved One Feel You Are THE Partner for Life

Do you remember when you were a kid the hundreds of times

Mommy's and Daddy's friends asked, "And what do you want to

be when you grow up?" That was our cue to regale our adoring

audience with dreams of being a ballerina, a firefighter, a nurse, a

cowboy, or a movie star. Well, most of our lives wound up being

a little closer to butcher, baker, or candlestick maker. Nevertheless, we all still have fantasies of our own greatness.

Even though most of us cashed in our childhood dreams of

being the star we thought we'd be (so we could make some

money), we all know that deep down we are very, very, very special. We say to ourselves, "Maybe the world will little note nor long

remember how brilliant, how wonderful, how witty, how creative

or caring I really am. However, those who truly know and love

me—they will recognize my greatness, my magic, my specialness

over all other ordinary mortals." When we find people with the

supernatural powers of perception to recognize our remarkableness, we become addicted to the heady drug of their appreciation.

Praising someone you know and love requires a different set

of skills from complimenting a stranger. The formula to bring

someone even closer to you personally or professionally follows. I

call it "The Tombstone Game." It requires a little setup.

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How to Make a Loved

One Feel You Are THE

Partner for Life

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Step one: In a quiet moment chatting with your friend, your

loved one, or your business partner, tell him or her that the other

day you were reading about—of all things—tombstones! "The

piece was about," you say, "what people fantasize will be inscribed

above their grave after they die." You learned that people want the

quality they are most proud of in life etched in stone. Then say,

"The variety is surprising. Everyone has a different self-image, a

different deep source of pride." Examples:

Here lies John Doe. He was a brilliant scientist.

Here lies Diane Smith. She was a caring woman.

Here lies Billy Bucks. By golly, he could make people laugh.

Here lies Jane Wilson. She spread joy wherever she went.

Here lies Harry Jones. He lived life his way.

Step two: Reveal to your partner what you would like carved

on your tombstone. Be serious about your revelation to encourage

him or her to do likewise.

Step three: Now, you pop the question, "You know, Joe, when

all is said and done, what are you most proud of? What would you

like the world to most remember about you? What would you

want the world to see carved on your tombstone?"

Perhaps your business partner Joe says, "Well, I guess I'd sort

of like people to know that I'm a man of my word." Listen carefully. If he expounds on it, take note of every nuance. Then file it

away in your heart and don't say a word about it again. Joe will

forget you ever played The Tombstone Game with him.

Step four: Let at least three weeks pass. Then, whenever you

want to improve the relationship, feed the information back to

your partner in the form of a compliment. Say "Joe, you know the

reason I really appreciate being in business with you is because

you're a man of your word."

WOW, that hits Joe like a 747 out of the sky. "Finally," he

says to himself, "someone who appreciates me for who I really

am." Telling him you admire him for the same reason he admires

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himself has an impact on Joe like no other compliment in the

world.

Now, suppose your friend is Billy Bucks, the one who wanted

his wit carved on his tombstone. You'd say, "Billy, ol' buddy, you're

terrific. I loves ya 'cause you can really make people laugh."

"I Love You Because . . . " (You Fill

in the Blank)

Suppose your significant other is Jane Wilson in the preceding

example. Tell your beloved, "Jane, I love you because you spread

joy wherever you go."

Suppose your life partner is Harry Jones. You take his hand

and say, "Harry, I love you because you live life your way." BLAM!

You have found that tender spot where the heart and the ego

blend.

226 How to Talk to Anyone

Technique #59

The Tombstone Game

Ask the important people in your life what they would

like engraved on their tombstone. Chisel it into your

memory but don't mention it again. Then, when the

moment is right to say "I appreciate you" or "I love

you," fill the blanks with the very words they gave you

weeks earlier.

You take people's breath away when you feed their

deepest self-image to them in a compliment. "At last,"

they say to themselves, "someone who loves me for who

I truly am."

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The Tombstone Game compliments are not interchangeable.

Billy Bucks might not appreciate your calling him a man of his

word; Billy's thing is humor. Jane might not value your thinking

she lives life her way. Her source of pride is spreading joy wherever she goes.

It's wonderful to tell people you appreciate or love them.

When it matches what they appreciate or love about themselves,

the effect is overpowering