I'm Still Here

 Is it too much to ask for something magical, something extraordinary, something out of this world? Being raised in a conservative family regarding relationships, and in a society where fear is prevalent everywhere, I went from a kid who used to dream about doing everything alone, traveling, going on hikes and adventures, starting business ventures, to a young adult who wishes, even prays desperately for a prince, her soulmate who could make her feel secure, who could fulfill her fantasies, as she realized how impossible they have become. Sometimes I wonder maybe I am creating these invisible boundaries for myself, and I just need to break them, while other times it's the society and my family. And I cannot break those barriers without consequences. There is so much I want and I don't know how to get it. There's so much I want to experience, and I keep stopping myself from the ridiculous reasoning such as it's raining, to a few realistic ones like I don't have money or I have to save money. Honestly, I don't know what to say. I want something, and I don't know how or what it is.

I watch the happy couples, I realize those are TV dramas and all, but can I not have that as well? I want to go on bike rides with my soulmate, I want to have fun. I want to sleep under a starry sky. I want a home where I can relax. But most importantly, I want someone I can trust my heart to, someone who would know and actually knows me, not the superficial kind.

I want to go read in a bookstore and spend hours there, while simply being engrossed in the story. I want to be knowledgeable about various topics. I want to be someone who's consistent. I want someone who loves me with his soul but doesn't make me feel suffocated, and I could accept his love. I want to go on random adventures with him and have the cutest meetings with him. I want to give my all to him as he does to me. I want to dance in the rain with him. I want him to go with all my impulses.

I want him to protect me from even myself. I know it's a little impossible, but that's what I want. I want him to be possessive about me but give me freedom. I want all the cute moments. I want to laugh till my heart's content. I just… I just want something. But I don't know if I am going to get it. I read stories like this to calm my heart, but I also realize how it's losing its effectiveness. I don't understand properly, but I am trying to.

I understand that even wanting something like this is a big request for the little girl who used to hate guys because they took away her freedom as everything was said to be her fault. But now, something has changed, and it is challenging the little girl in me. I wish life was easy; I wish for so many things. I wish I could understand myself. I wish I could understand others. People are interesting. I am weird, huh? I like how each individual is exactly the same while being vastly different from each other. We all can understand each other's pain, but we can never truly feel it. We can empathize with it, but that's the extent of it.

Humans are weird; we are never truly content. However, there are times where we are extremely and weirdly content, but those times are the ones where you are in front of a superior being; God. The one who created us, who blessed us, who gave us everything. It's weirdly calming when you leave everything in his hands, but we are not even satisfied by that, are we?

I am not very religious as I rarely do any religious practices. I feel guilty even saying that, but it's the truth. However, if my heart is connected to something, it's only God, who I trust and who actually knows me, and in front of whom I can just be myself and I can say stuff without being misunderstood. And I keep on praying, for things I have and for things I want to have. Because of God, I have been protected. It was all because of him; I never took any drastic measures. It's because of him I appreciate everything; it's because of him I am who I am, and I am truly grateful for each and everything I have, especially my family.

It's just a little difficult with how society is nowadays and even more so a few years back. It was at a very weird point. But now, at the very least, I can say my thoughts without the fear of being criticized. All those times when guys used to stare at me and I was told to cover up, it was not my fault. I wanted to be like other kids, dress as fashionably.

Honestly, I don't know; I was weirdly very innocent then and sweet. I remember the first time I learned about calories, I prayed for God to make it so that I need fewer calories, so that kids and people who are starving could have more to eat. I was all for equality. I realize now that it's difficult, but I guess it's not about equality but fairness, having a fair society. I cannot even portray it properly in my mind. Funny, huh?

I guess I am still the same but a little different. I have grown up. I stopped dreaming about things that have been marked as impossible. That's not true; I still dream about those things, but it's just I try not to. Oh, so that's why I am so fascinated by the zombie apocalypse, the survival, and all. It's horrifying, I do understand it, but it's thrilling and oh so fantastic. Society takes a turn for the worst, but it's just the things that were hidden that come out.

And I just love those stories with powers and zombies, where humans also mutate; they are so good. Just running and surviving and doing ish. I mean, I do understand how terrifying it is, and it won't be fun when it happens, but still, my mind keeps going there. Whenever I have such a dream, I feel so refreshed. I just remembered, surprisingly I have never killed a zombie in my dreams.

Oh, damn it, I remembered how in my dreams, nowadays, is my soulmate. I can never see his face, but he's always there somehow. Comforting me. A few nights ago, I had a dream, and it was very weird. I mean, I kind of knew I was dreaming, but at the same time, did not, and I was very deep in my dreams. It felt like a second level of dreams. Everything was fantastic; I could touch things, I held a hand and I could feel its warmth, and I asked someone to hit me, and I was actually able to feel it a little. All these things were very subtle, but they were there, and it was wonderful. And whenever I started thinking too much, I would be on the verge of waking up, and I would forcibly make myself not wake up and continue, but I felt like there was danger as well. Like if I made myself sleep a little more deeply, I would be in a state like a coma. I don't know; it was just a feeling, but this dream was fantastic. The funny thing was that I was praying the whole time…