Within Me

Hey there everyone, it's the alone lonely boy Davis here. *smiles* Still thinking about the past while living in the present.

I hope you would have some sympathy for me and even if you don't, it does not bother me because it won't change my journey or destination.

*sigh* After that horrible incident I was... Let me tell you about my emotional journey from that event till how I am now.

(One Month Ago...)

So many horrible things happened on that single day and I will never.. ever forget about it. I lost so many people, I saw them get killed in front of my eyes. The swordsman agreed to my risky plan but was not able to make it through. I had to kill my new friend, the Lady with my own hands. Never thought that someday I would have to do this.

Got betrayed by the one who I thought as a best friend and someone who understands me. I lost our two big guys, *silent crying tears* Ryan the Shield and Captain Garrick the Sword of that group.

Marc and I survived because of captain's sacrifice, that's what I thought so but... it was all Marc's doing... so I killed him with my blade without giving a second thought because of the sudden surge of anger, frustration and hopelessness which took me over for that moment. .

Even after all this I was moving on with all that guilt and emotional pain.

I was wandering around for days or weeks to hide and keep on surviving in this harsh reality which we all call journey of life on my own because I had no one remaining by my side. Again.

I was not able to get over that guilty feeling that I should have stayed. I still think that I should have stopped. I might have changed something or at least would have able to rescue captain from that situation.

I was thinking about it for days or weeks or to be honest everyday from all directions. I was looking for that one reason, that one scenario by which I can at least... calm myself down and can say, "No!... it's not my fault." "It was not my fault..." I said to myself while crying silently.

For many days straight after that incident I was thinking from which angle I should I see this incident that my guilt would be reduced.

But I was not able to find any such thing. Not a single thing to justify my actions.

I was afraid to even see anyone or be friends or to even talk with anyone because I was not thinking about anything stably.

I was even afraid to join any group because "Wherever I go... death follows me."

But things won't always go like how we want them to go, don't they *smiles*.

After all this I found a destroyed house and I just sat there for a week or so without anything else aside from trying to slowly heal myself and not to try thinking about what happened in the past or what to do now.

( Back to Present...)

I wandered here and there for supplies because that's essential for survival. I was currently living on the terrace of a small destroyed house. Not like this situation can provide a 5 star services so I was just happy to even have a place to spend the night.

Even though I was not able to sleep properly because I was having the same nightmares of the past which I was still not able to completely deal with and to be honest I don't think that I can even do it.

Another day rise up and everyday I thought that something might change, and that happened... Today.

I was on top scanning the area for any potential threats because from few days I could hear voices screaming around the area. So I was worried that something bad might happen again.

On one side I was seeing towards the future but on the inside I was still thinking about the same thing again and again.

I knew this was not my fault but I was in a debate with myself on this that I should have stayed then... What could have changed.

While all this was going on.

Suddenly I heard a huge blast at a distance *Booooom* I reacted to it quickly. It was not far from my place so I pulled out my binoculars to see what was happening. With that I was able to see some humans attacking or running from something...

First I thought it as a gang war or something but after the smoke got cleared, I could see a Blob monster and my body instinctively started moving towards them.

I knew that I should not fall into other people's matter but my body was not stopping. I also knew that I can't survive alone in this cruel world, not like this, not on my own because humans always need someone to be with them to be stable, and to feel alive.

Just like how my friends are alive within me.

A lonely self can either just turn into dust or just become unstable that can do anything. And I don't want any of that. I want to be the one who can see, think and act according to what's going on in my surroundings.

I want to have some kind of emotion other than just pain and guilt. I also sometimes want to feel... the Happiness. Is it wrong in anyway?

So I moved close to that place and then what I saw was not what I thought I would get to see.

I saw people fighting against that Blob monsters head-on and my gut feeling was telling me that this is not self-defence but the people were attacking that monster with an intent to kill it.

These are the things that you won't get to see everyday...

[ DAY 103 - MONSTERS COUNT : 3,128 HUMANS ALIVE : 5, 086 ]