13

The students were sent back to their dorms and the five aggressors were transported to the dungeon till they could be dealt with. They would be left there over night and for most of the day before Xander could be bothered to deal with them.

Harry had set up camp with Joyce in Luna's new room. Harry had decided that Luna was staying with them for this term at least. Harry woke up in the middle of the night when he heard a loud crack. It took him a good minute or so to realize that the reason he was looking down at Joyce and Luna from so high was that he had transformed in his sleep and squashed the armchair he had been sleeping in. Both females seemed to find it highly amusing. Harry was just glad that the castle was magical and could expand to fit his large dragon body. He didn't bother changing back, he just curled his tail around him with his head resting on his forelegs and drifted off to sleep. He distinctly heard Luna's sleepy:

"He's such a cute dragon."

Minerva was horrified by what she found at Luna's home. Xenophilius Lovegood was certifiably insane. And that was not just a nasty description of someone's eccentric behaviour. The man could not care for himself and relied on a house elf. Minerva had no choice but to call in St. Mungo's. Luna was now a de facto ward of Hogwarts. As if the poor girl hadn't been through enough.

Luna seemed to accept this as though she had expected it. Something that worried Joyce and Minerva.

"I've always wanted a brother." She responded with a dreamy smile.

"And just how is that relevant here, Miss Lovegood?" Minerva asked.

"Lady Hogwarts is Harry's new mother." She said indicating Joyce. "And now she will be mine… this inevitably makes Harry and I siblings."

"Can't argue with that logic." Xander grinned from behind the two ladies as they sat in Minerva's office.

"And makes you my new daddy."

"Hey now! I already have one son, no one said anything about getting a matched set!" Xander blustered.

Luna just sat there smiling dreamily at him.

"I believe Luna has a bit of the 'sight' in her." Joyce said with a frown. "She sees the world differently… just as you can see people's lies and truths. We will have to pay attention to see if she also has the seer's gift as well, as those two tend to go hand in hand."

Minerva scoffed. "As long as she doesn't turn out to be some old fraud like Sybil Trelawney."

Harry took his new title of 'Big Brother' seriously. For a whole week he would teleport from class to class so he could ensure Luna got to her classes safely.

By the end of the week the dreamy young girl was becoming frustrated and the first sibling blowup was only averted by Joyce explaining to Harry that she needed to have some space.

Penny Clearwater assured Harry that she and a few other girls would help look after his new 'baby sister'. Mainly because they found Harry's dogged attempts at protection, cute.

Harry also decided to take a new approach to keeping Luna safe. He began teaching her how to teleport, phase and talk telepathically thanks to Neville and Xander finally cracking that one.

Xander was a little concerned that Harry had given out the techniques, but more over he was proud of his teaching abilities. He did warn him quietly about discussing it with himself or his mothers first.

Luna was still a little skittish and Harry really wanted to cheer her up. He had a plan as both Malfoy and Lockhart were making nuisances of themselves still.

"Why are we waiting here?" Luna asked as she and Harry were huddled in a corner just outside the Great Hall under Harry's Cloak of Invisibility.

"Because breakfast will start soon and our test subjects will arrive soon."

Malfoy soon walked past, Harry stuck his hand out and sent a blast of magic at him. He quickly withdrew his hand as Malfoy had obviously felt it. He made a mental note to try and replicate invisibility without the cloak.

Luna watched curiously as Malfoy looked around for the source, but seeing no one he walked on, oblivious to the change that had been applied.

Less than a minute later and Lockhart marched confidently by. He didn't seem to notice Harry's actions.

Harry grabbed Luna's hand and dragged her along under the cloak to watch what happened next.

Lockhart was sauntering happily towards the staff table oblivious to all the stares and sniggers he was receiving.

"Gilderoy my dear boy, are you aware that you have… something on your… posterior?" Albus enquired with an amused smile.

"My what?"

"Your arse. You've got a light coming out your arse." Xander chuckled.

"What? How in Merlin's name did that happen?"

"Actually, I think its sunlight." Joyce frowned. She had an idea what had happened. She looked towards where her son was sitting with Hermione, Neville and Luna.

"He's got the sun shining out his arse?" Xander smiled before laughing. "God that's brilliant! Ten points to whoever came up with this!" He told the sniggering pupils.

