How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message

You can tell a lot about people just from the outgoing messages

they leave on their voice mail. "Hello," his machine answers. "I'm

not in right now. But you probably don't want to talk to me anyway." Beep. Would you suspect this fellow has an inferiority

complex?

"Hello," her machine answers. "The sound you hear is the

barking of our killer Doberman pinscher, Wolf. Please leave a message after the tone." Beep. Would you suspect this woman is worried about break-ins? Most of us don't record our personal foibles

so conspicuously for the world to hear. Nevertheless, people can

hear a lot between the lines of what we say on our voice mail.

Last month I needed a graphic artist to do some work for one

of my extremely conservative clients. I phoned Mark, an artist

whose work I had seen and liked a lot. His answering machine

blasted ear-splitting rock music through the receiver. Then his

voice boomed over the electric guitar, "Hey there, dude, don't be

crude. Jes' croon me an earful of sweeeeeeet sounds right at that

lone tone. Yeah, yeah, yeah." Beep. I banged the receiver quickly

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back into the cradle to shut out horrible fantasies of how my client

would react if he had to call Mark. His thirty-second talent show

might have been an appropriate sample of a rock musician's talent. But a businessperson should opt for a more sedate outgoing

message. The message you leave on your answering machine

reflects your work. Keep yours friendly, neutral, and up-to-date.

And here's the secret: to give the impression you are really on

top of your business, change your message every day. Studies show

that callers perceive people to be brighter and more efficient when

they hear an updated message each time they call. If appropriate,

let callers know where you are and when you intend to be back.

If you have customers who need to be attended to, this is crucial.

Try something like this on your office phone: "This is (name).

It's Thursday, May 7, and I'll be in a sales meeting until late this

afternoon. Please leave your message and I'll get back to you as

soon as I return." That way, if you don't call a client back until

4 p.m. he isn't steaming.

Also, keep it short. Some people change their message every

day, but it's too long. I had a colleague, a public speaker named

Dan, who in his finest mellifluous voice imposed his thought for

the day on all unsuspecting callers.

Last year I was working on a project with Dan and had to call

him three times in the same day to leave a progress report. Each

time his machine answered: "Hello, this is Dan, and here's my

daily motivator." He cleared his throat for his big recorded performance and then continued. "Did someone say something today

that offended you? So what! That's their problem." He paused dramatically. "Did someone look at you the wrong way? So what!

That's their problem." Again, a pause for the magnitude of that

sentiment to sink in. "Replace your petty thoughts of anger, exasperation, and spite with thoughts of strength. Calm down. Rise

above those little insignificant irritations in life. Focus your

thoughts in the direction of fulfillment and accomplishment. Once

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again, this is Dan." I'm surprised he didn't also leave his agent's

phone number here. "Leave your message at the tone. And have a

great peaceful day." Beep.

The first time I listened to Dan's "inspirational" message, the

length mildly irritated me. The second time, I found myself hyperventilating while waiting for him to get through his unbearably

long message. By the third call, his schmaltzy message seemed

interminable. I was filled with those "petty thoughts of anger, exasperation, and spite" he warned against because of his darn message. I found it impossible to "rise above it" and "focus my

thoughts in the direction of fulfillment and accomplishment." I

wanted to punch him in the nose. Outgoing messages are not the

venues to give inspirational messages or to impress the world with

one's accomplishments.

Another friend of mine, a writer, earned herself a few little cat

stripes with this one on her machine:

"Hello, this is Cheryl Smith. Cheryl is on her national book

tour," (she paused so all callers could be appropriately impressed)

"making appearances in twelve cities." (Another pause as though

awaiting applause.) "She'll be returning on October 7." (What's

this "she" bit? Cheryl herself is speaking.) "Please leave your message for her at the tone." Beep.

Yes, Cheryl, we know you're an important author. But your

third-party reference to self, your narcissistic tone of voice, and

topping it off with twelve cities would make any big cat snicker

through his whiskers.

One last codicil: Avoid one particular message many businesspeople use these days—"I'm either away from my desk or on

the other line." The subtext of this message is "I'm a slave chained

to my desk and it is an amazing fact that I have escaped for the

moment." One night I was working into the wee hours. At 4 a.m.

I decided to leave a message on a colleague's business phone so

she'd get it as soon as she came in at nine. "Hello," the message

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chirped. "This is Felicia. I'm either away from my desk or on the

other line right now, but leave your message at the tone." Beep.

Felicia, of course you're away from your desk—it's 4 a.m. on Sunday morning! "On the other line?" At this hour? I hope not!

You never know how your message is going to affect someone. Just keep yours neutral, friendly, constantly changing, short,

and understated. No boasts, no bells, no whistles.

How to Impress Everyone with Your Outgoing Voicemail Message 251

Technique #66

Constantly Changing Outgoing Message

If you want to be perceived as conscientious and

reliable, leave a short, professional, and friendly

greeting as your outgoing message. No music. No jokes.

No inspirational messages. No boasts, bells, or whistles.

And here's the secret: change it every day. Your message

doesn't have to be flawless. A little cough or stammer

gives a lovely unpretentious reality to your message.