Camping with an Intoner

"Well, that was a waste of time!" Zero exclaimed, throwing her hands up and sitting on a rock beside the fire, her head resting on her hands and arms on her legs.

"Speak for yourself, I have never been happier in my entire life. I'm finally free from that bitch!" Ditto paced back and forth, citing everything he intended to do now that he was away from his Intoner.

"The shorty one is annoying. Can I eat him?" The black dragon asked, lying beside the trees, his form blending with the shadows.

"I am seriously considering allowing you to." I muttered, cooking dinner for everyone. We're having sea serpents tonight, courtesy of Mikhail and the black dragon.

Speaking of Mikhail, the dragon sat beside the fire like a human being. A comical sight that made me smile under my helmet. Then, I placed my bottomless bag on top of a rock and prepared to remove my kitchen utensils.

"Hey, what will you do?" Mikhail asked curiously.

"Cook dinner." I removed a great ax from my bag while Zero, Dito, and Mikhail stared surprised with mouths open and wide eyes.

"Well, that's something you don't see every day." Ditto approached the bag.

"Wow, this is so cool! How did that ax fit in there? Is it a magic bag?" Mikhail eyed the bag closely.

"What the fuck?! "Zero quickly stood up and reached towards my bag…

SLAP!

...But she never touched it, as I slapped her hand away.

"Hey, what the hell were you thinking?!" She prepared to draw her sword.

"I'm the one asking, what were you thinking touching my property?"

"Wow, I will not steal your shit! I was just curious how this magical bundle worked!" She shook her stricken hand.

"Hump! Knowing your reputation, I wouldn't be surprised to find some weapons missing, and it is a bottomless bag."

"Hey, It's good that you know! Better keep an eye on this thing, you could miss it without realizing it. And bag, bundle, whatever! What matters is how this thing works! What else do you have there?" She shrugged and returned to her seat, watching expectantly.

"I believe I can give you a little demonstration while I prepare our food." I sighed, withdrawing a small glowing creature instead of a weapon.

"Is the food ready?" The fairy asked, her head popping out of my closed fist.

"Almost, it will be ready soon." I released Eupherbia, who settled on my shoulder.

The fairy noticed the new addition to the group. Her eyes widened and she whispered nervously in my ear.

"PSH! Are you sure it's a good idea to take this crazy bitch with us?"

"I wonder the same thing." I replied, removing the Secret Dagger from my bag.

"I heard that!" Zero snarled, causing the faerie to hide behind me.

"Don't worry, I'll deal with her if she tries anything." I removed several rapiers of different designs right after.

"Oh, and what makes you think that?" She crossed her arms, smiling amusedly.

"I've said this many times, but believe me, you're not the worst thing I've faced." I held the great ax with both hands and sliced the serpents.

"Is that so, and what could be worse than me? The terrible and cruel Intoner Zero."

"A building-sized knight, a flaming demon that grows stronger as it receives damage, a colossal flying stingray... I almost forgot, a mountain-sized dragon!"

"Ooohhh! He must be scary!" Mikhail shook in fear.

"Certainly, a great dragon, a mass of muscle and orange scales, six glowing red eyes and two rows of sharp, sword-sized teeth, colossal hands, and feet capable of crushing any fortification."

"Bullshit!" Zero dismissed my assertions, either because she didn't believe, or to calm the young dragon.

"Yes... She is right... Teeth the size of swords... Red glowing eyes..." He muttered, covering his face with his wings.

"I'm truthful, after all, I possess the weapon specifically made to slay it." I stopped removing the scales from the sliced meat with my dagger and took the said weapon from my bag.

Everyone stared with their mouths agape as the huge piece of metal left the small bag, taking seconds to reveal itself fully. They probably wondered if it had no end.

I held the sword with one hand before slamming it into the ground, cracking the earth and causing a small tremor.

"Holy crap! Look at this thing! I bet you can turn a person into a paste with just one swipe! Just imagining the guts flying through the air! The crack of bones turning to dust! It makes me so…" Ditto screamed his fantasies as he analyzed the blade to the smallest detail.

