3. Housewarming

I fucked up... real bad. The day I simply ruined everything. Miles' and Veronica's housewarming party. They moved together after only a few weeks of dating for practical reasons. Finally I met the friend group you three were always talking about. I was nervous, because I knew some of them didn't speak English that well, as they were immigrants like you and Miles. My introverted soul knew that I couldn't act like normal people, so I did what any other fifteen year old would do, and hid in the bathroom. Okay, maybe not every fifteen year old would do that, but I did as soon as I heard the door open. Veronica made me come out of the bathroom, and she poured me a drink. I didn't like it, it was the first time I drank alcohol. She introduced me to everyone and everyone to me.

Floyd, short funny guy with a bit of a temper. Really flirty guy, and a few months younger than me.

Ryan, a year younger than others, a little bit chubbier, also pretty funny, Floyd's cousin.

Keira, a really beautiful girl with dark hair, two years older than me, somehow related to you and Miles, a cousin from dad's side if I remember correctly.

Chloe, also a couple years older, didn't speak English at all.

And lastly Floyd's adopted brother Noel, who also didn't speak English.

As the alcohol hit my circulatory system, it wasn't so bad anymore. V and Miles clearly had some fun as they shoved us to their bedroom with no lights on, and left us there to talk things through. V was right, I wanted to see where we were going, 'cause we clearly liked each other. I was leaning out of the window getting some air as you walked to me and said

"Well they're having fun" with a chuckle. We talked. I asked you

"What are we exactly?" and your answer was

"I'm not ready to talk about this. I'm not drunk enough or sober enough." I was mad, but I let it be. I was stupid to think that someone would actually like me. A million things were racing in my head bouncing to each other, and I felt overwhelmed. This was definitely not the answer I was expecting. You saw that I was upset, so you pulled me in for a hug. I hugged you back, but after a few seconds I tried to leave the room. As I took a step back you pulled me back into your arms and kissed me. I was shocked. I was so shocked, I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. My first kiss, and I couldn't do anything. I was so embarrassed. I was still offended that I couldn't get a proper answer out of you. No, I didn't get an answer at all actually.

_____

I talked to V about what had just happened. She told me to forget about you, at least for the night. I agreed, because I didn't really have a mind of my own. I listened to every single person's opinion every time someone dared to open their mouth. I got attention from someone else. Floyd was asking me to dance, even though he was your best friend. Your best friend Max! And you just pretended that it was ok to you. I was drunk, I didn't think it through, so I danced with him. We danced and he kissed me aggressively. I didn't like it. He tasted like beer, cigarettes and mushrooms. Still, I don't know why but I didn't push him away. We went, well he dragged me outside to go smoke with him , and we kissed there. Other ones went to sleep, except my Veronica, who had a panic attack and left the apartment drunk with the car keys and without her phone. I was afraid for her. I know she often hurts herself when she has a panic attack, and this time she even took the car. I couldn't go to sleep not knowing if she was ok, so I waited. Floyd was trying to push me into having sex, but I didn't want to. He tried to rape me, took me into his arms and grabbed my ass and moved his hips to mine as I sat on his lap, where he put me.

_____

Miles came back from looking for V. Thank god, just in time. Floyd focused on comforting him. Turned out she was just sitting outside in the parking lot inside the car. I was relieved. I took advantage of the situation, said good night and left the room to go sleep next to you Max. I was trying to get away from Floyd all night, but he kept following me. I came into the room you were sleeping with Ryan and Noel. I layed down on the mattress on the floor next to you, and felt a moment of peace. That moment didn't last very long as your mushroom tasting, beer smelling friend came into the room, and laid down beside me rubbing himself to me and trying to kiss me. You left the room with Ryan to get something. I tried to say no to you but you kept pressuring me into having sex. Thank god you came back to the room to sleep. Floyd passed out, stole my blanket and breathed heavily on my neck.

"Aren't you cold?" You asked me, noticing that I was trying to sleep without a blanket.

"Well no 'cause this drunk ass is breathing down my neck." I said and you started laughing. We laughed together. I moved closer to you, and I ended up sleeping the night on the floor between two mattresses without a pillow or a blanket. I didn't even sleep at all, because you and the other three guys in the room were snoring so loud I couldn't hear my own thoughts.

_____

In the morning guys got up a little bit faster than me. I didn't sleep at all. I was just laying on the floor, when you and Ryan started laughing uncontrollably.

"What?" I asked. You didn't answer and kept laughing and pointing at Floyd and me.

"What? Just tell me already!" I said and started laughing myself. You didn't say anything, so I got up and looked. To my surprise I saw Floyd covered in pee. He really had peed himself. I laughed a bit but mostly I felt bad for him, 'cause I knew how embarrassing it was going to be to him when he woke up. You kept laughing, but I guess you had the right to that. He was your best friend after all.

_____

I regret everything. As much as you tried to pretend like everything was ok, it wasn't. I didn't want any of that. Well maybe I did. Not me, but the drunk me, the side of me who wanted to experience and have a break from my normal life. Still, I went to say Floyd that the night was a mistake and that I really liked you Max. I said I wanted nothing to do with him, because you're all I see in my life at the moment. You floated away, created distance between us. I couldn't blame you, it was my fault. I was the one who didn't think of anyone else other than myself.

_____

A week later you were celebrating Keira's birthday in some rental cottage. I wasn't sure if I was really invited, but it didn't matter 'cause I was sick. I had fever, and I was so sad that everyone else was going out and having fun without me. I know I was new, but I still thought I was a part of the friend group. I was sad, mad, confused, so I had some kind of a panic attack. I took a knife, sat on the couch and pressed the knife to my shoulder. I cut once, twice and a third time with tears in my eyes. I pointed it all to myself. I thought you didn't like me. "Why you have to be so fucking fat and ugly and boring.." I mumbled angrily to myself as I cut my shoulder again and again. An hour later my phone rang. It was Veronica.

"Hey V, what's up?" I answered the phone.

"You need to come here! Max is asking everyone where you are and says he wants you here!"

I was shocked. You really said that? I didn't think about it more. Sick or not, I was coming.

I drove thirty miles with a scooter in freezing cold weather to you. Not saying freezing cold as a figure of speech, it was actually 30F, so there was literally ice. Still I made it,even though my phone died on my way there.

_____

You were having fun with the others. I was sitting on the corner alone, scrolling through my phone as soon as I got a charger. You pulled me to dance for a few moments, but I stopped as soon as I saw Keira rubbing her ass against you. I was so confused, you seemed to enjoy it. Not confused about the fact some girl was rubbing herself against your hips, but the fact that the girl was your cousin? I left it be. Overall the night was not worth it. I should've stayed at home. I wanted to sleep next to you, but I was afraid. Oh yeah I also embarrassed myself in front of you again, but that is nothing new anymore.