heartbreak

They gave me an ultrasound and discovered my water bag was leaking. He also noticed that there was only a faint heartbeat. Telling me that it looks like the end of this pregnancy. That I don't need to worry because it happens to everyone and they'll come out naturally. I was told I wouldn't be able to tell since they are still in the early stages. So I need to go home and rest. So I did just that. After resting for a day. My body wasn't hurting as much. So I continued as normal. A few weeks had passed. My period still wasn't there. I didn't think much about it. My follow up was today. We found out that I was still pregnant. Apparently they still had a faint heartbeat. Like they were holding on the best they could. So as a celebration dinner I made some of my favorites. I couldn't decide if I wanted pork chops and gravy with steamed vegetables or fresh corned beef with carrots, potatoes, cabbage, onions, rice with dipping sauce. So I made both and I added some fruits as well. I ended up making a fruit salad. Strawberry, kiwi, mango, mixed berries, cantaloupe, watermelon, mandarin, cherry, papaya and a squeeze of lemon. Then I made strawberry kiwi lemonade. Everyone seemed very pleased. Including my stomach. That night I slept like a baby. Later that night I had to poop really badly. So I went to the restroom. It hurt like crazy but nothing was coming out. My body started having really bad convulsions. Then everything came out at once. When I wiped I felt something strange. I pulled it back in front of me. My baby was in my hand. It was this tiny medium brown embryo. I watched it's chest move a few times then it just stopped. I wound up on the ground. Completely heart broken. Trying my hardest to get up. Finally kc came in to check on me. She helped me into the shower. There was blood everywhere. So as I showered she helped clean it up. By the time I got out of the shower I felt numb. I had felt alone and lost. Inside my head and in my heart all I felt was pain and sorrow. When I was with my kids or with Kc it helped but in short intervals. I ended up smoking Marijuana to help me along the way. Other times I used other things. None of which I was proud of. Then I began to drink again nothing hard though, mostly wine. I was living in a clean and sober house and breaking all the rules. Then child protected services showed up. Only this time they talked about how Kc was being accused of abusing my baby. They did an exam on her and found everything looked normal. They quickly closed the case and we moved on. Until one of the staff members did a room check. I didn't have anything in my room but I didn't pass the drug test. Since I had a Marijuana license. I did let them know I had a CBD pen. Which showed up on the drug test. They said technically it's medical but because it is a clean and sober living I cannot use it while in the program. Just like that my freedom restricted. I was put on probationary stay with community service. Which I refused to follow. Since I had a job that I seriously couldn't lose. I was trying to save money to get a car and a place. Missing work meant getting fired. Getting fired meant being stuck there longer and I no longer wanted to be there. So I grabbed all my camping gear social services gave me and I headed back to tent city. This time Kc followed us. As she found out it was her mother and sister who called. Her mother would rather her spend her life in prison for something she didn't do than see her happy. So Kc decided we were going to move together and so we did.