After a few seconds Xander sighed, still grinning. "Oh well, worth a shot."

"What was?" Hagrid asked.

"I figured that if I offered points for this the person responsible might have owned up."

"Thin. Very thin." Joyce commented.

"You have a better idea?"

"I have an idea who did this, but no proof." She sighed.

At this point Draco Malfoy squealed like a girl and jumped from his seat. Smoke was rising from where he was sitting and it was obvious he had the same condition as Lockhart.

"I definitely know who did this."

After Draco's little butt burning incident, they soon realised that their trousers were burning away. This led both males to being taken up to the Hospital Wing and made to lie face down on the beds with no trousers on.

Of course this information somehow made it's way to the general populace.

Poppy, Joyce and Filius spent all morning trying to reverse it. They were never more sick of the sight of bare buttocks by lunch time so Joyce went and grabbed Harry and took him back to the apartment to interrogate him.

"It was you, wasn't it." So maybe her interrogation was more of an accusation.

"What was?" Harry asked innocently.

"You know what, Harry. You made the sun shine out of their backsides!"

"I thought you said they did that?"

"You know what I mean, Harry!"

"Why would I do that?"

"I am well aware of what those two are like, Harry. But you can't just go around and do something like this!"

"Why would I do this?"

"We all know how Draco tends to pick on you, Neville and Hermione. And Lockhart still seems to be trying to use you to further his fame."

"But… if you know this, why aren't you stopping it?" Harry asked with a frown.

"We are doing what we can Harry."

"Have you tried suspending them?"

"I'll discuss it with Xander and Minerva- wait a minute! We are discussing you here!" Joyce exclaimed as she realised that Harry had somehow managed to derail the conversation.

"And how I am being mistreated by staff and students and they are getting away with it." Harry added. He didn't really think there was a major problem. Draco and Lockhart were simply annoying. He knew that Joyce usually managed to reign Draco in and Xander did the same with Lockhart. But he was finding it highly amusing to lead his new mother around the garden path.

"We were discussing you reversing whatever it is you did to Malfoy and Lockhart."

"But… I didn't say I did anything to them."

Joyce just sighed. "Just go and see Poppy and try and help her fix them."

Harry shrugged and teleported out.

"Ah! Harry, just the boy I wanted to see." Poppy called from her office. "Get in here."

Harry gave another sigh before he slouched off into the office.

"Now, I want you to reverse what you did to those two out there."

"Why is everyone accusing me?" Harry asked. He wasn't angry, just curious.

"I don't know why everyone else is accusing you, but I know it was you. I want you to cancel your charm and then you have a weeks detention with me."

"How can you know?" He asked suspiciously.

"Because I can cast a spell that will detect the magical signature used. I am very familiar with yours and as such, can spot your work. Now get to it!" She ordered.

Harry's subsequent week of detentions involved Poppy having him keep the Hospital Wing clean and also learning useful healing spells.

The news that Harry was responsible made him the hero of the school… and a god to the Weasley Twins. But his ultimate goal was achieved as Luna found the whole thing hilarious.

Xander had a slightly less magical issue to deal with at the beginning of November when he received notice from the Grangers that the Dursley's trials were not going well.

They were winning their defence because they couldn't speak about Hogwarts or magic. As a result a lot of evidence had to be left out. After speaking with Joyce, Minerva, Dan and Emma, Xander decided to pay a visit to the Dursley's home.

"What do you want Freak?" Vernon demanded smugly as he opened the door. "Come to apologise and beg us not to counter sue?"

"Nope. I've come to convince you that you really need to confess in the non-magical courts." Xander grinned back. His eye patch was in place today as his wolf eyes were not going to pass muster amongst the non-magicals.

Xander just pushed the blustering man inside and shut the door. Petunia came in soon after.

"What do you want?" She demanded.

"Justice." Xander grinned evilly. "Sit down." He growled as he allowed his wolf eyes to reappear.

The two disgusting humans quickly sat down.

"Here's the deal. You accept and acquiesce to all charges and serve your time. If you don't, and you manage to worm your way free… I'll have you charged in the magical world… or… as I am the ruler of the Goblin Nation… I'll have you charged there." Xander said as he sat back with a smug smile.

Vernon scoffed. "Her Majesty's government would never stand for such a thing! And you freaks probably aren't capable of it anyway."