He grabbed the hilt with both hands, but the piece of crude metal didn't even budge, he kept trying, his face turning red in the effort, sweat running down his forehead, and muscles flexing, but there was no result.

Then, he released the weapon, crossing his arms and looking away, kicking the ground in frustration.

Zero, on the other hand, was more restrained, even so, she looked at the weapon with surprise, admiration, and a touch of wildness in her gaze. Surely, she imagined herself using the sword.

"Where the fuck did you get that thing?" She ran her finger along the sword's edge, realizing it had no blade. A piece of raw, solid metal forged into the shape of a sword, a completely blunt weapon made to crush until nothing remained.

"This is the Dragon Bone Smasher, forged by ancient Stonefang burrowers to battle dragons. A thick, bladeless mass of iron enchanted to shield its wearer from flames, but due to its immense weight, blacksmiths joke that it can hardly be called a sword, rather an insult to anyone who considers himself a swordsman."

"What the hell were they thinking? There are better ways to face a dragon."

"They thought of killing the dragon I mentioned. They worshiped the dragon's enchanted bones, as they made ores sprout from the ground, but they feared it would someday return to life, so they forged two colossal harpoons and a Dragon Bone Smasher just in case."

"And according to what you said, the dragon eventually returned to life." Zero walked around the sword, analyzing the weapon.

"Not exactly, the original dragon remained dead, but a copy of it was created." I skewered the slices onto the rapiers and roasted them.

"You gotta be kidding me! If what you're saying is true, then it would be impossible to recreate such a dragon. Even if it were possible, who would do that?" Zero gripped the hilt of the sword with both hands while smiling widely.

"Not a man, but a demon."

"Hump! There you go talking crazy shit again. Demons this, Demons that, demons do not exist." She raised the sword toward the skies and watched it midst the moonlight.

"Believe me, demons exist and that flower in your eye seems like one."

Her smile gave way to a grimace, she frowned and pressed her lips together in a thin line.

"So, you know about the flower."

"Only what the black dragon told me."

She glared at said dragon, irritated, the dragon glared back while baring its fangs.

"Don't give me that look, brat, I do as I please. It just so happened that my partnership with the knight eventually led to the issue of the flower in your eye and your sisters. You handed this thing terribly." The black dragon snarled.

"It would help if I wasn't interrupted by a bunch of idiots every five minutes!" Zero replied.

"HA! Or if you didn't spend every day fucking every guy that comes your way. Don't lie, I've heard the rumors of Intoner Zero, the pink-eyed, man-eating witch." Eupherbia said from behind my shoulder with a cocky smile on her face.

She snarled in rage and charged toward the faerie, but she stopped when I placed a rapier with skewered meat in front of her face.

"Is ready," I said emotionlessly.

She growled in frustration, tossing the Dragon Bone Smasher aside, and accepted the rapier, biting the meat.

"Not bad." She returned to her previous spot with her mood lifted.

I handed one piece to Ditto and one to Eupherbia, in the faerie's case, the meat stood on a throwing knife. As for the dragons, they received several pieces, both voraciously eating their food.

"Delicious! Thank you for the food, Sir Edric!" Mikhail spoke.

"You're welcome." I picked a rapier with meat skewered on it while Zero and Ditto watched curiously.

Neither had seen me without my helm, so this would be a good time to discover what I looked like. Well, it is a shame. They both looked with disbelief as I brought the meat close to my mouth and bit off a piece without removing my helmet.

"What the fuck?!" Zero exclaimed.

"Meh! Weird, but not the weirdest thing I saw. The meat is good by the way, so hot and juicy. HEHEHE!" Ditto shrugged.

"You'll get used to it, but I don't think this is the last weird quirk this human has. Trust me, I followed him for a while." The black dragon spoke between bites.

"Is this a magic trick?" Mikhail asked.

"I give up, you're weird, you say weird things, act weird and carry a bunch of weird stuff. I will just eat and forget what I saw." Zero spoke with her mouth full, pointing the rapier at me.

"What can I say? I pride myself on appearing vaguely humanoid and resistant to physical harm." I laughed, biting the meat again. A few minutes passed, chewing and the crackling fire being the only noises.

