Chapter three “I don’t belong here…”

The light fades away; it's a gloomy day again. I never thought that I would hate rain and gloomy weather so much. Whenever the rain came, I knew that something bad would happen to me. Whenever I saw those dark clouds, I drank in fear—fear of getting hurt. Raza came again today, and while he was talking about the school and the classes, I was thinking about why he keeps visiting me and talking to me while I don't even say a word to him. All I know is that we are staring at each other, and neither of us takes his eyes from the other. Then the door opened; they were the police. I was ready all day to hear some bad news, but I never expected what I just heard.

"Your father is the one who tried to rape you that night, but he didn't know that you were his daughter, and when he knew, he committed suicide".

He spells this entire out in one sentence. Did he realize what he had even said? The time has stopped. Why is everything dark? I can't see anything. Why can I't breathe? Is there no air in the room? Then I heard Raza's voice. I don't know what he said, but I saw his hand trying to catch my hand, and I screamed out loud and pushed him away. I fell to the floor, and I kept screaming. I felt like my lungs would go out of my chest. My throat hurts, but it's nothing compared to the pain I feel inside of me. I know that my parents hate me, but I didn't know that they were monsters. I'm sure that my mom is blaming me right now since she loved my dad more than me.

At the funeral, I was standing just there under that huge tree. I was dragged by my cousin. I didn't want to be there, and I didn't want to see anyone, especially my mom. The moment she saw me, she ran to me. I stepped backward; I didn't want to be touched. She pushed me to the grass too hard; my small body was in pain.

"He is gone because of you; you killed him. Give me your soul; you don't deserve it." And she fell down crying.

I don't understand. What happened to me? I really can't understand why it must go this way. I already hate myself; isn't that enough? Every time the rain comes, it fuels this feeling. My mom wants my soul; that dark soul is enough.

After 2 weeks, I moved to live with my cousin. Among all of my family, she is the one who I feel can sometimes understand me. She was so happy to take me with her. I accepted to live with her on one condition: «Don't ever touch me; don't let your skin touch mine, whatever happens". I was surprised that she didn't ask why, and I was happy that I didn't need to explain to her. She prepared a pretty room for me. Its midnight, and I can't sleep. When I close my eyes, I keep seeing the image of my mom and remembering her words. I just realized that I really don't belong here.