"The magical world is part of the United Kingdom. If I take this to the magical courts you will not be able to hide evidence because of magic." Xander sighed and leaned forward. "Here's what you aren't getting. In your non-magical world, Harry James Potter is just a small, unwanted child who you believe to be deficient and a burden.

"In the magical world, Harry James Potter is a celebrity on par with Princess Diana or her children. He literally saved the world. He is loved universally. The entire world knows of his name and history.

"What exactly do you think the magical world will do to you when they see the memories of what you did to Harry? They can do that, view memories. Do you really think that you'll be safer in a magical prison… where many of the bad guys are who Harry stopped… or in a non-magical prison where you are barely known and Harry Potter is just a statistic?"

Vernon and Petunia paled significantly. They shared a look of horror as Petunia squeezed Vernon's chubby hand.

If there was ever a time Xander thought the term 'muggle' applied… it was with these two… creatures. They had no honour or discernible morals. Only a thin veneer of civility that allowed them to survive amongst other humans.

"Vernon… fix this!"

Xander chuckled. "He can't do anything. In case you haven't realized, the reason you can't get hot water or heat in the winter, or cool air and cold water in the summer, is because some wizards and witches who know what you did to their hero and friend have cast magic here. Imagine what will happen when the true fanatics find out."

Xander left with the Dursley's practically on their knees, begging him to let them confess in the non-magical courts. He was a bit disappointed as he was looking forward to seeing them suffer the wrath of the wizarding world.

A week later and Dan and Emma were at the castle celebrating with everyone the fact that the Dursley's were currently on route to one of Her Majesty's fine boarding establishments for… special people.

December led to Gryffindor versus Slytherin match. Xander enlisted Neville's aid in patrolling and monitoring the pitch whilst Harry was otherwise occupied. Minerva would have joined them but she insisted she needed to keep an eye on Lee Jordan.

Joyce preferred being in the stands and was not a fan of flying… in any way. Hermione was happy to join her.

The match started off with the usual Slytherin tactics of trying to beat the opposing team into submission. Harry avoided Malfoy like the plague keeping an eye out for the snitch.

It didn't take long for Harry's first bout of Quidditch excitement of the season to occur. He acquired himself a rabid fan in the form of a rogue bludger. The Slytherin's didn't seem to notice.

Malfoy thought Harry was on the tail of the snitch and followed closely.

"Xander, that bludger's been tampered with." George said as the twins flew up to the hovering yet broomless man.

"Doesn't matter what direction we hit it, it changes direction and goes for Harry." Fred added.

"Damn it!" Xander growled. "Have Hooch end the game. We need to end this before someone gets hurt."

As the twins flew off Xander began tracking Harry. He could see him speeding away with Draco hot on his tail and the bludger smashing through anything in its path.

Xander could move fast in flight, but he could never match Harry's speeds on or off the broom. He knew he had to reach the bludger at least. He would need Harry's help to do so.

'Harry? It's Xand, we've cancelled the game so we can sort this bludger out. Try and lead it to the centre of the pitch, and try and convince Malfoy to break off, I don't need to be worrying about him as well as the bludger.' Xander sent mentally.

Harry sent back an acknowledgement and reduced his speed to let Malfoy catch up.

"Malfoy! Break off! Games been called." He shouted over the roar of the rushing wind.

"Ha! Pathetic Potter! You really think I'd fall something as feeble as that?" Malfoy scoffed.

"Fine, but don't blame us if that bludger gets you." Harry said before putting on a burst of speed.

Malfoy decided to actually glance behind him and paled as he saw the bludger smashing its way through the support beams of the stands as it gained on the two seekers.

Harry knew he had to escape from below the stands before the bludger did enough damage to bring them down on top of them. He saw an exit and piled on the speed.

Unfortunately, Malfoy had the inside track and panicked managing to knock Harry off balance. Manoeuvres at those speeds were unwise and the resultant impact of Malfoy into Harry's broom sent Harry smashing into the crowded stands and bowling several people over.

Xander saw this and cursed. One day Malfoy was going to get himself killed. Granted Xander would probably be the one to kill him, but he would bring it on himself.

He teleported to hover over Harry and managed to conjure a sheet of steel which absorbed the speed and blow of the bludger. He quickly transfigured the sheet into a steel box to lock down the missile.