"The flower in your eye, where did it come from?" I asked, breaking the silence.

"I don't know and don't care." Zero replied.

"What does it do exactly?"

"It turned me into an Intoner." She answered again, slightly irritated by my questions.

"What is an Intoner, exactly?"

"Can you stop, please?! Come on, why are you asking so many questions?! You have nothing to do with that! You shouldn't have meddled where you weren't called! Midgard's affairs have nothing to do with you! Where do you come from anyway?!"

"Boletaria." I answered with a note of sadness.

"Hump! Never heard of it!"

"Not surprising, the people of Midgard don't seem to know about Boletaria and its neighboring kingdoms."

"Nice, a little knight from nowhere minding other people's business!"

"I'm sorry, but your business became mine as soon as I felt that flower." I pointed at Zero, who looked at me surprised.

"Can you feel it?"

"Yes, a being of pure malice, I can feel its magic from afar, on your sisters too."

"HAHAHA! Who would know? Someone here knows the truth about the Intoners and the song." She laughed in a mixture of amusement and anger.

"Yes, the Intoners are not goddesses and the song is not a divine power. Whatever you are, you exude the same aura as the demons I faced."

"You can't judge the girl, human, after all, your scent isn't exactly pleasant." The black dragon spoke amused.

"He's right, Edric, every magic being in Midgard can feel you." Eupherbia responded, biting her food.

"Now I'm curious, tell me more about the tinhead over there." Zero smiled, crossing her legs.

"A powerful magic blast startled the magic sensible beings when the knight appeared in Cathedral City. It caught my attention too, and I felt a strange scent upon approaching the city, the scent of something ancient and powerful, something evil, but held in check. That scent came from the tinhead."

Hearing this, Mikhail sniffed the air and flinched.

"Scary." The young dragon spoke.

"Ooohhh! Looks like we have a hypocrite here, do you mind explaining?" Zero said haughtily.

"Let's just say it is related to the demons I've faced and let's end there."

"Fine by me, each one has their secrets, but maybe I'll ask more questions later."

"Last question." I said.

"Ask." She sighed frustrated.

"Does the flower speak to you?"

Zero went silent, a thoughtful look crossing her face, after a few seconds, she spoke.

"Yes, now I will ask some questions, why are you doing this? Accompanying me, trying to help Midgard, and giving my sisters a chance, what do you get from it?"

I went silent, my gaze shifting between the fire and the moon in the sky.

"I could give you an answer from the fairy tales. Say that it's the right thing to do, say that's what heroes do. But I'm hardly a hero, and I'm not a knight in shining armor, it lost its shine a long time ago... I think... I think I'm doing this because I saw the worst and the best of humanity, I saw both extremes. You may not believe my words, but I'm telling the truth, demons do exist and, I saw what they are capable of, I saw what they do to people. Boletaria and the neighboring kingdoms were left in ruins. I just want to prevent the same from happening to the world. I feel it is my responsibility to face anything that threatens our existence."

A tense silence overtook the camp, and the sarcasm of a certain disciple broke it.

"Congratulations, good way to ruin the mood!" Ditto clapped his hands.

"Nice speech, but you wasted your time, we are warriors, we exist to kill and destroy, not to save, the sooner you accept this, the better. Besides, humans are greedy and weak-hearted beings, no matter how hard you try, there will always be someone trying to rule the world." The black dragon commented, laying back.

"Someone like you?" I asked, but it didn't answer, just stared at me before closing its eyes.

"You know, most people in Midgard are a bunch of assholes, fairies included, but in the time I've spent with you, I saw that not all of them are dumbasses wanting something from you. I enjoyed the praise for helping others. Maybe you were right about that talk of being someone better, I'd like to see where this goes and I can't do that with a war happening. I'll help you as long as you keep giving me candy." Eupherbia spoke, patting my helm.

"Thank you, Eupherbia, and don't worry, I'll buy you all the candy you want." I stroked her head.

"I can't wait." She replied.

"This is rare, a fairy who doesn't act like a dipshit! Where did you get her? Is she your pet or you did do something to her?" Ditto smiled cockily.

