2

Callum knows more than anyone else how hard it is for him to feel emotions, or worse, understand them. They are complex. Fleeting. He has tried, of course, to feel what other people feel when they stare at flowers and get entranced by their texture and smell, gone to museums to find something that would speak to his soul and cause him to shed a tear. 

They never work. It never...

The soft rustling of the bed from the figure beside him has him turning, his eyes falling on a still sleepy-eyed Autumn. She had slept clinging unto him, and though he found physical discomforting, he never minded hers. Even now, her hands stretched to him, as if she couldn't bear to be away from his skin for too long and he, completely bent to her entire whim holds her hand and entwines it with his as she asks, her voice low, "Are you going somewhere, Cal?"

He shakes his head. "I'm just awake because of the time."

"Hmm?" Though he could tell she was completely exhausted from her night shift, she still managed to prop herself up with her elbow so she could stare at the clock, her mouth forming a slight 'o' as she spots the time. "It's five a.m. on the dot." Turning to look at him, she lets out a small yawn and uses one of her hands to rub at her eyes. "That's... Really impressive."

She's like a child. A big baby that seemed tough to the world but to him, required a lot of attention and love. Callum knew too well that she didn't just trust anyone with this side of her and he was grateful for that. That he was trustworthy. That he was useful to her somehow. That he wasn't exactly what everyone thought he was. 

No, no, he couldn't think like that. She loved him. She said so many times. That was all he should focus on. That was all he needed to live for. Callum stays quiet as he watches her slowly go back to sleep, his eyes wandering to the veins all over her neck, as her chest rises and falls with life while she clings to him like she can't imagine him escaping.

He knows that she needs him and also knows too well that it isn't an understatement. She never fails to let him know that he makes her happy, that she is dependent on him and he also knows that it isn't healthy. That she is supposed to have a life aside from him, but he can't bring himself to accept that. 

No one else was going to love her like he did. No one else could. If they did... Well, he didn't want to think of what he'd have to do but he also knew she loved him. She chose him. That was enough. 

Time passes so quickly that it upsets him. He doesn't want to leave her. She's truly the only thing in the world he can stand, the world outside... He doesn't want to think about it. Leaving the bed feels like he's pricking himself with thorns but he does it. She doesn't move, unaware as always. He loves how blissfully unaware she always is. He loves how she doesn't know most things. Well, she does know something but not a lot. 

Especially about him.

He showers and dresses, wearing their restaurant shirt and leaves food for her with five stick-it notes on the fridge telling her to eat. It was customary for her to not eat if he was never watching her. She had once said she did it because she loved being stared at by him. He was fortunate for the fact that she barely had any idea about how many times he had caught himself staring at her or watching his videos. 

After leaving a small kiss on her cheek and taking a picture he could use to satiate his craving for her for the day, he walks outside the house and almost instantly, someone brushes past his shoulder and keeps walking ahead. Immediately, he wants to walk into the house and curl back into the bed but he knows that's not a good enough reason to return home.

Callum needs the job to get her a new anniversary gift anyway. If he could make adequate money without having to leave their apartment, he would but life was a piece of shit and the people walking in it were disgusting creatures. 

Except her. Autumn was perfect. 

He gets to the restaurant in a few minutes, earlier than everyone else. They always open at 7:30 a.m. and it had become a ritual for him to be there an hour early to clean up when it was his shift. The other workers used to bother to do it at first but after Callum had made it clear that he actually didn't mind doing it alone, they stopped bothering. 

Perhaps it was because they once thought he did to get in the good graces of their manager, which was odd because the only reason he still worked there even though they knew his diagnosis was because their boss adored his efficiency but in truth, he only did it to get away from people. The first few minutes of silence, focusing on something else was good. It was exactly what he needed not to combust into flames. 

They come eventually, his colleagues and his boss. Everything's half set when they do so he focuses on taking out the trash while they work. A few people come in but he doesn't attend to them. The second he's finished with everything that needs to be taken out, he feels the boredom seeping into his soul. It's a terrible darkness, an almost mind-eating demon that has him craving his girlfriend even more.

The good thing is, he knows she's still asleep so he wouldn't torture himself with what exactly she's doing at the moment but when she does... When she does, he would want to see her. Know if she's eating, if she's alright being on her own. If there was anything she needed. A massage, a kiss, a hug, sex. 

They didn't fuck last night, even though he had initiated it, because she was worried about widening his wound. He barely felt it now and sex would have made everything better, it always did. 

Autumn didn't think so.

"Oh shit, dude. That looks bad." Callum can't remember the male's name as he walks to him but they all call him Metal anyway because of his aesthetic style. His many rings and dark emo make-up. And his music playlist. He doesn't care about the male but Autumn cares. He didn't like it but he could live with it. "You're bleeding a lot."

He lets his eyes move to his hand, pausing at the blood cascading out of the cut. Two thoughts come to his head as he stares at it. The fact that he must have let some blood drip all over his pristine floor and the second being how he was most definitely not going to have sex with Autumn tonight.

Metal gets closer, worry evident on his face. "Do you need help or—?"

"I'm fine," His voice is soft, emotionless. He does feel pain but his thoughts aren't focusing on it at the moment. Autumn would be upset he had reopened it. He didn't like her sad. She was going to worry again, thinking he hit a vein but he didn't. He couldn't have. He knew that too well, and yet...

His eyes move to Metal now, asking with genuine curiosity, "Do I sound like I'm in pain?"

Metal stares, not knowing the right answer to give. He's always thought Callum was cool, playing off the dark and mysterious part better than anyone else did, but deep down, the male terrified him. Yes, he wanted to be his friend but he couldn't figure out what exactly he wanted, especially now. "I don't... Think so? You sound... Calm."

A small frown creased his face, the small plan he had created crumbling to dust before he even fully began it. If he had seemed like he was in pain, he would have used it as an excuse to return to his wife and stay at least a little longer. He could fake the emotions, act like he was but that would be lying, wouldn't it?

Callum didn't want to go back to that life again, he really didn't want to. If he started like this, he would be unable to stop the next one that came out, justifying it till he was lying to Autumn's face, and he couldn't actually hurt himself more in a way that he would actually feel hurt because she would only get more mad. 

Quietly, like a rush of wind, a small voice that he had buried so deeply into his mind that he almost forgotten it whispered softly in his ear, "If an accident happened here at your workplace, they might let you go back home to her. Rest from the trauma, you know."

Carefully, he looks at Metal who's still standing there with a terrified look on his face. It would be easy to do something to him, wouldn't it? Anything could work, but just as the thought comes, he shakes his head to send it away. Autumn liked him and would be positively mortified if something happened to him. Plus, everyone would know it was him. Not that he had ever hurt anyone they knew before but they kept waiting for him to do so. Especially to Autumn. 

He never cared about their opinions but she did. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

"Get me something to stop the bleeding," He says, keeping his voice low now. "And you can do it slowly while you're at it. Don't worry about me bleeding. Take your time." He doesn't wait for him to leave and sits on the sidewalk, trying to stop the ringing in his head. 

He couldn't keep living like this. Callum needed her so much that he knew it was bad and it wasn't that he cared it was, but it was because he knew it would backfire at him somehow. He could keep loving her but he had to stop seeing everyone else as scarecrows because she cared for them and even though they were times he would think her opinion didn't matter because he knew she would do whatever he wanted but he wasn't going to treat her like a toy. 

A real breathing person. 

He just needed to fix himself. It was that simple. He was the problem. He had always been. Changing wasn't a problem, especially if it would give him more time to focus on something else that wasn't her.