Harry's arm was in agony. He was fairly certain it was broken. A quick look told him that it was very much broken. His leg felt warm and wet, he was hoping he hadn't wet himself as he was currently lying on top of several students. He hoped he hadn't hurt them either.

He could hear voices, it was suddenly dark and wondered if he was passing out.

He could hear Lockhart. "No… not L…hart." Harry mumbled.

He could hear the man's obnoxious voice declaring his expertise. Suddenly he couldn't feel his leg. He hoped he still had one. He could hear screams of horror. He hoped that wasn't because they had realized he had wet himself.

Harry decided he had had enough. They could scream all they liked. He was going to take a nap.

Xander was fuming! He was pacing up and down the Head's office in complete agitation so angrily that he was unaware he was actually changing back and forth between his werewolf and human form.

"Xander, please sit down!" Minerva admonished.

"I want him brought up on charges." Xander demanded. "Actually, I want him handed over to the Goblin nation for trial." He said as he pounded his fist on Albus' desk.

The old man could understand somewhat where the young man was coming from, but he thought he was going overboard.

"Xander, please. It was a mistake. A fairly large one I'll grant, but still a mistake." He said soothingly.

"That- that- that FOOL! Nearly killed Harry!" Xander bellowed. "He had no business being anywhere near an injured student, he has no qualifications or experience and he decides to try and play 'Doctor' with MY SON!"

"I'm sure his intention was not to harm young Harry, Xander." Albus reasoned.

"And the person who decides to drive whilst drunk doesn't intend to crash and kill either! We still hold them responsible!" Xander retorted.

"I'm sorry?" Albus asked in confusion.

"Flying a broom whilst intoxicated and as a result crashing and killing someone." Minerva explained.

"Ah." Albus said understandingly. "I must admit, I am hard pressed to come up with a counter to that argument. But I must insist that you calm down before acting rashly. I would much prefer that you left this incident to myself and the board to deal with. Your participation should only be that of a parent to avoid any implication of impropriety."

"He's right Xander." Minerva said tightly. She was just as angry as Xander. "There will be hell to pay if that man isn't sanctioned!" She said turning her ire on Albus before she frog-marched Xander out of the office.

Harry was running through the corridors, he could hear that voice again. It was going to kill and it wasn't looking for cats or mice. He needed to get to Neville and Hermione and make sure they were ok.

Harry suddenly felt as though he had been hit in the stomach. He could hear someone calling his name.

He blearily opened his eyes and tried to figure out why he was in the hospital wing and why Dobby was straddling his stomach.

"Do'y? Wha' ya do' 'ere?" He muttered tiredly. His leg was beginning to ache and his arm wasn't far behind.

"Harry Potter should not be here!" The excitable elf squeaked as he bounced up and down.

"Stoooop b-b-bouncing." Harry groaned in pain.

"Dobby is sorry sir!" The elf cried and proceeded to jump off the bed jostling Harry badly and then proceeded to smash his head on the bedside cabinet.

"Dobby! Stop!" Harry barked.

The elf stopped mid bash.

"Why you here?" Harry was in far too much pain to bother with grammar.

"Dobby wants to protect Harry Potter sir! Dobby tried to stop the train, but Harry Potter was sooo great and powerful that he moved the whole carriage! Dobby's bludger would have stopped Harry Potter from staying at Hogwarts but the yellow haired wizard attacked Harry Potter making it too dangerous to move him."

"Your bludger?" Harry asked.

"Yes sir, Dobby wanted to scare Harry Potter, Dobby ironed his hands as punishment." The elf said sadly as he held up his hands.

Harry could blearily make out bits of cloth around the gnarled hands.

"Xander protect me. Talk to him." Harry groaned. He really wanted to go back to sleep… or get hit in the head with a bludger… either worked for him.

Before Dobby could reply, the entrance doors banged open and Dobby vanished.

Harry tried to close his eyes and sleep, but he was in far too much pain.

He could hear Xander, Joyce and Albus talking to Poppy. Something about Colin. Probably taking more photos and got himself beat up.

The pain suddenly surged and Harry vomited over his bedding and chest.

The adults rushed over.

"Great Merlin! How on earth are you awake Harry?" Poppy asked.

"Easy there Harry, you're pretty beat up. We're gonna put you back to sleep and we'll be here when you wake up." Joyce said as she stroked his sweaty head.