That smile vanished when I threw a knife at him in one blinding motion, digging into the trunk behind him, leaving a thin bloody trail trickling down his cheek.

He gaped wide-eyed, dragging his thumb across the wound, watching the blood on his hand.

"Okay, I'm scared and a little horny, I will keep my mouth shut for now."

Eupherbia, on the other hand, could not resist and salt the wound.

"Where is all your courage now that someone your size got in the way? You control that tongue, don't you? Come on, say what you think of me! Or are you scared? Is the little disciple too scared to speak now that he is without his Balloon Breasted Intoner to protect him?" Eupherbia hurled insult after insult while Ditto snarled and brought his hand toward his spear, but stopped when he saw me twirling another throwing knife between my fingers.

"And you, what's your opinion about me? Any sarcastic comments, jokes about my morals, or mockery about my goals?" I asked Zero, but she stood silent, staring at me with a distant gaze.

"Not this time. You reminded me of a certain girl I knew once, she had a strong sense of justice, you know?"

"And where is this girl?"

"Dead, her sense of justice killed her. Maybe she would still be alive if she had minded her own business instead of trying to help others, but..."

"But?"

"But in the end, I was jealous of her. Midgard needs people like you if you are being genuine, but this world tends to kill those who try to do the right thing."

"You have no idea how true that is."

"Don't be sad Sir Edric, you've just been nice to everyone here, and even though Zero is mean from time to time, she's also a good person, deep, deep, deep down. If we all work together, I know we can save Midgard. You may not believe it, but to me, you are like a hero from the stories." Mikhail tried to cheer me up.

"Thank you, Mikhail, I wonder how such a polite dragon ended with someone like Zero."

"Hey!" The aforementioned Intoner screamed.

"You don't know how hard it is, Zero is mean and lazy all the time, she keeps calling me names and scaring people, that's why I'm her only friend."

"Hey! Shut up!"

"But I'm telling the truth! You would have more friends if you were nicer to others!"

"I don't need friends!"

"This is not true! I see how sad you are when alone! You should make new friends! How about Edric? You two could be friends! I don't think he would mind, would you?" The young dragon asked while Zero waited for my response.

"I... I think... I think it's fine?" I said hesitantly.

"See? He doesn't mind, you two can be friends!"

"Me and the tinhead? No, thanks! He's already insufferable when talking about demons, I don't want to spend time around him longer than necessary!" Zero exclaimed.

"Come on! It's not that bad!"

"No way!"

So, time passed and the discussion continued until everyone finished their dinner.

-XXXXXX-

"Where are Zero and Ditto? I saw the two leaving, but they haven't returned yet." I asked Mikhail while storing the equipment used for dinner.

"I think they went to do adult things." He answered.

"Adult things?"

"Yes, Zero never tells me what she does, but sometimes she leaves with other guys and doesn't return until the next day. Mostly angry and muttering something like They can never keep up They tire too fast or They come too quickly."

I went silent, processing what he said.

"That or I hear clapping, but the noise ends quickly and I hear Zero screaming in anger right after."

I cant… I cant… I cant…

"HAHAHAHAHA!" I laughed with all my might, falling to the ground while clutching my stomach and slamming my fist into the ground, cracking the earth and making a metallic clatter echo through the camp.

"Hey, what's so funny?"

"Nothing, Mikhail, nothing. I just don't know if I should be surprised or disgusted to hear about other people's sex lives." I tried to catch my while getting to my feet.

"Sex life, what is that?"

"Something you'll learn when you're older."

"Hey! I'm old enough to know! Zero always says the same thing to me!" Mikhail said irritated.

"We only say that because it's true, you're not ready yet."

"I…WWAAAHHH~~~ I'm ready." He yawned.

"Rest Mikhail, we have a day of battles tomorrow, you better get all your strength back. I wish a good night's sleep to you."

"WWWAAAHHH~~~ Good night, Sir Edric." Mikhail closed his eyes, sinking into the world of dreams while I sat under a tree and watched the fire.

