Chapter 5: A Grave on Virmire

But not like this.

Standing on that bridge, all she could see was Akuze all over again. Swatches of blood and teeth streaked across her vision and before she knew it, all her friends were dead. It couldn't be happening again. She couldn't let it happen again.

Next to her, Tali laid a gentle hand on her arm and said, "Shepard?"

That's when Anya had to remind herself that these friends weren't dead, not yet. And she had to make a choice. A horrible choice, but making no choice would be worse. But she didn't want to make her friend a hero like this.

Ashley was protecting a bomb that would go off with or without her. Kaidan had a whole team with him, and they'd risked their lives to make sure her part of the mission was successful. Furthermore, they had intel on Saren and the Geth that could be invaluable to the war that might be coming. By the numbers, there was only one choice.

It didn't mean she didn't feel like total bullshit about it. After all her promises, and Shepard had to fail her. Taking a deep breath, Anya said, "Ash, I'm--"

"Don't sweat it, Commander. Save them. I would."

There was so much more Anya wanted to say, to apologize for, to get a proper goodbye with her friend. But then Kaidan and Kirrahe were on the other line screaming for help and she had to go, or they'd die, too.

As she started to run away from the bomb site, she yelled into her comms, "You're one of the best damn soldiers I ever met, Ashley Williams."

"Thanks, Shep."

Before she cut her own comms off, she added. "Give 'em hell." Because she didn't know what else to say.

After that, everything was so blurry. Her blood was practically boiling, shooting at Saren. He was the reason all of this was happening. He killed Nihlus. He killed Benezia. He killed Ashley. And he didn't give a damn.

Well, Anya was going to make sure that her pistol to the back of his skull would change that.

But then the coward ran off with his Geth the second he realized she was putting real dents in him. Wrex had to hold her back from trying to throw herself at their ship, but for thirty seconds, he helped her smash every collapsed Geth left on the platform. That is, until Joker showed up with the Normandy. Then Wrex and Tali dragged her towards the ship because Virmire was blowing up.

Shepard didn't mean to kick or scream when they did it. Smashing robot heads was all she had when she couldn't go back and get Ash. And being pulled onto the Normandy made it real and she didn't want that.

She always hated that her Commander's choices helped let her live while everyone else ended up dead. And now she did the same damn thing to someone who looked just like the patriotic soldier she used to be. Anya wasn't sure what that meant about who she'd become, and she definitely wasn't proud of it. But, duty called, right?

When she got in the Normandy's cockpit with everyone else, all she wanted to do was curl up on the ground and cry. But the second she glanced at her team? Wrex was destitute and looked ready to storm off, Liara was tending to Kaidan's arm wound and they were holding each other, Tali was sitting close to Joker at the front console. And Garrus? He was leaning against the wall, staring into the corner.

She got her freedom to let loose down there. Now that they could all breathe and realize what they'd lost, it was time for her to step the fuck up and be the Commander.

As the Normandy soared up into the sky, she could see the complex slowly exploding below them. And it made it harder to watch, knowing that they were seeing Ash blow up, too. Kinda ruined any real feelings of victory. But she couldn't stand letting them walk away feeling empty. Before anyone could leave, Anya spoke to her crew. "We've just lost good people down on that planet. And now we're chasing down Saren to save the galaxy. Take the little time we have to grieve, but then be ready to give 'em hell when we get there. For Ash."

People nodded around her. No one cheered or anything, but it seemed to take a weight off their shoulders. After all, with one speech she took some of their pain and made it hers. It was what a good commander did. As each of them walked past her, she patted shoulders and said as many positives as she could.

She wanted to cry, too, but she didn't have the time for it. The least she could do was alleviate their suffering and guilt.

Once everyone else walked by her, all that was left in that narrow hallway was her and Garrus. He brought his brooding next to her and said, "You don't have to keep up that face with me. I want to help you carry the burden, remember?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I have to let you."

"I know Ash meant a lot to you. You have a soft spot for headstrong soldiers who don't always do what they're told. Wonder why."