Poppy grabbed a potion vial from her office and quickly returned.

"Drink this Harry, Dreamless Sleep Potion. It will make you sleep through the pain with no nightmares." She said as she gently tipped the potion down his throat.

The magical liquid had him out in seconds.

"What the hell happened?" Xander demanded.

"I have no idea. He shouldn't have woken up like that, he must have been in incredible pain. I fixed his arteries and muscles, but until his femur re-grows it will be imperative that he remain asleep. The pain would be far too great. If it was just his arm, there would be no problem."

"I think I'll stay with him tonight." Joyce said as a chair appeared next to the bed.

"The representatives of the MMC will be here in the morning to take the fool into custody. He will be lucky if he doesn't serve at least six months in Azkaban." Poppy growled.

"Surely that isn't necessary Poppy?" Albus reasoned. "He was only trying to help."

"He was trying to do my job! I didn't spend all that time studying and taking those oaths for nothing." Poppy hissed.

Albus decided not to push his luck.

"What's the MMC?" Xander asked.

"Magical Medical Council. They regulate healers and medi-witches." Poppy explained. "They take a very harsh view on people violating the medical code."

"Ok. What about the shutterbug over there?" Xander said tossing his thumb over his shoulder.

"He's been petrified like Mrs. Norris. Nothing we can do until the Mandrakes are ready." Poppy sighed.

"So Colin is going to miss out on at least four months of school?"

"Worse, he'll miss out on six. The original six months would allow the mandrakes to mature enough for a small animal, but a human requires a fully mature mandrake."

Harry awoke the next day with no memory of how he had woken up that night. Poppy theorized he was probably in too much pain for his brain to handle. He also learnt that during his crash he had broken his right arm and his left femur. The bone had ripped through his femoral artery and he had nearly died.

Lockhart had barged in and vanished both bones and increased the rate of bleeding.

It was only the quick work of herself and Headmaster Dumbledore that had saved him.

Harry begged to be let out of any more DADA lessons.

Minerva and Joyce were happy to tell him that Lockhart had been fired and that Joyce would be taking over the class for the rest of the year.

Poppy kept Harry in bed for two more days before she grudgingly let him leave. It was a short trip where he was teleported by Xander straight to his bed in the apartment for the rest of the week.

The investigation into what happened to Colin was fruitless. Somehow the boy had been separated from his group near where the writing was. Harry, who was still annoyed with the rabid fan boy, suggested that he may have been trying to take photos of the bloody writing. Xander had to concur that it was very likely.

Minerva made a trip to the Creevey Household to inform the parents and younger brother what had happened. She brought them back to the school to visit their son.

"Is… is he in pain?" Mrs. Creevey asked as tears streaked her cheeks.

Poppy answered. "No dear, he's in stasis, can't feel a thing and isn't even conscious."

"So… like cryogenics?" Mr. Creevey asked.

Poppy and Minerva shared a confused look. Minerva put out a mental question to Xander.

"The answer is yes." He said as he appeared in the room, startling the two parents. "Just like cryogenics, but without the cold factor. So… suspended animation."

Neither witch had a clue what they were talking about so they stayed quiet.

"How safe will he be here?" Mr. Creevey asked.

"He is perfectly protected by his condition alone." Poppy informed them. "Nothing can physically harm him nor magically."

"Do you know how this happened? Aren't there safeguards in place?" Mrs. Creevey asked.

"That is part of the problem." Xander sighed. "We have no idea what did this. We believe we know where this happened, but it is an area with no surveillance, and we can't seem to get any in place. The area is protected by something.

"Colin has shown himself to be… highly curious?" He said diplomatically.

"We know… he's a nosey little bugger." Mr. Creevey sighed sadly.

"Yeah, sounds about right. Anyway, there is a crime scene where something similar occurred, we believe he was trying to take pictures of it and left his assigned safety group."

"When he wakes up he is grounded and losing that damned camera!" Mr. Creevey growled.

"What about his schooling?" Mrs. Creevey asked.

Minerva offered the solution here. "Once he awakens, we will give him two options. He can either study hard through the summer, we will provide tutors, or he can return home for the rest of the year and restart as a first year in September."

"His nosiness will be a help then. He's always been an avid learner, so he will probably be able to study through the summer." Mr. Creevey said with a hint of pride.

