Chapter 9 : Bittersweet Disappointment

When you were back in the car, you noticed that Ayaka was trying hard to hide her disappointment, while you were trying hard to subdue your vexation.

Holy crap! You had probably jinxed the night with your 'it can't get any worse' comment. This was an absolute shit show, YOU were an absolute shit show. Heck, your whole life at the this point, was the biggest shit show to ever grace the stage.

You realized you were failing to turn to look at her, whether it was from shame or guilt, you couldn't tell, but you loathed the feeling nonetheless. You parted your lips to speak, but all the words you knew were forgotten, and all that left your mouth was an awkward whimper.

What the hell were you supposed to say to her? You had just told her your dog was dying! You did not even own a dog! You hated yourself for not being able to come up with a better excuse on the spot, but the reality was that lying on the spot was not your forte.

Being the overly empathetic man you were, it dawned on you that a lot must have been running through her mind. She probably thought herself a little less attractive to you, after you changed your mind about having drinks so quickly. You felt terrible.

You wanted to reach for her and comfort her, to assure her that this had nothing to do with her. In fact, this was all your son's fault, what was he even doing at a lodge with his girlfriend at such an hour?! Wasn't he supposed to be in his room studying or watching prohibited videos like other boys his age?!

You sighed in defeat, who were you kidding? You were clearly just directing your frustration at your son when you knew you couldn't even confront him about all of this, lest you risked exposing your attempt at being promiscuous.

Your son was probably exactly where he was supposed to be, it was you who wasn't.

You tried hard to shove all the events that had happened the past hour to the back of your mind, so you could muster the constitution to speak to Aya about what had just happened. But your mind was still in shambles at the thought of your son catching you having a night out with another woman.

'I should go...' she mumbled, her eyes never looking your way. 'Home isn't too far from here, I can walk.'

'You idiot!' You thought to yourself, you needed to do or say something, anything at all!

When she looked up, the expression on her face crumbled your constitution, she looked disappointed and hurt, and it killed you that you were the seed that yielded such emotions.

You gulped hard, and like an emotionally depraved animal, you pulled her in for a kiss.

She was in shock at first, but ultimately she responded, surprising you both. You deepened the kiss, and again she responded to you. The sensation elicited from having being kissed back for the first time in years, it sent your mind to dark places.

You were about to pull her in and stir things up a bit more, but she placed her hands on your chest stopping you. You broke the kiss and looked at her, she was averting your gaze and sinking her teeth into her trembling plum lower lip.

'I have to go… ' she muttered.

You searched her face for a reason, even though there were many obvious ones you could come up with.

'This is wrong...' she said simply, pulled away and opened the car door. 'Goodnight Mr. Miller,' she added on and slammed your car door shut, simultaneously shattering your already chipped heart with it.

'What am I doing?' You mumbled to yourself in the darkness of your car. 'I don't even know who I am anymore.' You looked at your reflection in the rear view mirror and indeed, you did not recognize the man who was staring back at you.

You turned the ignition on, and pulled out of the lodge parking lot, contemplating on wether to go after Ayaka or not. But after the evening the two of you just had, it was probably for the best to leave her alone and hope that she got home safe. Her house wasn't TOO far, but it wasn't close either. However, it wasn't the time to escalate things by repeating the good deed that led to all of this.

The drive home was the longest you had ever had, even longer than the one you had when you got the call that your wife was in labor. At that time, you felt like your car wasn't moving fast enough, but now, you felt like twenty kilometers per hour was drawing you closer to home a bit too quickly.

As you passed the familiar landmarks that led to your house, your mind began to replace your anxious thoughts of Aya with those of the mother of your children. How in the world would you face your wife after what had happened tonight?

She would obviously be a little suspicious of you. You had a pretty timetabled life after all, and were always home by 6PM. You looked at your car's digital blinking watch that indicated it was almost 8. What would you say you were doing out so late? Was today just going to be a string of lies and bad events?

You sat for a few minutes in your car, trying to calm your racing heart, as you thought of a believable excuse for being so tardy. After convincing yourself that you had yourself put together, you got out of the car and walked as quietly as you could to your bedroom. The place where you were expecting to find your wife waiting up for you, armed with a barrage of questions.

But much to your bittersweet disappointment, your wife was already fast asleep when you opened your bedroom door, not the least bit bothered about your whereabouts that evening.

You sighed and took off your shoes before slipping into bed. You didn't bother taking your work clothes off, for fear that you would stir up more of your shitty luck. Might as well put an end to this day here and now.