Anya laughed, but it hurt on the way down. "Can it, Vakarian."

"At least I got you to laugh."

Looking up at him, Anya could see how desperate he was to help her. But right now wasn't a time she could let him. "Honestly? If I stop focusing on Saren and actually talk about what I'm feeling, I'll start crying or screaming. And I don't know how long it'll take me to stop. So if you're really feeling like doing the emotional baggage stuff, buy me a drink after this and I'll cry for you."

"I thought we weren't doing drunk again."

Anya scoffed, remembering herself falling all over him. "I'd rather deal with being a drunken embarrassment than keeping all this bottled up inside. Losing Ash is just too... And you could say I don't need alcohol for that, but if I'm gonna be honest I don't know if I can let go without it."

"Shepard--"

"Yeah, I know. Sounds pathetic."

"No. Sounds like a lot of pain." His put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. It was more comfort than she'd like to admit. "You know what? If it helps, I'll risk the booze again, too."

"Now we just have to make it outta here alive."

"For a chance to know all your dirty secrets and regrets? I'll shoot Saren myself. Granted, I would do that anyway. Always was one to go for the killshot." Garrus walked off, but for the rest of the night he seemed to keep an eye out for her, while the crew had dinner and avoided the pain of losing Ash. In some ways, it was endearing. In others, exhausting.

After all, she wasn't supposed to be thinking about him too much. That was the rule here. Anya was kinda breaking it when she couldn't stop thinking about going to a quiet place and just letting him hold her so tightly that her painful thoughts might have time to shut up.

So, she almost felt relieved when she got back to her room. Sure, she was just pouring over all the intel she could and it wasn't relaxing at all, but it was better than having to be strong. The night had been long and it was just nice to be alone, frown, and do what she needed to do to be prepared for tomorrow.

The fate of the galaxy could change tomorrow. No pressure or anything.

By morning she'd be facing off with Saren on a Prothean world, Ilos, trying to stall these so-called Reapers wanting to destroy the galaxy. It all sounded like an insane nightmare cooked up as "The worst-case scenario threat to happen on the first day of Spectres".

Well, Anya Shepard had all the luck, didn't she?

After an hour or two, she couldn't learn anything else from their tactical plans or the geographical readings, so she was just stuck sitting there and waiting. She probably shouldn't be, though. If anything, Anya should be getting some rest.

But hard to get some rest when you know you buried your friend a few hours ago and didn't have the time to fall the fuck apart about it. Ash was someone who deserved for Anya to lose all her shit when grieving.

She could still remember picking her up on Eden Prime, and how elastic and eager she was to join up, to stop the bad guys. Ashley had an opinionated bite to her, but she was still a soldier who wanted to do good things. Garrus was right. She reminded Anya of the person she used to be before the suicide missions started.

Only a few minutes into thinking about Ash, Anya was regretting it. Well, she didn't regret it. But she knew there was only so much thinking and pushing she could do before tonight was about Ash, not prepping herself for Saren.

And it was bullshit that she had to push thoughts of Ash away, but the state of the galaxy was bullshit right now, and so was the fact that she was hunting down a person who was supposed to help save it.

So, instead, she just was staring up at her ceiling, shoving the memory of Ash's face away, trying to picture an ending where every other member of this crew was safe and everything wasn't in peril anymore.

But just as she was starting to do a damn good job at keeping the fatalism away, there was a knock at her door. Considering the lateness, Anya was a little perplexed. All of her people were supposed to be asleep.

Opening the door, the metal slid open to show a messy-haired Kaidan Alenko with shaky hands. Anya didn't even know what to say. Her neurons fried and fused the second his brown eyes met hers, looking desperate. "Shepard. I- I was wondering if we could talk."

Her hands were still at her side; she could barely move a molecule. Seeing him like this came out of left field. If anyone checked on her tonight, she would've assumed it would be--

Well, maybe it was about time she stopped assuming things. She assumed she was going to be Ash's mentor, and look how that worked out.