"We'll make it a day school, we'll arrange transport between your home and the school so he doesn't have to stay here with just the ghosts and remaining adults." Xander said.

"Now, if you will excuse me, I need to finish my meeting with the Head of the Magical Law Enforcement about extra security." Xander said as he disappeared.

"Oh dear, I hope we wer-"

"Don't worry dear." Minerva assured her. "Amelia is very understanding and Xander is dedicated to the school. Why don't you join us for lunch, you can experience a little of what young Colin does and we can answer any questions you might have."

Amelia had instantly assigned Kingsley and Nym to the school as well as putting in a request for aid to the Department of Mysteries.

"I really think we should evacuate the school and close it down until we can find out the cause." Xander said.

"That has far reaching consequences." Amelia said quickly. "For starters, we don't know if it is a student doing it. Or a staff member. Secondly, if we send the children home, it could bankrupt the families. It is actually cheaper to send them to school than to have a parent take time off to care for the child as well as having to pay for the additional food and necessities."

"Damn it." Xander sighed. "Well, we can eliminate the staff if we have them state under veritiserum that they aren't involved. I'll guarantee the safety of their personal lives and that they won't be asked about anything else. I'll even go first.

"But what about the students? We can't have them take the stuff. We'd be no better than that bastard Snape."

"We could ask the seventh year students to take it voluntarily. Those that are of age at least. You could also ask the parents for signed permission. If you have that then you are free to question them."

Xander still felt uncomfortable with the idea. He could tell Amelia wasn't fond of it either. "Ok, we'll ask the prefects and the rest of the sixth and seventh years. Those that agree and pass will maintain or be promoted to prefect. Those that don't will have to be suspended as prefects until the crisis is over. I'll make it clear that this won't affect their records."

All but the Slytherin prefects volunteered for the truth potion. Many of both years, including Slytherin students offered to take the potion including some of the lower years when they heard.

Albus was forced into writing a note co-signed by Amelia, Minerva, Joyce and Xander informing the parents of the situation and offering free rides home for those who wished to remove their children.

Albus was highly reluctant to let the situation become public, he argued with the others for an hour before Minerva threatened to write it anyway and make it clear he wanted them kept in the dark.

The prefects were pulled from night time patrols. The suits of armour were assigned to their routes whilst Xander, Nym, Kinglsey and Joyce took rotating shifts guarding the area with the writing. So far nothing had been discovered, Amelia was considering bringing a retired Auror to investigate and Xander was already having the Gringotts' Curse breakers check the area out. Unfortunately it was hard to determine anything as the area was saturated in magic.

Harry returned from his stay in the hospital wing to discover that Hermione and Neville had decided that Malfoy was the Heir of Slytherin and was petrifying students. They didn't know how, but they were sure of it. Harry tended to agree with them.

Xander, Joyce and Minerva didn't. Xander pointed out that Malfoy didn't have the brains to pull it off and the sense to keep his mouth shut about it. If he were responsible, the whole world would know it.

This wasn't enough for the three children. Hermione began brewing Polyjuice Potion. It wouldn't be ready until after Christmas so they would just have to stay alert.

Xander was beyond pissed when he found out that Lockhart had gotten off. Apparently he was recognized as an honorary Healer and they considered this an unfortunate accident. They even went as far as to imply that Poppy was at fault.

Xander had no choice but to allow him back to work. He did spend an hour screaming at him and by the time Lockhart left the Head's office he had no intention of doing anything not related to DADA.

His first action was to set up a duelling club to try and ingratiate himself with the school. After all, surely they would acknowledge the wisdom and rightness of someone such as himself teaching them to actively defend themselves on the field of battle.

Xander's first rule was that he, or a professor he approved of, would supervise. Lockhart could run it, but under another's supervision. Second rule was that Poppy had to be in the room at all times. If she wasn't the club was abandoned for that session. Third rule was that if Lockhart injured a single student, Xander would feed him to Norbert.

There was only time for one meeting of the club before Christmas and the turnout was huge. Only the fifth and seventh years were absent as they studied for exams.

The students were packed into the Great Hall where a duelling platform had been placed. Xander was standing at the side with Minerva and Albus, Lockhart was nowhere to be seen.

And then the smarmy git's voice was heard as he marched into the hall and onto the platform.

