How to Know What Not to Say at Parties

When police were hot on the tail of a thief in ancient times, he'd

frantically seek a church to duck into. The crook knew if he could

get to an altar, the frustrated posse could not arrest him until he

came out.

When a pack of wolves in the jungle is in hot pursuit of a

jackrabbit, the frightened bunny's eyes seek a hollow log. He

knows the wolves can't devour him until he emerges.

Likewise in the human jungle, big cats have certain safe havens.

Although unspoken, they are as secure as the tenth-century altar

or a hole in the log. At clearly understood times and places, even

the toughest tiger knows he must not attack. I call these "safe

havens."

I have a friend, Kirstin, the president of an advertising agency

who each year invites me to her company's Christmas party. One

year, the holiday spirit was in extra-high swing. Conviviality was

high and champagne flowed freely. It was a terrific bash.

The evening wore on, more bubbly flowed, and the decibel

level of the holiday revelers went up and up. So high, in fact, that

Kirstin told me she was going to tiptoe out the back door and

offered to drop me off at my place.

311

How to Know What

Not to Say at Parties

✰83

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 311

Copyright 2003 by Leil Lowndes. Click Here for Terms of Use.

As we were making our way toward the exit, we heard a woozy

voice in the crowd, "Oh Kirrr-stin, Kirrr-stin!" A mail-room

worker, warped with too much seasonal spirit, wobbled up to her

boss and said, "You know, thish ish a great party, a grr-reat party.

But I been doin' some figuring. If half what it cost went into a

child-care facility for the seven, count 'em, seven mothers with

preschool children who work here . . ."

Kirstin, a top communicator, took Jane's hands in hers and

gave her a big smile. She said, "Jane, you're obviously excellent at

math. You're right, just about half of what this party cost would

indeed pay for the opening of such a facility. Let's talk about it

during business hours." We then made a swift departure.

On the way back to my place, she let out a big breath and said,

"Whew, I'm glad that's over."

"Didn't you enjoy the party, Kirstin?" I asked.

"Well, sure," she said, "But you never know what's going to

happen. For instance," she said, "that remark Jane made." She

went on to explain management had already had several meetings

about opening a child-care facility for employees. In fact, plans

for turning an unused storage area into a beautiful nursery were

already in the works. Naïvely, I asked Kirstin why she hadn't mentioned that to Jane.

"It wasn't the right time or place." Kirstin had handled the situation at the party the way any big winner would—no spoken

confrontation now (but probable silent condemnation later).

Jane, unfortunately, had broken the first unspoken safe-haven

rule, "Parties Are for Pratter." Did Kirstin chastise Jane? Did she

punish her inappropriate behavior? Not then, of course. Nevertheless, Jane would probably feel the repercussions a few months

down the pike when it came to promotion time. But by then poor

Jane wouldn't even know why she was passed over.

Will it be because of a one-time overimbibing? Jane might

grumble, "Yes." Jane is wrong. It's simply that big players can't take

312 How to Talk to Anyone

09 (293-342B) part nine 8/14/03 9:19 AM Page 312

the chance that one of their key people will feel too much holiday

spirit at another party and next time confront an important client.

Let's move to the second safe haven where big cats can escape

the claws of bigger cats and, they hope, the growls of lesser ones