After a moment of staring at him like she just got a shot of nerve poison, Anya nodded, her loose hair shaking around her face, trying to be less on edge. He could just be here as a friend, right? Maybe he just needed a pep talk. "Yeah, sure. Come in."

Kaidan walked past her like he was afraid to touch her, and Shepard hoped to take that as a good sign. She shut the door behind him and asked, "The mission get to your nerves?"

Her handsome lieutenant chuckled and turned back to look at her with this uncertain smile. "You could say that." Before Anya could get in another word, Kaidan stepped towards her and the mood of the conversation started changing. It got intimate. And she didn't like it. "It's all just so much. Saren, the Geth, Reapers... I knew when I joined the Alliance that things would be dangerous and I was proud to be apart of it. But now we've lost Ash, and now there's... I just can't wrap my head around the fact this might be the last night I'm alive. Or the last night I ever have a chance to tell you how I feel."

Suddenly, Anya felt suffocated. Kaidan had proverbial hearts in her eyes and she wanted to scream. She cared so much about him and she couldn't stand putting him in a bad headspace right before Ilos, but this couldn't be happening. He couldn't be stepping towards her and looking so in love when the only person she even sort of wanted to see tonight was not him.

Hell, even if Garrus Vakarian never walked into her life and made it more confusing, she still wouldn't want this.

"Shep- Anya. I just want to--" And then Kaidan did the unthinkable. He closed the space between them, went to grab her waist, and tried to pull her in for a kiss. Her entire body recoiled and, before she could try to let him down gently, her fist let him down very, very heavily.

When her hand collided with his face, Kaidan fell to the floor. Anya felt instant regret. Reaching for his hand, he just looked up at her with this gaping horror. It made her feel like more of a monster than she already felt today. "Kaidan, I'm sorry. I just..." He stood up on his own and looked like he'd been betrayed. "I don't see you that way."

"But you always came to see me--"

Anya wanted to be kind, but she was so frustrated and over all of this. She'd been tiptoeing around her own ship for weeks. "I came to see everyone. I should've told you to back off sooner, I know, but I wanted to focus on this mission. I never thought it would get to this point." She pressed her face into her hands and then added, "For christ's sake, Alenko, I'm your CO, how did you think showing up to my room would go? The fate of the galaxy is at hand. I care a lot about you, but this... I should've put you in line before, but I have to do it now."

Kaidan rubbed his jaw, but there were no marks forming. Luckily the punch was a surprise to Anya herself. It wasn't a very good one. "I get it. I'm an idiot. Sorry for bothering you."

Before he could pass by her, Anya grabbed his arm and met his brown eyes. "Just because I don't feel that way doesn't mean I want you getting hurt tomorrow. Remember that."

"On your order, Commander." Then he pulled himself out of her grasp and left the room. Shepard just watched him go and kept staring in that direction long after he left. The whole thing was so surreal.

Fuck.

As much as Anya just wanted to get her head straight and remember her priorities, her thoughts were swimming. Left alone, all she'd have was Kaidan's face plastered in her mind all night. She couldn't do that for hours, just worry about what she'd done to him.

Christ, who the fuck invented romance, anyway? It was bullshit.

What she needed right now was a distraction. And not just any, but a goddamn friend.

Anya knew who she wanted to be with right now, but she didn't know if it was a good idea. But if there was no booze and all she wanted was a friend tonight anyway, what could the harm be?

Getting on her datapad, she sent GV a message.

AS: Can't sleep. Cards in my room?

When she started to put her pad down, she didn't expect it to vibrate with a response back before she could even put it away.

GV: Me neither. Be there in a sec.

While Anya couldn't ignore the butterflies in her stomach, she realized they didn't really matter right now. Well, they mattered. They still were doing a Russian ballet all across her stomach lining.

But what mattered was this night was shit, and despite all her platitudes she was terrified, and her best friend was going to come over and make it better. That, or at least help her forget for awhile.

This time, when her door pinged at her, she opened it with a relieved smile. And there he was, tall shoulders, bright blue eyes, and all the familiarity she needed. "Need a friend for the end of the galaxy?"

Shepard nodded and welcomed him in. "Always."

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