"Welcome, welcome! So good of you to come." He said with his award winning smile. "Can you all hear me? Can you all see me?" He asked as he tossed his cloak to a third year girl who nearly swooned.

"Oh god. Please let me kill him?" Xander muttered quietly to Minerva who merely rolled her eyes.

"As you are all aware, some miscreant has been attacking students."

"Yeah… blond ponce with a huge ego." Xander remarked under his breath.

"Hush Xander." Minerva admonished, despite the fact that she agreed and had her own internal monologue running. Hers was far more… colourful.

"I have graciously been allowed to run this duelling club in order to teach you to defend yourselves and repel attackers.

"First, I believe we will have a demonstration. If I could prevail on two of the professors to perform an exhibition duel?"

"Wow, alert the press, an intelligent idea!" Xander snorted quietly.

"You wish, I made the suggestion to him." Minerva growled back. She turned to Lockhart and spoke loudly. "I would be happy to duel you, Professor."

Lockhart faltered for a second. He had thought his reputation would dissuade anyone from challenging him.

"Err… as you wish dear lady." He said recovering quickly with deep theatrical bow.

Minerva and Lockhart took their positions and squared off.

"We will be casting to disarm only, wouldn't want to deprive you of your Transfigurations Professor." He said charmingly.

Minerva just smiled sweetly as some of the students tittered quietly.

"On three. One, two, three – EXPELIRAMUS!" He bellowed.

Minerva responded with a simple non-verbal shield.

Lockhart cast again.

Minerva shielded.

As Lockhart kept firing, Minerva started walking towards him as she kept her shield up.

Lockhart was getting more and more flustered as he kept firing various jinxes and hexes.

Eventually Minerva was within reach of Lockhart. She primly plucked his wand from his hand and marched back to her starting point.

"I believe I have won." She said with a serene yet subtle smile as she dropped his wand on the floor with a clatter and daintily stepped off the platform.

"You could at least have slapped him!" Xander grumbled.

Lockhart meanwhile was still gaping at Minerva. The students were beginning to shuffle unsurely.

Lockhart shook himself. "Erm… right. That was a perfect example of… of…"

Xander sighed and pushed himself off the wall before leaping onto the stage.

"That was a perfect example of what happens in a true fight." He told the assembled students. "I have a set of rules that I teach my students. Some are adopted from various muggle rules, others are just common sense. Here are the most important ones:

"Rule One: Don't die! – It doesn't matter what is happening, who you are facing off against. If you die, that's it. No do-overs or second chances. Run away, hide… get away from the fight. That way you can come back, make a better attempt or get help. If you die, then you can't accomplish what you were trying to do, like rescue someone.

"Rule Two: In war, people die. Learn to deal with it. Your friends will die. Your family will die. If you dwell on this too much… you will die. Remember Rule One.

"Rule Three: Don't break Rule One.

"Rule Four: You can't change Rule Two.

"Rule Five: There are no rules in war. The enemy will cheat… be prepared to do the same.

"Now, this duelling club is to teach you the tools to survive a fight." Xander turned to Minerva. "Another demonstration, please?"

Minerva climbed back up onto the stage as Lockhart just stood there, unsure of what to do.

"Now, erm… ah Hermione, your wand please?" Hermione handed her wand to Xander who knelt down at the edge of the platform to reach it. "Minerva, could you cast that disarming curse at me?"

Without pause and a shout of "Expelliarmus" Hermione's wand flew into Minerva's hand.

"Looks pretty simple. Professor McGonagall will give us a demonstration on that and the shield charm she used and then you will break into pairs."

A quick demonstration later and Xander fobbed off the job of pairing up the students to Lockhart, who made several key mistakes.

Nobody was certain why he decided to pair Gryffindors with Slytherins, but he did. And chaos ensued. Hermione and Millicent ended up in a physical wrestling match when Millicent realized she had no chance at beating her with a wand. Hermione was treated to the unique fragrance of Bulstrode's armpits.

Goyle had the same problem as Millicent and found the same solution. Except his partner, Neville simply stood there phased as Goyle kept trying to punch him but kept putting his fist through the out of phase Neville.

Crabbe quickly defeated Ron by charging at the red head. Ron was so terrified that he threw his wand at the charging ape and curled into a ball on the floor.