-XXXXXX-

It's been a while. Should I search for those two? Perhaps invaders ambushed them, or maybe they are still busy with their adult things? I'd rather not catch them in the middle of their fun.

I can only wait. At least everything is peaceful, Eupherbia returned to my bag and the dragons were fast asleep.

"Meat… Delicious meat…" Mikhail muttered in his sleep.

I smiled under my helmet. Who knew dragons could be so adorable? Better than the ones I fought in the past… Well, I am bored. Maybe I should sharpen my weapons and practice some magic, or I should try to get some sleep. So much to do, so little time.

Tomorrow it will be the same, war and invaders, and I still don't understand what's happening, it was all so sudden, one day everything was fine, in the next one, Midgard fell into chaos. Three and One, why declare war on each other?

Enough! I won't get anywhere with a conflicted mind! Maybe I can discover the truth if I find an Intoner without Zero killing it. I leaned on a tree trunk, rested my hands on my lap, and watched the starry night sky. Yes, I think that's a valid plan.

Leaves moving interrupted my thoughts. I slowly brought my hand to my sword but stopped when I saw Zero and Dito approaching, so I returned to my original position, there's no reason to meddle with them.

"Seriously?! Is that the best you can do?" Zero asked Dito as she straightened her dress, glaring at him with her hands on her hips.

It seems they didn't notice me. Do they think I'm sleeping?

"Well… I'm sorry… But it's hard to get excited when it looks like you're trying to break my hip…" Ditto limped to a corner of the camp, groaning in pain as he went.

I think so. They are ignoring me and I honestly don't care, I'm having fun with the show.

"Whatever, you better not let me down next time!" She complained while Dito gave her the middle finger and laid down, crying in pain before snoring replaced his grumblings.

HEHEHE! Well done and well said!

"Son of a…" Zero exclaimed, but stopped immediately, looking around and noticing everyone asleep.

She scratched the back of her head until her eyes focused on me. A smile that made me uncomfortable appeared on her face as she approached me with careful steps. She knelt on the grass in front of me and stared with a hand on her chin. Nodding, she slowly extended her hand towards my helmet.

"Let's see what you look like, tinhead." She whispered.

"You wouldn't like it." I quickly grabbed her hand midway, making her hold back a surprised yelp and flinch slightly with a wide eye.

"Weren't you sleeping?"

"A fun fact about me that you may already know, I rarely get tired, and consequently, rarely sleep."

Her expression immediately changed, a disturbing glint crept into her gaze and a big smile split her face as she licked her lips. For a moment, I felt in danger.

"Is that so? How about we put this to the test?" She placed her hand on the trunk beside my head.

I don't know when she escaped my grip, but her remaining hand stood on the underside of my helmet, lifting my head and making me look into her eye.

"I..." I didn't know what to say. I won't lie, I found Zero attractive, but her personality irritated me and that flower released that dark energy. It was uncomfortable to stay this close to both.

"Speechless? Where did that courage go, little knight? Won't you repeat that righteous talk from before? Will you not say that you should only do this with the right woman and only after marriage?"

"I…" Why don't I say anything? I've faced archdemons! Saying no to a woman's advances can't be that hard!

"Well, I don't mind if you don't say anything, it's work for me. But it would be nice if you helped me remove that armor. I did all sorts of things, but armor in the way of what I want is a turndown." She said softly and seductively.

My heart raced and I panicked. Slowly, Zero lifted one of my hands and removed my left gauntlet. The piece of armor almost came off and I glimpsed my skin underneath it.

As if lightning had struck me, I recalled the look One gave me when removed my helmet in Cathedral City. I immediately pushed Zero away, crying in surprise as she fell.

"What's your problem?!" 

I noticed that her gaze strayed to something beside me, following it, I realized that she looked at my hand, the gauntlet came loose and fell to the ground. I hid my hand behind my back and grabbed my silver catalyst.

"I apologize, but the problem is me, not you" I cast Cloak, becoming invisible.

"Wait!" She yelled, reaching her hand toward me, but I ignored her.

I ran from the camp, leaving everyone behind. I didn't return until morning, using a gauntlet from a different set.

END OF CHAPTER