Living with the dead

Living with my dead family has been quiet, but at the very least, I still have one who might talk to me.

I consider Gary a family member. If I didn't consider him family, then I wouldn't have any left. Gary said things to me, mostly hateful. I'd either ignore him, have a silent argument with him, or sometimes he would take over completely and I'd have no idea what happened, or for how long. Very rarely he would take over and let me see anything / remember anything that happened. Amnesia.

Gary's interests are different than my own. Easily figured this out by going through the Google search history when I had an amnesia episode. Some search history : "ways to manipulate people", "murder that looks like natural death", "how can an alter gain more control?", "how do I tell if I'm the only alter in DID?", "how to use Bitcoin", "taxidermy for dummies", "what is the average life span of a dog?", "human anatomy basics", "places to learn taxidermy", "how to use the dark web", "taxidermy classes", "psychopaths", "kid killers", "unsolved mysteries", and plenty more. After seeing the internet search trends over the years, none of them *bothered* me anymore. Some intrigued me. I even visited some of the same websites he had just to see what it was he was looking at. I should know a little bit about what my other-self does/ knows... right?

I thought a lot of it was on purpose. I think planting disturbing internet search history for me to find when I "came back" was to spark some sort of paranoia. Paranoia that maybe my body had done something terrible... something terrible while myself, Mike was having "a break" and Gary took over for a while.

If you haven't figured it out yet, I have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) often called split or multiple personality disorder. It affects people differently, so when I talk about Gary (my alter) and Mike (myself) it doesn't mean that every person with DID has these symptoms or experiences.

I rescued a dog, named Sunshine; her coat is a dark yellow and she's some sort of mixed-breed. In a way, I rescued Grandma as well. Sunshine was getting closer to euthanasia, and Grandma couldn't live on her own anymore (Alzheimer's and dementia were getting pretty bad). It wasn't until I moved in with Grandma that I realized she was only living blood relative I had.

I felt like I rescued them at the time.

I don't have the words to describe how I feel about what I've done for them now.

Anyways, when they were still living at the house, Gary would tell me to, "... get rid of the damn things". By that he meant the other occupants. Grandma and Sunshine. He kept pressuring me to poison them...

*"Mike, they're obviously using you so they have somewhere to live and someone to feed them".*

*"Gary that's exactly what you're doing to me".*

He'd keep going though... what he said made sense, but at the same time it didn't. I loved them both unconditionally and they loved me too.

*"Poison them or I'll do it for you, Mike."*

*"If you poison them, I'll poison myself."*

It was always the suicide threats that got Gary to shut up. Gary was only live a partial life as it was. He didn't want the little he had taken away.

Gary never liked Grandma. Grandma never had an opinion of Gary because of her Alzheimer's and dementia. She remembered me, Mike, sometimes when I talked to her though. She would say things like, "Mike, where did this darling dog come from? Can we keep her? She's a ray of Sunshine" (that's how Sunshine got her name).

The area is extremely rural. There aren't any other house around for miles. I go grocery shopping once a month and since I'm not feeding a lot of mouths sometimes I can wait even longer. Grandma and myself don't have anyone that we see outside of the house and like I mentioned, we're the last of us. At least Grandma had Alzheimer's and dementia and lots of things seemed brand new all the time! How exciting. She handled the dementia really well. I've heard bad stories about people panicking and being very distressed, but Grandma was always so... happy and excited about everything and anything "new".

To be honest, I envied her slightly. Things changed between Gary and I. It was a slow process. I can't tell you the exact moment we got to this point, but eventually it happened -

I went to sleep on a Friday night, excited about the upcoming plans. It was going to be great. I had practiced letting Gary inside and outside for several months. We had conversations together rather than him talking / yelling AT me... we were talking to each other. Hell, when I went to sleep that Friday I would've said Gary was my best friend... maybe not now, but he's still family. We just don't keep in touch like we should.

I think when Gary was done, he was still jealous of Sunshine and Grandma. He's been giving me the cold shoulder since "I used him". I understand why he might feel that way... it's like I let him do all the dirty work (to be honest). I didn't really care about how he did it, I just gave them hugs and kisses before bed that night. I let Gary take over. I didn't care about the education or the immense amount of work that was involved with it. What I cared about was how happy Grandma and Sunshine were going to be.

Gary admitted he left some of his internet searches up on the computer to mess with me, but that he truly was a huge fan of taxidermy. After Gary spewed nothing but hatred towards 'my girls' I started thinking of alternatives. I had Sunshine and Grandma relying on me, Mike, and solely Mike to keep them alive and happy. This was actually scary when it sunk in. I had a huge responsibility.

But Gary... Gary took care of himself. Gary had his own 'distinct personality, which wasn't so pleasant all of the time. But Gary also happened to be extremely valuable. He was interested in something Mike was too, except Mike didn't want to put the work in and learn it - get hands on. Gary on the hand...He needed more time allowed to "come out" and needed Mike to make some purchases for his work, but it was all for the love of learning taxidermy.

It was a deal. Do this for me, and I'll give you even more time to use this body, as Gary. We can live together, in harmony, in one body. We can have meaningful conversations and get along. We would be friends. The only friend Gary could ever have after all, was me.

When I started to get nasty towards Gary once the job was done, it wasn't intentional.

I am still not holding up my end of the deal.

I spend a lot of time with them, just petting Sunshine and admiring how pretty she is... "Sunshine is the perfect name for her, Grandma. Look at the way the light her coat and just shows off that dirty blonde fur!". When you look at Grandma from the back, she's got the most beautiful gray curls.

I can't keep my eyes off of Sunshine or stop talking to Grandma. I loved to see my girls happy. And I was happy! I didn't have to worry about my mental illness causing me to do something irresponsible like forget to feed Sunshine and not fix a proper meal for Grandma. Or what if Grandma wandered outside or Sunshine ran away. I didn't have to worry about making sure they were entertained or whether or not I was adequate. I knew I was now! They're so happy.

I think Gary will come back soon. He stopped by the other day in passing and just said, "Hello Mike. I think you should take a shower, maybe spend some time to yourself". I just laughed because he used to joke that I was disgusting and stunk all the time.

Even though I can't play fetch with Sunshine anymore, I still give her big hugs and lots of pats. Grandma doesn't suffer from Alzheimer's anymore. She sits very still by the window in the morning and watches the birds with Sunshine.

They're both so happy.