Malfoy… as expected, was paired with Harry. His first and only spell conjured a serpent. Harry responded by teleporting behind Malfoy and phasing the boy into the ground up to his waist.

"ENOUGH!" Xander roared.

For a matter of seconds everyone froze.

Then everyone noticed the snake was still moving.

"Stop moving for a moment." Harry told the snake in Parselmouth.

"Why?" The snake asked curiously.

Harry hadn't really had a reason, other than 'because Xander said so'. Of course the snake would understand, so Harry thought quick. "Because all the large humans will be scared of you and might trample you when they run."

The snakes head quickly snapped around from side to side before it coiled back down on itself.

"Can you protect me?" It asked nervously.

"I can, but no one will hurt you if you stay still and only approach me." Harry warned.

The snake relaxed but remained coiled.

Harry sighed and visibly relaxed as well. That's when he noticed the whole place was staring at him.

"What? She was worried you would hurt her." He said defensively.

Everyone looked at him like he was nuts.

"She's perfectly safe now! Once we're finished I'll take her back to my room." He tried.

"Y-y-y-you're a Parselmouth!" Ron said pointing at Harry with fear.

"Well… yes… how did you think I was talking to Norbert?" Harry knew Ron was a little dense, but this was ridiculous.

"Parselmouths are Dark Wizards!" Ron accused. Unfortunately lots of other students were nodding along.

"SOMEBODY GET THAT SNAKE AWAY FROM ME!" Draco suddenly screeched.

At this point everyone remembered the boy was phased into the floor and that there was a snake curled up six feet away from him… and them. There was a sudden shuffling as everyone backed away from boy and snake.

The snake was also fairly startled and quickly slithered over to Harry, who put his arms down on the floor for the snake to slither up.

"You're afraid of him?" Harry asked the snake.

"Afraid? Not really, but when all the animals in the jungle go one way, it is best to follow… no telling what they are trying to get away from or what treasure they have found."

Harry couldn't fault that logic.

"Harry, why don't you take you're new friend back to the apartment whilst we finish up here?" Xander suggested. He could see the students were getting very uncomfortable. Lockhart looked like he was about to declare Harry a Dark Wizard and that he would be happy to vanquish him.

Harry just shrugged… snake and all… and teleported out of the Great Hall.

There was an audible group releasing of held breath and sagging shoulders.

Then they heard a growling noise. They all turned slowly as one towards the sound of the growling to see Xander standing on the platform and looking very angry.

"Ron Weasley. You have detention with Mr. Filch for flinging accusations at students. You have all heard Harry talking to Norbert and you all know that he wouldn't hurt a fly unless the fly was attacking one of you.

"Draco Malfoy. You were told what spells to use. 20 points from Slytherin.

"Crabbe, Goyle and Bulstrode. 10 points a piece for improvising when you're magic wasn't working… and yes Draco, they at least tried the spells. However, 5 points from each of you as you are not in battle and this is training. You are supposed to use it to improve your weaknesses.

"Now, after today's… excitement… I am ending today's session. We will start up after the holidays where you will be expected to learn what we teach you and do as you are told. Failure to do that will result in you being kicked out."

There was a rather indignant clearing of a throat behind Xander.

"What Lockhart? I'm kinda in the middle of something."

Lockhart straightened his shoulders and marched up the platform. "I believe I am supposed to be running this club, Mr. Harris." He said snootily.

"That's 'Professor Harris'… or 'Boss'." Xander said causing Lockhart to pale slightly. "I have decided to take on this club myself. Unless you think you can defeat me?" He said with a vicious grin as he indicated the duelling platform.

Lockhart remembered full well the incident at Flourish and Blotts. He quickly acquiesced.

Arrangements were made for Harry's snake to be returned to where it came from. Questions were asked amongst Xander, Joyce and Minerva as to how Draco had managed to pull off a conjuration of a living creature or was it a summoning.

It turned out, through researching the spell, that it was a summoning. It didn't require much magical strength as snakes were considered magical creatures in their own right. Hence the Parselmouths.

Harry managed to avoid too much in the way of fear and mistrust over being a Parselmouth despite both Ron and Draco implying that Harry was the Heir of Slytherin. This further led to certain gullible students believing that Harry and Norbert were behind the petrifications.

Fortunately, these students were a very small minority and scoffed at by their peers and pitied by their professors.