Eternal Simp: Adventures in awkwardness

Jason Blumbley had reincarnated more times than he could count. And in every life, he was a simp—a super awkward, hopeless romantic who perpetually fell head over heels for women who barely noticed him. This life was no different. If anything, it was worse.

Jason stumbled out of bed, tripping over the pile of laundry that had been building up for weeks. His mother, Brenda, was already in full swing downstairs, her voice a constant, unending stream of chatter.

"Jason, honey! Are you up yet? You're going to be late for work! Did you remember to change your underwear? You know what they say about wearing clean underwear in case of an accident!"

Jason groaned, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He knew better than to argue. His mother had a way of turning every conversation into an hour-long monologue about the importance of cleanliness, proper nutrition, and why he needed to find a nice girl to settle down with. Not that she was wrong about that last part. Jason desperately wanted a girlfriend. It was just that every attempt ended in disaster.

As he shuffled into the kitchen, his father, Bob, greeted him with a loud and inappropriate joke.

"Morning, Jase! Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything! Kinda like your love life, huh?" Bob roared with laughter at his own joke, slapping Jason on the back so hard he nearly choked on his cereal.

"Thanks, Dad," Jason muttered, trying to disappear into his breakfast. But there was no escape.

"Jason, sweetheart, did you know that when I was your age, I already had three girlfriends?" Brenda started, leaning over the kitchen counter with a wistful look in her eyes. "You need to get out there more! Find a nice girl, settle down. Maybe join a club or something. I hear the knitting club is looking for new members."

"Mom, I don't think joining a knitting club is going to help my dating life," Jason said, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

His best friend, Tim, had been feeding him terrible dating advice since middle school. "Just be yourself," Tim would say. "Girls love honesty." The problem was, being himself involved a lot of nervous sweating, stammering, and general awkwardness that seemed to repel women rather than attract them.

Tim burst into the kitchen like a whirlwind, his enthusiasm infectious but utterly misplaced. "Jason! I've got the perfect plan for you today. There's this new girl at the coffee shop, and I heard she's single. You just need to walk up to her and say, 'Hey, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?' Works every time."

Jason sighed. "Tim, that's the worst line I've ever heard."

"Nonsense! Trust me, it's foolproof!" Tim clapped him on the back, nearly knocking him over.

Later that day, Jason found himself at the coffee shop, rehearsing the line under his breath. He could see her behind the counter, a vision of beauty that made his heart skip a beat. He took a deep breath and walked up to her, his hands shaking.

"Hi, do you, um, believe in love at first sight, or should I, um, walk by again?" he stammered, his face turning bright red.

She looked at him, eyebrow raised. "I'm sorry, what?"

Jason's mind went blank. "I—uh—never mind. Can I just get a coffee, please?"

As he waited for his drink, he silently cursed Tim and his terrible advice. Just then, he felt a strange sensation, like he was being pulled out of his body. Everything around him started to blur and shift. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them, he was standing in the middle of a medieval village.

"What the—?"

"Ah, welcome, brave soul!" a booming voice said. Jason turned to see a knight in shining armor. "You have been chosen to save our realm from the dark sorcerer!"

Jason blinked. "I'm sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I was just trying to get a coffee."

The knight laughed heartily. "No mistake, my friend. You are the hero we've been waiting for!"

Jason looked around, bewildered. Medieval peasants bustled about, and the smell of roasted meat filled the air. He glanced down at his own clothes, which had somehow transformed into a set of ragged peasant garb.

"Great," he muttered. "Just great."

He tried to think of a way out of this bizarre situation, but before he could, a beautiful woman in a flowing dress approached him. "Oh, brave hero," she said, batting her eyelashes. "Will you save us from the dark sorcerer?"

Jason's heart pounded. She was stunning. Maybe this was his chance to finally be a hero and win the girl. He straightened up, trying to look confident. "Of course, fair maiden. I will do my best."

She smiled sweetly, and Jason felt his knees go weak. "Thank you, brave hero. You have no idea how much this means to us."

As she walked away, Jason couldn't help but feel a glimmer of hope. Maybe this life would be different. Maybe he could finally be the hero and get the girl.

But as he set off on his quest, he quickly realized that being a hero was a lot harder than it looked. He tripped over roots, got lost in the forest, and nearly got eaten by a dragon.

By the time he stumbled back into the village, he was battered, bruised, and covered in mud. The beautiful woman looked at him with a mix of pity and disappointment.

"I'm so sorry," Jason said, feeling more like a failure than ever. "I tried, but I'm just not cut out for this hero stuff."

She sighed. "It's okay. We'll just have to find another hero."

Jason's heart sank. Even in another world, he couldn't catch a break. He closed his eyes, wishing he could go back to his normal, awkward life. When he opened them, he was back in the coffee shop, holding his cup of coffee.

"Jason, are you okay?" the barista asked, looking concerned.

"Yeah," he said, shaking his head. "Just a weird daydream."

He took his coffee and left, wondering if he would ever find a place where he truly belonged. Maybe one day, in one of his many lives, he would finally get it right.

Until then, he was just Jason Blumbley, the eternal simp.