How to Make ’Em Want to Compliment You

We have a national weakness: we don't know how to receive a

compliment! In fact, I would like to dedicate the following technique to my French friends who contend the French are better at

everything. Well, I concede one point. The French are, indeed,

better at receiving compliments. I'll explain how shortly.

Americans, unfortunately, are beastly at accepting adulation.

If someone compliments you and you react clumsily out of embarrassment, you unwittingly start a vicious cycle. A friend ventures

a compliment:

He: (smiling) "Hey, that's a nice dress you're wearing."

She: (frowning) "Oh, this old thing?"

He: (thinking) "Whoops, she didn't seem to like hearing that.

She thinks I have terrible taste to like that dress. I'd better keep

my mouth shut."

Three weeks later . . .

She: (thinking grumpily) "He doesn't ever give me compliments anymore. What a boor!"

He: (thinking gloomily) "What's her problem?"

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How to Make 'Em Want

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"Girls Don't Like What?"

Several months ago in one of my seminars, the group was discussing compliments. One fellow insisted that "girls don't like

compliments."

"Girls don't like what?" I asked incredulously.

He explained, "I once told a woman she had beautiful eyes.

And she said, 'Boy, are you blind.' " The poor chap was so

wounded by her reaction, he became gun-shy and had not aimed

a compliment at a female since. What a shame for womankind and

what a blight on his social skills.

Upon receiving a compliment, many people demur or proffer

an embarrassed little "Thank you." Worse, they protest, "Well, not

really, but thanks anyway." Some people toss it off with, "just luck."

When you react this way, you visit a grave injustice on the complimenter. You insult a well-meaning person's powers of perception.

"Vous Êtes Gentil"

Leave it to French folks to come up with a congenial catchall

phrase. Upon receiving a compliment, they say, "Vous êtes gentil."

Loosely translated, that is "How kind of you."

An American saying "How kind of you" could sound stilted—

like the little flower girl in My Fair Lady trying to be cultured.

Nevertheless, we Yanks can express the French gentil sentiment

with a technique I call "Boomeranging."

When you toss a boomerang, it makes an almost 180-degree

swerve in midair and soars back to land at the feet of the thrower.

Likewise, when someone tosses a compliment your way, let the good

feelings soar back to the tosser. Don't just say "Thanks." (Or worse,

"Oh it's nothing.") Let them know of your gratitude and find a way

to compliment them for their compliment. A few examples:

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She says, "I like those shoes." You say, "Oh I'm so happy you

told me. I just got them."

He says, "You really did a good job on this project." You say,

"Oh, that's so nice of you to tell me. I appreciate your positive

feedback."

You can also Boomerang the good feelings back when people

ask you a question about your family, a project, an event, or anything that shows they are interested in you.

Your colleague asks, "How was your vacation in Hawaii?" You

answer, "Oh, you remembered I went to Hawaii! It was great,

thanks."

Your boss asks, "Are you over your cold now?" You answer, "I

appreciate your concern. I feel much better now."

Whenever someone shines a little sunshine on your life in the

form of a compliment or concerned question, reflect it back on

the shiner.

Incidently, in that seminar, I decided to do womankind a favor

by setting malekind straight on compliments once and for all. I

asked the fellow who swore women hated praise to give three

women sitting near him a sincere compliment. He chose the

woman with "the beautiful silver hair sitting behind him," the girl

222 How to Talk to Anyone

Technique #58

Boomeranging

Just as a boomerang flies right back to the thrower, let

compliments boomerang right back to the giver. Like

the French, quickly murmur something that expresses

"That's very kind of you."

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with the "hands like a pianist" to his left, and the lady with "the

lovely deep-blue eyes" on his right. He told them all.

Three women waltzed out of the room that night feeling a little better about themselves than when they walked in. And, I

hope, for all the women he would yet meet in his life, one man

left with a changed attitude about compliments.

As we come to the end of our exploration of praise, I want to

make sure you're aiming dead center for people's hearts. Whether

you're giving little Carrier Pigeon Kudos or laying a Killer Compliment on your conversation partner, this next technique keeps

you on target.