How to Differentiate the Power of Praise from the Folly of Flattery

Kids are experts at getting what they want. Perched on Papa's knee,

"Oh Daddy, you're so wunnerful. I know you'll buy me that new

doll." The next morning, with Mama in the supermarket, "Oh

Mommy, I love you. You're the most bestest mommy in the world.

I know you'll buy me that chocolate munchie."

From the hungry infant's instinctive cooing as Mommy

approaches the crib to the car salesman's calculated praise as the

prospect walks into the showroom, compliments come naturally

to people when they want something from somebody. In fact,

compliments are the most widely used and thoroughly endorsed

of all getting-what-you-want techniques. When Dale Carnegie

wrote "Begin with praise," fifteen million readers took it to heart.

Most of us still think praise is the path to extracting what we want

from someone.

And yes, if it's as simple as dolls from daddy and munchies

from mommy, it may be. But the business world has changed

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dramatically since Dale Carnegie's day. In today's world, not every

smiling flatterer has the power to procure through praise.

The Malaise of Unskilled Praise

You give someone a compliment. You smile, waiting to see the

warm feelings engulf the recipient. You may have to wait a long

time.

If he or she has a speck of suspicion your praise is self-serving,

it has the opposite effect. If your compliment is insincere or

unskilled, it can wreck your chances of ever being trusted by that

person again. It can abort a potential relationship before it ever gets

off the runway.

However, skilled praise is a different story. When done well,

it gives the relationship immediate liftoff. It can make a sale, win

a new friend, or rejuvenate a marriage on a golden anniversary.

What is the difference between praise that lifts and flattery

that flattens? Many factors enter the equation. They include your

sincerity, timing, motivation, and wording. They also involve the

recipient's self-image, professional position, experience with compliments, and judgment of your powers of perception. Of course

it entails the relationship between the two of you and how long

you have known each other. If you're complimenting someone

by phone, E-mail, or snail mail, it even involves subtleties such

as whether you've ever seen his or face, either in person or a

photograph.

Mind boggling, isn't it? Sociologists' research shows: 1) a compliment from a new person is more potent than from someone you

already know, 2) your compliment has more credibility when given

to an unattractive person or an attractive person whose face you've

never seen, 3) you are taken more seriously if you preface your

comments by some self-effacing remark—but only if your listener

perceives you as higher on the totem pole. If you're lower, your

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self-effacing remark reduces your credibility. Complicated, this

complimenting stuff.

Rather than dizzying ourselves with the surfeit of specific

studies, let's just put some terrific techniques in our little bag of

tricks. Each of the following meets all the criteria of social scientists' findings. Here are nine effective ways to praise in the new

millennium.

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